HELP! Aspie asked me if I cheated on him, I'm really upset

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First of all, my husband has told me for years that he believes he is an Aspie although he's never been properly diagnosed. Just judging from his behaviour, it's very possible that he is. He is very intelligent but socially awkward. He takes things very literally and over-analyzes situations that most people would regard as something of no consequence. He makes connections that aren't necessarily there and obsesses over his favourite subjects to the point where he can't sleep until he spends enough time on the Internet researching an answer to some deep question pertaining to his favourite subject. Anyway, we've both looked into it extensively and it is very possible he is an AS.

I've always been very accepting and have tried to understand is behaviour but the other day, he asked me something that really distressed me. We were sitting down watching television and he just stared at me with a look of despair. He looked so upset, I literally thought someone had died. He then decided that rather than talking to me, he'd write me an email. He said that he is often misunderstood when speaking aloud and is more eloquent in text so, that's why he used that medium.

The email contained 10 unrelated incidents/situations that had occurred over the past few months that when looked at all together, may make it appear that I had an affair. But, these 10 things are actually completely unrelated. He ended the email by asking if I had cheated on him. He went so far as to suggest that I had cheated on him, gotten pregnant and gotten it aborted because I do the grocery shopping in this house and go out quite often without him, and had a miscarriage a day after I had gone out for lunch (he said it was possible I didn't go for lunch but had gone to get an abortion).

To say I was upset is an understatement. He told me he didn't think I could do such a thing and that he knew I didn't do it but that he needed me to tell him that I hadn't to make his brain stop thinking about it. My husband has always used me as a sounding board every time he's trying to analyze something in his head. I've always remained open-minded and understanding even when he comes to what I believe is an unrealistic conclusion. But, this question really hurt me.

Knowing what you know about AS individuals, you may understand that I feel as though I've had to really adjust my life as this wasn't something I thought I would ever have to deal with. I'm not complaining but, in most cases, my husband talks to me about things that don't affect our marriage. This was the first time he had really said something to me that was personal — something I thought he should already know and didn't require asking.

I've never cheated on my husband. Even if I wanted to, I don't even have the time to. And he knows that so, I don't understand why he kept telling me that I needed to say I didn't cheat on him in order for him to stop connecting these 10 unrelated incidents together into a story he fabricated in his head?

I was fuming for two days and he didn't understand why. He kept telling me that he thinks this question is just like any other question he may ask me, and that it deserved to be treated as such. But, he wasn't asking me whether I thought the sky was blue. I felt as though he was accusing me of something although he claims he wasn't. He said he was "just asking me." I don't see the difference between asking a question that implies I did something that I didn't do, and accusing me of doing something I didn't do.

Anyway, I've finally calmed down and I'm now trying to understand why the whole thing happened in the first place. If was married to a non-jealous non-paranoid NT, I'm pretty sure they would never have come to this conclusion. You have to understand how far-fetched this is in my eyes, and in my friends and family's eyes. Only he could take these 10 things and weave them into a story that made sense to him.

I've told him that I forgive him, but no matter what he says, I now feel as though he doesn't trust me.

He keeps saying he trusts me and that it was never about him believing that I had cheated. It was just that the thought entered his mind and he wanted to tell me he was thinking about it. I'm really having a hard time understanding this.

Argh! Someone, please. Help me understand. Is he telling the truth? Does he really trust me? What is going on in his head?!?!?!?!

I think you would find more help in counseling.

I dont know why your so upset about this. I dont think its that much of a biggie for him to ask if youve cheated, people do cheat, according to stats its about half of people so I dont think its that bad a thing to ask. Its certainly a silly thing to ask as if the person has cheated they can just lie and say they have not so one still wouldnt know, but anyway i dont think it warrants getting so upset over.

I think in a relationship people should feel comfortable to ask any question of their partner really.

do you think you find it very upsetting as its the lack of support over the miscarriage your really upset about?

Last edited by The-Raven on 22 Feb 2012, 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, I can't tell you what's going on in his head but it does really seem to me like this question is no different than any other he's asked you in the past. It's not unheard of for spouses to cheat on eachother and the average aspie would probably be quite clueless to the normal signs of an affair. So, although I don't know you and I do believe you when you say you haven't, I don't think his premise is unreasonable.

It does sound like he is over-analyzing but I can sympathize with him on this to some extent so I don't really consider that a bad thing, exactly. I think he just needs reassurance from you, like he claims. I personally would believe him when he says he does trust you. All he's done, really, is come up with a hypothesis and he needs it to be either proven or refuted before he can move forward. I understand that the hypothesis is offensive to you since it definately reflects on your character and your relationship with your husband, but I think you may be being a little sensitive about it. If he claims he doesn't really think you would do that, then essentially he's just a little confused about some little facts hes collected here or there and just wants to put his mind at ease.

That's what I take from the situation anyway. I do tend to be pretty straightforward and clueless to underlying nuances and meanings so, take it with a grain of salt just commenting on what I think about it.

Anyway, if he did have some other motive or his faith in you has been broken or whatever, I really don't know how you'd go about proving such a thing so I'd find it more ...reasonable isn't the right word but I can't think of a better one... to accept him at his word. If other situations crop up where he starts showing additional mistrust of you and possibly referencing one of these instances, then you will have a problem on your hands. Until then I don't think you can definitively say that this is anything other than what he says it is.

Does that make sense?

Hi loco467,

I can't speak for all aspies and I'm not officially diagnosed myself, so all I can offer is my opinion. Just don't get mad at me, OK?

While I believe that you feel hurt and treated unfairly, I can't fully understand why you feel that way about these questions either. I mean, I really don't get all "You shouldn't ask, you should know" thing and never did. Relationships are the most difficult, unpredictable and complicated thing. The only way I can see to sort of navigate through them is by analyzing small details, finding their relations and trying to put them into something that could resemble a whole picture. Sometimes my conclusions are right, sometimes they're wrong. If your husband is anything like me, he might have done the same thing. It doesn't mean he wants to believe that "picture". Actually, I'm pretty sure he wishes with all his heart for you to deny it. However, he may not be able to ignore it once it's there in his head. Maybe he trust you but is afraid that it's his own emotions that are making him blind.
You may disagree with me on this, but I think the fact that he chose to openly talk to you about it and ask you instead of investigating things on his own or in some other way, shows that he does trust you and is willing to believe the answer you give him.
From what you've written, I don't think he was accusing you of anything. Just some thoughts, once triggered, can become very pervasive and torturing. That doesn't mean he's paranoid. Unless there's been some other issues with that.
My advice would be to calmly assure him that you didn't cheat on him and would not do that, explain him how the things he connected are not related at all and ask him to be just as open-minded and understanding when you explain him why his questions hurt you. For all I know, he might be thinking that your reaction only confirms his suspicions.
Well, as I said, it's just my opinion and advice. You may take it or leave it. Anyway, I wish you both best of luck resolving this situation.

I think it is likely that he trusts you and that if you tell him you haven't cheated, that he will have no reason not to believe you. Once a thought gets into my head about someone/something, I often can't get it out again until I can collect some sort of external data to verify or debunk the thought's message.

Hearing you say "I have never and would never cheat on you. These event were all unrelated to one another." might be all he needs to let the thought go.

As was previously mentioned, counseling might be a good idea. It is also possible that your husband is having difficulty dealing with the loss of your child via miscarriage. We Aspies often do not even realize why we are upset so our brains can make up stories based upon tenuously connected data points in an effort to rationalize our emotions.

Good luck with this. I hope you two work it out.

This definitely sounds like me when I was in a relationship with another girl with AS...

Years ago, when I had such low self-esteem that I would always question how I got so lucky to have gotten her, I did ask her if she was cheating on me.

I think I asked her on the basis of her being secretive about her whereabouts or over-generalizing her day. When I would ask how her day was and what she got up to, it would always be a nonchalant "not much", or "went to work". Those answers never did satisfy my questions, because I wanted to hear them in more detail. So when I requested she would, she would change the topic of conversation or deflect the question.

I give the above excerpt, because I was consistently never given detail as to what she had done on certain days outside of school. With a gut feeling and my low confidence, I felt she could easily get any other guy she wanted. Now, I didn't have many friends during school, so when I got someone who wanted to be a part of my life, I wanted to make sure it was true because it almost sounded too good to be so.

I won't try to assume what your husband is thinking, but I would have to say that its plausible and very similar to what I wanted from my old girlfriend. I wanted to calm that horrendous thought by any means necessary. Simply by hearing from the horses mouth, it was enough to put that thought to rest. So when it comes to thoughts invading our minds, I would have to say it is definitely common enough.

What I would like to encourage is that the lines of communication aren't severed by a means of anger. I just makes things even more tense and accomplishes nothing. I know its very hard not to get more than upset, but sometimes people with AS just don't know any better.
I know I'm in no place to talk, since I've never gotten married and only have had one relationship, but maybe you could just lay all of your cards out on the table? Now I understand that people with AS do not like to do that, but I'm confident in assuming that it doesn't hurt to show someone who you are married to, such things. You guys are like a team in a way, and a team can't function that well without true communication, right?

I really hope that helps you in this troubling period and I wish the absolute best for you and your husband

I have been in this situation - in the position of your husband. I am self-diagnosed and suffered greatly because my partner could not understand why I was suspicious and needed it spelled out. Since you asked for the AS perspective, here's mine:

Don't try to understand why he needs this at this point. Just sit down with him as soon as possible and as calmly as you can say, "I did not and never have cheated on you." Then he will have a bunch of questions like, "what about that day when bla bla bla?" Just give him the raw information he needs in as unemotional a way as you can. Tell him at the start you are willing to answer his questions once and for all, not go over and over them.

Aspies need things spelled out to them. We can't fly by our instincts like NTs. We over analyse things. We are information processors. We can't "read" peoples intentions. We are truth seeking freaks who can get very disoriented by subtly, emotion, and being expected to know another person's mind and heart.

If this problem between you is coming from his Aspie nature, I'd bet the above will fix it. If he gets fixated and can't let it go, maybe there are deeper issues that should be addressed with a therapist who understands AS.

Best wishest to you both.

Yes, he definitely sounds Aspie. Given that, this development in your relationship certainly isn't surprising. I believe, strongly, that Aspie's just aren't good relationship material. They come with loads of issues, both organic and due to past disappointments and heartbreaks. I would suggest you guys go to counselling. The one good thing about all this is that you can likely depend on him to be completely honest with his feelings-- certainly better than keeping them hidden, which can happen readily in any NT relationship.

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Check out "Problem Child," my memoir of life with autism.

All of this. ^^ Perfectly said.

To those who think I'm being unreasonable: This is probably the biggest fight we've ever had in our relationship and I can't put everything that's gone through my head into words because it won't make sense and it's a lot, it's boring and probably unnecessary. But, please accept my heartfelt thanks for responding. It really does help to have different points of view. I understand my husband most of the time but most of the time, he doesn't question my character so, even though you may not understand where I'm coming from and you think I'm unreasonable, to me, I'm not. Like I said, thank you regardless because your responses have already helped.

Statistics: I understand that the statistics show that most people do cheat. But if you knew the two of us, you'd know there wasn't a chance either he or I would cheat. Like I said in the original post, even if either of us wanted to, neither of us have the time. I run my own business and we have a child. We're either working or running around with our daughter. And this isn't a 9-5 job. Both the business and our daughter requires almost the entire 24 hours of our day. There's just no time to do anything in between.

And I'm sure you've heard this from other people in the past but, my husband and I are ... I guess ... soul mates would be the best way to describe it. I don't just mean in the movie/fiction/romantic story kind of way. We really do understand each other in a way that most couples we know just don't. You have to understand that I think most NTs would not be able to understand my husband the way I believe I do. I really genuinely try (I don't always get it) but you have to understand that in the years we've been together, this is the first time I've ever heard him ask me something that I felt questioned the trust that existed between us.

From an AS's point of view, this may really just be an innocent question but from an NT who is a woman, especially, it is more upsetting to see that he's entertaining the idea even though the facts don't support it. This wasn't just a simple, "Have you ever cheated on me?" discussion. This was a long email, like he had made up a case in his mind of things that are completely unrelated and unrealistic. I don't want to offend anyone but none of my friends would ever come to that conclusion based on the facts he was arguing with. For example, I was playing music using Apple's iTunes software and it was randomly playing songs that previously appeared on their "Genius" program. One of the songs was "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce. I skipped the song because I don't particularly like it and he assumed I did it because I felt guilty for doing something naughty. I'm sorry but, this is so far-fetched. He even went so far as to say I was having an affair with someone who worked at our bank because he knew the only places I went when I wasn't at home or at work was either the grocery store or the bank. I mean, seriously?

We have a very strong relationship and we've always trusted each other unconditionally. And, I'd like to think he does trust me still and I'm starting to feel a little more reassured that he does trust me unconditionally. But, I'm just having a hard time understanding his claim that this was a simple objective question. The subject of cheating is not usually objective to the one who's being cheated on so, if he thought I was cheating on him, how can he be, as he claims, so objective unless he really thought it was possible that I did it. And the fact he thought I did it does hurt.

AS way of dealing with miscarriage: I never thought of it that way. My husband didn't react to the miscarriage at all but I wasn't sure if this was because of his Buddhist beliefs or because of his AS. I had a hard time because I felt as though I was the only one upset over what had happened. My husband said he was a little upset but that he was mostly neutral, which was something I couldn't understand at the time but I let it go.

This was the first time he had been upset over something that was related to the miscarriage but, related in that he made the cheating relate to the miscarriage even though the cheating wasn't real and the miscarriage was.

Maybe he is finally dealing with what happened. I don't know.

Counseling: I've asked him if he thought we would benefit from counseling but he doesn't seem to like the idea. It would be nice to hear from a professional about whether he truly is an AS but, as someone who has studied Psychology, I feel the field of study can be very subjective. Both my husband and I have looked into whether he could have Schizo tendencies, alcoholism (whether alcoholism leads to AS tendencies or whether AS has led him to alcoholism), insomnia (I think he has trouble sleeping because he obsesses over things) and it's possible he could have something else but, like I said, he doesn't want to see anyone at this time.

To Spawn195: I certainly don't think that highly of myself but my husband has asked me several times out of the blue why I'm with him. He constantly tells me that he can't imagine being with anyone else because he knows no one else would understand him like I do. I guess it's possible it has something to do with his self-esteem. I never thought he'd ever be insecure about our relationship but now that this has happened, I'm starting to rethink that. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings very often. Most men don't. I think AS makes it even more difficult. And after I was upset over this, he did say something like he thought I wanted him to leave me because I got so angry. I told him that just because I'm angry doesn't mean I want him to leave. It means I want something to change.

I really appreciate this response. I think this is what he wants. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding why it's necessary. I feel like he should just know that I didn't cheat on him. I guess that doesn't make sense since I try to spell everything else out for him. Maybe because this particular issue questions my character and so, it's even more upsetting.

See, you nailed it right there: "I feel like he should just know..." We don't just know when it comes to other people. We are very logic driven, but logic can drive one in the wrong direction and things can start to "add up" to an erroneous conclusion. That's why an Aspie needs and seeks verification and only accepts it in the raw information, spell-it-out-to-me way. I understand that you feel hurt. My partner was too. But it could have all been over quickly if I had the information that I needed in the format that I needed. Going through this process with him, his way, might just bring you closer together.

Also, from his perspective, your apparent unwillingness to spell it out fuels his disorientation and suspicousness. Hopefully, one day you will laugh together about this misunderstanding.

I just wanted to thank everyone again for responding. I just wanted to let you know that we finally talked tonight. I told him how I felt and he told me how he felt. It was a very good conversation. I don't know what I'll be like tomorrow. Hopefully the feelings of hurt won't come back because I finally believe that he wasn't suggesting that I cheated so much as he was just going through random scenarios in his head. He shared even more situations with me that he thought could have been times I may have cheated. The more we talked about it, the funnier the whole situation got so, we actually just laughed about it in the end.

I have always felt like I dealt with his AS really well but this one really threw me off. I think it really helped me understand him even better although there are still a lot of things I need to learn.



I wanted to say this earlier but I didn't know how to say it well. I actually love the things that make him likely to be an AS — especially his honesty. I think a lot of women wouldn't be able to handle how blunt he can be but I love it! The problem is that this time around, it was about my character and that really hurt and probably clouded my judgment.

Seriously guys, I can't thank you enough. You all helped more than you know. Most of my friends and family never understand my husband and I's fights so, I often feel alone when we have disagreements. My mother tries to give me advice but her advice would only work if my husband was an NT so, I'm always left alone trying to figure out what's going on.

Thanks again (for the millionth time)! !

I do think you acted defensively because you veiwed his analysis as a character attack on yourself. I think that it is extremely likely that his "suspicions" had nothing to do with yourself but rather just a random collection of facts that he was unable to explain. You mentioned that you believe he'd only be able to be objective about the analysis if he believed you did it. I'd be more inclined to say the opposite because if he really believed you did do it he would probably be upset to the point of meltdown. The fact that he is looking at it logically and supposedly objectively indicates to me that he doesn't feel extremely emotionally about it and therefore doesn't really think it happened.

It is very good that you seem to be working it out I'd also like to commend you for keeping an open mind. Sometimes partners come on here (or other forums) only looking for validation that their partner is way out of line.


P.S. In regards to miscarriage, I'd also like to make a brief comment on that and say that I can't really see a reason to assume that he isn't dealing well with it. His lack of grief could be seen by others to be a "burying emotions" type of mechanism but not nessisarily. For example, I personally have trouble feeling the emotion labled as "grief" at all. I didn't feel it when my father passed away when I was 11 and it wasn't a buried emotion, it just wasn't there. I would not be upset about a miscarriage. So I wouldn't really hold on to the idea that he has undealt-with grief. Seems to me like this could be one of the things that always gets dug up when one partner feels the other is being unreasonable "Oh you're just upset because -blank-!" and that can detract from the actual real issues at hand. So just a word of caution.