Obsessive thoughts becoming debilitating.

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For the longest time I've had terrible thoughts in my head. Fantasies about torturing and killing people. Or people killing someone that I love. These thoughts are fully fleshed out and vivid. Someone does something to me, I retaliate in a horrible way, I go to prison, I do horrible things to people there, and I experience my fiancee leaving me and nobody comes to visit or support me. My condition gets worse in my head and then the fantasy repeats itself over and over again. A lot of these fantasies end with me committing suicide. These thoughts act similarly to strange loops.

They're at their strongest when I'm driving because my mind goes on auto pilot for some reason. I deal with idiots on the road all the time and they throw me into a rage. I've even started to follow people who cut me of off give my the finger. Because of this, I'm having to work from home and I have a hard time going to school because I feel that it's too risky to drive. I have to actively be doing something to keep myself out of my head. I play video games and music constantly so that my mind is occupied. When I try to study, read, or passively watch tv, my mind wanders to these thoughts.

I'm seeing two therapists. One deals with my emotional side and social problems while the other is more the brain mechanic. He tells me why my brain is doing what its doing and prescribes me medication. I'm on an antipsychotic for these thoughts, but it's not working. We've tried several combinations of medication for this, as well as other things my aspie brain needs help with, and it's just not working.

These thoughts are just so bad. Most of the time, I think about hurting "composite" people. They have a face, but no name. But when they hurt someone I love, my torture fantasies know no bounds. The ending scene from the movie Audition doesn't come close to the thoughts in my head. My doctor thinks these thoughts stem from years of abuse from my peers, so they all start with someone taking advantage of authority or power over me. I've even thought of doing this to people that I know or have known. I keep getting told that everything will be okay and that only a small percentage of people with homicidal/suicidal ideation actually act on their thoughts, but what if I'm in that small percentage? I'm already unlucky enough to have been diagnosed with several mental disabilities.

I don't want to hurt anybody, but I'm getting worse. I've thought about checking myself into a mental health facility, but I've been in one before when I was younger and it made things worse. They take away things that keep myself out of my head and they cut off communication with everyone. I was even woken up in the middle of the night and given a pill and they wouldn't tell me what it was for. I'd be stuck in my head even more and they'd have reason to keep me there against my will if something were to snap inside of me.

I hope someone can give me some advice that my doctors haven't already. I'm in need of more positive experiences, but my life is full of negative and neutral experiences.

How is your sleep? And do you usually dream when you sleep? The thoughts sound like the waking equivalent of cathartic dreams or violent nightmares. NOT that this is schizophrenia, it doesn't sound like it, but I read that schizophrenia is the result of the sleep-awake cycle being switched so that I think executive function (?) is impaired in daytime instead of at night. Hopefully you can tell by the vague way I'm writing this I don't remember the exact details at all. Anyway my thought is that if your brain is in something like R.E.M. mode when you're awake it could cause you to have these really vivid and uncontrollable fantasies that are your mind working through your emotional issues like it would in dreams.I wonder if something like melatonin would help reset the fantasies to while you're dreaming.

1. Stop following people you are mad at in road rage incidents. This can get you or someone else killed, or land you in jail, or the loony bin.

Instead accept that everyone on the road, including yourself, is crazy and get on with your life. You need to play soothing music while you drive. Or play some fun types of music, so you can calm and distract yourself from the road rage moods.

2. You seem to be having related problems in other areas of your life, where your thoughts tend to run on into unpleasant, and violent tracks.

You need to find ways to distract yourself and keep yourself occupied.

- Listen to and/or play music
- Exercise
- Take courses, either in person or online
- Hobbies
- Join clubs
- Volunteer with charitees
- Surf the I-net
- Read
- Watch TV/DVDs

Because of your road rage behaviors, I suggest you stick to the items above that can be done at home, for a while, until you are better able to control your feelings.

I don't think it's schizophrenia because I can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I've contacted my doctor to see if maybe my medication is making things worse. I'm so afraid of losing control. I don't want to tell people "I told you so" from a mental hospital. I just keep getting told to simply control it or think about something else like I have this magic switch that can focus my attention elsewhere. It's like being in a horrid nightmare, waking up, and falling right back into the same nightmare when you go back to sleep.

Sorry I didn't mean you have schizophrenia, basically I was saying what I had read about the circadian cycle being switched in it might apply to things other than schizophrenia like intrusive thoughts alone. And melatonin if I remermber right (maybe not) is a supplement to take when your circadian rhythm is misset. I am sorry you are having such a horrible time. I'll post any actual information about circadian rhythms etc. if I find any.

Shadewraith, I have gone through a period like that. It's completely naural I think for aspies and such to take injustice very hard. It's actually a good thing if you think about it, causing harm to those who do evil. But the fact is there are ways of working around the thoughts that make you want to cause this suffering.

That is bad advice they're giving you. That's almost the way not to do it. Or, it's kind of like an old-line Baptist minister harping on the evils of card playing, or a person trying not to think about a white cow.

The alternative is a half-ass zen approach. View them as just thoughts. And I know that's a stereotype, too. But that's more of an open field.

I also have violent thoughts, for example, recently about what I call 'crapola dept store.' One of the commission sales people was a bully and the so-called 'managers' (cough, cough) didn't do anything about it. So, in one fantasy, I'm the head of some criminal outfit, and I have muscle on the payroll. So I have some of my boys take this guy to a warehouse. And the next morning we leave his dead and mutilated corpse in front of the goddam store.

Another fantasy, perhaps a little more healthy, I have an uncle who's a mobster and he respectfully argues with me. '____________, please, out of respect for you, let me take care of this. I'm not talking about killing the guy. Let me just have some of my boys touch him up a little bit. Please. Out of respect to you.' And then, if I decide to let it go, I letting it go out of a conscious decision, not because I have no other choice. Plus, I get a little credit for being Ghandhi. maybe

I talked about 'crapola dept store' in a couple of long posts (maybe too long) and someone made a quick throwaway comment. But no one really responded. Not in any kind of full-bodied sense. And to some extent, yeah, it pisses me off. Still does.
“Bullying behavior at work, nonresponse here at WP.”
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt155745.html

That's a big one for me, too.

I've had similar thoughts in my head, but they are sightly different than the OP thoughts based on what on I what I read.

My current job has made it much worse. Due to the BS I have to deal from the people there.

I was much more at peace with life back in HS, this is part of the reason why I want to go on disibitity once I'm finished in June, but I don't think my parents would be too fond of that....

I appreciate the responses. I talked to my doctor and he wants to put me on something stronger to help me.

I saw a young psychiatrist connected to a medical university in 1989 when I was 26 for obsessive-compulsive issues, loneliness, and family issues. He wanted me to try Prozac. I asked a question. He explained about blocking uptake sites. I asked a follow-up question. He then said, “I don’t have to justify my recommendations.” Wow.

Okay, straight up, this and two previous bad dealings, I am generally in the ‘camp’ that psychiatrists aren’t very good, but instead generally tend to be dogmatists and obnoxious jerks.

But there are some exceptions. If you or anyone else has found a good one, more power to you! And roll with a good situation.

I also struggle with bouts of depression. And man, I just wish this guy had explained it better and treated me as a person worthy of respect. Have since read up on SSRIs and other antidepressants. That’s part of my game plan for next time. As I understand it, even the top psychiatrist on the Texas Gulf Coast, for example, can’t predict whether a particular medication for work for a particular patient. That in a respectful sense, it remains trial and error. Both doctors and patients should be willing to tinker with the medication and try new things.

Sounds like your guy is at least okay.

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Also, started getting involved in peace activism the same year. And protested the build-up to the Persian Gulf War in 1990, and the war itself in ’91. (and believe me, I’m aware it was a popular war with my fellow citizens ) Activism was disappointing in that fellow activists tended to be standoffish. Maybe people after a growth period are more in a consolidation phase. Manybe people have heard enough scary stories about FBI informers and the like. And I didn’t become a star like I vaguely hoped with my background in philosophy.

So, how do I reconcile this with my violent fantasies? Well, in a way, I don’t. But also, I have a (imaginary!) background as a retired mobster and know vividly that revenge doesn’t work. Still replay that tape for time to time, yep, it still doesn’t work.

Some previous study of marital arts, like my plan to grab someone on opposite shoulder, defensive position for me, but also protects them from me.

I've looked into these thoughts of mine and, with the combination of other feelings/thoughts I have and what I've been diagnosed with already, I seem to qualify for several different personality disorders. Now I'm waiting until my doctors confirm or deny this, but it's a good possibility.

Enough people here at WP have reported at one time or another being diagnosed as schizotypal that it gets me thinking there's some overlap with aspergers-autism, at least with some of the symptoms.

Might you view the violent fantasies as a type of ballast ? ? Like the person says above, taking injustice hard is kind of an aspie trait and may not be such a bad thing. Maybe that combined with a zen approach of neither holding onto a thought nor attempting to push it out but instead viewing it with (half)-detachment. (zen by it's very nature is something I think is usually better done imperfectly)

My doctor let me take the MMPI and I scored high in schizophrenia, psychopathic deviate, paranoia, depression, most of the poor social scales, self-depreciation, hostility, and a few others. He also had me write out a fantasy of mine exactly how it was in my head. You could tell by the way my handwriting and the sentence structured changed during the course of the story how it was effecting me mentally. It was alarming to him to see both my results and my fantasies written down. All of my fantasies are retaliation to a threat and because of my history, I perceive most people I meet as a threat. I have this reservoir of bile inside of me that's finally coming to the surface. All of it is from years of abuse.

The worst part is that I have difficulty with change, so leaving my comfort zone to try and change isn't something I really want to do. At the same time, I know that it would help me. I keep getting asked "what would help you?" and I've thought about it a lot. I really think that having one or two more friends who I can trust and share myself with would help me. The only problem with that is that I find it nearly impossible to befriend a male as I have always been mistreated by them. I've found it very easy to talk to people here on WP. Is there maybe a forum where I could find such a friend?

Sorry for letting my post get a bit off topic.

Now, that's two openings, two potential areas where you might be able to try new things, your own decision at your own pace, with light touch and feel-and-texture, and potentially develop and add some new skills to your existing skill set.

I know I try and add some new skills from time to time, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. And sometimes good things where I least expect them.

I hope we can use WP as a good base to do pro-spectrum activism. And potentially as a good base for social events by city or area. And friendship might happen from such activities, or might not, and either one's okay.

As far as forums, I like WP, a lot. I feel a participate, a lot. At the same time, I would like additional spectrum-friendly forums. I have heard a little about Aspies for Freedom, both good and bad.

Okay, for me, a big one, if I show of myself, like at a job or school, I reveal myself, I try sincerely, and then I'm treated with disrespect, that's a big one. I can conjure up some pretty ferocious and fearsome revenge fantasies in response to that. Again, if I were a mafioso and had henchmen working for me, I could prove to this idiot that they were wrong for not taking me seriously.

Of course, may be too dearly purchased. May not be worth it. Probably isn't. I more believe in, let a jackass just go ahead and be a jackass. It's not worth my time and effort or even acknowledgement. And in work situations, maybe go more medium step by medium step. Of course, if someone disrespects me after seeming to be a friend, well, now, I know where they stand.

And about the MMPI, the ol’ Minnesota Multiphasic (?) Personality Inventory, well, when I took “Abnormal Psychology” way back in the fall of 1984 (I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, which I freely acknowledge is light years from being a doctor. It really reminds me how much I don’t know, is really what it does), a student asked the professor:

“Does it measure anything besides pathology?”

And the professor answered, “No.”

And he went on to explain that it seems to be most popular in Minnesota, not surprisingly, and less popular in concentric circles outward, and that it was developed in a specific time and place (I think the 1950s), and it includes questions like “Do you like reading Popular Mechanics?”

Then, he said it’s one tool among many.

But I took it, anyone different in any way, on this test will show up as “pathology.” So, more original, creative people will likely be “pathological” in at least several different ways.

The book had a chapter on mental retardation. No way it had a chapter on autism, maybe something brief, but no way did it have a big discussion of the broader spectrum. (My own stereotype of autism was that it’s people who can’t speak and who engage in repetitive, sometimes self-injurious, motions.)

@AardvarkGoodSwimmer, I really don't take tests like that too seriously. I mean I scored high (98) as a psychopathic deviate. Seriously? I'm a very kind person at heart. I just think about terrible things. While I am afraid that I may act on them, I still wouldn't consider myself a psychopath, though I did meet most of the DSM criteria for having ASPD oddly enough (this is why simple diagnostic tests don't always mean something). I do feel that, with the combination of my past and by the way my thoughts, beliefs, and overall personality have been for most of my life, that I may have, at worst, borderline personality disorder. The most likely personality type I have is either dependent or avoidant. My reasoning comes from asking people who know me very well a series of questions about myself without telling them why I'm asking them. Their answers have all been consistent and match up with what I feel. Again, simple tests don't mean much, but I was curious. I'm going to see one of my psychiatrists today and I'm going to give him a list of my thoughts and feelings (as I always do. It makes things go quicker) and see if he pieces it together.