I keep panicking because of being unable to socialise

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I don't know why but I keep getting this urge to socialise, but know I can't because of my AS and social phobia holding me back. I'm not a very logic person - I'm more interested in people, I always have been, but lately I've been on the verge of screaming and breaking down because of being unable to socialise as good as the rest of the people who I know.

Having an obsession with certain people doesn't help, though. I am obsessed with a group of bus-drivers (NOT in First, in case anybody asks), and they are all (as far as I know) NTs, and I have a crush on two of them, one I speak to. But I get afraid that he might find something odd about me and not want to speak to me any more or might even talk about me to the other drivers and say ''oh there's this weird girl who gets on my bus, don't start speaking to her because she's a bit weird....'' or something like that, and then I might get a name for myself. I know how closed-minded NTs can be. I know it's mostly me being paranoid but I can't seem to shake off my paranoid feelings, since I don't trust people, but it's not so much other people, it's myself who I don't trust. I know I probably come out with something weird or make give off some sort of a weird impression. But also, there are two women in the company too. One has speech difficulties, but I still rather have her condition than my condition because she can still find the right things to say and make friends easy, she just has difficulties with pronouncing words. And the other woman is called my favourite name, and is so confident, and now I'm urging to be like her. But I know I will never be her because I am not confident enough. I go to a social situation and just sit there stiffly and looking shy and timid, and I can't imagine her being like that. So that makes me feel miserable too, that I'm always going to be boring old me.

On top of that, all my adult cousins are all into going out to clubs and pubs at week-end nights, and can all do it because they have the correct social skills, unlike me. I want to do it with them, but because I know I have uneven social skills, I know I will stick out like a sore thumb, and I don't like some of the girls they go out with anyway. Also they meet up with, like, over 30 different people, and go to really loud bars where you can't hear yourself think, and I don't like drinking and dancing either, plus I have major stress and anxiety issues, so I'm just not up for that. But I wish I wasn't born like this - I want to be someone with correct social skills and built for social situations. It isn't fair. I think my AS is very cruel, because it gives me s**t social skills, but makes my obsession be about people. Now that is enough to make me miserable, being too aware of the social world but knowing I can't be part of it without looking ridiculous.

Feel so depressed. Can anybody relate? Does anyone know how I feel?

Hey Joe,

I know I've posted to you several times that you should just "make yourself try" and about how people really don't notice or pay as much attention to you as you think they do, but as I was reading your post this morning, it hit me. Having AS yourself as I do, you know that once you get an idea in your head about how something should be done, it's hard to see a different way. I had an "Aha! moment" so to speak just now.

I just woke up and am having my coffee, so if I'm not making much sense, PM me or post back and I'll try to clarify. Here we go with what I want to say; I'm going to make a few points, then tie them all together at the end, and this is the only way I know how to do it at the moment without a long, rambling, boring post that you may get tired of reading in the middle of. The points do all have something to do with your situation though, and what I just thought of. Bear with me please, I'm coming at this from a different perspective this time.

1. Back in the day when I was young, nobody knew about AS. I was just wierd, a freak, a loser, a nerd, painfully shy, awkward, etc. You know the words they used to describe me. I never knew what to say to people, and even if I knew what to say I would forget it in a situation where I was talking to someone because I felt under pressure. I understood conversation on one level. I read books, I watched tv, I listened to other people talk. I knew how it worked. I understood what people said and why. Sometimes it was more complicated and I didn't understand it right off, but I did know what to say when I wasn't the one having to talk. When a situation came up where someone wanted to talk to me, I felt enormous pressure, my thoughts would race, I couldn't find the right words, I had too many choices in my mind of what they meant, how I should answer, etc, so I would come out with something stupid or nothing at all. If I ever did manage to get something out, it would be after much too long and usually involve a lot of "uuuhhhh" and a wierd kind of nonclassical stuttering. Oddly enough, at home with my family I could be pretty articulate and I could also be on paper. I wanted to socialize but I froze and just didn't know how when the time came. People thought that I either didn't want anything to do with others, or that I was some way or other "ret*d" when it came to that part of life. They knew I wasn't low IQ "ret*d" but obviously something was "wrong with me". Maybe they thought that whatever was wrong with me just made me either unable to socialize or answer, or that I just didn't care either way if I did, etc. Sort of like how a blind man can't pick out the colors to paint his room, and he won't care if you pick out hideous colors. He's oblivious to it. Some people thought I was oblivious to socializing, didn't understand or care, so they left me alone. Others made fun of me. Bad fun of me. For years and years. Hard to get over that.

What happened was, four new girls came to our school in one year. Windy, Elisha, Deborah, and Patricia. They sat in the back near me and were friendly. Windy and I got to be good friends, and as she was friends with the others, we all got to be good friends. Patricia was also a good friend. I saw them outside of school, and saw the other two outside of school several times. Anyway, they saw something in me. I guess that being new, they hadn't formed the opinion that I was wierd. I got comfortable with them. I mainly hung out with Windy after school, and she would point out the things that I did wrong. She did it in a matter of fact way, not a making fun way or a "oh so gentle I don't want to hurt your feelings" way. She and I talked about my wierdness. She agreed to help me, as they all did. They did help. Over a couple of years there, I learned to talk to people. I got more confident. Or at least I learned to act confident, I've never been confident about my looks at all. Looks were very important at my school, and I didn't have them, at least I didn't think I did. So, by the time I was 16 - 17, I was like everybody else in the ability to hang out, party, start conversations, do the right thing most of the time socially, and when I didn't I'd blow it off like "no, that's just me. deal with it or don't I don't care".

So, I know how you feel and thats how I got over mine. That was point 1. Now on to......


Point 2. Over a decade ago, I had agoraphobia and panic disorder. For over two years I couldn't leave my house. I had debilitating panic attacks any time I got out of my comfort zone which kept getting smaller and smaller at first until it included only the inside of my house, not even the porch. I would have them inside the house too. Several a day. Being terrified of the panic attacks, I'd end up having more of them. I went to doctors and tried all these different meds (except Xanax - nobody tried that then) they didn't help. I went to different therapists and tried to get better. Nothing helped. I finally found a therapist who used to have the exact same disorder and who decided to go back to school and become a therapist after her husband died and help women with those same issues she struggled with herself.

She would tell me "you have do just make yourself do it. You will not die. You will not pass out. Nothing will happen to you". I knew that in my head, but I couldn't know it emotionally, so I kept having the attacks and the phobia. Eventually she started helping me. We would go places and do things after my therapy. I saw her for years and we became friends outside of therapy. I could call her at any time when I was having a panic attack, or if I had to try and go somewhere, and unless she was in therapy with someone, she would talk me through it. She then suggested I try meds. I went to another dr and got Xanax. Between the Xanax and the therapy, I got over it but it took time.

That was point 2, now I'm going to.....


Tying point 1 and 2 together for your situation; I used to be like you. I am not anymore because I had people there to help me and teach me things to say and I felt social support from them, which helped me. I was scared and it was hard to just do it, but my friends were with me. Later on I had a phobia and even though I knew that I wouldnt die because I went to the grocery store I still couldn't go. Knowing that nothing would really happen except a panic attack didn't help me anymore than me saying to you "Nobody is going to care if you mess up socially". What the brain knows and what the mind feels are two different things. My point is, that it's possible to get over social phobia, just like any phobia, with the correct help.

I got over my social phobia because my friends helped me. It was the first time I had friends and I was happy about it. I felt supported. That is what I needed to be able to learn and not be afraid and build confidence. I got over my agoraphobia because I found the right therapist and the right med to help me get over it. I felt comfortable with her and confident that the med would stop a panic attack or prevent one in the first place, so I was able to focus on doing what I had to do. I think you just haven't found the right way of beating this fear and learning how to do social stuff yet. I think, like me, it probably started out as awkwardness and not being able to answer right, and when kids made fun it turned into fear and then into a phobia. I also think that you (like I used to do) see everyone else's actions as a reaction to something you do or did, when they may not have noticed you at all. I think that's from being made fun of. It's a natural by product of it, and I wouldn't call it PTSD or anything but I think it's part of the phobia.

I think that you need to find a good therapist to see about this. Someone who you feel comfortable with. Give it several sessions before you decide. It may be hard to explain or talk at first. That's to be expected. Also, there may be meds you can try that will help you out in the beginning. I was on Xanax for two years before I felt confident enough to go off it and leave home without it. It's not a life sentence.

It's something you can get over, with the right help. With the determination to do it, and with the right guidance force yourself out of your comfort zone little by little. It may not be something you can do on your own. I would really suggest finding a therapist to help you with this. It can be done.

I hope that was somewhat coherant. My blood levels of caffiene aren't up to my normal baseline yet lol. If you see it as a phobia that you need to have treated, as an irrational fear which causes an inability, then you can look at treatment from an entirely different angle.

I do wish you the best.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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I am fascinated with people but hate trying to socialize "normally", the continued eye contact, the expected fake emotional reactions, and concentration required make it an agonizing experience.
I pretty much do my own thing now. Most people think I'm weird, some think I'm rude, but the people that matter don't care, I't just not worth the migraine trying to act normal. Plus you would be surprised the number of people who like weird.