Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ] 

FireMinstrel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jun 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 567

06 Mar 2012, 12:38 am

When I was young, I had it in me that adults were supposed to instantly FIX their children's, or students' problems. My parents weren't supposed to JUST get angry at the fact that for example, a teacher was being unfair to me! They were supposed to straighten the teacher out! If they cared enough to rant to me and each other about how unfair it was, they should have cared enough to take action against the person who was for all intents and purposes, harming their child!
Adults were not supposed to be helpless! They were supposed to be able take care of a bad situation!
Anyone else here understand where I'm coming from? To expect the grownups to handle difficult situations, only to be disappointed and disgusted when they slowly began to realize just how helpless and/or lazy adults can be? Especially adults that are responsible for the well-being of others?
Am I making sense here?


_________________
"I'm sorry, I seem to have a tin ear for other people's feelings..." -Naoto Shirogane


StarBird
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 34
Location: California

06 Mar 2012, 3:30 am

I can see where you are coming from. For me, it was more that I saw adults could fix everything and were always good just like super heroes. Then, I got older and I learned that a lot of adults aren't as good as I used to think they were, nor can they fix everything for you. I think it's just a part of growing up.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 102,825
Location: the island of defective toy santas

06 Mar 2012, 5:05 am

i was slowly yet surely deflowered by reality.



FireMinstrel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jun 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 567

06 Mar 2012, 5:14 am

If a kid was picking on me, why did they tell me what I should do? Surely if they went and found the kid and yelled at him or her, they would stop...right?
I understand now that you can't solve all of a child's problems, as they will grow up to be helpless and lazy, but when I was a little kid, I thought the grown-ups were the helpless and lazy ones. Why do other people grow up understanding this, yet I expected to be constantly protected?


_________________
"I'm sorry, I seem to have a tin ear for other people's feelings..." -Naoto Shirogane


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 102,825
Location: the island of defective toy santas

06 Mar 2012, 5:32 am

it was my experience, that the adults in my life tacitly approved of the bullies, as a sort of quality control over weaklings, to stigmatize and marginalize such, to limit their proper psycho-social development so that they would be less likely to live long enough to consume public resources or at least to reduce the chances that people like me would ever reproduce. as the recipient of such "officially sanctioned" abuse, i can tell you there is a sinister darwinian aspect to this, IOW the "sink or swim" meme is dominant in our mercenary american culture.



TheHouseholdCat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Feb 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 667
Location: Berlin, Germany

06 Mar 2012, 8:09 am

StarBird wrote:
I can see where you are coming from. For me, it was more that I saw adults could fix everything and were always good just like super heroes. Then, I got older and I learned that a lot of adults aren't as good as I used to think they were, nor can they fix everything for you. I think it's just a part of growing up.

Oh yeah, it's what you don't get about when other children bully you. I often have the feeling that those people who want to make the bullying seem less bad, actually were bullies themselves as kids. Because they were "just kids". Oh, thank you very much, those "kids" f***ed me up greatly and decreased my confidence. Kids who bully become adults who bully. It's as simple as that. You are not born a bully, but people allow you to be one.

auntblabby wrote:
i was slowly yet surely deflowered by reality.

:( God bless imagination.

auntblabby wrote:
it was my experience, that the adults in my life tacitly approved of the bullies, as a sort of quality control over weaklings, to stigmatize and marginalize such, to limit their proper psycho-social development so that they would be less likely to live long enough to consume public resources or at least to reduce the chances that people like me would ever reproduce. as the recipient of such "officially sanctioned" abuse, i can tell you there is a sinister darwinian aspect to this, IOW the "sink or swim" meme is dominant in our mercenary american culture.

Your explanation may seem a bit extreme, but I think it makes a lot of sense. Because people who do not work "properly" have to be put "right". I have pondered whether I should get children quite often and I mostly thought - as arrogant as that may sound - that I could be a much better parent than most, because I wouldn't feel it was my obligation to society to reproduce genetically perfect offspring. But I do not think I could raise a child, not right now, so it is out of the question. Having children seems like such a naive concept to me...

I like the Orwellian touch of your post.


_________________
EXPANDED CIRCLE OF FIFTHS

"It's how they see things. It's a way of bringing class to an environment, and I say that pejoratively because, obviously, good music is good music however it's created, however it's motivated." - Thomas Newman


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 102,825
Location: the island of defective toy santas

06 Mar 2012, 9:52 am

^^^
i haven't a clue as to why anybody would want to put children in the world today. do they all honestly believe that would be doing these vulnerable new spirits any favors? do some of them honestly believe that their special children will save this hellworld from itself?



Sora
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,906
Location: Europe

06 Mar 2012, 2:01 pm

Because of how little I understood of speech and social situations when I was little, I was the opposite and did not rely on that "mom and dad (or another adult) will fix it".

I grew up feeling responsible for myself as a kid already and I didn't go crying for help usually.

I'd have been comforted though and I was very much comforted when someone noticed that something was wrong but I just didn't seek out other people (and expected them to fix what was wrong) when I was hurt or hungry or for whatever other reason. The idea that somebody else other than me can fix things for me sank in with age.

However, most kids with AS that I know do have as much empathy/social ability to intuitively go crying for their parents (or teachers) when they get hurt, want something, have a wish or feel something that happened to them was unfair. They try to initiate interaction (though they don't always succeed) if they feel that something is amiss.

They actually tend to seem to rely more on adults than most of their non-autistic peers.

I noticed that if, say, a child slipped and smacked face down on the ground, only certain people such as their parents seem to be able to calm them down and other children or strangers who try to comfort them don't seem to "get through" to them because they're not the "right" person.


_________________
Autism + ADHD
______
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett


MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

06 Mar 2012, 2:30 pm

FireMinstrel wrote:
Adults were not supposed to be helpless! They were supposed to be able take care of a bad situation!
Anyone else here understand where I'm coming from?


As a former kid with AS, yup. As a parent now with three kids on the spectrum, yup.

Oddly enough, we've felt it necessary to step in and correct educators, or more accurately put, to educate the educators of our kids in several cases of unfair treatment. Apropos of your post, we're going through handling a particularly concerning situation involving a para-educator who recently suggested one of my kids drop out of school (he's barely 14). We're doing exactly what we've always felt our own parents should have done when we were in school, because we know damned well what it feels like when nobody sticks up for you in situations like that.

FireMinstrel wrote:
Am I making sense here?


Absolutely perfect sense.

EDIT: Like other posters here, I had to learn most of this "sticking up for myself," on my own. The problem is though, I spent most of my life fumbling at it because I had no idea how to do it with tact, and usually ended up being offensive, making the situations even worse. Kids need role models. I believe they'll learn better and faster if they see how it's done in ways that actually improve their situations.

We're the parents. It's our job to show them how.


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 32,152
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

06 Mar 2012, 3:30 pm

When I was young I pretty much got taught I was garbage and that no one cares, to sum it up as simply as possible. So I started internalizing things, and not going to my parents or teachers for problems with other kids because either teachers where in on it to, I would get ridiculed for being a tattle tale......or I felt my parents had enough to deal with so I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to be worried about me.

I guess I never really had the option of being able to run to any kids or teachers to fix my problems, I just had to deal with it with no coping skills.


_________________
Fascism is a disease.


FireMinstrel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jun 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 567

07 Mar 2012, 6:06 am

I can't figure out if this inaction my parents were guilty of was due to them being helpless people with a lack of resolve, or if they expected me to take care of the problem myself. It's useless to ask them now, as it happened 20 years ago, give or take, and they'd probably just accuse me of holding useless grudges and obsessing over the past.


_________________
"I'm sorry, I seem to have a tin ear for other people's feelings..." -Naoto Shirogane


Who_Am_I
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,630
Location: My body is in Brisbane and my mind is in the gutter. :D

07 Mar 2012, 8:19 am

Not me. It never really occurred to me that other people could be helpful at all.


_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I