Really not coping well at the moment

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Lots have been happening recently, and I am getting very stressed.

Basically, I am on a maths course to train to be a maths teacher. The maths is fine - in fact in most subjects I am top of the class. But in the social aspect, I am struggling. There are a couple of people I get on really well with. One of them today told me that the others talk about me and laugh about me behind my back. Now I do know this (there is one table that even do it to my face) but him telling me has really brought me down. The people I'm meant to be working with are doing it apparently, and I don't think he did the right thing telling me, though I appreciate he was trying to help me, because he was telling me not to be so open (in fact all the things he was telling me to do is what makes me me, and I have tried in the past to not act like that, but such is the nature of my condition).

I so wish I fitted in, that I wasn't so unusual all the time. I don't know how to be anyone else, but I wish to god I was someone else. I know logically that there are many great things about my aspergers, and some days I do feel it, but days like today I really don't.

And I do weird things. Like today I actually had a melt down. Basically, I had done loads of work for an assignment, all hand writing. As usual, I am ahead of the class. And the teacher was telling us things we had to include, and when I said I hadn't done that, not realising how far I had got and the days of work I had put in, he said as an off the cuff comment 'you'll have to do it again then'. I sat there a while, it took everyone ounce of effort not to rip up my work. Then I walked out, when to the toilet and due to the frustration and emotional overload, I started to hit my head against the wall. My teacher didn't even realise the affect of his words.

Now I don't have to redo the work. But that reaction wasn't entirely about the work, though that was the catalyst. We have had some bad news in the family, which I am struggling to process. And I am increasingly feeling so very lonely at the uni. Everyone else has formed these little groups. And I honestly think they don't realise the effects they are having on me with their comments and such.

I feel like I am going backwards now. I have just got to the point where I feel I can go to lunch with everyone (they all sit around one big table and talk as a group, which I find hard, so I don't normally go down and I stay in the classroom for lunch). Tomorrow I fear I'll be staying in the classroom again.

It's little things like they all seemed at the start to worry about anyone person sitting by themselves, but they don't seem to worry if I'm sitting by myself.

I saw this on a website, and it so hit the nail on the head for how I am feeling:

'One might wonder why some with Asperger want so much to "fit in". A person with Asperger is seen by most normal people as "different", even though many of those normal people will violently deny this when confronted ("There's nothing wrong with you!"). And some normal people naturally follow the line, "This person is different from what I am used to/This person therefore annoys me/Therefore I have to make this person suffer/As hard as I can/As long as I can/And I get away with it easily as this person cannot defend oneself/Otherwise I would not dare bully this person as I am an extreme coward and cry for my female parent while defecating in my trousers whenever someone so much as points a finger at me in response to my bullying". As a result, persons with Asperger tend to be the target of extreme continuous torture in almost every social environment they are or become part of. They are the natural focus of the inferior's hatred. Yes, it says "torture", and not "abuse" or even "teasing", as one sometimes sees, as those disgusting euphemisms do not even begin to describe reality. It is in the light of this life-long suffering that one must see the attempts of some misguided Aspergers to "fit in". They think the torture will end if they learn to act normal. But it will not and they can not.'

You have strengths too, you're good at the subject. It sounds like a lot of the class resents you for how well you do.

I'm guilty of making fun of people, and I get made fun of people who I've even done favors for. Do you ever feel the urge to make a joke about someone else? How do you think you would react if everyone were nice to you?

I'm asking because for other people, being pleasant is unnatural, sudden anger is also just unnatural. It's like most peer groups want you to be mildly unpleasant, yet reciprocative of any unexpected kindness they dish out. If you try to develop a rapport with a group like this, you may end up selling yourself short in other areas, you might be better off finding a different group to hang out with, or get acquainted with the university gym during lunch instead.

People who are different and unusual tend to get picked on a lot. I know i did, most of the time - mostly by family and relatives. I got called all manner of names and got treated like dirt. But despite all this there's nothing wrong with being yourself. it's the way others treat you for being different is what's wrong. The fact that you're top of your class may be another reason why people feel like laughing at you. They hope it will affect you, and that it will bring you down to their level. I know we all want to feel like we belong to something or with some people, and in most cases it's the people closest to you who only truly care for you.

I can tell you from experience to focus on being yourself and continue to do well in your studies. That's the reason you're in uni. Socializing and having friends in the end means nothing, as you will forget about one another once you all start your jobs, get married, have kids, have bills to pay etc. I'm not saying that socializing is bad, but in the end if you have a choice between popularity/friends/social life against your studies, you have to choose your studies, since doing well in them is more likely to pave the way for success in the future. What you learn stays with you, but the time spent around others is only good for that present moment.

But if you can find a way to balance the two - that's great. The best friends to have are those who like you as you are. If people don't - then it's their loss. That's the best way to see it. Best of luck. I hope it all works out.

I slightly disagree with you I wanna blue, as socialising could mean gaining good memories as well. Not trying to say the OP should fit in, but he needs to have a look around for Clubs to join with like minded people and have a laugh when he is away from number crunching. My biggest regret is going college and not exactly being a social person, as it made me feel lonely.

I got a great job despite not going to University as well so it's not all about studying to get the best job (OP if you somehow fail, don't beat yourself up over it, you will get a chance to become a Maths Teacher regardless), it can also be the luck of the draw...the OP wants to be a Maths Teacher, so his social experience needs to grow in order to do that, he won't get a job if he's only good at number crunching but not at educating other people, since he's not doing his job of getting that education into others if his social skills are bad.

Of course I would like the OP to carry on his studies but he needs to get a life to balance that out so when he does have family etc he'll have good memories of doing stuff rather then having no memories (or memories of numbers, which doesn't sound fun at all)

^
yes that's an excellent post and you make some very good points. finding like minded people is a great relief from the work stress and is necessary. i guess i've just lost so much trust in the good side of people, i just wanna stay away from them most of the time. having a balance is the best i suppose, and one shouldn't try to pursue socializing only as a way of compensating for our feelings of loneliness and feeling left out. i suppose that's what i hoped to tell the OP.

I heard that in eastern Europe under the iron curtain, they had clubs for math enthusiasts, they were appealing because one could escape the oppressive atmosphere and prove themselves too useful to persecute.

It seems that any group of people that arbitrarily socializes over here ends up making fun of people for their differences. They're no USSR, but they still get their kicks at other peoples expense, and they tend to do nothing useful.

Being popular is easy, just don't be smarter than anyone and don't be competition for their females, every moment of acceptance from these groups is a gift they can take away from you on a whim. I knew that the guys we made fun of would've been me if it hadn't have been them.

I turned into a gym rat because the gym cares more about how much effort you give, Im not up to math club standards yet, but it's hard to argue that they aren't the next step to take.