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I have come to this forum in search of someone who can relate to or understand me. I have never really known a person who understands me. Ever since I remember, I have known myself to be truly different than my peers. I am 22 years old...attending a university and a dedicated musician. I’m studying psychology, largely because of my search to understand my self and my peers. I recently took an abnormal psychology course..and when we went over Asperger’s Syndrome, it really hit home. For a while now I have just thought myself to have Social Anxiety Disorder, but I think this was just an underlying reaction to the pressure surrounding me. Ill give you an insight into my background.

From as long as I remember, I was always the one who was not afraid to be alone. I could amuse myself in countless ways. When I was younger, I would spend hours playing with bugs, climbing trees, building forts, etc.. But when I first entered preschool, I sat in a crawling tube in the playground for recess for the first week or so. I never really knew how to verbally relate to the other kids and became comfortable with that at a very early age. This continued throughout my school years. I never really got bullied..I was just always known as the shy kid..seemingly absent-minded but deep in thought.. I remember one time in elementary school when my older brother came up to me and asked why I would rather watch the other kids playing football then actually play it. I couldn’t really give him an answer..I was just trying to observe and understand. And it wasn't that I wasn’t athletic because later on I went on to be really good at hockey, skating, and soccer. Also, in high school a few of my teachers wandered why I would draw and write or just put my head on my desk whenever we had free time during class. I just didn’t really feel the drive to socialize as the other kids did.. I never really knew what was wrong with me. My family life was fairly normal I’d say..although I have known for a long time that my parents weren’t truly happy with each other..very distant and cold. But they knew how important it was to have a close family so we would often go on little family trips and stuff like that. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to grow up in a small town with a group of classmates that I knew for over 10 years. So, eventually, in the last years of highschool, I became really good friends with a small group who accepted me for who I am, and I became very comfortable with my self and my life...

...only to have my world turned upside down in the upcoming years. At the end of my senior year in high school, my parents got a divorce. It didn’t really hit that hard at first as I knew they weren’t happy with each other..but it has left ripples in all our lives that run deep. On top of that, I left for another town to go to college..pretty much out on my own (though a few of my old friends are in this town). So in a big city with all the new people surrounding me and knowing only a few..I really began to question myself. I’ve always known I was different..but in this new situation, my problems were staring me in the face. No longer did I have the comfort of a close group of peers. During the past few years, I have been very reluctant to meet new people..although I do try, I’m simply not good at it. Only once I get to know a person and understand how to relate to them, can I have a good conversation with them. In conversation with a group (especially those that I don’t know), I will almost certainly keep to myself. It’s like there are so many thoughts in my head but I can’t find the right one to relate to and speak out..sometimes it’s because I’m afraid they won’t understand me..other times it's because I'm thinking or looking for something else to do.. I really don't understand why people always feel the urge to talk to each other. When people are forced to talk, you can really see how binding this urge is. Small talk can become so pointless that I become frustrated with some conversations and will force an exit. I think that my face sometimes portrays negativism when I'm uncomfortable with a situation..and laughing all too often doesn’t come readily to me. This really bothers me as I am not at all a negative person..rather the opposite. I think it’s just that I’m in a world that makes me question myself and in-so-doing makes me seem negative. But, on the other hand I am dedicated to building my music skills and writing my own music..and I humbly add that some have called me gifted. But, I have been missing all my classes because I'm anxious the whole time and I don't really learn much. I learn better when I can read it myself. But when the professors take attendence every class, you can probably realize I'm failing miserably in school..even though I love what I am learning about. I spend countless hours reading..the only problem is it’s not the stuff that the instructor assigns. And I easily skip over half my classes because I get so anxious. So that brings me up to this point. As you can see, this has caused some problems in my life and I think the time has come to seek help. I have never talked to anybody about this..because I don’t want my friends and family to change their perception of me just because I'm an Aspee . I know with my limited knowledge in psychology that I could easily be wrong in diagnosing myself with Asperger’s..but it has really defined my life and I’d like to know some of your opinions. This is my first step in seeking professional help so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my story.

Last edited by Raegan on 03 Nov 2006, 5:21 pm, edited 9 times in total.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

That pretty much sounds a lot like what I experienced.

The first step is to go to your GP. Explain that you'd like himto refer you to a psycholgist or psyciatrist who specialises in Autistic spectrum Disorders. However, you'll probably have to pay for it. I'm in the UK and I got tested and diagnosed on the NHS, but I don't know what country you are in.

Good luck!

JulieArticuno

Welcome to WP! I hope you find enjoyment and insight here!

Your experiences sound an awful lot like my own, especially the parts about very loosely associating with the other kids at school, not wanting to talk very much, difficulties in small talking, and the new difficulties encountered when moving to a new environment with simultaneous loss of the friendship group.

I was wondering, have you been able to develop new friendships at the college you are at? When I moved cross-country (from West Coast to East), I lost contact with all of my previous friends, and was fairly miserable for a couple of years. It was only when I was able to develop a small friendship/acquaintance circle that somehow resembled a close-knit family, that I became a lot happier in this new environment.

Again, welcome and good luck to you!

Yeah I have developed a group of friends..mostly b/c I play in a band and live on a street with other college kids. But I'm still known as the person that keeps to himself..naturally quiet and observant. Sometimes there will be a party going on in the next room and I'm in my room reading or doing whatever.. I think my friends also think I'm a little mysterious as I will come and go as I please..especially when I am unsure if I can relate to them. Only when I actually commit to socializing can I be somewhat comfortable with the situation. This can be a huge stress on me at times but I know that I need to cope with my differences and try to interact with people as much as possible..


Also..I have been reading up on the Asperger's and, correct me if I am wrong, but it seems like the known criteria for it is... significant impairment in social interaction skills, limited interests and activities, and lack of emotional reciprocity.. The only thing that I don't really relate to is the limited interests and activities..as I have many different things I'm interested in and many hobbies. Is this something that most people with Asperger's experience (that being, limited interests)?

Thank you for your welcomes and advice.

I know what you mean, my acquaintances still think that I'm very shy and quiet, and they even complained yesterday that I tried to zone them out by putting on my headphones to listen to music. They are a lot more talkative than I am, most of the time I just focus on doing my work or browsing WP. But they accept that I do my own thing, and they know that if they need me for something, then they can always grab me. You might be a little mysterious, but if they're open-minded enough, they'll accept that of you too!




It depends. That's the general criteria, but not every person with AS presents symptoms to the same severity. Also, some people will have an interest that lasts their entire lifetimes; other people's interests might last a month, a week, something like that, so duration is kind of variable and probably not under the control of the person. For me personally, I've had a number of interests/obsessions over the years. For example in high school it was Indiana Jones and James Bond movies; as an undergrad in college it was Jello, the A-Team, Doctor Who and the paranormal. Currently it's swing dancing. These are all in addition to the interests that I've had for a long time, but have not been able to do very often (might be the reason why these interests lasted so long), such as skiing, caving, traveling, and hiking. I've seen a lot of things, and have had experience in a decent range of activities, so it's difficult to say that I have limited interests. I do get obsessed with certain activities and worse, certain people, but every time my obsessions change, I learn more and get better at understanding people.