I feel like I want to cry all the time...

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For every sin I've ever committed...

For every injustice I've ever caused to another person...

In a few weeks, I'll have to appear in court to pay a whopping fine for a misdemeanor I committed last December. Even though I can probably pay it in one lump sum and get that unpleasantness over...I'll still have to contend with facing the guilt of my actions. I've confined myself to my apartment, never to leave it unless it's to visit my old homestead (where I am tonight) or to go shopping for food with my family. I must suffer with this self-imposed punishment until April of 2013 (when this misdemeanor will be wiped from my record)...

...But I don't think I'm going to last that long. I know I prefer isolation most of the time, but even I feel lonely at times! But if I were to step outside, I might turn into a monster again. I'm just not fit for social interactions with people at ALL. I'm too messed up in the head to ever function in the real world.

I wish....I wish I could just go back in time and be 9 or 10 years old again...no adult responsibilities, no adult fears...just to be a kid again...I want it back.

My resolve is cracking...I don't think I can stand the isolation anymore...what shall I do? Please, any advice would be helpful and welcome. I'm at the end of my sanity rope...

Fluttershy11

Ouch, trouble with the law. But hey its just a misdemeanor. Heck one of my buddies at work is manager of the department I used to work in, and he's done jail time for traffic warrants. And at least it's going to be taken off your record eventually, so that's a plus. So honestly, unless house arrest (or apartment arrest) is part of your sentence, i see no reason to endure a self imposed exile. I guess I might be able to be a bit more help if I knew exactly what you did, but you're paying your debt to society, so I don't see any reason why you can't just take what knowledge you can from the experience and move on.

I think you might be beating yourself up a little too much. Everyone makes mistakes and i'd say.. misdemeanors in general aren't the irreversible ones.

The fine is the "repentance" in my opinion.

Your family wants you to be happy, you want to be happy.. was what you did really that horrible?

I wish I was still Usagi1992....this would make it easier...it doesn't sem right that a user with a name like Fluttershy would ever do something horrible....but for the sake of helping you understand me better, maybe I should explain....

...I saw a parent being a little too stern to her kid in a restaurant, and that really upset me. Whenever I see injustice like that, I feel like I have to become a self-appointed public avenger. So I....I went into the parking lot and I scratched up a couple of cars with one of my keys, hoping that one of them belonged to that parent. However, I was angrily called out on it by a bystander and the police were called, which I was actually relieved happened, for fear of getting beaten to a pulp. After the whole mess was cleared, I was served a summons to appear in court on Valentine's Day to face remuneration for my acts. The date of my finally having to pay the fine though will be in a few weeks.

So even though I'll have served my punishment in one way...I shall NEVER forgive myself for being so f***ing STUPID! There are varying degrees of hurt when it comes to crimes; I may not have caused physical harm, but my crime has hurt innocent people financially and psychologically. They didn't deserve it! If I could afford it, I'd gladly pay DOUBLE what damage I caused! I just simply want them to forgive me!

Anyways....that's the reason why I've sentenced myself to a year's exile in my apartment; for fear that I'll see another injustice and feel the urge to act out in an illegal, dangerous way. I'm just too goddamned fragile for this sinful earth. I don't ever want to associate with strangers in public anymore.

But the loneliness is beginning to finally get to me.

I can't do anything right....

I need help.

Shy11

Yes...it was. As Vincent Vega said from the movie "Pulp Fiction", what's more chickensh*t then f***ing with a man's automobile? You don't f*** with another man's vehicle, it's just against the rules.

The whole of my existence can be summed up in six words:

"Rich in knowledge, POOR IN SENSE"!

Yes, it was stupid, but you are over obsessing and over dramatizing it. You know you did wrong, you admitted it, and you are reimbursing the injured parties. You are also on the official "naughty" list for a year. Now calm down, and stop wallowing in it. Go and get a life.

In future though, remember, if you have a beef with someone you take it up with them, not with strangers. You should have gone to the parent and called her on what she was doing right at that time. If you were not prepared to do that or have a staffer there intercede, then you should not have done anything, because if you are not prepared to speak or act, then you don't get a vote in the issue.

Now let it go. Take your punishment and grow up

Criticism like this is only gonna make me hold onto it even longer. But it answer an earlier statement you made, no, I was not prepared to speak up in that situation because other people just complicate my life...either that or I'm a coward.

Oh and take some sensitivity classes, your attitude stinks.

Okay yeah, the whole "strike at random and hope i hit my target" strategy was pretty stupid. And I guess, you know, the whole vandalizing people's property. But hey, emotions take over now and again and logic tends to just hold on and hope for the best.

But as a previous poster suggested, there are ways to take action that are well within the law. Might I suggest next time you feel the urge to right a wrong, think of ways to indirectly solve problems. For example, the scenario you mentioned you were in a restaurant. Maybe say something like, "Jesus Christ lady! Leave the poor kid alone!" You draw everyone's attention to the lady and what she's doing is really that bad, then there's a whole lot of people on your side.

Although when it comes to children, remember most parents love their children, some might just be harsher in the discipline. I mean short of pimphanding their kid, I'm not sure what would make me come to a child's defense. But I wasn't there so maybe she was going overboard......and not gonna lie, I'm not fond of children. Anyway, good luck in you're future endeavors, and don't be too hard on yourself.

To Narfibald -

Yes, those suggestions probably would've been a better way to solve the problem then to just lash out at random. But as I've said before, I'm not the best when it comes to verbal communications with strangers. Other people just complicate my life, I don't like to get involved. And on second reflection, the mother really wasn't being that verbally abusive...I must've been having a bad night. But oh well, no use dwelling on hindsight. Best to take each new day one day at a time. I'm sure I can survive the year's worth of isolation, I just need to learn how to cheer myself up and distract myself from the loneliness.

Shy11

Why exactly do you have to spend a year in isolation?

Well, when I say isolation, I mean never leaving my apartment to walk to any shops or stores or restaurants within a 3-block radius. I mean, I can still visit my old homestead when I feel too lonely and I still do need to go shopping, but only with the help of a family member.

And I thought I made it clear as to the 'why' of the isolation; for fear that I might commit another misdemeanor again out of anger and ignorance.

Well I'm glad to see you seem to be feeling a little better Ms. Shy

And if you feel you need to isolate yourself for a little while, that's fine. I wouldn't recommend a year though, maybe a couple days. Its good to have time to reflect, its how we make ourselves better people and all. But if you fall of the horse, the best thing to do is get back on as soon as possible. Else this incident can go from learning experience to mental scar, and those are much harder to cope with.

Oh alright, sorry I was just having a hard time understanding that....but now I get what you mean, I sometimes avoid going out in public alone when I am feeling at my worst mentally.......because I'm worried about something setting me off and possibly losing control and doing something stupid. So yeah in that case it's not such a bad idea, I was just worried you where going to avoid even stepping outside or something for a year.

I'm glad to see that we're on the same page, Sweetleaf. ^_^

Fluttershy,

You obviously feel badly about what you did, and seem to understand very well what you did and why not to do it again. So you don't seem like bad people to me.

If the shame about what you did is part of what's made you choose to keep to yourself, you should be willing to admit this to yourself. Otherwise it has power over you, and it's unhealthy in the long term to let it hold onto you so.

Please, please don't let this sort of thing prevent you from taking each day in your own hands, that's just unnecessary.

I...I don't want the fear to rule over me, but I can't help myself. Every time I go outside, I fear that I'll become the 'monster' again. Heh....isolation isn't as bad as it sounds...I get to distract myself with little diversions on the internet and my video games. I also have a good sense of humor, which 90% of the time, keeps me from breaking down into a sobbing mess at how lonely I really am. I can still do my laundry from my apartment building and I can occasionally call out for delivery food....

And the night before I left to visit the old homestead, I even managed to get myself to go outside and sit on the back stoop of my apartment steps just to get some fresh air and enjoy the breeze. An extremely small step, but a step none-the-less.

The truth? I hate being cooped up. ALL human beings do. But I don't have much choice, do I? I'll never see myself as anything but an asocial monster...

Fluttershy11