Page 1 of 1 [ 8 posts ] 

Rai27
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2011
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 26
Location: Hertfordshire, England

28 Mar 2012, 5:18 pm

Okay, so there are two main friendship groups in my life. One is great, I've known them for a while, but then there's this one girl who keeps being mean to me (I keep thinking I'm lying whenever I talk about this but I know I'm not, has anyone else ever thought this?) and because I've been avoiding her and so everyone she hangs out with - the entire friendship group - it kind of feels awkward around them now and I can't be me like I used to. Going back to hang out with them is a no go.
Then there is the other friendship group. This is a group of really nice girls who know about my mean ex-friend mentioned above and who have said I'm welcome to hang out with them if I want to. However I don't really feel welcome there and I never get included, I just sit and listen to their talk. I have no idea how to behave around them, really, and I also know that while they're willing to let me sit with them, they'd be just as happy - probably happier - if I wasn't there. Recently I've started wandering around school on my own again like I used to before the second group of friends got involved and I was just trying to avoid my old friend. But I was doing that today and some people I don't know came up and asked if I was okay, and then one of the girls appeared and told me I could sit with them if I want. I had no idea what to do, should I go back or just wander around on my own and risk social situations like today with people who I don't know asking if I'm okay.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 153 out of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 40 out of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
AQ - 38
DREAMS>REALITY


jedaustin
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 310
Location: Apache Junction, Arizona

28 Mar 2012, 8:37 pm

Rai27 wrote:
Okay, so there are two main friendship groups in my life. One is great, I've known them for a while, but then there's this one girl who keeps being mean to me (I keep thinking I'm lying whenever I talk about this but I know I'm not, has anyone else ever thought this?) and because I've been avoiding her and so everyone she hangs out with - the entire friendship group - it kind of feels awkward around them now and I can't be me like I used to. Going back to hang out with them is a no go.
Then there is the other friendship group. This is a group of really nice girls who know about my mean ex-friend mentioned above and who have said I'm welcome to hang out with them if I want to. However I don't really feel welcome there and I never get included, I just sit and listen to their talk. I have no idea how to behave around them, really, and I also know that while they're willing to let me sit with them, they'd be just as happy - probably happier - if I wasn't there. Recently I've started wandering around school on my own again like I used to before the second group of friends got involved and I was just trying to avoid my old friend. But I was doing that today and some people I don't know came up and asked if I was okay, and then one of the girls appeared and told me I could sit with them if I want. I had no idea what to do, should I go back or just wander around on my own and risk social situations like today with people who I don't know asking if I'm okay.


Maybe I'm reading what you wrote wrong but it sounded like you're avoiding a group of people you like because you don't like one person in that group? If so I'd recommend facing up to the meanie because odds are they don't like her either. If she's mean to you she's mean to other people too. If someone is inviting you to hang out with them (unless they're just doing it to mock you or something) then they're trying to make you feel welcome; they might not be including you because they don't understand the signals you're sending out. They may just need to get to know you. It sounds like you might be making yourself miserable trying to please other people - try being yourself instead if that's the case and pay attention to who accepts you anyway. The key is to be around people that accept you as you are because constantly having to filter yourself is an exhausting exercise.



Rai27
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2011
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 26
Location: Hertfordshire, England

29 Mar 2012, 1:21 am

Maybe I should explain this a little more. I have already tried to explain to the mean girl how I feel about what she's saying but she just tells me I'm pathetic and I cant take a joke. I know she's mean to the others too but they can take it - she's not actually trying to be mean, it's just a joke. I'd never ask her to stop hanging around the others though because I know they like her and she likes them, but I've put up with this girl fir two years now and I can't any more.
Thanks for the advice about the others. I guess they do need to get to know me a bit more but it just seems like they're not making an effort to do so. I don't really feel welcome around them even though they always say I am welcome.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 153 out of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 40 out of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
AQ - 38
DREAMS>REALITY


BMctav
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jan 2012
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 145

29 Mar 2012, 3:58 am

Rai27 wrote:
I have already tried to explain to the mean girl how I feel about what she's saying but she just tells me I'm pathetic and I cant take a joke.
I don't really feel welcome around them even though they always say I am welcome.


Good for you for trying to talk the mean girl about it. Her reaction is horrid and really demonstrates the quality of her character. I hope you haven't taken her comments to heart as she sounds like a real bad egg.

Perhaps as you spend more time with the other group you will start to feel more comfortable and more welcome. I hope so.

Good luck.

:D



namaste
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,365
Location: Hindustan

29 Mar 2012, 5:24 am

i have never been able to fit into any group or anything
always alone and comfortable with one friend


_________________
The only thing right in this wrong world is
WRONG PLANET


jedaustin
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 310
Location: Apache Junction, Arizona

29 Mar 2012, 8:13 am

Rai27 wrote:
Maybe I should explain this a little more. I have already tried to explain to the mean girl how I feel about what she's saying but she just tells me I'm pathetic and I cant take a joke. I know she's mean to the others too but they can take it - she's not actually trying to be mean, it's just a joke. I'd never ask her to stop hanging around the others though because I know they like her and she likes them, but I've put up with this girl fir two years now and I can't any more.
Thanks for the advice about the others. I guess they do need to get to know me a bit more but it just seems like they're not making an effort to do so. I don't really feel welcome around them even though they always say I am welcome.


I had that happen to me too but there was no second choice in my case. I'm not saying that this is the best way of dealing with those kinds of people (it violates my be nice to people rule) but it worked for me. I got mad and turned it around on them.
I said "Ok.. ok.. you were joking! That's really funny? Let me try it then... Your face looks like a dogs rear end! hahaha hahaha (I didn't use those nicer words... other people laughed too)" Other times I just laughed with them and kept laughing after they stopped mockingly. They stopped picking on me because I wasn't the easy target. It didn't always work.. In a few cases I got in a fight too (they were a tad bit sensitive!) - but again they stopped picking on me because I wasn't the easy target.



Rai27
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2011
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 26
Location: Hertfordshire, England

29 Mar 2012, 10:21 am

Thanks for the advice guys!
Turning it around on her and being mean back is something I've actually already tried but I can never think of something to say to her. She's always able to out-insult me whenever I do try insulting her back though.
I guess I should just spend some more time with the other group, although they seemed to be blocking me out today, and I never have enough courage to go up and sit with them without being invited anyway (this is just insecurities on my part, and I know I should just swallow the fear and do it, but it's never really that easy). Maybe in the long run I'll be more included by them. I think they are having a few problems of their own at the moment (if I got that annoyed at my friends for what her friends did to her I wouldn't have any friends left! Basically it's her birthday tomorrow and nobody could go to her party but they didn't tell her, but I never seem to get told anything anyway) and there's one of them who hasn't been in school for a while who tends to include me a bit more, so maybe it'll be better when she gets back.
namaste, if you're not comfortable in a big group then that's just who you are - you just need one friend who you're comfortable with and who accepts that you don't want to be in a group.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 153 out of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 40 out of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
AQ - 38
DREAMS>REALITY


jedaustin
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 310
Location: Apache Junction, Arizona

29 Mar 2012, 10:30 am

Rai27 wrote:
Thanks for the advice guys!
Turning it around on her and being mean back is something I've actually already tried but I can never think of something to say to her. She's always able to out-insult me whenever I do try insulting her back though.

I had that problem too.. then I made fun of their need to make fun of others especially if it was someone that was obviously at a disadvantage; I'd add 'I'm just joking' at the end to drive home the point.
When I couldn't defend myself (too emotionally involved) I'd make fun of them when they were making fun of others (just saying what they just said in a mocking voice seemed to work and adding you're so cool. I actually ended up being friends with all of the bully's victims and in a lot of cases stood up for them. It might work differently for girls though.

Rai27 wrote:
I guess I should just spend some more time with the other group, although they seemed to be blocking me out today, and I never have enough courage to go up and sit with them without being invited anyway (this is just insecurities on my part, and I know I should just swallow the fear and do it, but it's never really that easy). Maybe in the long run I'll be more included by them. I think they are having a few problems of their own at the moment (if I got that annoyed at my friends for what her friends did to her I wouldn't have any friends left! Basically it's her birthday tomorrow and nobody could go to her party but they didn't tell her, but I never seem to get told anything anyway) and there's one of them who hasn't been in school for a while who tends to include me a bit more, so maybe it'll be better when she gets back.
namaste, if you're not comfortable in a big group then that's just who you are - you just need one friend who you're comfortable with and who accepts that you don't want to be in a group.

It sucks being socially awkward but pay attention to the people that don't judge you; they're the ones you should be friends with.. not the popular, shallow, 'pretty people'.