Help please with aspie breakup

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I would really appreciate your help. I am an NT who has been in a relationship with an aspie guy for nearly two years. We love each other very much. He is gentle, kind and caring but I am regularly upset by his egocentism. I can live with the other characteristics but this one makes me feel unvalued and unwanted. I know he can't help it but I'm afraid I'll end up with very low self esteem. I sent him an email today, explaining my concerns, named ASD as the culprit for the first time and asked for his help in making a mutually considerate relationship. I also said I don't know if it would ever work out. Outwardly he might be doing what pleases me but would that just be a sham? I'm torn between continuing as before because I love him deeply, and ending it because the ongoing problems will be painful for both of us. We've been discussing it over the last few days and he's going to respond when he's feeling up to it. What do you think I should do? At this stage I've left it in his hands. All suggestions gratefully accepted.

Could you be more specific regarding his egocentrism? What you might see as selfishness or arrogance may be, in his mind, simply learned behavior or unfamiliarity with certain social axioms.

I agree with sacrip. Egocentrism isn't really a characteristic of Asperger's Syndrome, but many times we are mistaken for having it due to our lack of social skills.


Also, this:

Why would he do what pleases you if he didn't care about you? If I don't care about someone, I don't even make the effort.

Some examples: He will offer to drive me to the airport but then complain about how early he has to get up, how much traffic there will be, and only stays just long enough to see me inside so he won't have to pay more than $2 for parking. His preferred location and activities on holidays are more important than the fact that we are spending it together. He recently decided not to go away with me for the weekend because he's already spent enough time there, even though it meant I would be going on my own. On one occcasion we were on a beautiful island and I suggested we go for a walk on the beach. He agreed but walked slightly ahead, on his own and I felt it wouldn't have mattered if I wasn't there at all. If I say I am disappointed about something and say what I'd like instead he does make an effort to change it, but I can't help feeling hurt or disappointed when things like this happen. I know he thinks differently to me and doesn't intend to hurt me. He doesn't realise that some things he says and does seem hurtful and incosiderate to me. I just don't know if I can be in an intimate relationship with him and keep bouncing back after all the little hurts. Do you have any suggestions for how I could cope better?

You have to understand that we grow up very much in our own heads, not thinking of others naturally. It comes across as selfish but really it's just a symptom of years of isolation plus a narrow focus on one particular thing at a time without seeing the big picture. I strongly suspect hurting you is the LAST thing he wants to, but he easily lapses back into his usual way of thinking. You do need to remind him that you are there and have feelings of your own, but do it in a non-guilt way. Like on the beach, you could say with a smile, "Hey, don't leave me back here, I miss you." Or with the weekend trip thing, something like "I know you were already there, but I really would like to see it for myself, and I want you there with me. It'll be fun."

You sound so much like me in the beginning of my relationship with my husband
Especially the walking along the beach bit. I remember I asked my husband to walk on the beach once. We walked to the beach, then he stopped, stood there and said "now what?" hahah.. it hurt at the time but now I look back and think how little I knew him and how cute it kind of was.

One thing to keep in mind is travelling can be very stressful for an aspie. They are usually set to routines and travel throws everything off for them. The reason your guy is so focused on the location and itinerary is probably because that way he feels more in control of the situation, it's a dealing mechanism.

The way I deal with all the hurt is by researching his brain every way I can. It makes you realize how much of what he does is completely unintentional and he really can't be blamed. Even knowing that I still feel hurt a lot and sometimes the hurt accumulates and I fall apart into an emotional meltdown of some sort every second month or so. But at least I'm aware of what's happening, so I continue to work on it.
So I know how you feel. After lots of trial and error I found that the best way to approach it is to try and not feel hurt in the first place... yea way easier said than done I know..

Thanks guys - t's been really good to get your perspectives on this.