Do you ever feel people single you out?

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Joe90
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08 Apr 2012, 11:12 am

I think people feel that they can delibrately be rude to me, and somebody told me it's because I look young for my age from the way I have my hair. So I changed my hairstyle into a more grown-up hairstyle and I don't think I look like a schoolkid any more. But before, I felt that when I looked way younger than what I am, people were being so rude to me and were singling me out.

For example, a few months ago on a rainy Saturday afternoon I was waiting in the bus station for the bus to take me home. I was sitting on a seat in one of the stands, with a few other people who weren't old but weren't as young as me. And this woman shouted across the bus stand to me, ''can you let this lady sit down?'' The way she said it wasn't very nice, and made me feel very patronized and also embarrassed because I felt like I was being pulled up in front of everyone. They all looked at me as I gave in and got up, and I didn't want to stand inside the stand with them, so I walked outside the stand and waited in the rain. I couldn't exactly say no or anything because I'd then be causing a scene and I can't be bothered with all that anyway. The old lady who wanted to sit down wasn't anywhere in sight, so if she had walked into the stand, I would have seen that she looked a bit frail and so gave up my seat for her, but I don't like other people telling me what to do. And I thought, is it because I looked like a kid and people think they can talk how they like to kids?

I definately felt that I was just being singled out, but since I got my hair changed I know I look more around my age, and I haven't had so much impoliteness from people lately, but still, I still hate being singled out.


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AldousH
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08 Apr 2012, 12:02 pm

Hope this doesn't come out to blunt or anything but I'd say it's not because you look young, but rather because you (possibly) look "weak" to NTs.
Most NTs follow an instinctive dominance structure, much like monkeys or dogs, where each individual tries to establish its position by showing power over those they perceive as weaker. Interesting to note, very few NTs actually do the logical, brave, thing of defending against the ones who established a superior position, but rather they pick on the ones that don't require a great energy output on their part i.e. - the "weaker" ones.
Changing your hairstyle was a good call! NTs, like other species of primates, use visuals to unconsciously judge those around them.
You shouldn't of given your seat. From my own experience, older NTs are far from worthy of any such consideration. They are some of the meanest, stupidest (just think what the access to knowledge was before the internet!) yet highly judgmental people out there. That annoying voice should of given its seat.



namaste
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08 Apr 2012, 12:06 pm

AldousH wrote:
Hope this doesn't come out to blunt or anything but I'd say it's not because you look young, but rather because you (possibly) look "weak" to NTs.
Most NTs follow an instinctive dominance structure, much like monkeys or dogs, where each individual tries to establish its position by showing power over those they perceive as weaker. Interesting to note, very few NTs actually do the logical, brave, thing of defending against the ones who established a superior position, but rather they pick on the ones that don't require a great energy output on their part i.e. - the "weaker" ones.
Changing your hairstyle was a good call! NTs, like other species of primates, use visuals to unconsciously judge those around them.
You shouldn't of given your seat. From my own experience, older NTs are far from worthy of any such consideration. They are some of the meanest, stupidest (just think what the access to knowledge was before the internet!) yet highly judgmental people out there. That annoying voice should of given its seat.

:wtg:


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questor
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08 Apr 2012, 4:14 pm

Yes, I was singled out by the other kids all through my childhood and teens. I would not want to relive my past. Bad enough my brain's built in audio video player runs reruns sometimes. :( Things got better once I was an adult. Stuff still happened, but not any where near as much.


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Aspertastic424
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10 Apr 2012, 12:40 am

Look, I wouldnt read too much into it.

Maybe you were daydreaming or just thinking about something else, and did not notice the lady wanted to take a seat, and was near you. People who just look at you probably dont think your that wierd. The bus driver is probably crabby to a lot of people. Also, have you considerd asking NT friends or family about your social hang ups? I mean this is a great support group, but as socially challenged ourselves, we may not have the best perspective on thigns like these



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10 Apr 2012, 7:00 am

Just to let you people know, there are plenty of rude aspies and nice NT's.

This whole NT-to-aspie thing doesn't make the slightest sense at all.

Judge the person by their character, not by their (lack of) social handicap.



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10 Apr 2012, 8:25 am

AldousH wrote:
Hope this doesn't come out to blunt or anything but I'd say it's not because you look young, but rather because you (possibly) look "weak" to NTs.
Most NTs follow an instinctive dominance structure, much like monkeys or dogs, where each individual tries to establish its position by showing power over those they perceive as weaker. Interesting to note, very few NTs actually do the logical, brave, thing of defending against the ones who established a superior position, but rather they pick on the ones that don't require a great energy output on their part i.e. - the "weaker" ones.
Changing your hairstyle was a good call! NTs, like other species of primates, use visuals to unconsciously judge those around them.
You shouldn't of given your seat. From my own experience, older NTs are far from worthy of any such consideration. They are some of the meanest, stupidest (just think what the access to knowledge was before the internet!) yet highly judgmental people out there. That annoying voice should of given its seat.


Wow! That was so condescending, but so systemizing, so aspie... and I so totally agree with it! :) I probably wouldn't have given up my seat in this case, but I can see how it might have been the easier thing to do - the lesser of two problems.

In general, even though I also dislike old people on the whole (for the reasons above) I don't mind offering my seat to them if they at least look like they might accept it graciously. I'm more concerned that they might decline or even be offended that I consider them "old", so if I know the train is going to be packed I just tend to remain standing even if there are still seats when I get on, thus avoiding the whole problem.



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18 Apr 2012, 10:20 am

Some people think it's okay to talk to others as though they are the parent. You can take it or not take it by addressing it directly, you can let it get to you or you can fluff it off.

It's okay to tell someone, "You know, you sound a bit like my mother the way you are talking to me," and then turn around to the lady looking for a seat and politely say, "Ma'am, I would be happy to relinquish my seat to you if you would like. I do apologize if I wasn't paying attention to your needs," and then stand there proud of yourself for addressing both issues in a positive manner - standing up for yourself against someone that thinks it's okay to verbally attack you, and yet still doing the right thing ultimately.

Or you can respond the way you did, possibly giving an angry look to the requester, still giving up your seat, and then going and standing out in the rain pouting.

I know both of these mindsets intimately. I was a pouter like crazy, and I allowed myself to feel like a martyr. It took me actually going to self-defense class to start cultivating a different mindset, which I'm still defaulting to the pout every so often, and I don't like that. It may take me a while, but I plan on continuing class and gaining self-confidence until I can respond in the moment to situations the way I imagine that I would prefer to respond.



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18 Apr 2012, 11:04 am

NicoleG wrote:
It may take me a while, but I plan on continuing class and gaining self-confidence until I can respond in the moment to situations the way I imagine that I would prefer to respond.


Sounds good. I should do something like that. Thanks for putting the idea on my radar.



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15 Apr 2020, 5:53 pm

namaste wrote:
AldousH wrote:
Hope this doesn't come out to blunt or anything but I'd say it's not because you look young, but rather because you (possibly) look "weak" to NTs.
Most NTs follow an instinctive dominance structure, much like monkeys or dogs, where each individual tries to establish its position by showing power over those they perceive as weaker. Interesting to note, very few NTs actually do the logical, brave, thing of defending against the ones who established a superior position, but rather they pick on the ones that don't require a great energy output on their part i.e. - the "weaker" ones.
Changing your hairstyle was a good call! NTs, like other species of primates, use visuals to unconsciously judge those around them.
You shouldn't of given your seat. From my own experience, older NTs are far from worthy of any such consideration. They are some of the meanest, stupidest (just think what the access to knowledge was before the internet!) yet highly judgmental people out there. That annoying voice should of given its seat.

:wtg:


I hope OP took your words to heart because it holds true for many people, at least the bullying variety (unless they consciously try to subdue it
or perhaps were abused/bullied themselves/witnessed it happening to a loved one,

in such a way that to do that to another person is repugnant to them instinctively)


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Joe90
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16 Apr 2020, 7:27 am

(OP here). Who bumped this old thread? I'd forgotten about this situation until I saw it here. I don't wish to be reminded.


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Summer_Twilight
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16 Apr 2020, 7:48 am

Joe90 wrote:
I think people feel that they can delibrately be rude to me, and somebody told me it's because I look young for my age from the way I have my hair. So I changed my hairstyle into a more grown-up hairstyle and I don't think I look like a schoolkid any more. But before, I felt that when I looked way younger than what I am, people were being so rude to me and were singling me out.

For example, a few months ago on a rainy Saturday afternoon I was waiting in the bus station for the bus to take me home. I was sitting on a seat in one of the stands, with a few other people who weren't old but weren't as young as me. And this woman shouted across the bus stand to me, ''can you let this lady sit down?'' The way she said it wasn't very nice, and made me feel very patronized and also embarrassed because I felt like I was being pulled up in front of everyone. They all looked at me as I gave in and got up, and I didn't want to stand inside the stand with them, so I walked outside the stand and waited in the rain. I couldn't exactly say no or anything because I'd then be causing a scene and I can't be bothered with all that anyway. The old lady who wanted to sit down wasn't anywhere in sight, so if she had walked into the stand, I would have seen that she looked a bit frail and so gave up my seat for her, but I don't like other people telling me what to do. And I thought, is it because I looked like a kid and people think they can talk about how they like to kids?

I definitely felt that I was just being singled out, but since I got my hair changed I know I look more around my age, and I haven't had so much impoliteness from people lately, but still, I still hate being singled out.


I don't think you were singled out at that time, rather, it sounds like you dealt with an unwritten social rule which implies that the younger generation should respect the elders. It's actually a given that when an elderly person needs to sit down, you get up. Now regarding the woman who yelled at you, it sounds like she made a good point but wasn't the most friendly about it. However, there are people who have pet peeves and maybe this was hers.

As for you being singled out, I often feel that way too but again, the reason we are singled out is because of those unwritten rules and boundaries that we fail to read. In your case, wearing your hair in a certain way and dressing as such.

However, when people do pick on you, have you considered learning how to be more assertive?

For instance, if someone talks down to you, tell them " I have a policy about people talking to me with respect."

"Just because I seem weird to you does not give you the right to talk to me like that/treat me this way."



Joe90
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16 Apr 2020, 11:15 am

I didn't see the elderly lady, as she wasn't standing in sight, she was standing outside of the bus shelter where I (or anyone else in the bus shelter) couldn't see. If she was in sight, I would have automatically let her have my seat. But the woman who told me to get up (she just came out of nowhere) looked like she was irritated with me. It wasn't what she said, it was the way she said it. I felt like an 8-year-old being yelled at by the teacher to leave the classroom for talking or something.

But this did happen 8 years ago and I wish people would stop dragging up old threads.


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blooiejagwa
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16 Apr 2020, 11:56 am

it was me. i didn't look at the date, it showed up in 'similar topics' which i assume are recent (guess i'm wrong)
you don't need to look at it, or reply, can even ask a mod to close it if you feel compelled to check.


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Joe90
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16 Apr 2020, 12:00 pm

blooiejagwa wrote:
it was me. i didn't look at the date, it showed up in 'similar topics' which i assume are recent (guess i'm wrong)
you don't need to look at it, or reply, can even ask a mod to close it if you feel compelled to check.


No it's OK. Yes the similar topics section is the cause of old threads being unintentionally bumped, I don't know why we still have that feature to be honest.

But I want to know what people say about my previous post here, as I didn't mention in my OP that I did not see the elderly lady so wasn't to know there was someone who needed a seat.


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blooiejagwa
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16 Apr 2020, 12:02 pm

there should be an automatic feature that locks threads once they are a couple of years old


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