How do an aspie mom stimulate a toddler?

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Hi,

This is my very first message and I hope it's in the right forum.

It's about being an aspie mom. I know there's a forum for parents of aspie kids, but I don't know if its also my case, yet.

I always felt different, but never really looked for medical help. For my parents, I was only a shy kid. At age 12 I started with the idea that I should "mimic" accepted social behavioral patterns. It was more than trying to be cool, it was trying to be normal.

Today, I'm 34. Happily married, mom of a wonderful 3-year-old. Love my life, although I don't really have any friends.
Everything was fine, until my son's school called me. They had been observing my son for almost a year and, finally, they could say that they think I should look for an audiologist, since my boy isn't talking not even 10% of his peers speech. He is clever and actually likes to play with the other kids, but the communication issue is starting to affect his self-assurance. And it can get worse.

I'll open a new topic in the other forum to talk about my boy. Right now, I need to share my guilt and try to find a direction.

Researching the web on the "late talkers" issue, I ended at the AQ Test by Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen. I just did it, and I scored 38.
I shouldn't, but I did it twice. I scored 32. Later, I found out that these scores are not even common for females.
I'll certainly look for a diagnosis, but what if I'm really an aspie, how can that affect my kid development?

The audiologist who started working with him, already raised the question of how do I stimulate his communication skills.
As you may imagine, I'm terrible at communicating orally. I'm a person of a few words, and I hate noise.

How I wish I could post this question here three years ago:
I would love to know how an aspie mom can overcome her own difficulties to stimulate all the skills of her child.

Any aspie parent could help me?

Thank you very much,
Claudia

I'm an Aspie mom and grandmother. I was "quiet" until I had my children. I too hate noise. I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by saying that you're terrible at communicating orally. Maybe you'll like me in that I'm terrible at communicating orally with anyone who is not my immediate family member. I communicate well with people outside of my household ONLY through writing.

Your question,

may require an answer the length of a book.

For starters, I think it would be safe for me to say that motivation, sufficient time, and confidence are the keys to overcoming difficulties. It sounds like you're anxious to get your son communication skills as soon as possible. Words like "school" and "normal" are tension producers. Add to that, getting a phone call without knowing what was coming ahead of time seems like it's putting you into a situation where "experts" are going to have golden opportunities for making money. Be especially cautious if you hear talk about giving prescription meds to your son.

I've raised an Aspie son (he's now 23) and a neurotypical daughter (she's now 29). I have an Aspie grandson (age 6), neurotypical granddaughter (age 4), and (so far) an apparently NT 2-yr-old grandson. My dad was an Aspie and my mom was NT. My husband is a NT. That mix has taught me quite a few things most other people have no clue about. That's why one college professor teaching his Ph.D. graduates wanted my daughter's input on what it's like being raised by an Aspie mom.

If you read what she wrote about her experience, maybe it may provide you with some confidence? You're going to need to plan a direction, but before you do, guilt is not going to help you to gain self-assurance. Don't ever forget you are your son's mother. You are the one who should have the last say about everything in regard to your son's care. Ask all who get involved with your son lots of questions AND do as much research as you can on both sides of any issue. My mother made my deaf NT sister's life hell because of being brainwashed by experts. Now my deaf sister has deaf grandchildren who will never have to endure the crap she went through because she knows what's best since she is like them.

If you have to, can you backtrack and keep your son out of school until he gets a little older? It would be a lot better for him if you could have him in an environment that you have more control over. My daughter takes her kids to homeschool group meetings so they can play in ways they're comfortable at their pace. It works well for them.

Thank you so much!

You make no idea how happy I was knowing that you have such a big and mixed family - and that you are so cool about being an aspie mom and grandma. My husband is also a NT, as my father. I suspect that my mother and her father are the aspie branch in my case.

Well, until I research more on Asperger's, guilt is a silent issue I'll have to handle. But I will. And, yes, as you pointed, I'm the mother - I'm the one who should model everything, including self-assurance.

I don't agree 100% with the audiologist, I really don't think she understands my son's personality, yet (she didn't have time to catch all the details of my son's interests and ways of thinking). But, I must say, she had some interesting insights on his case. I'll give her a chance, watching closely.

I read what your daughter wrote and I was really impressed. Many of her thoughts really made my world clearer.
You know, the late speech is not a new issue for my kid and the pediatricians always advised me to "interact more" with him. But, well, since he was born I quit my job to be 100% with him and, now, it is difficult to wonder if my ways of interaction were not enough for him at all. Sometimes I think that if he was, since an infant, spending his days in a trusted nursery/school that he could be way more developed right now, talking and interacting a lot. That's the source of my guilt.

Now, moving ahead, I see that an "aspie education" has its pros and I'll research to enhance these and also to overcome the cons.
If you have any indication of literature, please, share with me.

Once again, thank you so much.

Well, I'm not any expert and didn't think much about it. I run to the other end of the spectrum-- hyperverbal-- provided I'm comfortable, I never shut up. But I'm a 34-year-old Aspie raising a pack of kids (Daughter 10, son 4, daughter 2, daughter due in a month).

How do you stimulate them??

You talk to them. About anything-- stupid things. About washing dishes, folding clothes, buying groceries, sweeping floors. For once in your life, there's someone who isn't going to judge you or mock you for what you say (at least, until they hit adolescence). He doesn't care if you're "normal" or not. You're MOMMY. You're WONDERFUL. You're practically GOD.

Can't come up with anything to say?? Sing to him-- or simply sing in his presence. Read to them. Keep a book of stupid poems and recite to them.

I'm sure the audiologist will have lots of better suggestions. Just-- do me a favor. Share what you know and what you suspect, but do it very, very carefully. There is a lot of stigma, a lot of judgment. People get really f*****g reactionary on the subject of autism spectrum disorders, and what they don't know can HURT you.

Don't tell yourself that your son's development is your fault, and don't let anyone else blame you either. Don't sit there and kick yourself. If you gave him anything to cause a language delay, it was probably genes.

Yeah, he might have learned to talk in a good daycare. He might also have learned a lot of really terrible things. Like what I learned in a good preschool-- from the time I could walk, I was taught that I was weird, weird was bad, and I was therefore a lesser human being. My self-esteem was completely destroyed by the time I went to kindergarten, thanks to a good daycare.

He might have been already labeled-- and already screwed.

Don't let anyone tell you that having an ASD means you cannot possibly be a competent parent. Some ignorant as*hole will probably try. If they do, LEAVE. Grab your pride, your kid, and your keys, and walk out the door. DO NOT LOOK BACK. They're not only ignorant-- they're dangerous, to you and your son.

Be extremely cautious of anyone touting the blessings of medication. You can read my horror stories about risperidone elsewhere on the boards. If you or your son are not depressed, violent, or so easily overstimulated that you cannot cope with the basic functions of life, you probably don't need it. Look at ANY drug with a very cynical eye.

There's lots of good books in the books forum.

Again, invaluable help. Thank you.

That's the problem with labels. Because I grew up listening by friends that I was a "funny" talker ("what are you talking about?") or distant ("hey, wake up!"), I developed almost a fear of talking. Today, I try to understand why I went to so many audiologists when I was a kid but never really ended any treatment. Perhaps my mom tried to protect me, or the both of us (she is clearly an AS).

Yes, now I try to talk all the time with my son. It's exhausting, sometimes funny ("no mom, not [a] plane, [a] helicopter"), but HE is vocalizing non-stop, and, yes, learning a word per day. He still needs to develop grammar use, but at least we're moving somewhere.

Some "professional" suggestions are particularly difficult, as "playing pretending games with him". Difficult to me, not that interesting for him, I think. But I try. "Getting involved with other moms" are just way beyond my skills, and in that case I really do have to pretend interest, since I'm terrible at chatting about trivia (I have met wonderful moms, I just don't really like to meet often and talk about general stuff). But I see how efforts like these are important to him.
He loves to meet his little friends at the park or to go to an ice cream shop after school with some friends and moms. He is so happy about those interactions! He may not say many words, but he says every friend name!

Maybe I'll "develop" myself through this journey.
One thing for sure: I'll keep this AS thing with me. One day, I may talk about this with my mom, because, with her, I'll talk about this with joy. Finding out about AS was like being able to see myself in a mirror that has always been blurry.

Again, thank you. I had no idea how supportive these answers could be to me.

Sounds like you're doing GREAT. You may have a long, hard battle ahead with a lot of dipshits who think "normal" (whatever the f**k that is) is the be-all and end-all...

...but I guess if life was easy it would be boring.

I want to emphasis that BuyerBeware & faithfilly gave great advice.
Please, be cautious of the 'authorities', as they said. I too have an incredibly difficult time communicating and socializing. This does not mesh with schools & doctors, etc. Listen to your feelings about things, and to your son when he does communicate with you, either verbally or otherwise.
Anyway, my son did not talk at all until he was three +, then went into speech disabilities, which continue to this day.
My solution to the stimulation recommendation was to take him for walks in a quiet place, and at home to read to him. On walks I would let him stop and look at whatever he wanted to explore, within reason. (We went to a safe park with a little stream, etc.)
We have done this for many years now, with some books & series given several 'go-rounds'. Our many bookshelves and boxes are full. I do not know how much it helped his speech, but his vocabulary, at 11, is at high school level. His imagination and his ability to grasp new concepts is good and he has active curiosity about many different subjects. I think the reading helped him, our bond, & my guilt went down too.
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best wishes