how did I lost my best friend/ dream girl. (quite lenghty)

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I never have any relationship, and before uni I didn't even have any female friends to speak of. This mean that when I met this girl last year, I was completely unequipped.

She was my classmate in the Visual Arts Degree. Unlike all other, she did not know many peoples around the college. Perhaps because I was in the same studio room with her, or because I once helped her on research, we befriended with each other. We are similarly shy, history-loving, and socially awkward. Back then, we were just good friends. I didn't have feeling for her because I knew she has a boyfriend.

This changed in December.

I returned to my native Hong Kong when she began to intensively facebook-chat with me. She told me more of herself: her own depression, problematic family, her attempts on self-harms, while I told her about my Asperger personality and past attempts to suicide. I think that was when I began to crush on her: not because of her appearance, but because of a kind of empathy, a kind of sameness even though we are from different national background. But again I buried it deep, as she told me that she was dating a childhood-friend after the previous relationship ended that month.

In February I returned to Sydney for my third year. We chatted on phone and FB almost everyday, with nearly all conversations started by her. She talked about her new boyfriend, how distress she was when he sent no messages to her, the dates, her exs. We ranted to each other when we got depressed, and that mean more than a lot to me.

I NEVER have a friend sharing so much about herself to me. During my highschooling in Hong Kong I was struggling to protect myself from bullying and isolation. There were never a lot of friends, not to mention close friends. Despite of her new relationship, in my mind she began to elevate into a very high position.

Then one day she called me in sobbing voice. She was dumped.

Never before had a girl cried on me. After trying to console her (which was my first time, Christ) there were two days of complete communication blackout. Perhaps I somehow annoyed her? During this period my attachment gradually developed into obsession. I kept stalk on her Facebook and past chat log (which amount to 7000+) until chat finally resumed. Turn out that she was just having some internet issues.

But finally it all went wrong on 20 April.

She used to be a supporter of the Kony 2012 movement, which called for a massive event on 20th April. While I was objected to the whole thing I asked her to come out. She was busy that day, and I made some mistakes on that conversation, but strangely she actually TOLD ME I should not say those thing when dating with a girl, totally out of the blue. I was surprised, cos I thought she did not know my true feeling. She ended the chat early that day.

Finally in April 20 she texted with me again as I was catching the bus to the event. And it was when she unintentionally delivered the blow.

She told me how she took the virginity of her previous guy.

I was TOTALLY shocked by this revelation. On the one hand, when I said she was evaluated onto a very high position, what I mean is that I perceive her as a pure, innocent girl. By saying 'innocent' I do not necessarily mean virginity, but at least 'do not talk of this in such a causal manner'. Yes, I am being naive. I was just unable to take it. On the other hand, I know where is me in her heart - just a good friend, because I don't believe anyone would talk about past sex life to a potential love interest. After a few disillusioned text which confused her, I told her to cease texting me for the time being. I closed my phone.

I wandered alone on the Sydney Martin Place. Mourning ANZAC band marching pass. She kept texted me for three hours, each more frustrate than the last. Finally she told me that if I don't reply she would delete me from her contact list.

Then I texted her a long message of confession. I told her everything

Originally I didn't expect her to respond, but after a while she sent me two long texts. She said that she was not what I imagine her to be, that she was sorry if she had led me on, that she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. Finally I came to know that last year when she was still with her second-ex, she was crushed on me, but it is all too late now.

It is all too late now

Maybe she just want to maintain a semblance of normality? for two days afterward she still chatted with me before a long silence until today, when her relationship status changed to a guy I don't know.

It's all over.

In the text she said: "I know deep down that I am not the girl who can make you happy". I want to laugh, because I always thought it is the other way around. But it didn't matter now. In my dreams I saw her with me in my village house in Hong Kong, where I introduced her to my family. I began to identify myself with the "Yellow Man" in the 1919 silent film Broken Blossom, who seek love in a foreign land and end in tragedy. She is the only female that's so similar to me. I doubt if I would find anyone like her after this...

Last edited by moknin on 07 May 2012, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

That's such a sad story!

And even though I know it probably won't help much right now, as it is completely natural for you to be grieving right now...but don't despair, you will find someone else one day.

Early love, or first love, is often incredibly impacting, but it's really just a training ground for your future. You can look at what you think you might have done wrong, and learn from any mistakes.

But overall, the fact that you fell for her so hard shows that you have the emotional sensitivity and capacity for love that will lead you to a happy relationship in the future. Remember, that the feelings you had for her came from you. That means that they will awaken again when the time is right. First love is often a very hard run into reality, but it is important to understand the reality of love so you don't waste your life pursuing an illusive, unrealistic ideal.

If you focus on healing yourself and working through any "mistakes" you may have made, and you also learn more about love and dating tendencies and techniques, I have no doubt that this experience will be a precursor to a happy love life in the future. Dating and love aren't easy for anyone at first, but the cool thing is that most people are looking for it, so the chances that your "Ms. Right" is looking for you are very high.

Love is hard for everyone... and in my opinion it seems that as one door closes, another appears.
To my perspective it seems you was only a friend anyway or a shoulder to cry on... sorry to say this btw.
In time, you can become strong and in all honesty will find the right compatible female.

No you are right, and I was aware of that early on. She actually told me that due to her depression she needs constant distractions, and I am "the most comfortable guy in the uni who always listen and did not judge her".

It's just I was happy to do so as long as she was okay.

In fact I was feeling guilty about all this. Heard that a girl would only share her sex life with those who they really trust, and now I betrayed her trust. Sigh it's all messed up

Sounds like unrequited love and it sounds like she used as an emotional tampon, she will probably keep you on the emotional back burner whilst she tries to make things work with this other guy.

It's easy for people without a good amount of relationship experience to fall into, at least you've learned your lesson and to be more wary. Don't try to make something more than it is.

That was a weird thing for her to do. Considering all the closeness you had, it's hard to believe she just saw you as a friend and wasn't expecting it to hurt, but from what you say about her history, she seems to be a scarred person, and they can do and say some very weird things. I suppose it's possible that she was mad at you for saying imappropriate things yourself, and maybe thought she would pay you back.

I don't know what she said, but it seems like she talked to you in a heartless way about her sexual adventures, and that made you feel that she is dangerous. You seem like a very caring, sensitive guy, so I can see how it must have upset you terribly to find out that she wasn't a nice girl. It's very sad because you both had so much good between you. I think you did the right thing by telling her how you felt. It sounds like if you had a full relationship, she could have hurt you even more.

Well l think it's a mistake on my part. When I firstly met her last year I was very socially active. I was in every drinking party and exhibitions the college hold. Probably it gives her an impression of sexual openness which led her to believe that what she was going to say was just natural thing for me. Not helping that our conversation (and indeed conversation with many of my artist friends) were usually full of gender-sexual jokes.

I guess you both made mistakes then. I used to do a lot of silly things just to fit in with other people. These days I'm a lot more demure and dependable, because I think it's the best way to find safe, kind people. I used to be scared that people would think I was boring if I didn't pretend to be wild. Well, let them get bored, let them go away. I don't need them if they can't be mature and responsible. They would only waste my time and hurt me. Of course I'm quite old now and I think people calm down when they are older, so sometimes I'm glad I'm not young any more.

I agree TD. Too many of our youth as humans is spent running wild just like NT sex life.
I wondered if being wild was the only way it could work but now I believe in a better outlook.

I agree it was a mistake, and I think you can learn from it.

Shaming a girl (even accidentally) about her sexuality is one of the most hurtful thing a guy can do--or any friend.

Women's sexuality has been subjected to attack for thousands of years, and it has deep rooted trauma in history. Some women are (rightly) very suspicious of people who judge or shame their sexuality--because it's been done on massive, abusive scales before, historically. And in some parts of the world it is still under extreme attack, and there are also double-standards and attacks afloat in most post-industrial countries.

She probably thought you would be accepting of her. It's up to you to decide what you believe in, and who you are willing to be friends with. But it's also important to remember that women are people too, and they are allowed to make choices about their own sexuality that don't conform to the "pure, virginal" archetype.

I'm not saying that you purposefully shamed her. You seem like you genuinely cared about her. But it's good that you learned that acceptance is an important part of a friendship--it builds trust. Judgement diminishes trust and intimacy. We all have aspects of ourselves that we aren't totally proud of, but it still hurts when our friends are judgmental or critical of us, when we reveal these vulnerabilities.

Of course you can have standards for who you want to be friends with--but know that unnecessary standards might limit you from being close to someone who might benefit you.

And I agree it was a case of unrequited love. She seemed to see you as a friend, which is valuable, but she didn't seem like she was cultivating, or planning on acting on any romantic feelings. It might be better for you now that you're able to move on and get emotionally attached to someone who's interested in returning your feelings.

Oh, also, I know that you're still hurting about this and that you are remorseful. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad, because you're already feeling bad enough. You carried this friendship on for a long time, which means you were probably a supportive and good friend for the most part. Don't beat yourself up over one mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. I'm sure that since you are thinking about this so much, that your next experience with love might be much more fulfilling and successful.

I think it is more about the unexpectedness. Her appearance is so...innocent, child-like. That is a reason why I associated her with innocence.

But looking back I would say it's more about my own inferior complexity: I always feel we are the same kind of peoples. But in our later chats she began to talk about her close-to-be-sexual experiences: how she was booty-called by her previous crush, how she was being led on and finally stayed alone with him, etc. She did not directly mention sex, but it was enough to make me feel intimidated. She gradually became something beyond my understanding. Unlike her, I have no experience in sex and relationships despite constant struggles. It is another force behind my obsession. The events in 20 April just fully confirmed that she is really beyond me.

This is sad. It's sad when relationships (whether they be friendly, romantic, or something else) end.
It sounds to me like she called it pretty well with the "I'm not what you imagine me to be" thing. You were disappointed/upset/whatever when you found out the reality of her,a sexual being, didn't fit with your established fantasy of "purity".
It doesn't sound like a case of anyone being wrong, just different expectations.
I feel like you were more attached to the idea of her you had in your head than to her as a person. That's something I've done too.

You can, always remember that you can.
As for the rest of it, that's a shame anyone has to go through such heartache, hope you find a way to cope successfully.

Exactly. Nobody is wrong. That's why it just felt bad because I could not blame her for living her own life.

And true enough, it is actually what she said in the text: "You like the idea of me. Its not me. Like you said, i'm not pure, im not innocent...We both live in fairytale, we don't see ppl for who they are but only what we image or hope them to be..."

Yes. Narcissistic needs. She seems very wise about these things. It's a very good explanation.
I don't know if it's purity or just safety that I would need from a partner. I suppose they are hard to separate.