Do you ever doubt you have AS?
09 May 2012, 7:29 pm
I know. I wanted to qualify that statement a dozen different ways, but it's all basically, with my history, if I'm not disabled, then what the hell is wrong with me?
I was terrified that my assessment would come back not autistic. To me, coming back how I expected, with some form of high functioning autism, was right, and coming back without that was telling me I was just a broken NT. (Something else lifelong would have been acceptable, but hard to accept, something developed would have just been me being broken, like my social anxiety is me being broken 'cause it was developed from too much bullying.)
10 May 2012, 2:12 am
That's pretty much exactly how I feel.
10 May 2012, 6:53 am
I can relate so much to that. I watched people around me holding down a full-time job, engaging in hobbies after work, all while having a family and a rich social life, and I wondered, "What the hell is wrong with me?" I can barely cope working four days a week, have no energy for extracurricular activities and don't even want to be social. I thought other people had the same difficulties I did, but had found a way to cope with them better. My diagnosis has been, as you say, a paradigm shift.
I self-diagnosed to begin with - and I did doubt it then. My first encounter with the term "Asperger's Syndrome" was through the television show Doc Martin. I recognised some things about myself in that character, but it didn't quite fit so I dismissed it. (The media loves the stereotypical representation of Asperger's, but based on other people's responses here, it seems that stereotype has been rather unhelpful for some.) A few years later I was motivated to revisit Asperger's once again and some in-depth research began to build a case for my Aspieness. I still needed an official diagnosis to be completely certain.
My faith was recently shaken for a few days. I made a new friend a few months ago and recently decided I trusted her enough to reveal my diagnosis. (I'd also had a bit of a mini-meltdown in class and felt I had to explain what had happened.) I was sure she'd already figured it out, but actually she hadn't. She'd recognised my shyness - which is pretty obvious - but nothing more. I always thought I was a bit more obvious than that. She has not doubted me, however, and I'm back to being certain. Nothing else gives me such a complete diagnosis, not to mention that it runs in my family.
10 May 2012, 8:20 am
I can really relate to this. I'm exhausted after working three or four days a week (maybe it gets better when I work with something I actually like?) and I have no energy left for any sort of activities. I spend the rest of the week relaxing and the only person I meet is my boyfriend.
...
A few years later I was motivated to revisit Asperger's once again and some in-depth research began to build a case for my Aspieness. I still needed an official diagnosis to be completely certain.
That's pretty much where I'm at now.
Verdandi
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10 May 2012, 8:54 am
I know. I wanted to qualify that statement a dozen different ways, but it's all basically, with my history, if I'm not disabled, then what the hell is wrong with me?
I was terrified that my assessment would come back not autistic. To me, coming back how I expected, with some form of high functioning autism, was right, and coming back without that was telling me I was just a broken NT. (Something else lifelong would have been acceptable, but hard to accept, something developed would have just been me being broken, like my social anxiety is me being broken 'cause it was developed from too much bullying.)
Yeah, it's like: If I'm not autistic, if I do not have ADHD, then why has my life been what it's been? There may be other viable explanations (lifelong complex PTSD, for example), but my depression - as severe as it can be - is primarily caused by my inability to function in the adult world in various ways. I am not concerned about the idea that I may be broken (as I believed I did have PTSD for a long time, and rationalized meltdowns as "being triggered; I actually had panic disorder for a time; I have clinical depression right now; I am certain that my fibromyalgia developed in the past decade), but about the idea that whatever I am diagnosed with must explain my problems.
I found the idea of being autistic very hard to accept a few years ago - trying to understand and accept it caused me meltdowns and shutdowns until I basically stopped thinking about it. I really wish I hadn't, but I was eventually able to cope with the idea and understand what it actually means instead of what I was afraid it might mean.
10 May 2012, 9:17 am
I really hope so, although it's a sad reality that nearly all modern workplaces will challenge Aspies to some extent. (Office politics and fluoro lights are everywhere.)
10 May 2012, 9:21 am
I really hope so, although it's a sad reality that nearly all modern workplaces will challenge Aspies to some extent. (Office politics and fluoro lights are everywhere.)
I hope so too. Otherwise I'm in trouble.
10 May 2012, 9:44 am
Since age 10 or 11 I've never doubted that there's something a bit different in my wiring from almost everyone else, and when I was diagnosed with Asperger's I figured I'd found the category that I best fit into, under current guidelines. (Where I'll fall once DSM-5 becomes the yardstick, I'm honestly still not sure.)
However, while reading McNally's* book What is Mental Illness?(Amazon link) there was a brief discussion of a disorder I'd never heard of, Depersonalization disorder (wiki link). Curious, I checked out the diagnostic criteria...and I've tentatively concluded that that seems about as good a descriptive of what's going on in my head as Asperger's does. I see my therapist tomorrow and I'm going to see what he thinks.
So, while I've no doubt there's something going on cognitively you could classify as a disorder, what I'm curious about is if I've been diagnosed with the RIGHT disorder.
* - I highly recommend McNally's book to anyone interested in the topic. However, it is VERY heavy lifting, as he expects readers to have a basic grasp of everything from alleles, endophenotypes, evolutionary theory (mental illness as adaptation to vs. as expatation), social constructionist theory, and philosophic realism. FWIW, the part I found most interesting was his theoretical discussion of how the DSM is currently organized categorically in a "neo-Kraepelinian" fashion, (i.e. in categories) and how the theoretical basis behind the switch to a "dimensional" (i.e. spectrum) approach was gaining steam within the APA/profession. Since the draft DSM-5 had not been issued when this book came out, he seems remarkably prescient.
And he basically just jumps right into the pool when discussing all of this. And on top of that he'll run through the good points of a parrticular theory, then the bad points. Its funny, because the book looks like it is marketed for a general reader, per the dust jacket. Yeah, right. If I understood 25% of it, I'll consider it a job well done.
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Last edited by WorldsEdge on 10 May 2012, 9:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
10 May 2012, 9:44 am
When I worked full time, I didn't like doing anything else when I get home so my husband felt ignored and thought I was going to leave him. I would come home and prefer to do the computer or video games after being at work all day. Then when I got laid off from full time, I wasn't like that anymore because I had so much time on my hands. Even the weekends wasn't enough when I worked full time because I still needed my own alone time and not be bothered. Now I want to work full time again but my husband tells me no because I have our son to take care of and it be too stressful to work full time and take care of him. I then think about the time I did work full time.
But I like to clean and I had a cleaning job but yet it still exhausted me. Crazy isn't it?
10 May 2012, 10:06 am
sometimes i doubt, but then if i didnt have Autism (which I definitely do, I'm diagnosed) I'd probably just be some sort of weird, vulnerable person who just also happens to be a psychopath. lol
but thats really only what i'm like when i meltdown, if i didnt meltdown, i'd be just like everyone else, my only problem is that when tv shows portray someone with Autism (at whatever level), most I've seen are apparently high functioning, but if they're high functioning, then I'm a Hollywood Celebrity and they always seem ridiculous....
10 May 2012, 11:45 am
That's exactly how I've felt my entire life. As if everybody else had some kind of special trick or ability or amazing quality or something else that I didn't (and still don't) have which enables them to do all these "normal" things at once. I've never got even remotely close to being able to sustain all that stuff simultaneously.
14 May 2012, 7:48 am
I insisted that I could not possibly have AS in middle school because I wanted to take electives but I was instead forced into a special education room twice a day.
I tried to convince them that I didn't have it, and now that I'm out I realize that I am certainly different. I still wouldn't want to deal with special ed ever again though - I hated it, I still hate it, and they don't actually help you. They just make you do busywork like addressing letters and typing.
14 May 2012, 10:25 am
Absolutely this, thank you for putting it into words that make sense.
15 May 2012, 11:26 pm
However, while reading McNally's* book What is Mental Illness?(Amazon link) there was a brief discussion of a disorder I'd never heard of, Depersonalization disorder (wiki link). Curious, I checked out the diagnostic criteria...and I've tentatively concluded that that seems about as good a descriptive of what's going on in my head as Asperger's does. I see my therapist tomorrow and I'm going to see what he thinks.
So, while I've no doubt there's something going on cognitively you could classify as a disorder, what I'm curious about is if I've been diagnosed with the RIGHT disorder.
* - I highly recommend McNally's book to anyone interested in the topic. However, it is VERY heavy lifting, as he expects readers to have a basic grasp of everything from alleles, endophenotypes, evolutionary theory (mental illness as adaptation to vs. as expatation), social constructionist theory, and philosophic realism. FWIW, the part I found most interesting was his theoretical discussion of how the DSM is currently organized categorically in a "neo-Kraepelinian" fashion, (i.e. in categories) and how the theoretical basis behind the switch to a "dimensional" (i.e. spectrum) approach was gaining steam within the APA/profession. Since the draft DSM-5 had not been issued when this book came out, he seems remarkably prescient.
And he basically just jumps right into the pool when discussing all of this. And on top of that he'll run through the good points of a parrticular theory, then the bad points. Its funny, because the book looks like it is marketed for a general reader, per the dust jacket. Yeah, right. If I understood 25% of it, I'll consider it a job well done.
I fit this too but what can be done about it?
I found out about it right around the same time as AS. I would say the depersonalization is what made me consider AS in the first place, I only found out a I had some other traits later but still, my social skills aren't really affected.
So do they propose that Depersonalization disorder is caused by one's upbringing or what? I didn't get too far into it because it didn't seem like something that could be really be treated, plus it's been a lifelong thing for me.
I also considered Simple Schizophrenia like someone else mentioned in light of my family history, which is extremely similar to depersonalization disorder and AS,
I've wondered if Depersonalization disorder might not just be a label that was given to folks before AS was popular though, or before it was in the DSM, Regardless it would probably fit the majority of Aspies and many NTs with autistic traits.
Thats what I've settled on anyway, I'm not seeking any kind of diagnosis. I just acceped myself as an NT with ASD traits.
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