One thing women and society at large sees as weakness

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actually, ive never been fond of real smart girls. i enjoy the more simple, friendly conversations.
A

I think your oversimplifying what I was talking about. It has nothing to do with stereotypes of woman wanting bodybuilders or me chasing shallow women. I always keep my scope opened for the women who seem most like me in the sense of quiet, off to the side, etc. Most of the rest I can already see wouldn't understand me. Trouble is even the types of girls who keep to themselves and who keep flirting with me seem to have the wrong wiring where I feel like I'm putting myself at odds with em and without even needing to do a single thing wrong.

I still feel like there's something about my demeanor that gives away some part of my inner self which ends up being the ultimate turn-off. I'm not going for those wannabe fashion models, if anything I'm trying to scout out the closest thing I can find to being a wholesome aspiish type of girl who has the right kind of trajectory to there I feel like I can click with her.

That's where I'm feeling like I'm stuck though; that 99% of the women out there won't give me a chance because they don't easily right off the bat understand me. Just as the basis how this world works, understanding seems to be something that just *isn't* done (like it goes directly against the grain of natural order or something). Either it's there up front or your not worth trying. I don't think like that, but then again I'm starting to wonder how much that kind of naive wholesome logic may have contributed to my being seen as a freak.

Not that I've really been rejected in fact over the years, just that I can tell when I'm not being met from the other side in terms of interest and I find that my personality has some tense, wired, pseudo-narcissistic seeming traits which are a major turn off to that motivation. Sad thing is I mean well, I'm still just being me, but they read it the easy way I think - that I'm a shmuck.

My only problem with that is for one, a lot of the meak are restrained as such; why would God give us an unfair advantage? We also live in a very diverse world where it takes all kinds to make things work - why would he create 85% of society and put all the work into them and still have them pretty well destined to be furnace fuel following the morning star down to the abyss? You might say that all people have free-will but bible prophecy still calls for the end time to be a place where society and it's values are rotting right out the bottom of the bag (almost like all the evil people of this world are just as needed by God's design as the good).

Not to throw obstacles at your faith (I'm actually planning to watch a show on the Bible Codes in 20 minutes because I wanna know more myself), it's just that I have a hard time feeling like I'm assessing things realistically when I look at it that way. I want the truth more than anything but it doesn't seem like we're given much in the way of empricals that don't take some kind of 'leap of faith'. IMO this world's so upside down that I have a hard time accepting that anything isn't a fraud unless it makes some kind of broadbased sense to me from the ground up.

I am still rebuilding myself from a disasterous school life.

The old me was a s##t taking, wimp, bullied and tortured. He was an artist who was scared to play piano in front of anyone and turned red whenever someone caught a glimpse of his fine drawings. When people said nasty things like him and his sister are incested, he is a f*g, he's strange, he's wierd...etc, he wouldn't speak out against them. He hid at home and avoided those people as much as possible. In his solitude he made up all kinds of strange revenge plans and researched violent technology. People who loved him couldn't get through to him. He literally rotted away in sickness from poor diet, lack of sunlight and poor confidence.

The new me is different. He refused all medication realizing that drug companies create gigantic markups to fill their pockets without doing proper research on most of their products. He eats very healthy and excercises regularly. He is not scared to work out at home or do aerobics in the yard for fear of being called a f*g. In fact, the last person to call him a f*g ended up getting kicked in the shoulder. He works hard and doesn't worry about things all day long like he used to. The new me is not scared to go out in public anymore. He walks confidently, not slouched over. Assertiveness and a new found ability to speak what he feels is right, loud and clear, destroys all jeers and arrogance. When people go to far they are dealing with a well trained kick boxer who practises every day..for excercise..and defence.

My only problem now is that I am a little too far on the aggressive side where before I was on an overly passive side. I think sometimes it is helpful to be that way or I wouldn't get anywhere in life. The strongest feeling is that there is a life beyond money and sex. Those are simplistic concepts compared to love. Love and hate, good and evil are real forces. Evil will disguise itself with good intentions and I live every day to not give into those good intentions. God is a different concept depending on who you talk to. I don't go out and try to preach any specific religion. I find alot of truth within many different religions, alot of coincidences too!

Something else I've realized two things though; it varies from day to day and that the girls who seem like they'd be most in tune with me in a relationships aren't exactly what you'd think by default when you think of who an aspie guy should go for (ie. a lot of those quieter girls actually seem more resistant to giving me an opening where as a lot of the more grounded, somewhere along the upper end of what's inbetween beta and alpha).

That's not wishful thinking, that's just the way it is. Problem is, when it's girls like that who will seem to take a somewhat genuine interest in me before anyone else does I end up feeling like the demands and stakes put on me to be on their expectation level are higher. I'm even sometimes finding girls who I was innitially kind of socially intimidated by a bit (the ones who kinda have that yuppy stelleto-edge to their front, that stealthy assassin walk, have social skills that would make you feel like they could steamroll you in a second), sometimes their attitudes are that well directed to where we get along and I feel something mildly clicking. It's like the more critical or ambitious types of women tend to respect me a lot and even boarder on liking me where as I feel like a lot of the aspie-ish girls halfway resent me for some reason.

here here, i totally agree with this, i would never go out with someone who thrived on being the centre of attention all the time as this to me

You mean in the sense of alpha or in the sense of what I said about myself?

I have never found my intelligence to turn women off: If anything, it attracts them. Don't carry your intelligence as a weight; it's a good thing. When women discover my intelligence and creativity, balanced with some physical recreation as well, they usually seem glad to have met me. You just have to think of your sensitivity and intelligence as positive traits, not burdens.

I'm a bit lonely and am looking to meet women too. I haven't had any success yet, but I'm making progress. I'm opening myself up more, and saying hi to complete strangers and making smalltalk. This apparently is the first step to creating a relationship with someone.

Asperger's syndrome affects your ability to relate to others, but don't think your soulmate must be an aspie too. And don't get so worked up about all this alpha, beta, etc. garbage. You are you, period. Flatten your perspective of the social hierarchy: Bring those "alphas" down to your level and raise the lowest of the low up to your level. Treat everyone with the dignity you would like them to treat you with. Petty social subgroupings don't concern you; you're not bound by them. Transcend!

Any woman might be just who you're looking for; you can't know until you talk to her at the very least. You need not feel anxious about approaching and talking to the most beautiful woman around or the smartest or anyone. Once you talk to her, she gets to make a choice too, but there are plenty of other women in the world if she doesn't happen to like you.

I find I get along with girls who talk alot. They just seem to like the fact that I listen well. People get freaked out when I say that I had one real girl friend and that lasted maybe 2 weeks. I find now that I don't get embarrassed about things like that. When people used to ask who my girl friend was I would turn red. When someone asks me that now I just don't care.

One thing that will kill your chances before anything else is overanalyzing. Overanalyzing situations or people, creating possible failures, and outcomes in your mind, will most often doom you when looking for relationships.

I don't think I really create my own failures (I try to be realistic about my analysis) but yeah, I hyperanalyse like no other practically. Problem is I never get feedback a lot otf times, don't get the responses I think I should be getting half the time, and usually it's the subtle negative feedback which I tend to hyperanalyse.

sorry In the sense of being an alpha.

baby

Please don't take it that way.

I'm starting to think, more and more, that this whole situation has nothing to do with what I mentioned before. I'm realzing that my only way of passing as NT (my only route through without comming off with a personality that doesn't add up) comes across IRL as very self-absorbed and almost narcissistic.

Looks like I really need to find an alternate route to living because as it is right now, it seems like no one agrees with the ways I think (and just to be clear, no, I'm not talking about you).

If you are trying to pass as NT then that is your problem right there.
I am a little strange and i'm proud of it, people accept me better that way.
I'm not saying what works for me is going to work for you but if you are a really smart person with a different line of thinking...the world needs you! Don't be ashamed of it. We all have to conform just a little bit to get by and that can be the hardest thing to learn.

I wish my wierdness was of that variety where it was something I could wear as a badge and have it work for me. For me though, if anything, it was never anything more than an irritant and I still don't feel like it's much different (it's more of a disoriented/disorganized wierd like I'm completely out of touch with the present rather than anything novel or anything I could romanticize).

The problem is that it is not as easy as I make it sound.
My whole school life from 1991-2000 was miserable. In the end I wanted to kill people and get revenge. I was so cracked that I couldn't even talk right and I couldn't walk on the streets with my head up. Before I was strange and confident I was strange and very messed up. The aggressive streak that put me into a manditory recovery was once a nasty hatred that made me very dangerous.

Stupid people don't do it for me. Neither do geeks and Nerds.

Neither do people I don't find physically attractive, or their personality sucks, or they're just plain scary or insecure.

Probably explains why i'll always be single.

Not complaining though.