Losing a battle I don't even want to fight...

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I am 19 years old and I already feel like I'm hitting a dead end in life. This really disturbs me. Because a lot of my problems tend to overlap most of the other Coping in Life sections, I thought I would kill many birds with one stone and mesh them all together and put them in one post here so that way I feel I can get everything out at once.

At one point in my life when I was younger I felt like I had it all: a bunch of good friends, a part time volunteering job (which back in 3rd grade was a HUGE step forward for me), a loving girlfriend (much later), and I felt like I actually belonged somewhere.

Come 17 and onwards, everything fell apart. My best friend of 15 years has completely decided to ignore me and everybody else in our group on purpose so that he can make new friends, which all by itself is a huge stab to the heart as one can probably imagine. Before that, I went through 6 crazy relationships that honestly should never have happened: the first one ended with a fight and was the closest to normal, the second one was insane, the third one never took off, the fourth one cheated on me on a different person who I was friends with for 6 years, the fifth one was also pretty crazy and the sixth one also cheated on me. Talk about unattractive, eh? On top of that, I constantly struggle with myself internally about work: on the one hand, it would be nice to have a job so I can make some money and keep myself busy, but on the other hand I don't want to get one because I know Im going to be run ragged because I already feel weak and helpless from the depression I have been struggling with for most of my life. My parents constantly hound me to get one, and although I have been applying to many places to no avail, I feel absolutely no motivation to pursue it further. They claim that too much free time dictates my depression and isloation only hurts me more, and it's odd because I know I'm in denial yet I refuse to believe any of it. I see a shrink and have tried many different medications and they only work to a certain extent. It seems the effect of both of these have worn off completely. Although there is one ex who cares about me unbelivably, I just don't enjoy her company anymore because of the guilt I have from a slight friends with benefits case (just making out) and I am completely jaded from her personality and it's only fueling my depression because shes completely head over heels for me and she just doesn't understand that it would never work out anyway no matter how direct I get. I never talk to my parents because I know I'm going to get a response along the lines of "get over it" or "it gets better" or something like that which is more bull that I just don't believe because I have been told this stuff for a decade and no matter what I do to try and improve the situation, nothing ever changes. I don't talk to my friends because 1. I dont want to bother them and 2. I will eventully drive the few that I have left away. I feel like I have nobody to turn to.

Once my life started taking a nosedive, my old self disappeared without a trace never to be heard from again. I slowly but surely became less friendly, less outgoing, and more angry and bitter towards the world which would in turn lead to more failures in life and thus a very horrible and terrifying spiral began to take over me mentally. Everybody else I know has it made it seems and I'm stuck with little to nothing. People always assume that because I come from a middle class family that that means I should be happy all the time, as if a little it more money can REALLY solve all of my problems. People will see me struggling and think that I should just get over myself and tend to develop negative opinions of me, or so it seems at least. Perhaps I'm just paranoid, but who knows.

I once had high hopes and dreams about being a famous musician in an awesome rock band. Nobody likes the same music I do nor is there any talent for miles around so that dream has been put to rest. I then turned to one of my friends who goes to Drexel who was getting a degree in video game design. He has since changed majors to webpage design and does not think that it will be possible to start a gaming company and succeed, so that dream has been shot down in flames as well.

In the hopes of getting improved results, I have refrained myself from making sad postings on my facebook account in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone will notice the good in me and help me back on my feet again. This turned out to be a mistake, and because of the reasons stated above, I internalize my feelings and let it build much like a volcano until it explodes and destroys everything near it along with making a huge mess (emotionally). After so many rejections from girls, you really start to lose perspective on how valuable you really are. After being shot down once more today, I finally snapped and had to let it all out before something really bad happened, so here I am.

I feel like life is a constant battle, where every failure is a punch or a shot to the body. I'm only human and can only take so much punishment. Although I have debated suicide, I have never tried or hurt myself in any way. That being said, sometimes I wish I had the courage to because its rather obvious to me that nobody would really seem to mind if I were gone or not because everybody else is so busy with the stuff that they have and were able to accomplish. Sometimes I just decide to disappear for awhile and even now I'm thinking of just remaining silent from now on.

What it all boils down to is that I feel lost, hopeless, and abandoned. In my never ending search for acceptance and peace I am always met with drama, pain, and misery around every corner, which fuels the overall monster that gets stronger every time it knocks me off my feet when I get up again: depression. I simply have nothing more to give I feel like and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like the fun times are over and from here on out I'm just supposed to work until I just can't anymore and then I prepare for death. What a boring and depressing way to live. I'm stuck in a rut... a black hole that is impossible to climb back out of. It's really amazing how the world can turn a loveable and fun-loving guy into a hardened fighter, always struggling to keep his head above water. I don't feel like I can trust anybody because of all of the betrayals in the past that I have had to deal with and many, many other bad events as well.

I often ask myself whats happening to me? Why do I feel so hated? Why can't I do anything right? Why do I suddenly enjoy getting revenge and being spiteful when I used to be the polar opposite? Will I ever be the same again? I don't have an answer to any of these questions, but right now it seems like the answer is a solid no.

I know most of you will think this is just a waste of bandwidth or whatever but this is the only option I feel I have left other then to give up, which I am incredibly tempted to do. I need all the support I can possibly get because emotionally I am a train wreck and I feel very cornered and trapped, and I'm closing my eyes and bracing myself for what is probably to come. I feel like it's me vs. the world and obviously nobody can win a battle of that magnitude. For a disorder that seems so trivial to the public, Asperger's Syndrome seems to have lead to my ultimate downfall. I yearn to become my old self again, however it appears he went KIA. Metaphorically speaking, this great city I built for myself and my friends has since been nuked and completely destroyed, leaving me to perish in the rubble as I reach my hand out for help. As I type this with tears in my eyes, I can only hope that looking for some kindness and compassion here was the right choice because this is my final stop on my little tour of false hope. If this doesn't help me at least a little bit, I might just shut down for good.

I can tell you 100% certainty that NO ONE here at WP will consider your opening letter as a waste of bandwidth. In all actuality, the reason we're here is to learn from each other, support each other, and connect with like minds. I jokingly call WP Suicide Central. Sometimes its Melancholy Motel or Sad Cafe. The thing is - all of us have issues or we wouldn't be here. There's nothingnlike strength in numbers, right? Stay strong. You're among friends. BTW, you're a pretty good writer. It's refreshing to read someone's letter without having to wade through lines and lines of grammatical errors.

You seem to know yourself deeply. That's an advantage. Maybe not this minute, but. Remember the best song you wrote? It didn't sound that hot until you played it, changed it a few times. Right?

Hardly, we win those battles every day.
And from what I've red from your post you seem to depend on your fellow man for your feelings of selfesteem and self worth, this is very good when other people are around, but less (as you no doubt have figured out by now) good when they are abcent.
First on your list should be to go back to depending on yourself, because now you've shed all your skins so to speak, you are no longer your group, your job, your relation etc, what's left is you, with all your faults and all your benifits, no one can take the pride and no one will take the fall, it's all you, and I agree, it's a scary moment in life when everything depends on your actions alone, but stay frosty, we're in it for the win and in time we do win.

So take hart little one, most of us have been there where you are now and a fair share have been alot lower too, but you still come out ontop of it in the end. Your main task ahead is to find out who you are, everything you do or don't do can tell you something, so observe yourself carefully and learn from it, this is the time to grow but don't be surpised if you come out of this wondering why you cared so much what others thought of you before. You will end up stronger than ever before. One day at a time you come closer.

When I went throu this phase I was 13 and at that age I was trying my very best to fit in (all in vain. ^^) and that's when I proclaimed my first personal motto. "Life sucks."
When I was 16 (yes, that phase lasted three years) I realised this was not true, because life doesn't always suck, even at it's worst it has some glimmer of light. So I changed it to "We live to endure." and I've found it to be true in every aspect of my life, it still stands 10 years later and it never fell, even when the real dark times came.


This is one of the greatest traps there is, where you loose sight of yourself and start looking for an ideal, that only represents what you want others to see, look inside you and make peace with the one you find in there and you will find an inner calm that withstands anything and everything the world throws at you. You might even find the challanges more interesting than the "perfect life".

And don't worry, we're here to help you stay on course.
Fight on brave soul.

Your parents are right. When people are depressed they need to find things to do to keep occupied and distracted.

- Exercise. It generates mood boosting endorphins.

- Read funny stories and watch funny shows. Humor also generates endorphins.

- Eat healthy, and enough of it. A healthier diet will boost your immune system and is also good for your mind. Skimping on amount of food leads to depression, crankiness, and being more prone to get sick.

- Get enough rest. Being tired leads to depression, crankiness, and being more prone to get sick, too.

- Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free. The in person ones are a good way to meet people.

- Volunteer. There are people worse off than we are, who would really appreciate the help. It's also a good way to meet people, and boost your self image and mood.

- Take up a hobby or join a club. These are good ways to meet people who share your interests.

- Get involved in community activities. Attend town meetings, events at local libraries and other local organizations. Attend local sporting events, fairs, and art shows. Attend and/or participate in local theater groups. These are all great ways to meet people and boost your self image and mood.

- Employment/or self employment. Great way to meet people, boost self image, put money in your wallet, gain experience. Since you have been having trouble finding work as an employee, perhaps you should consider self employment. There are many types to choose from.

>> Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening.
>> House cleaning.
>> Errand/shopping service.
>> Wait for service people, so the home owner/renter doesn't have to take time off from work.
>> House/pet sitting.
>> House chores for the elderly/disabled.
>> Handyman.
>> Tutor.
>> Computer maintenance/repair.
>> Website design.
>> Other website based businesses.
>> Paint houses indoor/outdoor.
>> Carpentry.
>> Repair things.

There are many other self employment opportunities. Your local libraries will have books with lists and descriptions of them, so look into it.

Now, go and do something, and good luck!

I really appreciate the kind words that have been said by everybody. It's good to know I am not the only one feeling like I can't get anything to work. I hope that I can get myself off my feet this time and quite honestly I'm glad I never tried to end it all because even though I'm not at my prime right now I have a will of steel that just can't be broken. I have been using God as my resource and path of hope and I hope that maybe I'll conquer this. God, if you're not up there, I'm screwed!

Late to the thread but I get relief from volunteering to drive the parking shuttle at my church and taking part in their city of Compton mini-extreme makeover days, and every week they have a 12-step group for anyone that struggles with anything; depression, love addiction, low self esteem, grief, divorce and the ever popular alcohol & chemical. The small group portion means that I can spend 5 minutes saying whatever I want and nobody is going to interrupt me. It's good practice for working on verbalizing.

Anyway as far as nobody in your area liking the same music, have you thought about joining musicians' forums and file swapping? Your dream may just need a slight workaround

No you're not. Because if it where so, I'd be long dead.

Sweet Pea hugs