What about me makes me good to cheat with?

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

Zinnel
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 405
Location: Missouri, USA

26 May 2012, 2:56 am

So I've been dating or at least trying to date as there are not whole lot of girls that I'm interested in.

Ether too shy and not engaging enough in conversation or they have one of my dealbreakers ie. smoking, obsessed with getting high, obsessed with getting drunk, thinks learning is stupid.....honestly I who in their right mind thinks learning is stupid, and then goes to college to aquire loan debt sololy so they can be in the "college party scene" ugghh.

Anyway, I've dated 3 girls this past two months. Which, I guess was cool except they were all trying to cheat with me. On their boyfriends and the last one on her girlfriend. Now I didn't sleep with any of them, it's just not my thing to sleep with a girl I've only known for less than a month. Now first two only revealed that they had boyfriends after they had tried to make their move and I told them thats not my thing.(I guess that made them feel guilty or something?) The last one tried to convince me that her girlfriend was ok with it(even though I still was not), but at that very moment her girlfriend open the front door and saw me trying to hand the girl her bra and blouse back....that she threw at me... oh and her girlfriends bursted into tears and run back to her car while the girl I was dating chased after her half-naked down the street at night.

So is it me or is it the maybe the type women I'm interested in.......cuz basicly I go for geeky/nerdy women who value knowledge, and look to constantly evolve as a person. That doesn't exactly sound like someone who looks to cheat on others. So I figure it is likely me but what? Cuz other than the ocassional "nice guy" stereotype that gets slapped on me by people who are just getting to know me, thats about it. I'm mean my other non-physical traits are not things you can pick right way, so is it all just a physical thing? Is there a tall-overweight-guy fetish thats going around?

I realy don't want a repeat of this? But for all I know it could be just 2012 end times!! hysteria


_________________
keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out


Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,606

26 May 2012, 6:22 am

I don't know but the terms "cheated" and "cheating" crack me up for some reason when used in this context. :lmao:

It's hard to keep a straight face while saying them and the fact others do makes it even funnier.



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,508
Location: x

26 May 2012, 6:24 am

I have a theory but I don't think you're going to like it.


My theory is that women see you as interesting and attractive but entirely unsuitable for a relationship. So the only women you attract will be the ones not looking for a relationship. You have screened out the unattached women looking for a hookup (who are likely to have one of your stated dealbreakers). That leaves the attached women looking to cheat.

What can you do about this? You are already in the excellent position of being attractive to women. Now you need to seem suitable for a relationship so you will attract women who are unattached and looking for that. I don't know how you would go about doing that. Maybe another poster can help.



Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,606

26 May 2012, 7:23 am

Janissy wrote:
That leaves the attached women looking to cheat.


:lmao:



danmac
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,656
Location: chi town burbs

26 May 2012, 10:01 am

are you approching them or(more likely) are they approching you? cheaters are outgoing........ those who are shy are less likely to go after someone they think is cute. if it's 1/2 n1/2 then think about the places you are seeking women out. the bars are the worst place for you to look around, it's full of cheaters and people who really don't care about relationships. you can find "the right one" in a bar but you have to be alittle smarter then the avg. joe. first red flag is if she in no way shape or form wants you at her place(not fool proof), if they live at home and don't want to cotinue the night at her place then it might be shes respectful of her family, or they know of her boy friend and you, the boy toy are not welcome.
lastly, if it is smart women your after, clubs(science clubs,ect.) are good for this and other places where people gather for other reasons then hooking up?


_________________
everything is funny if your looking at it right


Kurgan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,379
Location: Scandinavia

26 May 2012, 10:38 am

@OP:

Contrary to what some girls say, girls like sex as much as boys; it's not something they do just to please their significant other. Girls also "use" boys for sex just as often as vice verca.



ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,608
Location: Ireland

26 May 2012, 10:40 am

You do look sort of devil-ish.



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

26 May 2012, 11:29 am

Didn't you know chubby is the new 6 pack? There's hope for me yet. =P
(Not that I'm obese or overweight, just gone up a size in my waist...)


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


Senath
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 May 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 357

26 May 2012, 12:03 pm

I also wonder what kind of relationship YOU are looking for. You described the type of person you want to date, and said that you're interested in dating, but to what end? Are you just looking for intimate friendship for a while, someone to live with, someone to start a life together with...? What kind of dating lifestyle are you after? That could possibly be a factor in the type of people that become interested in you.

Danmac brings up an interesting point as well. People who are looking for self-improvement are less likely to be hanging around bars getting drunk and more likely to be doing things like volunteering, getting a useful education (not entering college for the parties), and working on productive and/or creative projects.

Where did you find these women? At college? If so then maybe you could look elsewhere like at a book club or an Earth Day event or a political rally (just suggestions, I don't know what interests you specifically).

I met my fiance partially by accident because he got on his friend's (also my friend's) computer and started chatting with random people on the friend's IM list. He tried to rile me up by pretending to be the friend and saying potentially offensive things. Then he realized I wasn't an overly emotional idiot and wasn't taking offense. He admitted who he was and we got to chatting (at the start he didn't even know I was female, just liked me as a person). Over a month later after lots and lots of good intimate conversation about who we were, what our worldviews were, what we liked, what we disliked, and where we wanted to go with our lives, we finally met up and have been together for 5+ years. I haven't had experience with online dating sites, but I give credit to the Internet for bringing us together because I never would have opened up so much otherwise (typing online is far easier for me than speaking with someone face-to-face; I am intensely shy before I get to know someone really well enough to allow vulnerability).

Janissy has an excellent point as well. It seems that these women over the past three months do find you to be interesting/attractive enough to choose for a sexual partner, but these women are NOT ready to get into a healthy relationship. They don't even know how to handle their current relationships enough to have open communication going with their significant other in regards to what is making them unhappy enough to want to cheat.

I was just thinking that you've written off women for being "either too shy or not engaging enough in conversation". What if you were to help one of these women out of her shell? Face-to-face or phone conversation isn't the only way to communicate. And if you read up on intimacy and vulnerability in relationships you'll better know how to ease into the give-and-take of vulnerability that is required for a relationship.

You could start with "safer" topics like what kind of exercise they like best (something that doesn't have much potential for them to be seen in a negative light or something that isn't very controversial). You open up first, and then ask them to share the same. Then you can move on to something more personal, like how they feel about exercise and health and things like drinking/smoking. You share first. If they don't seem comfortable discussing the topic, bring it back to something more "safe", like what kind of food you like even though it's unhealthy.

Once you've both shared a little bit of yourselves (and if you're becoming interested in her) you can be explicit and say that you like it when she engages in conversation and shares herself, and make sure to tell her why (you like her interests, you value her opinion...). She'll probably feel good about that and feel more at ease talking with you.

That might seem like too much work for you but I really think it could open up an entirely new segment of potential dating partners so you don't have to write off anyone who is shy. Honest, non-defensive communication is SO important in relationships.



ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,608
Location: Ireland

26 May 2012, 12:46 pm

Someone PS Zinnel's pic with some little red horns.



Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,606

26 May 2012, 1:12 pm

His goatee looks similar to those triangle shaped ones that satanists often have.



Zinnel
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 405
Location: Missouri, USA

26 May 2012, 3:54 pm

Well I met one of the girls on OkCupids dating site(she was listed as single btw)
the other two I met at college.

I'm can't really say that I am looking for a relationship. But I can say I'm not look for a fling/one-night-stand/casual -sex. Each time I approached a girls it was just to meet someone new and go from there. However while It seemed that these 3 girls I had met were more interested in me than the others and thus I asked them out, apparently it wasn't entirely for what I thought.


Thing is the reasons to cheat perplex me, I mean if your unhappy or want something else than just leave. Why try and bother to stay and hurt the person your with? Whats worse being cheated on or being broken up with?


Oh, thats the first time anyones ever said I looked anything like a satanists :lmao:


_________________
keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out


ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,608
Location: Ireland

26 May 2012, 3:59 pm

Not Satanists. Actual Satan.

Image



Senath
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 May 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 357

29 May 2012, 7:34 pm

Zinnel wrote:
Well I met one of the girls on OkCupids dating site(she was listed as single btw)
the other two I met at college.

I'm can't really say that I am looking for a relationship. But I can say I'm not look for a fling/one-night-stand/casual -sex. Each time I approached a girls it was just to meet someone new and go from there. However while It seemed that these 3 girls I had met were more interested in me than the others and thus I asked them out, apparently it wasn't entirely for what I thought.


Thing is the reasons to cheat perplex me, I mean if your unhappy or want something else than just leave. Why try and bother to stay and hurt the person your with? Whats worse being cheated on or being broken up with?


I'd say that's impossible to describe unless it's happening to you. It's the result of years and years of neurological processing and memory making and conditioning of one's conscience... People use language to describe their worldview but you never really know exactly what they think and feel and why.

I would say that people in unhealthy relationships that should probably be ended are not always able to judge a situation rationally when they're so emotionally attached to the past. That's one reason why some people stay even when their significant other is violent (verbally or physically or sexually). Even without any any abuse in the relationship, to break up a relationship with your significant other can be really, really difficult, and for some it's easier to be impulsive, hide and hope for the best than to gather the courage to face the problems in their current relationship.

And for some people, sex isn't a big deal and the couple can come to an agreement about outside sexual relations. But it does not sound like that's the case here. :(

Have you considered looking at dating from a different perspective, such as going into it looking mostly for companionship and not focusing much on the physical part at the outset? I'm thinking that if you're not sure what you're looking for yet it's going to be harder to communicate what you're expecting out of the relationship to potential love interests.