Questions about friendships.

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1. Is someone a friend if they never call you/get in touch with you? I've noticed that I'm always the one having to contact other people if I want to socialise with someone (and since that doesn't happen often I probably spend at least 75 % of my time alone). It's been like that most of my life. That makes me wonder if they're really my friends or if they just meet up with me to be polite.

2. I like it when things are clearly stated. I'd like it if people would say "I'm your friend, I like you." That way I wouldn't have to wonder if people really want to hang out and if they're my friends. Do you ever worry about that?

3. Is it "normal" wanting to have friends but at the same time not wanting it?

Are you me? I have wondered about exactly the same questions several times myself, but I can't say I have come up with any answers.
But regarding question number 3, I'm pretty sure it is common here on WP. I would like to have friends, but I would not like to hang out with them. And I do not think it works that way.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a while. I've got a boyfriend and he's my best friend. But I'm not sure I'd call a lot of other people my friends. Anyway, if you ever find the answers, let me know.

About wanting to have friends but not wanting to have friends at the same time; it's a rather weird feeling in my opinion. I love being by myself but I want friends. I don't want to hang out with them often, but I want them to be there if I do want to.

1) I think I've only got one proper friend because we both contact each other. I've got some friendly acquaintances, but it's much the same as your case in that they don't really contact me.

2) I like to know if people are my friends, but unfortunately it's quite a vague term. My friendly acquaintances will get the hump if I mention I don't have any real friends.

3) Yes, I think it's is "normal". Friends are good to have but at the same time, like with all relationships, you have to cultivate them and they take work and time. It's an invest of sorts.

Friends are a peculiar phenomenon and the dynamics involved are confusing even to NTs like me.

I have 3 best friends that I really only talk to about a few times a year, but I know they are friends for life, and I did spend a lot of time with them as we were developing the friendship. I think if it's someone you don't know that well and you are questioning the friendship to start with, then they are probably just an acquaintance. I have other people that are not necessarily "best friends," but they are my friends and I talk with them anywhere from a few times a week to less frequently, like a couple times a month. I think the level of communication is about equal, with me contacting them about as often as they contact me. If I'm always doing the contacting, and I'm unsure, I might stop contacting them for a bit and see if they notice my absence and then try to contact me. Then I know they are a friend rather than just an acquaintance. An acquaintance is less likely to question your absence from their life, and that works both ways. I consider the people that it doesn't really phase me if I haven't heard from them to be acquaintances.

I do that too sometimes. And most often they don't seem to notice my absence and I often end up contacting them again. So I guess most of my so called friends are probably acquaintances. At least I have one best friend (my boyfriend) and two other friends (even though I don't see those two friends more than once every half a year right now since we don't live in the same cities).

1.) There's no way to say 100%. I had a friend who we would go for months without taking, and then if one of us would get in touch with the other and it would be like we had talked forever. I find that two way communication CAN be an accurate measure or friendship but it's not fool proof.

2.) It would be nice.

3.) Yes; NT people describe that to me all the time. They want to hang out and do things with others whole at the same time saying how much easier it would be if they were alone.

I love your thought process here, I feel exactly the same. I sometimes wish I had aspie friends, I know one from my course, but he is very extreme and very self-absorbed, although he is getting better.

Point 2: I wish ppl had a sign so that you knew where you stood, but from personal experience, I think friendships are on a spectrum, quite like the aspie-autistic sort. You have really good friends at one end who love to be around you (rare), and an indifferent friendship at the other (I guess you could go into the negative scale for enemies ;o) ).

Point 3: socialising is hard work, especially for aspies. However, I really want friends, but from past experiences with aspies, I have anxieties from social situations. I am reading books on the matter, and trying CBT, and it seems to be helping. It is not something you can change overnight, but if you are willing, you can accomplish anything.

I love your thought process here, I feel exactly the same. I sometimes wish I had aspie friends, I know one from my course, but he is very extreme and very self-absorbed, although he is getting better.

Point 2: I wish ppl had a sign so that you knew where you stood, but from personal experience, I think friendships are on a spectrum, quite like the aspie-autistic sort. You have really good friends at one end who love to be around you (rare), and an indifferent friendship at the other (I guess you could go into the negative scale for enemies ;o) ).

Point 3: socialising is hard work, especially for aspies. However, I really want friends, but from past experiences with aspies, I have anxieties from social situations. I am reading books on the matter, and trying CBT, and it seems to be helping. It is not something you can change overnight, but if you are willing, you can accomplish anything.

1) NO. A person that neither contacts you nor wants to hang out with you is NOT a friend to you. I would always contact people from high school and college but they would never return my messages. Also, they were never willing to hang out with me. So keep that in mind.

2) Once I meet people for the first time and get to know them thruout time, I always worry about what they think of me, and whether they would want to be my friends and hang out with me.

3) I never had the feeling of wanting and not wanting to have friends at the same time. I've been longing for best friends since high school because I feel like it'll be a key to happiness.

Even i like when things are clear but my experience has been that when someone says "i am your friend" it typically does not ensure that they are. I feel that action is what counts. Like i now know this person who remembers to reply. She may not always remember to initiate but she replies. She has never told me "we are good friends" but i know she is direct and she has been the only person who was upfront enough to tell me that i was making a mistake. It upset me then, but the people who told me that they were my friends actually said the opposite and later i realised what that girl had said was true.



I am not sure if it normal, but then there is nothing normal is there. But i know what you mean. I go through the same thing. I want to have somebody close to me, but i get tired of being with people and just want to run away from them. In my case it is due to the fact that i actually dont have fun with the people i spend time with so it gets more and more difficult as time passes

Also, friendships come and go, and definitions of friendship is different between people as well. One person may think "friend for life" and another person may think "we're being friendly with each other" which are two different things, but can both be expressed by "of course, I am your friend" by two different people.

Thanks for all the answers!

I think friendships are a bit complicated and I quite often think about all of these questions. Do you reckon NTs think about these things as well? They probably do, right? I mean, they're not all great at friendships, right?

I seem to want to know that people are there , but not spend that much time with them, as I find interacting exhausting. So I guess that counts as wanting friends but not wanting friends.

Exactly this.

I dont think so. My sister in law, brother and mom are quite typical. Neither spend as much effort or thought in friendships as i do. All 3 of them had close friends at an early age (between 9-12) and have either kept those or lost them due to their choice. They dont seem to spend effort trying to figure out stuff related to friendship but get them instinctively.