A Relationship Equation v+w+x+.....

Post Reply New Topic

I'm trying to create an equation for a good relationship.
There seems to be a direct relationship between the variables below and the degree of intimacy in an intimate human relationship.

Variables required for an intimate relationship:
v= friendship
w= enjoy spending time together
x= respect/admiration
y= trust
z= sexual attraction

What variables am I missing from my equation. I seem to have all this with someone yet they are not interested in me.
Either a) they are lying to me about any of the above or
b) there is something missing in the relationship equation

..................people tell me I over-analyze everything.......... perhaps this is true.

Aren't w, x, and y natural subsets of v?

well, you are

1) you say you seem to have all this with someone, but you cannot be sure what they really feel or whether what they "feel" is the same intensity/direction as what you "feel". Furthermore, "sexual attraction" is nebulous. I can feel sexually attracted to someone but not want to sleep with them, for myriad reasons.

2) there can be "intangibles" in a romantic relationship, things that are based on an individual person's sense of comfort. I could throw out a ton of examples but it's not like you can change yourself to fit them, it just doesn't work that way. Better to find someone who has the same level of attraction to you that you do to them.

Discard "lying" immediately. That is almost never what is going on, and would be deeply insulting and hurtful to the person, if they knew.

Definitely missing some variables. A few that come to mind offhand:

a = timing
b = emotional baggage (fears, insecurities, guilt, past hurts)
c = circumstances
d = social/family influences/pressures

In other words, many factors that have nothing to do with you.

How you look and speak are important. I saw an episode of Family Guy yesterday where this pretty woman was available for dating but the crazy, ultra-political, irrelevant words spewing out of her mouth turned people off.

There is certainly more. Otherwise I would still be in a relationship. Not sure what they would be, but other people have pretty good answers.

I think I'm getting closer to creating the equation - solve for theta!

Theta = v + Z(n) * (ac/bd) (n is superscript)

where:
v= w+x+y
n=1/age (when age > 24)

a = timing
b = emotional baggage (fears, insecurities, guilt, past hurts)
c = circumstances
d = social/family influences/pressures

v= friendship
w= enjoy spending time together
x= respect/admiration
y= trust
z= sexual attraction

Therefore, as age approaches infinity Theta approaches the asymptote near v (friendship).

Need to have a similar interest...

b)there is something missing in the relationship equation


What you don't have in there is the very specific, individual and frequently subconscious psychological needs that people have when looking for a mate. According to shrinks, what many people are looking for is somebody who either recreates what they got in their childhood (and want more of) or felt was missing from their childhood (and wants to fill that hole). This is frequently subconscious and the only potential partner who will just flat out tell you what psychological need they are trying to fill are the ones who discovered it in therapy- and that's only if they feel like disclosing. Generally nobody is going to tell you ",y parents divorced when I was 8 and I am looking for stability with somebody who will never ever leave" or conversely "I felt smothered as a child and am looking for somebody completely the opposite of my mother/father". People just don't say that and won't even think it unless they had therapy but it is a huge factor.

LOL, I love it! However, in the interest of refining your model, may I suggest some revisions?

Z is not necessarily a function of (n), exponential or otherwise. My Aspie and I met when I was 22 and he was 29. I am now 38 and he is 45. Z was a very large number then, and remains the same very large number now. I mean, HUGE. Expressed in scientific notation. Only critically important, unavoidable things would interfere with sex, like a medical issue. My mom is 64 and quite the cougar. Older people are just as horny and have just as much sex as younger ones - maybe even more!

Also, v and z may be weighted differently, depending on the importance of each. That varies from relationship to relationship, and may change over time within one relationship, as it has in my case. Assuming the two weighting factors add up to 1, I'd say back then with my Aspie it was (.05)v + (.95)z. Now, I'd say it's closer to (0.4)v and (0.6)z. In my NT relationships, v has always been weighted much more strongly (0.8-0.9) than z (0.1-0.2), which I think is about average for most NT-NT relationships.

I'd also suggest (a*b*c*d), since dividing ac by bd strikes me as a bit arbitrary. All 4 may favor the development of a relationship, or they may all weigh against it. Each of a, b, c, d, should have each party's position factored in too.

For example, in my case, the timing (a) is ideal for me. However, my Aspie has some issues to work out. Timing (a) isn't good for him right now. My emotional baggage (b) is fairly minimal, but he still has some processing to do. Guilt over feeling like a bad parent, mainly. He'll get over it. Our circumstances (c) are both just right - we're both financially self-sufficient and live close by. We've had no deaths or illnesses in the family, job changes, or other major upheavals outside the usual demands of work. As for (d), neither of us give a damn about social pressures, like what our friends or ex-spouses think. Factor (d) may also be a positive: my mom likes him, and his mom likes me. They both wish we'd hurry up. So (a) and (b), on his side, are really the only factors holding things up.

This is fun! Hope this helps you refine the equation!

People tell me the same thing. So what? I think they under-analyze things, but I've never been so rude as to say so out loud.

Guys: most women over-analyze relationships, so if it has to be done, I find this a far more productive outlet than what most women do to soothe the pain, all while going in tiresome verbal circles: crying, drinking, binge-eating, shopping, seeking random hook-ups. and other self-destructive nonsense. Math is healthy and good for the soul.

LOVE THIS!

Anybody here read "An Abundance of Katherines"? because...relevant

I don't think those are all needed for everyone. I'm not a sexual person, so I could do without the sexual attraction.
But for most, it would seem a good rudimentary list.

[quote="waitykatie"][quote="JanJan"]I think I'm getting closer to creating the equation - solve for theta!

[b]Theta = v + Z(n) * (ac/bd)[/b] (n is superscript)

where:
v= w+x+y
n=1/age (when age > 24)

a = timing
b = emotional baggage (fears, insecurities, guilt, past hurts)
c = circumstances
d = social/family influences/pressures

v= friendship
w= enjoy spending time together
x= respect/admiration
y= trust
z= sexual attraction

Therefore, as age approaches infinity Theta approaches the asymptote near v (friendship).[/quote]
LOL, I love it! However, in the interest of refining your model, may I suggest some revisions?

I'd also suggest (a*b*c*d), since dividing ac by bd strikes me as a bit arbitrary. All 4 may favor the development of a relationship, or they may all weigh against it. Each of a, b, c, d, should have each party's position factored in too.

For example, in my case, the timing (a) is ideal for me. However, my Aspie has some issues to work out. Timing (a) isn't good for him right now. My emotional baggage (b) is fairly minimal, but he still has some processing to do. Guilt over feeling like a bad parent, mainly. He'll get over it. Our circumstances (c) are both just right - we're both financially self-sufficient and live close by. We've had no deaths or illnesses in the family, job changes, or other major upheavals outside the usual demands of work. As for (d), neither of us give a damn about social pressures, like what our friends or ex-spouses think. Factor (d) may also be a positive: my mom likes him, and his mom likes me. They both wish we'd hurry up. So (a) and (b), on his side, are really the only factors holding things up.

This is fun! Hope this helps you refine the equation![/quote]

I used ac/bd because I thought theta would be proportional to timing ( ie good timing = good relationship)
directly proportional to circumstances ( ie good circumstances = good relationship)
Theta is inversly proportional to baggage (ie more baggage = poor relationship) and inversely proportional to social pressures (ie inlaws hate you = bad relationship)

However I would subscribe to a visual analog scale with ratings from 0 to 2 where 1 is neutral, 0 is worst, and 2 represents best, and we could use your factor of (a*b*c*d).
0----------1----------2
bad---- neutral----best