Why I am Not autistic.

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Why I am not autistic.

Very recently I had a new friend tell me that she thinks I’m autistic. This person is on the spectrum herself and is very intelligent, so in some way her judgment is good but I often wonder about her accuracy with judging my actions and the social world. She has good reason to suspect something, but I’m lost on what to think. Deep down, I feel like I don’t have it. I can not afford to get a professional assessment, so that won’t be happening unless it becomes necessary. I do not think I will be convinced that I do or don’t have it; some kind of very visible, proven scientific evidence would need to exist. And no, I won’t just forget and accept whatever; this is my idea of FUN and EXCITEMENT. Also it’s kind of stressing me out…and I want to KNOW. Also, does anyone know what autism REALLY IS?

And so here are some things I’ve noticed and possible reasons:

****Avoiding eye contact : I did this at a young age and I’ve been told that I do it now. When I was in school, I used to sit shoulders hunched and show “avoidance behaviors” and not interact with people.
- I always figured I did this because it was too painful to see a person’s reaction sometimes or..
- I was very nervous as a child and making eye contact is a way to catch someone’s attention and I didn’t want to be noticed..but…..
- Did I really KNOW to look at a person when interacting?
- Why was I scared in the first place?
Sometimes I look at someone and if they open their eyes wide, I feel a twinge in my eyelids as if wanting to mimic them.
- Is this ..a form of empathy that autistics supposedly lack? (On that same note, I sometimes mimic people..or at least I think I'm the one doing the mimicing. When I notice this, which I often do, I always move quickly or fix the situation so that we aren't sitting or moving the same way or whatever... It makes me uncomfortable.)
- But I know that I can develop reactions to a variety of stimuli… And seeing someone widen their eyes makes me exceptionally nervous. I’ve even avoided eye contact for fear or feeling panicy if someone makes a face. Is that..weird? But I do not always fear eye contact. So am I feeling empathy and overreacting or afraid because I’m unable to fully understand?
- I once responded to someone in a library that was talking..possibly on his phone. I didn’t look at this person but a quick glance. Hopefully the people around me assumed I was just saying my thoughts quietly aloud or something.
- I sometimes fear speaking if a person is not looking at me and if they don’t look at me, some part of me assumes they can’t hear.

****Mutism : I’ve noticed a lot of people here say they experience/ed mutism or selective mutism. Up until about highschool, I really didn’t speak at all at school aside from speaking into the ears of select others. Why? I’ve honestly no idea. And it’s always bothered me to not know, especially considering I have some pretty bad problems with this even now. So I guess the two big questions here are:
- Did I not speak because I was an overwhelmed autistic kid?
- Did I not speak because I was born more anxious and sensitive than the normal kid?
- Is it something that someone said to me or some mistake I made and was embarrassed by that I do not remember yet it somehow spiraled out of control? I really just don’t remember anything that could have set me off like that.
I still have issues speaking. Still have a fear that keeps me from saying things… And this leads nicely into the next topic (or, at least one of the little points below it).

****OCD And other repetitive, perfect, routineness.: So, I’m going to assume that the autism often causes sensitivities that lead to a person trying to keep things orderly and predictable in order to avoid irritation/irritability and uncomfortable..er..stuff.
My OCness has gotten “worse’ over time. In some ways it is a good thing and in other ways it has been annoying. When I am stressed now-a-days, I am much more likely to start repeating the same stuff over and over again in my head (like, mostly ideas and sentences). However, I do this even when I’m feeling just fine. I’ll repeat a sentence in my head while daydreaming about explaining things to people.

Sooo.. OCD can come out of autism, but I know that autism isn’t at all necessary for it to exist.

-I regret all social mistakes or perceived social mistakes and tend to think about them more often than what I think is healthy or normal. If I wrote something in a school paper or said something 4 years ago, I still might have thought about it just today and cursed myself over it.
- I refused to wear jeans as a kid because of how they felt. And I dressed awfully, picking things that covered me well and were soft versus stuff that looked good.

****Obsessions : Supposedly a lot of autistic individuals have obsessions, but the thing is, a lot of loner, stay-at-home types obsess as well.
- To my knowledge, I did not have obsessions as a child that were unusual or extreme. I did like or collect things at various times but nothing weird.
- Lately, I do obsess on some things, but usually not to the point where I cannot apply the information to myself.

I do the routine thing as well. I sometimes feel like my whole day is upset if I run out of the same food I eat every single day. It’s not an issue if I plan to go somewhere else, but I carefully picked the things I feel as best for me to eat, and I want to eat them…

****Facial Expressions, social..crap. :
- I took a test recently on judging fake and real smiles. There were 20 small video clips and on the first try, I scored a 19 correct out of 20. And the one I missed, I had doubts over. This was supposedly above average, not what you’d expect from someone with autism?
- However, I have spent loads of time reading about facial expressions and such. The above was never done to really gain information thinking I didn’t know expressions. I know what motions to look for specifically on a face in order to tell if a smile is faked. Would I do this in person or think about it or naturally catch it? I’m not 100% positive but believe I’d do fairly well.
- Maybe I don’t understand some social language just because I’ve ended up being so isolated.
- I took another test that showed people greeting each other. I could NOT tell if the two were friends or meeting for the first time. Don’t know what the average score was, but I failed horribly. It’s worth noting that this test could have simply been sh***y.
- So, assume maybe I can instinctively read facial expressions. That wouldn’t necessarily mean that everything in my mind was still firing off normally whenever I saw someone do something or smile at me. Therefore, still not convinced.
- I often feel nervous or don’t say things quickly enough. So, I may decide I want to say something and then panic trying to find the right moment to speak. Am I panicing because of simple social anxiety and lack of experience or because I’m “working differently” or too in my own head? And when it comes out, sometimes I realize that the volume or tone or something was off. Am I realizing because I am not autistic or doing it and then realizing because I AM?
- Person asks simple question about something I’m buying at the store. And I don’t know what to say becaussseee.. First of all, I’m buying the item for something it was not intended for and probably hasn’t even been bought at that store for the same purpose. It’s intended purpose can’t be explained quickly, and not without sounding weird. I don’t like lying. I’m trying to think of what to say and finally tell the person that I don’t yet know what I’m going to do with the item. Luckily, that was a kind of acceptable response for this item. But I was completely caught off guard by the question.
- Someone asked me how I was and I said fine. I thought of asking the same thing back to them but I wasn’t sure about it so said nothing.
- I do not know how to join a conversation. I feel like I’m not quick enough..there’s just so much talking and it’s really scary to think about accidentally speaking at the same time as someone else. Is this just from anxiety?
- Once, everyone was supposed to get in groups of two or three or something to work on a project. I just sat there and decided not to. No one complained at least
- I’ve given erm “creative” answers to multiple choice and simple fill-in-the blank assignments in college. Including just simply not answering stuff that I didn’t think was necessary to answer.
- I remember specifically telling a teacher (back when I was only 7 or so) which expression meant what and mentioning a girl in my class that I thought couldn’t make the facial expressions correctly. So, I think they had probably tested me for autism in their own way...?

****Interests
- I always greatly enjoyed listening to music. I liked it so much that I’d listen to my favorite song repeatedly to the point where my dad was just amazed that I could still listen to it.
- Something not autistic at all…?. I prefer movies that center around speech and human interaction and emotion with little visual action. I like seeing expressions and human interaction. I have a hard time following action or getting interested in movements on screen. This applies to video games as well that I am not used to. I often lose my character on screen if there’s too much going on. I have trouble tracking where I am, etc to the point where I almost can’t play some of those fancy 3D games.

Also, I have a close relative with asperger's.
Great. I know I missed stuff here but I’ve just been typing for so long. I know at least someone will want to read this though. I would, anyway…. So, your opinions and thoughts would be appreciated. (What a mess.....)

Last edited by A_floating_moon on 04 Jun 2012, 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I want to talk about a bunch of specific points in your post, but there are just too many, so I'm just going to say a few things.

The most important is this: no two people with Autism have the same exact symptoms. For example, on a facial expression recognition test, I scored 4/36, while many other people on this forum with Autism scored within normal range, or even above it, like you did for the facial expression test you did. With the test I took, it was multiple choice, and for pretty much all of them I felt like -none- of the answers were even close to correct.

So while I have a big problem in reading faces, but much fewer issues with rituals, someone else on the autism spectrum might have little difficulty with faces but very very rigid rituals, having to do mostly the same stuff every day. Or, while I am HEAVILY into my special interests (life is literally dedicated to the main one at this point), another person on the spectrum may have no real special interests, or they may have just had them when they were a kid. Or, they might have special interests and have no idea that their interest in whatever thing is vastly different from what a neurotypical person would have.

Another thing, on the OCD point - for me, OCD stuff is not about taking away irritating things, but rather, it is a totally illogical need - requirement - compulsion - to do something. These are things where I feel like if I don't do them, something REALLY bad is going to happen (no idea what it is, just something really bad).

I identify with many of the things you said, such as not talking at school, daily routine (more when I was a kid - now it's all routines based off of trigger events like packing or setting up all of my music gear - or if I don't do certain things myself, like I always do, it throws the whole day off). You do have tons of points that make me think it's quite possible that you're on the autism spectrum - at the same time, there is really no way to be sure without a professional, official diagnosis. At the same time, the professionals can still mess up and misdiagnose people.

I suggest taking some online quizzes and such, like the AQ test ( http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html ) - the threshold for Aspergers/Autism is 32 - my score was 48. These will probably help you figure things out. Keep in mind though, they are not definitive - they're no substitute for a professional diagnosis - they are simply tools - whether it shows you as autistic or not, it could be wrong.

I also strongly suggest that you read through some threads here on WP - these will give you the perspectives of many many autistic people, which will help you figure out whether you have things in common or not - if you identify with a lot of posts, there's a good chance you're on the spectrum, I'd say.

And whether you're autistic or not, you're welcome here.

Your post is very long and hard to read through. Looks like you've been thinking about this a lot. Why not try some of those tests listed in the sticky above? Then you'll be more certain. People can't possibly diagnose you from one post you wrote. A proper diagnosis tests a lot of things and they observe how you do them as well.

Give it time. Now that you have something to keep an eye out for it will become clear over time as your observations stack up. For me it took 3/4 years to come to the point where i embrace and do not doubt that i am autistic. For others it might take less time or much longer. Do not expect to figure it out in months. If you had no previous knowledge of the autistic spectrum then getting a feeling for what it truly entails will take years of reading on it and analyzing your own experiences in a different way then you did or did not do at all before. It goes a lot deeper then comparing yourself to checklists of symptoms. For a person who feels like they fall in between the autistic world and neurotypical it can be especially confusing. What it comes down to is that you will create your own definition of what it means to be on the spectrum, things that are not found on wikipedia or mentioned on the forum but do play a role in how you experience your life. I feel out of place on wrongplanet also.

Unless your friend is' a doctor the only thing she can do is tell you her opinion. Someone told me he thought I had AS and knew I had AS, which is what led to me going to the dr. You can take tests online, you can post here, you can ask a thousand people without degrees or special training, but the only way you will know for sure is to see a doctor.

If you don't think you have it, and it isn't impacting your life, then don't worry about it. You have nothing to prove to us, we can't tell you either way. We can neither confirm nor deny based on something you write.

If you don't think you have it, and symptoms are impacting your life, then you should see a doctor to find out what they actually are and what can be done about them.

I have depression. I've had it and been aware of it for a very long time. Much longer than I've been aware of my AS. I recognize my depression when it starts again and I know what meds I need from my doctor to make it better. I may or may not recognize depression in others. I may think that someone else is depressed when they really have some other disorder going on. My recommendations for antidepressants may do nothing for them. I am only an expert on my depression, just as your friend is only an expert on her own AS or whatever it is she has on the spectrum.

I may take an online test that says I do not have depresssion, even though professionals have said I do. I may take an online test that says I'm bipolar, schizophrenic, antisocial, psychotic, etc even though professionals have said I am not. I may take an online test that confirms my AS, which has been diagnosed by a professional, or I may take one that says I do not have AS.

In other words, speculation is pointless unless it will lead to a diagnosis, and only iif the symptoms are impacting your life, or you really, really want to know.

Hello Floating Moon: some of what you describe seems to be common traits of those with asperger's but I agree with others here that it would be helpful for you to read through the posts on this board and see if you can identify with what others are saying. I also think the online tests are helpful in discovering traits you may not have realized before are "typical" asperger traits. Of course not everyone with aspergers will have every asperger trait.

Your new friend may be more perceptive than most if she is indeed on the spectrum herself. How do interact with her? Also, what was your relationship with your parents and siblings like? This can sometimes help in figuring things out.

Maybe I'm under the sway of postmodernism but if you say you're not, you're not.

Then again, that was a pretty long list you posted.

I'd recommend taking the RAADS-R test, too. One of the most reliable out there. Here's the corresponding WP thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt164094.html (You can compare your score to others)


In the meantime, an online version of the test had been prepared by one of the forum members:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt188190.html


Now the online RAADS-R test is accessible here (take it and then look in the threads for comparison):

http://www.aspietests.org/ (the first test in the list, you don't have to register if you don't want to)


In general, I'd agree with the other posters. It could be an ASD, but it also could be something else, such a social anxiety, PTSD, etc.

Thanks you guys.
And Atomsk,
it's interesting how your ocd differs so much from how I feel mine is.

I've actually been reading on here hours a day for the past month or so. Some things I can relate to and some I can't, but it's easy for me to pick out a lot of little details that I can at least semi-relate to. So, I guess I wanted to see if people here could relate to me. I've been thinking about all this stuff with no feedback for a while now.

On the wired test, I scored 32. And the cut-off was at 32.
I've taken these tests before and I feel like they don't tell me much.

I hadn't taken the RAADS-R, but I can't remember exactly how I was when I was under 16. Also, some questions ask me to compare my feelings with those of other people and I don't know how I'm supposed to guess at that stuff.
114.0 9.0 50.0 22.0 33.0
So.. that was my score on that. Kind of puts me in the middle it seems.

Editing post down a bit so that it's..smaller.

Sorry, don't mean to be a dick, but I thought this was funny.

But more seriously, why does it matter to you if you have it or not? Uhh, if you mentioned this in the first post, sorry I have ADD.

So to reply to this annoyingly late..

No clue why you find that funny, foodeater.
I care because I have had problems my whole life that have created major issues for me currently and I've always wondered "why?". And because I'm obsessed with how my mind works. It seems extremely important to find out as much about myself as possible.