Do you think I have AS? (Ridiculously long post, sorry!)

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Oh hi,

TL;DR:This is pretty much my life story. I'm trying to figure out if I have AS, and I'd love your feedback if you have the time and energy to read this. However, if you don't, I just wanted to warn you up front.

I am a European male in my early twenties, but have lived in the U.S. for the last ~1.5 years. I'm visiting this forum mainly because I've just recently started seriously entertaining the thought that I might have Asperger's, so I'm reading up on it in my spare time while waiting for the next appointment with my therapist.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2006, with panic disorder in 2007, and with ADHD in early 2012. The two first diagnoses I expected, but the third I really didn't. I had never even considered ADHD a possibility, but once my therapist convinced me to entertain the thought and read up on it, I realized she was right. It just kind of "clicked" - large parts of my life started making a lot more sense.

I see a therapist for my ADHD - learning time management, working on self-confidence, etc. It has been very helpful. But the more I think about it, I feel like ADHD doesn't explain it all.

Recently, I got to know a girl my age at work. We've worked in the same (very small) office for a long time, but have rarely talked to one another. We get along very well, since we've both kind of been outsiders our entire lives, and we've always felt odd. She said she thinks she might have AS, and as she said that I immediately remembered scoring "You're very likely an Aspie" on that online test several years ago back when I was first diagnosed with depression in high school. I remember not wanting to believe I could have anything as "serious" as AS (or ADHD, for that matter), so I never mentioned the test result and didn't investigate it further at the time. I took my antidepressants and ran, 'cause I didn't want to be diagnosed as "even weirder".

Since I got my ADHD diagnose recently, I've learned to cope with the fact that I actually am different from most people, that there's a name and an explanation for it. I guess I've matured enough, finally. Therefore, I wanted to take that AS test again. So I did - it wasn't very hard to find, even after such a long time (bless Google!) - and here's what it said:

Your Aspie score: 136 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 62 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

This in itself obviously wasn't enough, so I started browsing forum threads. And, uhm, after also reading about the experiences of others diagnosed with AS, I now strongly suspect having it. Especially the "You Might be an Aspie if..." thread. Oh my. My best guess right now is that I have mild ADHD mixed with mild AS. But then again, I am but a layman.

I'm an intelligent, well-spoken, and competent young man. I'm pretty witty, and often make people laugh. I have an impressive resume for my age and education level, and I make a comfortable living. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to really hit it off with most people. (It's not like I have no friends, though, just not too many.)

People often think I'm weird, or they like me fine as an acquantaince, but it's hard for me to make and keep close(r) friends. Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm the one keeping the distance or if they are. When it comes to weird, it's something I think almost everyone that knows me would agree with. However, the opinions vary between weird-funny and weird-creepy/offensive. I constantly embarrass myself by not thinking before I speak - I'll either make inappropriate jokes or overstep boundaries due to uncontrollable curiosity -, I hate eye contact and phone conversations, I constantly question my own lack of empathy and thus seem to alternate between embracing it (and acting like a morally bankrupt rear end) and desperately trying to change. I have also been told that I (unknowingly) make weird faces a couple dozen times throughout my life, and that people can't tell when I'm being ironic/sarcastic. I hear the phrase "You're joking, right?" way too often.

I obsess like crazy about every girl I start liking. It's insane. The emotions are almost overbearing way too early into the relationship, I don't think straight and end up f*****g it up. Once I've gotten over somebody, I'm always amazed by and often even afraid of how irrational my attachment to this person was. These emotional rollercoasters, in combination with my aforementioned sometimes unexplainable lack of empathy, never end well. There's not a single ex of mine that I'm on friendly terms with.

There's also that thing about trains and buses. I am absolutely fascinated by public transportation, especially subway systems. I went to NYC for a month when I was 18, and I spent a considerable portion of the time just riding the subway around until I had memorized a pretty big part of the system. After spending less than a week there, I was regularly giving directions to tourists and helping them find their trains.

Outside of work, most of my life is a complete mess and I can't take care of myself very well. I don't sleep enough, I sleep irregularly, eat irregularly, smoke cigarettes and cannabis on a daily basis, and drink a few nights a week. I've done this for a long time. This is important to mention, as it obviously has affected me and probably not made me any better. I try halfheartedly to quit or slow it down sometimes, but I don't think I actually believe I can.

The weird thing is that my ideal has always been sharp routines. I would LOVE control, routine and order, but I can't handle it. I daydream my life away, and am a very passive person. I spend most nights ducking social opportunities to pace around my apartment in circles for hours and hours, mostly daydreaming or trying to dissect social situations from earlier that I feel I should've handled differently. Sometimes, I'll make it out of my apartment. Sometimes, I'll even take initiative! It's just way too seldom.

I feel like I'm wasting away. And the more I try to act normal, grow up and get my life together, the more I feel like it's all an act. I'm insanely insecure about all of this, but manage to hide it pretty well most of the time. It was just a week ago somebody last told me I come off as fairly confident, and I was completely shocked. My first thought was "Is it working THAT well?", and I immediately felt ashamed of deliberately pretending to be someone I'm not.

PLEASE - give me your thoughts. I need them. I've never talked to anyone about this, and I would love feedback. Even if you're (most likely) not qualified to diagnose, I would love to hear your amateur judgment if you're diagnosed with AS and/or ADHD.

My two direct questions, if anyone feels inclined to answer:

- Do you guys think it's a good idea to tell a psychologist that you yourself think you have AS, or could that be detrimental to your progress, or to his/her possibility of objectively assessing you? Like, could this influence a psychologist to subjectively want to prove you right or wrong?
- Am I just emulating this because I want an excuse for the rest of my "off" behavior, is it some form of hypochondria? Or is it just the drugs talking?

I hope you're all having a great night, and that someone will actually read this through!

Regards,
IUPO

Two posts on the forum, and the second one is placed in the wrong forum category. Sorry! I meant to place this in the "General Autism Discussion" category!

If a mod/admin would move it, I'd greatly appreciate it!

As far as it goes, if you are seeing a professional therapist of some sort, I would think it a good idea to discuss your suspicions with him or her. Just remember that whether you have it or not does not change who you are. It just explains some of your eccentricities and shows you a path to personal improvement in some areas. I would also consider discussing OCD as well. Your need for control and difficulty letting go of minor attractions could also indicate this as well.

Now as far as possibly emulating autistic/aspergic behaviors, that is something no one on this forum can say you are doing for certain. You would need to consult a professional about this suspicion too. It is something I have questioned myself and have thus deferred to trusted friends and family who have known me for many years to help with the diagnosis. In my case, most of them think I may be on to something. However, you will have to educate them as to what Aspergers Syndrome is before they can make an educated guess as to whether they think it describes you or not.

Remember too that people's personalities develop and change over time depending on how an individual adapts to their environment. Thus, if you are on the spectrum, you can still learn and adapt to live a fairly normal life. You will just have to learn how to do things consciously that normal people do intuitively, like reading body language. It may be that you never end up being average, but why would you want to be? Average is boring.

As far as it goes, I am in a similar place to where you are. I am trying to self-diagnose a fairly complex issue using whatever free resources are available to me but have yet to consult a mental health professional about my suspicions. Ultimately though, the only way to be certain is to consult a person specializing in this disorder. It can be very difficult to be objective about yourself since your emotions can cloud your judgement.

heya i was diagnosed with high-functioning autism when i was 16 and now I'm almost 18 being diagnosed meant i understood things i didn't before. Things clicked together. that relationship thing you mentioned sounds like me - i fall hard.

I think lots of people have autistic traits, either way you're a unique person.

Also maybe your addictive habits with the cocaine etc. are a way of coping with things,

you'll never guess what helps me with my autism? (seriously people don't even know I have it) My diet! Its why i think nutrition is linked to autism, ever since i turned vegan i have been so much better (gluten has something to do with it too???)

it sounds like such a little thing people hardly believe it - but i say try it u might be surprised

x

Hey there,

well as the test you took said you are very likely as aspie. It is a difficult situation though. Just newly diagnosed myself and a professional in the field - i find it really hard to be objective. The actual test itself ADOS and ADI-R (are the best) are also very subjective.
Get a professional that specialises in ASD and even then you may not be totally convinced.
They are changing the criteria for inclusion with the advent of the new diagnostic and statistical manual - aspergers will be merged with autism.
So it may be harder for high functioning people to be diagnosed in the future.
Basically as my pscyhologist said - it comes down to this. It depends how severely you are effected.
At the low end it is considered a disability at the high end its more of a difference.
if getting a diagnosis helps you to feel better, by explaining your idiosyncrasities, or giving you directions to look for help then great.
At the end of the day you may like me be questioning the validity of the test and the practictioner who tested you.
Diagnosis is just a label - some people are pigeonholed by this and it is a bad thing for them, others are freed by it.
For me i felt great to be able to explain why I was the way I was and to choose what parts of me I wish to keep Awetistic and which parts to try to work on.
Diagnosis may only the beginning of a journey of self discovery - its not necessarily an end in and of itself.
I am glad I got a diagnosis - it doesnt explain everything but it does suit me to think of myself as Awetistic, I have developed a lot more confidence and self respect from the process of diagnosis. What im trying to say is whatever makes sense to you and works for you - go with that.

I definately would try to cut out the cannabis, as this could be affecting you more than you think and could be making it even harder to be objective. I know when I was smoking daily I could feel its subtle after-effects during the day even though I only smoked at night. Quiting didn't make me any better at socialising but at least I can rule it out.

Welkome to WP

Mick

Just wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to read and respond to this! =)

I'm meeting with my therapist later today, and have decided I will bring my suspicions up and see what her take on it might be. In regards to whether it'd make a difference if I knew, I'll go with an absolute yes. My ADHD diagnose has helped me tremendously, especially with slowly learning to accept myself. Therefore, if my suspicions are correct, I'd very much like to know.

Thanks for all your tips and thoughts, I really appreciate it!

Yeah, I do feel like this is one of the worst things I do. Obviously, habitual daily cannabis smoking probably isn't helpful to anyone with a psychological condition, and I'm doing my best to tone it down.

Do you have any tips for someone who has failed quitting several times before? Perhaps you didn't get that deep into it, since I know it's a pretty easy habit to kick for most people, but I'm very addicted to it. I go insane from irritation if I go without it for one day, and it's not unusual I'm at the point of almost crying after two.