What's the point of living...

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Who said living has to have a point?

Living is the point. Living is everything we've ever known, everything we have any way of knowing about, every point we can have or hope for. And it's our imagining of things we can't have, and our regret for things we used to have, and our speculations about what others have. The joy and the sorrow and the terror and the nameless dread in the middle of the night and the laughter and the soothing of a spring breeze under a blue sky. It's the hole we want to crawl into, and the holes we claw our way out of.

Well if living is the point, then the point is how you live right? Since my life pretty much sucks, then what is the point of living?


Holy crap this is getting way too confusing.

I'm not suicidal, but ever since risperdal has gotten into my life nothing feels real to me anymore. I feel dumb, slow, fatigue and now have much more trouble talking to people. I have so much anger in me now it's unbelievable.

For some reason I get these episodes where I get the urge to commit homicide and suicide, but the thing is I don't want to. But it's as if my body gets a strong urge to do so, even when I have these episodes I don't want to commit homicide or suicide. I feel as if my body will do certain actions with me having no control over it, which I'm scared of.

Maybe you should consider getting of the risperdal, at least talk to the doctor about it if its having more detrimental effects than positive.

Intrestingly enough I kind of get like that if my PTSD gets set of except its not necessarily direct suicide or homicide I am thinking of. More like an uncontrollable urge to do something stupid, violent or both. Last one I remember I wanted to jump off my friends front deck on the next car that drove by and destroy the windsheild(stupid and maybe more ridiculous than violent) because for some reason I was getting freaked out about the amount of cars driving by I was already having a panic attack induced by thinking of things that triggered an extreme reaction and lack of impulse control. It seemed to take more energy not jumping off the deck than having done so. I worry about that because I wonder if I'll be able to control it the next time. I already cannot control sudden reactions to noises and such which is annoying as hell and embarrassing in public.

The thing is, I'm not on it. It has permanently made me this way, well aside from certain periods of time when things feel real which has only recently started to happen, but is pretty rare. The first time I was put on it, I had the same effects (unrealness, lack of intelligence, etc.) and when I was put off of it, it took me several months for everything to return to normal again. But then I was put on it a 2nd time, around September or whenever I was taken off of it but I'm still feeling the same way I was when I was on it. Nothing interests me anymore, everything has become boring and tasteless.

it sounds like something you should consult your doctor about. The clinical name for it is depersonalization or derealization disorder. I suffer from it too but have never gotten help for it.