I wish I could say this to him

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. . . but I don't know if I should, or how much of it, or when I would even have the chance.

Many of you know the back story. I had a year-long romance with this AS guy 16 years ago. I left the country, returned, and we have slowly become friends over the last few years. We are both divorced. Our feelings and desire are as strong as they ever were. He has intimated repeatedly that I'm a better match for him than any of the others he wound up with. He agrees with me that we never should have let each other go.

3 months ago, he met me for lunch to explain that his divorce, which took 2 1/2 years, was finalized in December. We had planned to get physical, but he backed out. He said he had some kind of mental block, feels unsettled, and didn't want to just throw caution to the wind. I pointed out that taking up with me is the safest possible situation he could ask for. I could see that nothing would change his mind, at least that day, so I didn't push. Yet he seemed surprised, when I pointed out that he's all over the map, and changes his mind all the time.

There are two kids and visitation is going ok. They are important to him, but he seems to regard it as a duty or a chore rather than something he really looks forward to. His ex-wife is awful to him (ex-drug addict, current alcoholic), but he says dealing with her "can be managed." He is only very slowly accepting that she isn't a good person, and never was.

I've texted him a few times since then, but I've gotten no response. In the past, he has misinterpreted my requests for a little interaction as pressure, provoking a meltdown and wild overreaction - with exceedingly damaging results for me. So when I get no response, I'm silently thankful that I didn't get 3 paragraphs of grievously misplaced bile and vitriol, and wait at least a month or two before I try again.

But I have been waiting for years now, for him to get his act together. What I do not think he understands, and would like to say, is something like this:

I would send it, but that's me. I've grown increasingly frustrated for you with all of your threads and your responses to people in a similar situation. I think your Aspie's problem isn't just limitations due to being a kind-hearted Aspie but lots and lots of emotional abuse that he has no way of dealing with, regardless of how much patience and kindness you (or anyone) throw at him.

It's harsh to say, but he seems "done" to me. There is no fixing him. Write him off. Move on with your life, cherishing the good things about him but always keeping close in your heart the ways that he simply cannot meet your needs.

I used to be the type of person that would explore every single avenue, every morsel of good faith to "save" a relationship. Over time I've learned that some aren't worth saving, and some were never "relationships" in the truest, most egalitarian sense. I've also been in his position in the demise of a marriage, and it takes years and years to recover from it, if it ever happens.

Send it, but only if you're willing to walk away, as though you've just thrown a lit match on dry leaves. Do not expect this to make him come around in a grand (or even feeble) gesture.

I wish I could say something more encouraging.

Perhaps rewording it to turn it into a VERY obvious "one last chance"...? It'll have the same end goal of ending things if he won't step up to the plate, but make it plainly obvious that he has one last chance to make things right before things become too complicated to recover from.

And it gives YOU one last chance to get 'im, too.

....now that I read it a little closer, It pretty much says exactly that! (Nice writing, by the way!) For us guys who can't take a hint, may I suggest making the direct invitation to the exact relationship you want? No hints - spell it out so he knows what he's getting into. I know I would be over-thinking the situation into a complete brain burn-out considering the many possible outcomes of taking a risk on a relationship with someone where pain was involved (like when you left long ago...)

I'll cross my fingers for you - good luck!

On one hand, he's in a phase, and I know he will move through it. I've known him for much of his adult life, so I've seen him do it before. He needs to be alone in those phases, but once he's finished, he needs to be in a relationship. During the times he can give me nothing else, it's the one thing that makes me confident that he'll come around eventually.

But in the meantime, life goes on. The world keeps turning, and I can't take much more of this. I've considered that getting a bit pissed with him may be helpful. I loathed doing it, but I did lose it and say this like this a few times back then. He seemed to accept it and respond to it. Weirdly, he seems to think I am weak now, because so far I've refused to. What I regard as an undignified lack of self-control, he seems to regard as the "strength" he likes in his women. I've worked hard to convey a sense of calm, security, stability, and predictability. But the fact that I seem like a sure thing, I think is actually part of the problem.

I don't understand his methods.... I'd call it "weird" but I suppose we all have our weird ways around here.

I guess I would ask everyone to just accept that the internal dynamics between us are very much worth it. He's an amazing guy, and we were amazing together, and I don't think he's done or unfixable. It's not that there is genuine disrespect. It's just a WTF? moment here and there. So I am not willing to walk just yet, but he needs to get moving pretty soon here. Within a few months.

Sounds like it's time for me to stop being a passive sweetie, and maybe start taking control. But I'm at a loss. How? Getting a letter like this in front of him sounds like a good start. But we don't use email, it's too long for a text message, he won't talk to me on the phone, and he just moved so I don't know his home address. I once mailed a letter to him at his office. He read the whole thing and didn't mind at all. But it felt REALLY weird and I REALLY do not want to do that again. Any suggestions?

Please cut me some slack, mv. I can't describe every detail of every interaction. Some of the input I get here is applicable. Some of it isn't. Just because I don't respond doesn't mean I don't think it over, as the days and weeks go by.

I'm the one in the situation, I'm the one who knows him personally (BTW, thank you BlueMax, for saying he doesn't make sense to you either!), and I'm the one who has to make the judgment. I've invested a lot, so I'm not going to just scrap it, in the absence of a rock solid reason. In his own ways, that are impossible to describe, he has reassured me that he wants what I want. I believe him. It's never been an issue of "what," but rather an issue of "when."

More importantly, I've had enough and I want to do something about it. I hate the sense that I'm wasting my life too. The hope and love and magic and all that crap can come later. Right now I'm looking for insight as to concrete things within my control, that I can change, that might help get him off his duff.

mv: you're right that it isn't just limitations due to being a kind-hearted Aspie but lots and lots of emotional abuse, regardless of how much patience and kindness anyone throws at him. He is scared, and needs time. How much time, is the question.

Right: if "when" is 20 years from now, obviously that's a deal-breaker, and I'll be long gone. But he once told me, "maybe 3 or 4 years from now." That was a bit over 3 years ago. At the time, I thought "oh boy, that does NOT work for me," and we didn't talk for 2 1/2 years. I had plenty of other things to deal with in the meantime, and a 1-year relationship that didn't go anywhere. So by now, he's basically right on track. I am just impatient, and would like it to be closer to 3 years than to 4.

I appreciate your kindness and your patience. I know that just listening to someone in a situation like this is taxing. (Imagine my poor mother! But first I helped her though her own, so she kind of owes me. )

You've given this man years of chances. What if he one day does decide to have a relationship with you but then rejects you possibly over and over again. How much more will that hurt when you've been intimate, or got married. I've seen this scenario play out in my own family and it's unhealthy. You state basic needs, both physical and emotional and not only does the other person fail to respond but they make you feel as if you are at fault for requesting those things. I often can't respond but I am able to acknowledge that it is my failure and not my partners.

So after years of waiting the man you love won't talk to you on the phone and didn't give you his address when he moved. Most people know their new address before they move and give it to those they want to have it. You say he is going through a phase, but surely even if you were in a relationship he might go into phases again and again.

I'm sorry if this is harsh or too direct I'm afraid I'm not great at subtlety. If this situation had been going on for a few months I would say persevere, but this has been years. You deserve someone who actually wants to have a relationship with you. You could carry on like this for years into the future and find yourself in exactly the same position as you are now.

I don't know whether you should send the letter or not, I don't know what would happen and I don't like to give advice when I can't guess at the outcome. I think you should have a think about the outcome you want, and the likelihood of that ever being a reality.

BlueMax: I appreciate your "one last chance" rewording suggestions (and thank you for the compliment and good wishes!) He responds well to pushy women (like his hothead Italian mother? who has nonetheless been supportive of him all these years), and once even invited me to push him. I have wondered if I am waiting for him to get over his mental block and feel more settled, all while he is waiting for me to take charge. When I consider how he may perceive me, I'm not sure who is waiting for who here.

I have already given considerable thought to your suggestion of making the "direct invitation to the exact relationship you want? No hints - spell it out so he knows what he's getting into." He has absolutely over-thought it into a complete brain burn-out. Most of what I've expressed has been allusions to the old days, and vague "we'll figure it out together" kind of stuff. Given my character, I think it's obvious what he'd be getting into - but then, he's a rotten judge of character.

If I were to spell it out, I might say something like this: "Aside from the sex and the love, of which there would be copious amounts, as you know, this is what I bring to the table. I can be a partner, to help you deal with people, to interact with the world. I hate people almost as much as you do, but I know how to keep them off your case. I also think you need help developing a relationship with your kids as they get older, since your ex did that before, but now she just wants to hurt you. Your nannies and babysitters keep lying about their references and flaking out on you, but your kids need stability and security, without strangers revolving in and out. Help with their homework and a friendly face to come home to, especially considering how much business travel you have to do. Likewise, there are many ways you can take care of me too, such as, help with the financial messes my f***ed-up family left me with, like a place to live and a car. Relatively minor, compared to your income, but huge in my world. You are also a great cook and never let me leave the house without a decent breakfast, which, frankly, I've never had since. You know things I don't, that I want you to teach me. I know things you don't, that I can teach you. We are also both athletic and like nature, and could go hiking and do all kinds of fun outdoorsy things. In all kinds of little ways, we could have fun and protect and take care of each other."

I have never said anything remotely like that, because it's just so obvious. But maybe not, so maybe I should?