Aspie, 55 -- Understanding Required!

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I am high functioning and so have overcome and/or compensated for many autistic traits over the years. These days, most people have no idea I am an Aspie. In fact, in most kinds of relationship I can "outperform" most NTs. However, there are some things that I would like a better understanding of.
1. I think that blubbing is ridiculous. It's so victimy. With blubbers, I fake patient consideration until they regain some composure. Could I handle such sitiations any better, as I don't like the fakery?
2. I do shed the occasional tear though. Film scenes of real love bring tears to my eyes. And, when I show real love to others, this also can bring a tear to my eyes. My ex-partner gets very concerned with my tears saying "what's wrong", which just interferes with me enjoying my private sentimantal moments because there is nothing wrong. What does this say about me, and about her?
3. I'm still not sure about the best way of handling manipulation, especially passive-aggression, and especially manipulative use of voice tone. I find all kinds of manipulation very annoying and/or irritating. To my ex-partner, I say, "tone of voice", "tone of voice", but she doesn't seem to understand that I wish for her to make her requests calmly and without unconscious manipulation. Sometimes I "mirror" what is going on with counter-manipulations, which manipulators hate (and I quite enjoy because they can't get the better of me). My latest idea is to say very assertively and repeatedly (if necesssary), "I think that your complaints are groundless". I think that this will probably work in shuttting down irrational manipulation, but I would like a nicer way of getting quickly to outcomes liked by everyone. Any suggestions?
4. I cannot/won't be manipulated, but I sometimes think there might be better ways of handling manipulation.

I did not find out I was an Aspie until I was over 60. It sure explained a lot. The reality is that if you are autistic, your brain is wired differently. While NTs do things intuitively, we use empirical observation to learn proper reactions and responses. We live in a different world than they do. The NT emotions and feelings come from their amygdalas, we use our temporal lobes. So yes we can get along just fine in their world but it is their world and we are adjusting to it. We are conforming to the NT culture. I worked in large corporations for 20 plus years and worked my way up the ladder to a very nice position using empirical thinking. But it is not the same thing as what the NTs do. I will give you an example from my diagnosis which I just received this week:

"Mr. X responded to the evaluator's greeting and made adequate eye contact but at times his eye contact appeared somewhat forced. He exhibited a restricted range of facial expressions."

There are always differences between an Aspie adapted to NT culture and real honest to goodness NTs, But note the big thing here is that we are modifying our behavior to fit the NT norm. Now that I know, after a lifetime of not understanding, I have no intention of continuing to modify me to those NT standards. I just wish I had known earlier.

Am I an untypical Aspie?
As a child I had some autistic traits:
1. Fascination with maps, networks and railway timetables.
2. Didn't understand "leg-pulling" until my mother explained it to me.
3. Had very few "not that good" friends through maths, science, chess and music (I played the flute).
4. Thought that when people asked, "How are you?", that they really wanted to know (in detail).
5. Never said "thank you" after being given a lift in a car.
6. In group conversations, only managed to work out what I wanted to contribute long after the conversation had moved on.
But...
In childhood, I was 100% rational, having no idea what "intuition" was.
In late 20s, I developed a very good sense of intuition.
In late 30s, I developed bi-polar affective disorder (described by some as the beginning of a spiritual awakening).
In late 40s, I developed a very good sense of instinct.
From 20s onward, I developed ever more emotional intelligence.
From 20s onward, I developed an ever more useful sense of "empathy through imagination" (thinking my way into another person's shoes; not automatically sensing others' feelings).
I am now brilliant at helping people by providing intellectual, emotional and spiritual support (my theory is that I can analyse complex situations without making false assumptions and without getting confused).

Sounds like typical aspie behavior to me. I believe aspies are all unique and different from each other. You clearly have some specialized and marketable talents. But everything you write says aspie to me. A lot of what you write I can easily identify with.

I have known for one week that I am an aspie. I spent a good part of my life working as a molecular geneticist. Since discovering I am an aspie I have spent about 60 hours scouring the literature that is almost exclusively written by NT scientists. I think it is clear that autism is a multigene phenomenon and it results in a completely different cognition system from NTs. Severely autistic individuals are clearly disabled, but then again there are uncountable NT diagnoses that cause serious disabilities. I saw one study that suggested that autistics are at the opposite end of the spectrum from schizophrenia with NTs in the middle. This might suggest that the extreme NT personality is schizophrenia. In my opinion people on the autistic spectrum are different but not dysfunctional. The amount of diversity among aspies points to the conclusion that we are a population of highly variable individuals whose brain circuitry is different but not aberrant. As someone who is a neophyte as an aspie and who, as a scientist, is only beginning to review the peer-reviewed literature, these are very preliminary hypotheses and no doubt contain some hopeful thinking as well.

66 here and I think you both right.

Another developmental path, more chosen by logic thoughts, compared to NT which act on instinct. Where we seek an action/response, they do seem to try to apply what worked in some prior situation, to the new one.

Not only can we live in their world, we can become respected for making sense, when that is desired, but most of the time they just want to get by with a lie.

The most full time aspie, the drill instructer, a fixed personality, with a single special interest, staying alive in combat, who is often hated and feared, but thanked when the world falls apart and the bodies pile up.

He is out to do one thing and do it well, beat that NT crap out of the new ones, and force them to focus on the reality of facing death with nothing but a squad of other hopeless malfunctioning hairless ground apes who just want to talk sports.

I have been disliked, trash mouthed, but when disaster strikes, I find everyone looking at me.

Two views, there are a few defectives among us, that we need special trained people to identify. or, there is hardly anyone who is self directed, can focus on the problem at hand, and direct the 99% into acting in survival mode.

While the ship is sailing along we are wrong, but when we get some survivors into the lifeboats we are right.

Half of all people are in the bottom half of intelligence, and we give them the vote.

Aspies are not the problem, the unmanaged mass is. Typical mindless sports fan, TV watcher, gets their knowledge of government from talk radio, has an IQ of 100 or less, the mass, the Neuro Typical.

At least half of the population have this disorder, I do not look to them for leadership.

"We has met the enemy, and they is us." Pogo

Welcome to WP

All interesting stuff! -- grist to the mill!
I have spent the last 55 years trying to figure out what is wrong with the world, and how groups of enlightened individuals might start working together to turn things around from inevitable destruction to the creation of some kind of Heaven on Earth. These days, I not only have many good outcome visions, but I have many good process (how to get there) visions as well.
Over the years, I have become an expert of dysfunction at every level -- individual, relationship, family, group, organisation, nation and planet-wide, and I have found that lessons learnt at any level are largely transferable to any other level.
Up until recently, I have not done much work on learning more about Aspies, NTs and how they interact, but I feel the time has come for me to study these areas in detail.
Some food for discussion/thought:
1. I do not think that ASD is a genetic condition, unless there is some kind of predisposition such as heightened sensitivity. My father, my eldest son and I (all first-borns) are all ASD -- this could be genetics, but is more likely to have something to do with birth order. And, then there is the MMR controversy (a real effect denied by scientists?) -- I don't think that the problem is caused by the vaccine; I think the problem is caused by the betrayal of having one's mother sanction deliberate pain. Then there is a problem that is coming up for me more and more these days -- the problem of emotional dishonesty. I think that emotional dishonesty in parents causes ASD (a coping strategy) in children (e.g. a furious, blaming adult denying that it is furious and blaming causing massive confusion for the child -- {or denying anything that is blantantly obvious}). The problem comes from mixed messages -- when the language contradicts the tone of voice and body language, then what are we to believe, and how are we to respond? I think that one becomes ASD if one believe the words, and one becomes NT if one believes the body langauge. Now, I have come to realise that body language is harder to fake and therefore it should be taken very seriously, but the problem of emotional dishonesty then causes massive problems in the largely NT dominated world. But, remaining largely in the world of language is not without its problems. This approach has worked for me, but it has resulted in a very long and hard journey that I have had to travel very much by myself as other people are "lost without knowing it" unless they become very good at "playing the game".
2. My life-long quest has now become eliminating all traces of emotional dishonesty from myself, helping others to do the same (should they be interested), and limiting the damage caused by people for whom emotional dishonesty has become a way of life. So, please supply us all with your best views and advice.

Well I am 54 and am thoroughly enjoying this topic. Don't have anything to contribute right now, though.

Good to see others in this age group posting. Thank you, all.

Do you think they would let us start a 50 and over topic? "Silver Sttimmers" or something?

I would like to be scored for Aspie, NT, etc..
How do I get this done?

There are various tests in a sticky thread at the top of the General Autism Discussion forum. A popular one is the RDOS test but I can't find a link for it at the moment. I'm 51 by the way.

I'm allergic to passive-aggressive as I'm allergic to any concealed form of attempt at coercion. You can be assertive, show with actions that it doesn't work with you, if the person is not so much in power over you. Otherwise, if the person has objective power over you like a boss, just pretend it works on you and do your own thing, also passive-aggressively.

I used to have a friend who, unconsciously, to draw attention to herself all the time, would constantly complain about her body ailments. It was a passive-aggressive thing. One day, walking down the busiest street in town, it got so bad she was practically screaming from pain and I got fed up. I stopped a car and was going to ask them to take us to the nearest hospital ER, when she started yelling that she wasn't in such pain. She was furious at me, but she NEVER did it again. But if it'd been my boss, I wouldn't have done that. I would've spent the lovely morning enduring the game, just inwardly not taking it seriously for a moment.

It's interesting what optimaxim said about parental emotional dishonesty and body language not matching verbal language. My mother was often furious and blaming, blaming everyone except herself. After years of thinking my problems with self-centeredness, solitude-craving and distrust of people were due to my upbringing, I began to suspect I had some form of ASD, especially since my father and brother have a lot of the same traits. But now I wonder if one is caused by the other.

If you mean that Autism/Aspergers is caused by upbringing, I sincerely doubt it. We are born with these things even if our families are ideal.

Confusing manipulation, or just confused me?

Say someone is needing a ride to a bus station. You bring them in your vehicle, and are about to park, when the person suddenly says, "oh, that's all right, you don't have to come in with me, just drop me at the curb."
Does this mean 1. Exactly what it sounds like? 2. The person doesn't want to spend any more time with you than absolutely necessary? 3. They are trying to see if you will say, "no, no, we want to come in and see you off."?

You wouldn't normally park your car when giving someone a ride to a place. If you park, it's because there's a close relationship between you two and you want to accompany them inside to make it more pleasant for them. So if they tell you it's not necessary, you can say "no problem, that way we can continue talking" or "I want to see you off safely" or whatever. But again, it would be someone close. Or someone you're pursuing romantically and have reason to think the feeling may be mutual. You wouldn't park the car if it was someone you barely knew or whom you had no idea if they were interested in a closer relationship with you.

O.k., see what you mean, I think. No, it was not a romantic situation, just a family member who I beleive is always in "pity" moe twards me and has spent decades manipulating people. Their career is completely people-oriented ( and this person is a member of all sorts of clubs, etc.)
I could sense various and sundry skills being used in my conversations with her/him.

^^^ This is what The Goal is for me at the present time. It is the mental sifting through the issues and details of my responsibilities, needs and wants, which I find to be confusing.
Would like to hear from someone with ASD and in their fifties or over, how they deal with this. Properly prioritizing eludes me.