Is it better if you approach someone, or they approach you?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't know. It seems like anytime I approach someone, the answer is no. And knowing that my social skills are impaired, would it be better to let the other person step up to the plate? Since they probably would have better skills than me, it would be easier overall (subtracting any other problems from the mix) , and would probably be more successful than if I would have gone out on a limb. Any thoughts?

Some women will step up. I think you should determine based on the responses of the other person in other contexts. That is hard for us, I know, but I also don't believe you should generalize based on gender or in an effort to figure out if you should do Method A all the time (at the "risk" of losing Method B). Despite what some people like to think, not every woman is the same. It might also help to ask people you've seen on a more regular basis than it is to ask random chicks. This goes back to the "other contexts" part of my answer. i.e. don't ask women you don't know from Eve.

(I was interested in someone, that I suspected might be on the spectrum actually, and I asked him. It was outside my normal comfort zone, but I did it. Was it altogether successful? Well, we went to dinner once, but I also made it clear it was for the sake of the act of needing to eat. I needed the breathing room it afforded to feel things out. Now, he texts me regularly. Are we an item? No, and it might never happen, but part of that turned out to be my decision based on things I learned about him later. The point is, nothing ventured...I think that many -not all- Aspies have a concept in our heads that every time an NT guy asks a woman out, they get a positive response. They don't.)

People always say not to thing about trying to find someone. But what if you kind of obsess over it? Plus it is kind of hard to find like minded people. So is it better to let fate take it's course, or be actively searching? And how do you not obsess over things? Matter of fact, when I used to talk to much, it took me going to the opposite end and talking very little to balance it. SO should I use the same tactic in this situation?

not this again.

but in the hopes you arent a troll and are actually looking or advice ill answer you without any BS.

If you dont approach women then consider yourself out of the dating pool. Unlike what you often hear that SOME women approach guys the number of women that do is very little and they often do it maybe 3 times before going back to being approached. They just dont understand the concept of having to approach dozens if not hundreds in hopes not only of finding a good one but of finding a good one that also says yes.

Me personaly, 4 years of looking and trying and id dare say 500 approaches without a single good thing to recall ive given up. I got fed up with this BS game and just cant take any more rejection.

And that is the problem I have. On one hand I see women checking me out, but in actual practice, it seems like those two things are on separate planets. So while my mind says HEEELLLLL NO (stop trying) my legs say yeah. And that is a problem I am having. On one hand I wonder if just letting it be would solve anything, and that I should wait and see if anything happens. On the other hand, my rational side says give up. I feel so conflicted.

This is not strictly about dating, but is valid for any social interaction (which obviously includes dating): sometimes, when you don't approach people, they might believe that you don't want to be approached either, especially if you don't make it clear by means of non-verbal language that you are open to interaction with them.

That's why I was a social recluse during my school and highschool years. I simply waited for people to approach me, but I didn't know how to signal non-verbally my openness and willingness (I didn't even know that I needed to do so). As a result, people saw me as unavailable and never approached me.

Then, when I was about to start college, my high school counsellor told me that I should smile towards people to signal I'm interested in interacting with them. Then it dawned on me what I had been doing wrong. I started college and promised myself to approach people, even if it felt weird (it still does). I never became an exquisite social being, but I never encountered the same degree of loneliness as in school and highschool. Moreover, people stopped perceiving me as an unavailable person.

BUT I still do not know how to convey non-verbal messages of openness, willingness and availability for interpersonal interaction. If I decided to let people approach me, nobody would approach me, that's for sure. So I say, unless you know how to send off the proper non-verbal messages, then it's better to approach people instead of waiting for them to approach you (because they might think you don't want to be approached). Of course, I don't know how well you master body language - you might do so better than me, but I've noticed that many social difficulties for people (Aspies included) stem from this inability to properly use body language for social signalling....

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

I am trying to learn NLP, which might help. Idk, I feel kind of discouraged. I tried to get outside of my shell on multiple occasions, and it failed. I will try again since I am going to college in the fall here. Hopefully that should help.

It's probably always better to be approached. That way, you're the one who decides. However, in general terms, men don't get that luxury. If you're a man, and not wealthy, famous or extremely attractive, you could wait for the rest of your life without being approached, and it probably wouldn't happen. That's where reality has yet to catch up with zany ideas of equality, and I doubt it will.

What's NLP?

NLP is neuro-linguistic programming. It kind of is similar to Dale Carnegie stuff, in the sense of establishing a rapport, but also it teaches how humans interact with each other, and basically teaches you how to develop you social senses and heighten them. I think wikipedia might explain it better : NLP

I've had better luck approaching than waiting to be approached.
Like StevenTyler77 my passive body language doesn't give off the right "vibe" to other people so in my case I'm either left alone, or flooded by creeps. When I approach I get to have more choice in the kind of people I interact with than if I were to just wait and see who comes to me.
It can be kind of challenging sometimes to approach while still remaining "feminine" enough to be appealing, but I don't think that is a problem you'll have. Embrace your agency, it can be awesome.

I struck up the first conversation I had with my current SO and that went better than I had expected it too.

My advice would be to focus on building social groups and engaging in social hobbies, and when you meet a girl who's personality you like who you have a good rapport with you can start from there. Which I think is easier than going after strangers.

Me, too. People, for the most part, don't approach me unless I make (what appear to be, to me) very obvious "approach" signs. It's not at all natural for me, it's very much a conscious effort. Sometimes I prefer to do the approaching, though, even when it ends in rejection.