NTs, what did you see in your Aspie partners?

Page 1 of 2 [ 29 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

1000Knives
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2011
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,083
Location: CT, USA

16 Jul 2012, 4:45 pm

I'm wondering, for the NTs here in relationship with people with Aspergers, of both sexes, what traits drew you to be with a person have or likely have Aspergers/ASD? For all the negative I read in the "autism spouse support group" type boards, there had to be something that drew them to their partners. So I'm wondering, what drew you to your Aspie partner?

Thanks.



mds_02
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Sep 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,096
Location: Los Angeles

16 Jul 2012, 5:10 pm

I'm curious about this too.

I've read a bunch of the complaints NTs have about their aspie partners, and I do try to adjust my behavior in such a way as to not make my NT feel emotionally neglected. Still, sometimes I can't help but think that she'd be happier with a guy for whom relationships came more naturally.


_________________
If life's not beautiful without the pain, 
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again. 
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer. 
And it feels pretty soft to me. 

Modest Mouse - The View


Silhouette-Song
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 191
Location: Canada

16 Jul 2012, 5:21 pm

Cool
funny
attractive
common interests
weird
established friendship


_________________
So why care for these petty obsessions? Your designer heart still beats with common blood.
~Grave Robber, Repo! Genetic Opera.


SilkySifaka
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,396
Location: UK

16 Jul 2012, 5:25 pm

I'm the AS partner, but I can tell you what my partner found attractive about me because I once asked (out of bafflement really).

He said likes that I am a little different from other women, that I am quite straightforward. He said there was something quite innocent and quirky about me that he liked. Presumably there was a physical attraction as well, just like there is for any couple.

Although neither of us had any idea that I had Aspergers when we began dating, he was aware that I was a little different and that I had a history of mental health problems. I think that knowledge makes all the difference - I suspect that many of those who post on the 'spouse support groups' did not have an understanding of what they were signing up for. That was certainly the case with my own parents marriage. By the time my boyfriend proposed we knew about Aspergers and he understood all the genetic implications etc.

I know some people will think that he is with me because he couldn't do any better, but that isn't the case. He has a higher status than I do (in the way of money and educational qualifications) and has had plenty of previous girlfriends. It's a bit inexplicable why he picked me, but I'm not complaining :)



waitykatie
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 18 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 338

16 Jul 2012, 5:31 pm

The fact that he was academically a star and physically a hunk turned me off. I figured he'd be egotistical, and ignored him. He approached me, and was obviously itching to have sex, after just a few hours of conversation. Way too fast. Not a good sign. But I gave him a chance because he struck me as strangely insecure (about what?), bizarrely naive, and interested in a relationship with feeling and substance. Strong and vulnerable, all at the same time. The sex - lovemaking - was phenomenal. Everything else made absolutely no sense. He had qualities that could not possibly all exist in the same person. Yet, they did: a living, breathing paradox. I got hooked on trying to figure it all out. 16 years later, I'm almost there. ;)

From a more practical standpoint, I don't know anyone who works as hard as he does. He has low self-esteem, which leads to self-destructive decisions and behaviors sometimes. But I can relate; I do that too. He's a good provider, he forms deep, lasting attachments, he's loyal (even if to the wrong people), and if he gives up trying, he always finds it in himself to try again. His blind spots are very, very hard on his partners - including me. But I can see how hard he tries, so I try to try, half as much as he does. He was the "Energizer Bunny" back then, and he's the same way now. What else would he do? No one ever told him he couldn't. I keep at it because he inspires me.



BlueMax
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285

16 Jul 2012, 5:33 pm

Looking forward to your responses! :cyclopsani:



mds_02
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Sep 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,096
Location: Los Angeles

16 Jul 2012, 5:40 pm

waitykatie wrote:
The fact that he was academically a star and physically a hunk turned me off. I figured he'd be egotistical, and ignored him. He approached me, and was obviously itching to have sex, after just a few hours of conversation. Way too fast. Not a good sign. But I gave him a chance because he struck me as strangely insecure (about what?), bizarrely naive, and interested in a relationship with feeling and substance. Strong and vulnerable, all at the same time. The sex - lovemaking - was phenomenal. Everything else made absolutely no sense. He had qualities that could not possibly all exist in the same person. Yet, they did: a living, breathing paradox. I got hooked on trying to figure it all out. 16 years later, I'm almost there. ;)

From a more practical standpoint, I don't know anyone who works as hard as he does. He has low self-esteem, which leads to self-destructive decisions and behaviors sometimes. But I can relate; I do that too. He's a good provider, he forms deep, lasting attachments, he's loyal (even if to the wrong people), and if he gives up trying, he always finds it in himself to try again. His blind spots are very, very hard on his partners - including me. But I can see how hard he tries, so I try to try, half as much as he does. He was the "Energizer Bunny" back then, and he's the same way now. What else would he do? No one ever told him he couldn't. I keep at it because he inspires me.


Wow. You really love the hell out of this guy, huh?

I can only hope my girl thinks half as highly of me as you think of him.

I love hearing about love.


_________________
If life's not beautiful without the pain, 
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again. 
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer. 
And it feels pretty soft to me. 

Modest Mouse - The View


PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

16 Jul 2012, 5:51 pm

mds_02, I'm sure she does think highly of you... and you probably don't know quite how much.


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."


waitykatie
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 18 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 338

16 Jul 2012, 6:03 pm

mds_02 wrote:
Wow. You really love the hell out of this guy, huh?

Yes. He has difficulty believing it too. But our partner choices are often influenced by our parents. My father was lazy, selfish, not a good provider, intentionally cruel, and disloyal, to his wife and to his own flesh and blood. The world will be a better place when he's gone. However flawed my guy may be, he isn't any of those things.



Esther
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 May 2008
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,583
Location: Across the Border

16 Jul 2012, 7:44 pm

My lover is a lot of things; mostly he's hot. ;)



Darwin1123
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 9

16 Jul 2012, 10:06 pm

I'm an emotional person and so logically we shouldn't work but in a strange way we kind of balance each other out. I was drawn to how witty he is, and that we can have conversations which are intellectual but also creative. He's an independent thinker, and doesn't really care about what other people think which I respected. The fact that I couldn't quite figure him out was also intriguing. He's got this old-world air about him, like he's from a different time period. I'm fond of he fact that he doesn't just shower me with constant praise and attention I don't find that necessary. I've had men constantly call me pretty or whatever but when they say it it seems kind of shallow...when he does things for me or compliments me I feel that he really means it. Also along the same lines he doesn't smile often, but when I say something that truly and genuinely makes him smile it takes my breath away.

I also totally agree about the paradox thing, and qualities that can't possibly exist in the same person....I study quantum physics so the paradoxical part of nature is definitely for me.



Odessa
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 10
Location: Finland

17 Jul 2012, 6:33 am

My aspie spouse is also far more interested in me than regular guys, pays attention to what I say. Remembers important days and is romantic. He's also fairly intellectual and his lack of experience is kind of fresh in all it's naivety. Yeah and he's hot.



yellowtamarin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,860
Location: Australia

17 Jul 2012, 6:37 am

I'm the aspie, but my partners have apparently liked my unpretentiousness and my rational mind.



SweetGirl28
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 28

17 Jul 2012, 12:44 pm

Although I am single now, my last relationship was with a guy that potentially had AS.

I met him very randomly at an event and I had to work "hard" to get his attention, meaning I had to ask him if he wanted to go for a drink afterwards and he agreed. In the bar, we talked for hours and hours and we lost track of time. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and I felt a deeper connection with him that I have never felt with other guys before.

I must admit that I wasn't attracted to him in the beginning because of his sloppy appearance (I mainly had a problem with his clothing style). On our first date one week later he already looked a lot better and he was eager to introduce me to anyone that was of any importance in his life. He also wanted to cuddle and sleep with me (although he didn't want to have sex in the beginning).

Apart from his initial enthusiasm, he also seemed sexually inexperienced (despite the fact that he had one serious gf before me) and socially very naive. His friends mean the world to him, although he doesn't know most of them on a personal level, but rather on a superficial level. I think he appealed to me, because I felt I had to take care of him in some way.



Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

17 Jul 2012, 12:56 pm

Esther wrote:
My lover is a lot of things; mostly he's hot. ;)


The hot reply is quite subjective and attraction is sometimes relative as opposed to being universal, it doesn't really tell us much in terms of traits that stand out.

It seems like the biggest factor and reason that women like men on the spectrum is because they are naive.