How to explain what it is like to socialise...

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While trying to describe what it is like, socially, for people with AS, I came up with this analogy:

Everyone understands that there are some people in the World who have a natural brain for maths. And there are some people who have no natural skills whatsoever for maths. This tends to be an accepted understanding.

Having AS is like having no natural skills for socialising, vs an NT who has natural skills for socialising.

A person who is not so good at maths can get tutoring and help in order to get through basic maths. They can learn certain rules in maths and apply these in basic maths tests and can do well enough at lower levels, enough for no one to notice.
However, as they progress in their education, the maths tests get harder and require better skills. Some tests will start to mix basic rule-based maths questions, with some questions that are new and rely on a natural maths brain to be able to figure out on the spot. Those "extra, bonus questions", perhaps. The kid with no natural maths brain will not be able to do these, generally, unless they guess it and fluke it somehow.
The higher up in education you go, the more and more complex it gets and the more it becomes necessary to have a natural maths brain. For the person who doesn't have this, they will not likely progress any further in maths. They have some basic maths knowledge though, and that is all.

For someone with AS, when it comes to socialising, it is like doing a maths test for someone who has no natural maths skills. They can learn the basics, and get by enough, like in shops, or short conversations with one person, but anything beyond that becomes very difficult. Not all NTs follow the learnt social rules all the time, and they naturally know when and how they can bend and break them and when they are important to stick to. A person with AS doesn't have this skill and so will either make many mistakes, or will just not even try for fear of making a mistake.

It is also exhausting. For the non-maths person, it takes a LOT of effort for them to really make themselves do maths. For a maths person, it probably isn't so hard because it is natural for them.

Another example is if we introduce more people into the social interaction. This is similar to if the non-maths kid was doing a maths test and then 2 or 3 of his friends had to leave and he had to finish their tests off also. In the same amount of time, and each of their tests had different questions. How would he cope? I can imagine he would be rather overwhelmed and would either shut down and just not do any of it, or maybe even have a meltdown, especially if this test was really important. (this is without even delving into any sensory sensitivity issues on top of it!!)
So, for a person with AS, they might be getting by with their rules they have learnt about socialising while talking with one person, preferably about a topic they are interested in, then suddenly 2 or 3 more people join the conversation who you don't really know that well or have not ever met. Your brain would be overwhelmed and suddenly this person who seemingly could cope with socialising suddenly has no idea! Even worse if the person they were talking with was a person who has conversations in which they are NOT interested in (i.e. they are already struggling big time).

So, a person with AS can certainly "fool" the World into thinking they are "normal" because they learn the basic rules of socialising, try to find people to talk to who enjoy the same topic as them, and try to avoid any other kind of socialising and no one knows any different! Perhaps they come across as confident (those who keep distant and only do what they "want" to do and only speak when they have something to say can come across this way), a little mysterious, smart, a little eccentric, maybe even quite polite (if you learn manners, people will leave you alone)....

Would you agree? Do you have your own explanations?

I believe you have lived up to your user name. You have analyzed it and came up with what I think is a very good analogy. Although I am not 100% sure I have AS I do exhibit a lot of the traits and your analogy sums up my feelings about socializing very well. I am going to print this out and share it with my family and some close friends who recognize these traits in me but find it hard to believe because I mask it so well, as you pointed out in your last paragraph.

Cheers

So every time someone says "Hi,"
 it's a 'Pop Quiz'?!

No wonder that I get butterflys... =P

I definitely do feel that way.

Both maths and socialising a a huge effort for me, that seem complex and you can't quite get it, and I could never improve beyond a certain limit with maths, not sure if it would be the same with my socialising.

No worries, am glad I could help you out

I do indeed, analyse anything and everything to bits, it is interesting yet annoying as I can rarely turn this off!!

I hope this helps with explaining to your family and friends, it can be so frustrating to explain, that's why I came up with this.

Well, you can't educate Math to work better with a person, but you can educate the NT population to socialize better with aspies. It's not so much that we're "bad" at socializing but that we do it a different way. If you explain to an NT that we're just bad at it, they'll drop any attempts at socializing with us. If you tell them we do it a different way, they might try to socialize with us, not give up on us completely.

True, I was taking a black and white approach with it, just trying to make it more simple to comprehend. I suppose when I say "bad" I mean more that we are "bad" at doing it the NT way. I suppose in a sense, we are definitely "good" at socialising in an AS way lol

I don't think I would generally come out with "I am bad at socialising" to a random person I was talking with though... I was more referring to when one is trying to explain to family and close friends about your Asperger's in a way for them to understand what it means to have difficulties with socialising, because some people don't understand that (and how) we struggle with it....

And yes, we could definitely educate NTs on how to socialise with US better, that is true. If only! It is just so hard sometimes to convince some people that there ARE different ways to socialise, before they will open up to the idea that they can work with us on the issue...

I think our message has to be "different", not "bad". At every turn of the way. Demonstrations, family, friends, strangers, etc. Just like the LGBT do. Except without the flashy-pink clothes, since we wouldn't look nearly as beautiful. If we say "bad", NTs will try to fix us into being "good", i.e. like them.

The way I sometimes explain it is: our way of socializing is "different" in the same way that cats socialize differently from dogs. Dogs have a pack with a hierarchy where conforming and taking a fixed role in the pack and sacrificing individuality for the sake of cohesion are top values and everything else is secondary. Cats have a loose arrangement that is fluid and changing all the time, and though they love the company of other cats, they're considered loners because they don't trade healthy logic for belonging.

That's great, I like the dog and cat analogy And yes true, if we were to say we were bad at it, then they do try to "fix" us.

However, I do believe we need to learn how to "speak NT" though. To just say we are different and then never learn any NT would be a mistake, because the world is set up by and run by NTs, generally (little do they truly know how essential people with AS are towards progress though!). Being able to network and communicate with society is highly important to our survival. We rely on others for our food, water, electricity, etc, and if we aren't able to communicate with them, then we will struggle. There is more incentive for us to learn their language, then there is for them to learn ours.

Like, for example, if we are a natural english speaker and we go and live in a country where they know NO english (but we look almost the same), yet we have to live there, then we need to learn to speak and understand their language if we want to survive there - in order to get around, work, shop, etc. We will never become a native speaker of their language and will (generally) never think in their language, but we will need to know enough of it to get by. We might communicate differently to them (in english), naturally, but telling them that won't help us get by in Life. Some of them might choose to learn english so that they can communicate with us in our natural way, but most of them won't, and at the end of the day the transport, work, etc, won't change for us either.

It is accepted, however, that people speak different language in ways like that. I think many NTs find it difficult to comprehend that someone could still be a natural english speaker but communicate differently within that.

But math is like universally the same?.

Is Socializing universally the same? isnt that different for every single person on earth?.

Or are there actually also rules and stuff like in math?.

True, but AS is characterized as having problems with socialising... As in, that within their own culture, they don't socialise in the same way as "the norm"?

I don't know, I haven't looked into how AS is different across different cultures....

And I am sure that everyone socialises in their own way, but there appears to be some sort of line between how NTs socialise, and how people with AS do.. it is all a spectrum though, even amongst NTs. I even wonder if the spectrum kind of goes from low functioning autism through to aspergers, then to NTs who are extreme introverts to NTs who are in the middle between introvert and extrovert, up to NTs who are extremely extroverted.... Maybe? I don't really know....

And yes, there are some rules, absolutely. Like, when you greet someone you should smile and say "hello" and "how are you?". That you should look at people while you are talking, that you should say please and thank you, that you should say goodbye when you part company, that you should ask people a question about their life, etc, and not talk too much about your favourite topic, if a person smiles at you then you should smile back (I really hate that one).... I consider these to be social rules, yes?

Thanks for explaining it better. I am not officially diagnosed but wouldnt beside surprised if i have some traits. This anology is good

I"ve described it as feeling like I"m hard-wired for a different culture.

I agree it would be far easier if the NTs were more tolerant of differences.

everybody is fooling the world into thinking they are normal
some are better than others
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gK-CzCHug[/youtube]
check out this vid

It is like weight lifting: I usually feel very lazy for it, I get exhausted whenever I do it, I want to finalize it as soon as possible, but I get what I deserve if I complete my *mission* with success. If I fail at it, my confidence gets a huge blow.