Boyfriend's son has Aspergers - HELP - how do I cope?

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Hi - Please don't think I am a terrible person, but I am very uncomfortable around my boyfriend's 14 year old Asperger son. I am starting to think I was not cut out to be a step-parent of a special needs child.

I feel too timid to assert myself around his son, yet I am starting to think that I must learn how, because I feel like my rights are being trampled on.

I'll just give some examples:

He picks his scabs in front of everyone (and then sometimes even grabs food and doesn't wash)
Pulls his hair and eyelashes and eyebrows out
walks in circles if he is bored
watches TV shows meant for toddlers and preschoolers, but laughs loudly at the "jokes"
breaks plastic hangars if he is bored
moves furniture around if he is bored
steals money, loose change if it's left sitting out
hoards/sneaks candy and hides the wrappers (even though his dad always catches him and yells at him)
bothers my cat when he comes over - as if the cat is a playmate
has his mother listed in his cell phone as "mommy" and calls her "mommy" to her face.
never learns - has to be told over and over again, but still never does what he is supposed to do
smells like B.O. - has to be forced to shower and put deodorant on.
takes and eats food from my fridge that is marked as mine - don't touch
gets bad grades despite being coddled and hand held in school


All of these things creep me out really bad, or make me feel like he is a bull-in-a-china shop every time he comes over, and aren't normal 14 year old behaviorz. It feels like he is chronologically 14, but mentally 4 years old.

Is this "normal" for Asperger's? I am freaked out - I have zero life experience with developmental disabilities and have one grown daughter who was a piece of cake to raise, and had no major issues.

With the things he does that are annoying or gross, like walking in circles or scab picking, I want to yell at him to cut it out because it's so aggravating, but I don't want to damage him - CAN I tell him to cut it out? Or if not, what can I do to make him stop it?

Is there a book someone can recommend? Is there any hope for me learning to deal with this, freaked out as I am by him? Or should I just get out of the relationship now while I can? Please advise, I am very scared of what I am getting into and I don't know how to help myself.

Yes, all of this can be fairly typical for a 14 year old with Asperger's in a new person's home who doesn't feel comfortable around him. I don't want to be harsh with you as others might come along and be, but I would suggest much, much less time around him until you can educate yourself about Asperger's. New places and people can be quite stressful and these behaviors can be worsened by stress. Why does his dad yell at him? What does it matter what he calls his mother?

You are right, it can probably seem like he is much younger than 14 and that is because has a pervasive neurological difference. It will take some time for him to learn your rules. In the meantime, show him some compassion, educate yourself on Asperger's and give him some slack. You can ask him to pick scabs in his own room and remind him to wash his hands-but don't be surprised if it takes time for him to adjust to all the new rules and changes. I recommend you get the book "The Complete Guide to Aspergers" by Tony Attwood and read it thoroughly.

And please don't yell at him. It can be damaging.

Read, read and read some more about Aspergers.

In the grand scheme of life, who cares if he likes shows for pre schoolers? Of everything on that list, I wouldnt even bat an eyelash bout that one.

How is he beign coddled at school? School can be very difficult for spectrum kids, and lots of accomidations need to be made. I am wondering if those accomidations are maing you think he is being coddled. I am sure if you ask him, he would think the opposite.

A little compassion goes a long way!

Good luck!

The boy is always going to have Asperger's. There is no cure. You sound set in your ways. This is not a bad thing--it happens to everyone, but it means that you are not likely to be able to adjust to the boy, and because of his Asperger's, he is not likely to fully adjust to your ways of doing things. Because of this you and this situation are not a match. Do try some books on raising kids with Asperger's, but if you don't feel up to dealing with it after that, then it's best to break off quickly, before both the boy and his dad get too attached to you, and you to them. Also, it's not safe for your cat and the boy to be together. When cats get bothered enough to feel very annoyed or threatened, they do bite and scratch. Kids can sometimes react violently to being bitten or scratched. So keep the cat and the kid apart.

I have high functioning autism and I do alot of those things. My mom said that I saved her from her own rigidity...which he might have something to teach you as well about rigidity.

lets go over your complaints

He picks his scabs in front of everyone (and then sometimes even grabs food and doesn't wash)

(some of us have OCD which causes us to obsess over scabs...I pick mine all the time. I never knew I had to wash afterwards as my scabs arnt infected...actually touching something infected then picking my scabs pose a higher risk to me, than anyone else. But that is why we have immune systems. If people lived in a sterile enviroment, our immune systems would be very weak and when real germs came along, we wouldhave very limited defenses. Minor germs are good for you, keep your immunity strong. So unless he has a MRSA, dont sweat the small stuff.

Pulls his hair and eyelashes and eyebrows out

Again this is a manifestion of OCD type behaviors that often come with asperger's With less stress, he will not do this as much, but he may need to see a psychiatrist about getting on meds for OCD.

walks in circles if he is bored

This is called stimming which is short for self stimulating behavior. I do these behaviors alot. I can not sit still for 5 seconds...if I do, I feel like I am going to explode...it is a way of releasing energy and priming the brain to work better. Have you ever used an old well before, the kind you have to repeatedly pump to get water to come up? Stiming is the same way for some of us as a means to priming our brains, for others, the repetive motions are a means of controled release. Our brains are wired differently....again dont sweat the small stuff, so what if he walks around in circles...live and let live.

watches TV shows meant for toddlers and preschoolers, but laughs loudly at the "jokes"

probably because A) he is at a younger developmental level, B) it is his special interest (a strong facination/obsession that is a central part of ASD's) C) because of his delayed social maturity, the social contructs of shows more his age are beyond his ability to understand. D) he likes the simplicity of the colors, lines, and uncomplicated plots. E) all of the above. This is another lesson in overcoming rigidity...again dont sweat the small stuff.

breaks plastic hangars if he is bored

This is probably a sensory intergration think. Some autistic kids like to break things because they like the way it feels...not that they want to destroy things but the tension an object has before it breaks is sometimes comforting. Its hard to explain, but we have hypersensory issues and sensory obsessions and some of us are very tactile people. We prefer a deep presure as it can be comforting to us, but a light touch can send some of us into fits. As far as what to do about this...go buy dollar tree things he can break, and make the hangars off limits.
This is not exactly small stuff cause it can spread to breaking other things as well. It is best to designate things he is allowed to break.


moves furniture around if he is bored

and the problem is.....?


steals money, loose change if it's left sitting out

This one needs to be nipped in the bud while he is young...because of obsessive tendencies, this could be a legal problem later on. I used to do that as a kid, until mom grounded me to my room for a week with no tv, radio, or anything but books to keep me company. I even had to eat in my room...I was allowed out to go to the bathroom, bathe, brush my teeth and because it was summer vacation, I couldn't even get out for school. Seems harsh, but it cured me.


hoards/sneaks candy and hides the wrappers (even though his dad always catches him and yells at him)

this is easy, dont have them in the house. If dad controls the groceries and the money, then he cant access them if they are not brought in the house. Yelling at a kid with autism does no good. The loudness of the voice overstimulates the autistic brain, and nothing that is said is fully comprehended.

bothers my cat when he comes over - as if the cat is a playmate

Many aspies and auties actually relate to animals better than people, so yes to him, the cat is a playmate. So if your cat doesnt mind and no harm is being done to the cat, then dont sweat it . If your cat does mind, of he is rough with your cat, then put your cat in your bedroom and declare it off limits.

has his mother listed in his cell phone as "mommy" and calls her "mommy" to her face.

ummm....so what?? I call my mom "mommy" sometimes when I am stressed and I am 35 years old. Dont sweat the small stuff.

never learns - has to be told over and over again, but still never does what he is supposed to do

thats because his parrents are going about it the wrong way. Negitive reinforcment does not work with aspies or auties, try a rewards program. Each time he does right, no matter how small, he gets a star on a chart...when he collects enough stars, he gets a reward. But make the goals easily obtainable, aspies get discouraged easy when trying to get out of undesirable behaviors. Change is very difficult for aspies...many times the one who does the most changing is the parent.

smells like B.O. - has to be forced to shower and put deodorant on.

many aspies and auties have trouble with hygene because of our sensory issues. He could be hypersensitive to touch and the water in the shower pounding on him can really be very uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. Try a showerhead with a mist option. Also the scrubbing can be jarring to the nerves...and deoderant tickles sometimes so badly it hurts. Try getting him to apply baking powder with his hand to his underarm. It works better than deoderant, anyway, without the active ingredients of antifreeze.

takes and eats food from my fridge that is marked as mine - don't touch

kids with aspergers can have issues with boundaries and seeing things from another's perspective. Eat his food so he experiences what it is like to be on the recieving end.

gets bad grades despite being coddled and hand held in school

School is nothing less than sheer hell for aspies with the noise, overstimulation, bullies (aspies are easy targets), social rules that dont make sense to even NT adults are pure insanity to an aspie, teachers who are intollerant, and top that off with trying to learn. Some aspies have learning disabilities, often have organizational disabilities, memory problems, ADHD, auditory comphrehion dsyfunction, and a host of other problems which make learning in school difficult.

You will have to examine whether you are cut out for this. Raising a special needs child is not for the faint at heart and in many cases is a lifetime commitment.

Jojo

You will grow to love this kid, I promise. Give it time. Be compassionate. Read all you can. And stop judging.

my mom wants to comment as well:

My daughter was very impaired as a child,had tons of remediation, and is now a poet,and artist, and the light of my life. We have so much fun. Getting to this point was was gut wrenching and not for the faint of heart. I had to learn a completely different way of life. Frankly it sounds like you already resent the little guy, I hope his mother has primary custody, that if you if you are going to remain dating this man that
you make a real effort to understand his world or just stay away the weekends he has with Dad. I do not think you should marry this man.
It takes a lot of empathy to try to understand and the ability to be a combination of Mother Thersea and Attila the Hun. to parent these children. There are other men with less challenging children.

He's probably REALLY uncomfortable around you too which may make some of his quirky behaviors more prominent, like moving the furniture and picking his scabs/eyebrows. One aspect of Asperger's for some is a very high level of anxiety and being around new people and in new situations really exacerbate the anxiety. Some of those behaviors may diminish if he gets to know you well enough to get comfortable around you however, jojobean has given a pretty good explanation, these behaviors are all common to AS. They aren't going to go away. If you are really serious about this kid's dad and you want to be with him, you have a steep learning curve ahead of you. It is not insurmountable but you gotta be willing to do it. Essentially, you will need to get to a point where all the things you mentioned in your OP don't bother you. Also know that it is also pretty common for Aspies to take a couple of extra years before they are ready to move out on their own so don't count on him being ready to leave home and go to college or get a job upon graduating from high school. Raising a kiddo on the spectrum is a challenge, it can be very rewarding too, just like raising any kid.

I'm going to step FAR OUT on a limb here and say two things.

First of all, let's all give the OP a break here. She is JUST NOW learning about Asperger's, and it isn't something that one can get used to overnight. Parents, siblings and other loved-ones live with their asperger's loved one since infancy, and so they have time to adapt to the differences in behavior. A person who is introduced to an Asperger's person when that person is 14 years old is being dropped into a totally unfamiliar situation. Given some time, the OP may learn to adapt and may actually become a support for the young man.

Secondly, I beg to differ with the concept that "these behaviors will never change." I know from experience with two sons that some of the behaviors DO change. The inner character doesn't change, but like most kids, children and teenagers with Asperger's do adapt and improve behavior over time. It sometimes take longer for that change to take effect, but it happens with some. I have seen maturity do wonderful things. I have also seen patience and love help with what NT's consider annoying or disgusting behavior in someone with Asperger's. ALL BOYS do annoying things like picking scabs or stealing. Sometimes gentle reminders are enough to help with picking behaviors -- and as another post described, some serious discipline can help with stealing behaviors.

There is just the slightest possibility that this particular Aspie teenager is caught in a difficult situation, where his parents have divorced (I'm guessing) and are separated. That kind of change is difficult for ANY child, but the change in routines may be particularly hard for this kid. He may not be getting the consistency that he so needs and probably craves. Without consistency of love AND discipline, any child will not do well. If the OP loves the father, she may well develop an understanding and love for the son.

A lot of good comments especially JoJoBean's.

If you are interested in being a step parent to this child you will need to learn a lot about Asperger's. The stuff on your list that is just annoying but not dangerous or destructive or unsanitary, like him calling his mother "Mommy" or watching kids programs you will have to let go.

Look at your list again, and try to eliminate the things that you just do not like or approve of, but are really not issues for YOU or his health and well being.

I don't know how long you and your boyfriend have been dating, but really other than the stuff that directly have to do with you (like him stealing your labeled food) you really have to let your bf handle. You don't have standing to get into his grades and stuff with him, you are not his parent.

That said, all of this will take work. He has a developmental delay and may need occupational therapy to deal with things like pulling out hair. It is a stim that needs to be replaced with another stim that is not unhealthy. He is not doing it to annoy you. He cannot help it. He might have issues with your presence in his life because you are in his home, his zone where he feels safe. Not that he doesn't like you, necessarily, but just that you are something new, and Aspies don't handle new things well.

What does your bf say? Is he getting him any help?

Just an FYI to the OP, pulling his hair is called Trichotillomania. It is related to OCD. My daughter had this for a while and it is definitely exacerbated by stress. You can read about it here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania

The skin picking is related to this disorder as well.

I also forgot to ask:

Does he behave better in his own house than when he visits yours? At his home he might have a place he can "nest" like his room, where he will feel more comfortable. I am NOT saying force him to be in his own room, when you are in his (and your bf's) home, but he may choose to gravitate there part of the time. This way you won't have to spend too much time with each other all at once. It might help both of you gradually get used to one another. Too much of a new person can be really overwhelming.

As far as book recommendations, the house recommendation is a really good ebook, found here: http://www.ASDstuff.com if no one else mentioned it, yet.

There is also a sticky at the top section of the Parent Board, here. It has a lot of recommendations. My son is half the age of your bf's son, so I do not think the books we have gotten would necessarily be of that much assistance. I am sure parents with older kids will chime in.

To be honest, you don't even sound close to "up to the challenge". I think you need to question those things you find so aggravating, really if you are upset by some of those things and you aren't able to change your own reactions to things like that then this can't last. Don't worry about saving yourself, I would say do them a favour and leave. This sounds harsh, but your post makes me angry, it just sounds so superficial. The child you're talking about has some issues and could use your understanding.

To be honest, you don't even sound close to "up to the challenge". I think you need to question those things you find so aggravating, really if you are upset by some of those things and you aren't able to change your own reactions to things like that then this can't last. Don't worry about saving yourself, I would say do them a favour and leave. This sounds harsh, but your post makes me angry, it just sounds so superficial. The child you're talking about has some issues and could use your understanding.