Advice needed

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Last December I started a 'Friends with Benefits' type relationship with a male in his early 30's (I'm 46). This was mainly because I don't feel able to do the standard model of relationships ie going out for drinks, meals, socialising etc. I just wanted someone to talk to and for some affection but not anything too intense. But I developed very strong feelings for him and it became a roller-coaster of contact/non contact, with me feeling I was just being used for sex and him not caring about me as a person. I'd cut contact after a row then get back in contact and it would start all over again. Then in May we seemed to have a final bust-up, instigated by me but afterwards I sent a number of emails trying to make up but they were all ignored so I thought it was finally completely over, probably for the best and tried to move on.

During May/June I developed very bad depression (as I'd been off my anti-depressants and I eventually go downhill if I stay off them too long) and was just starting to come out of that in early July when he emailed me asking how I was - so then it started all over again!
We fell out again two weeks ago and I blocked him on email but also sent two angry emails asking why he had to act the way he does, then an apology one saying we aren't suited as he brings out the worst in me, lifting the block for a day to see if he replied, but he didn't.
I have now unblocked him and sent another email this week but no reply.

So it's like a repeat of the last time; some kind of game with him in full control, with him thinking he'll be the one who re-initiates contact, not me, if he decides to. He seems to see interactions as a thing he has to 'win' and be in control of and as I pick up on this and I'm a bit like it myself, I get fed up of it and don't tolerate it for long and lose my temper.

I know this is totally dysfunctional and that he doesn't care but I seem to have some kind of addiction to him whereby I can't let go! I felt there was good chemistry between us that my brain/emotions seem to be obsessed with, while logically I know he's a heartless immature brat I'm wasting my time even thinking about!

Does anyone have any advice as to how to get someone like this out of your head?

My life is boring and I seem to need male attention to feel good about myself and it's as if my brain is saying any attention is better than none. Then if we get back in touch I'm reminded of how demeaning his treatment of me is so I don't tolerate it for long. I seem incapable of learning from my mistakes and eager to keep repeating them if I get a certain pay-off from a situation.

That's life. I would not try to avoid men in general, you evidently need them and avoiding increases desire. Simply find someone (someone else). Do not worry he would use you. He may or may not. Try to tell.