NT Husband with suspected aspie wife

Post Reply New Topic

Hi I was wondering if this is a good place to ask questions about how to cope with or understand my spouse, who I suspect is aspie. It is complicated, but in general I am trying to find the line between what to expect and except, and what areas can be worked on.

Best example right now is that she never initiates affection in a way that is meaningful to me. She says if I need something to ask for it, but in my world, asking for it negates its value.

Anyway. I'm also not finding a lot of NT men dealing with aspie wives. I spend many years just figuring she was from Venus and I was from Mars, and trying to fit her into the stereotypical and already confusing topic of inter-gender relations.

I do not understand your rationale. How does asking for something negate its value? How exactly can a person read your mind and give you something if you do not state it? What is the basis for this assertion?

That's just how I feel in that example. I'm looking for different points of view though.

In a way, it would be comforting to know that having affections given when asked should be considered genuine.

This is a new vantage point for me. The last few years, I've gotten used to the idea that she doesn't consider me worthy of affection.

Again, I do not understand your logic and rationale. How do you expect a person to derive what they need without asking for it? If a person wants a glass of water how does one discern that the person wants a glass of water without asking for a glass of water?

From my point of view, you're expecting your wife have telepathy. She does not have telepathy. She can't read your mind. You may feel a person may be able to do something or you may feel that x is this. Just because you feel x is this does not mean x is actually this. This is a logical fallacy and I do not remember what this fallacy is called.

I'm not really suggesting there is logic involved, but I could respond like this:

"Again, I do not understand your logic and rationale. How do you expect a person to derive what they need without asking for it? If a person wants a glass of water how does one discern that the person wants a glass of water without asking for a glass of water?"

- It may be hot out, and you have come in from working in the sun. It would not be a unusual to offer someone a glass of water in this situation.

From my point of view, you're expecting your wife have telepathy. She does not have telepathy. She can't read your mind. You may feel a person may be able to do something or you may feel that x is this. Just because you feel x is this does not mean x is actually this. This is a logical fallacy and I do not remember what this fallacy is called.

- I'm not saying that she should know the exact moment, or type of affection that I happen to be in the mood for. I'm saying that un-prompted affection tends to be more meaningful, especially if someone has not offered affection in a long time.


You have made it clear that from your viewpoint, my expectations may not be appropriate for an individual with aspergers.

I am also interested in talking to people in a similar situation as myself and was curious if this is a good forum for that. I find it hard to find conversations about NT men with aspie wives.

As well as females with asperger's who are willing to share their experiences with marriage to NT men.

I understand what you are saying. I have to remember myself. You're coming from the emotional context and not the logical context. By the way, 1979 is when I was born and it is a good year. I was born 10 miles from three mile island.

A good year indeed

I was at a safer distance, in alberta, canada. At least, it seemed more safe?

This is the phrase that interests me here. What do you mean by it. Do you mean you just want a peck on the cheek after a long day or are you wanting her to lie back legs akimbo

I am affectionate to my NT husband and son. They are the two people who can invade my zone. Allowing them to do this is a form of affection. The fact that I don't freeze up when either hugs me is also a way of doing it. There are different ways of showing affection and love, sometimes two people don't have the same idea of what that is. My husband or a son asking for a kiss doesn't mean I love them any less. There are times it just wouldn't occur to me to offer a kiss as well. For example this evening my son fell off his bed onto a toy and hurt himself. He wanted hugs and comfort (which he got from my husband) but my first thing was to check injuries. Do I love him less because I went practical and my husband just scooped him up into his arms?

You say you suspect she is an aspie, does she also suspect?

Thanks for the response.

Well, I am talking about hugs and kisses and compliments at the moment. Although she has been rejecting sex for a year now so I am more sensitive and lonely than usual.

She has told me she expresses affection by caring for the kids and making meals. This is great but My 'love language' doesn't need that as much as a friendly hello when I walk in the door.

She is a bit better with the kids. I think they usually have to ask for hugs too. But there are many times where she is demanding certain behavior and I can clearly see that they are too tired or bored, but she just keeps yelling.

As for diagnosis, we took a test online and it confirmed some the quirks that we already know about. When I am talking to her about this, I always stress that we are just trying to learn more about specific traits and that we are not interested in labels. On a site like this, labels are useful though.

Anyway.. Sorry if my reply wasn't well structured. I am multitasking right now..

I make the effort to hug and kiss my son lots so he knows he is loved. It is a concious move on my part to do so. Less so with my husband. I return physical affection when he offers it but most of the time when I offer it, it is at times when I know it is expected, i.e when I am given a gift. I don't always say hello when he walks in, don't really know why. I am fairly quick to anger with my son when he doesn't do what I ask, like rejecting food he has enjoyed before because he says he doesn't like it. As for sex, can't help there my drive far outstrips that of my husband's.

This may help you somewhat. http://family.jrank.org/pages/49/Affect ... ction.html We aspies/autistics have different personalities from each other just like NTs do. Your wife shows affection by providing acts of service to you and for you and the children. My wife who is NT is mainly like this and she likes to spend quality of time. I like touch and quality of time. It is part of her personality.

With her demanding, I think she is just trying to get crap done and she wants the kids to do the same. She may be seeing it as trying to make sure they have an excellent future. This may be her way of showing affection. I am not sure. I don't know what your home life is like and in my opinion you should bring her on here.

Why does your son do that?

My husband and I are both Aspies, and we both do this to each other constantly. I've come to conclude that neither of us think to consider the other persons need for affection (and our specific way's that we need to be given it) unless reminded to. The more that I become aware of this, the more I'm able to implement strategies in order to not be so oblivious. For example, I find that I have to actually somewhat schedule "being affectionate" or taking time to "put myself in his shoes". This does not mean that I do not want to do these things, it just means that thinking to do them doesn't come naturally to me. I'm sure that my husband feels at times that I am insensitive or uncaring, but the truth is that I'm just oblivious, and I need to make a conscious effort to bring myself out of my own world and remind myself that there are other people in it too.

I do understand what you mean when you say that asking for affection negates it's value. I feel that way too with my husband, but than I try to remind myself that whether I give him affection because I think to on my own, or because he asks me to - I do it for the same reasons, and with the same love and motives.

I don't know if that helps you or not, but I think that talking to people on the spectrum on this site might give you some strategies to suggest to your wife. Love is a verb, so you naturally need your wife to *do* things in order to feel the love that she has for you. This might be something that she needs to learn, or needs to re-learn, or needs emphasized. Try not to let that trip you up, she does love you, but she might need your help explaining what she needs to do with that love (and ways to remember to do it consistently).

Probably because he is 4

Thanks for the responses. Good conversation!

One of you posted a link about communication types. My wife and I took the "love language" quiz and this same issue was brought out at that point too. She sees acts of service as a way to be affectionate. And me being a guy, I like to hear about how useful I am and then get some physical attention.

The thing I kind of wierded me out is that she thought that after taking the test, I was supposed to understand her love language was to make supper and clean the house and then be happy with that. When I suggested that *I* use acts of service to express affection, and she should try being physical, etc.. she basically pretended she didn't hear me and then reiterated that she expresses her affection by acts of service and that I should appreciate that.

Anyway I bought a book called loving your aspie spouse ( or something like that, I don't do details ) and she agreed to read it together so maybe it will phrase things in a better way or something. Waiting for it to arrive in the mail...

Oh another thing I should mention. I have some friends who are more familiar with the different flavors of autism and so I asked them what they thought about my spouse, and they basically said "oh.. we thought you knew ( that she was on the spectrum ) already? "