I'm going back to school for the first time in three years next week and I'm more than a little anxious about it. It seems ridiculous as I'm 22 now and I was 18 then but I feel less prepared and more of a wreck than I was when I was 18. I think that I'm going to do better this time, I think the concept of what an education means to me has become more firmly established in my mind but the auxiliary experience which goes along with getting an education, an experience which some argue is more valuable than the degree program itself, seems much more imposing at this point.
When I was 18 I was on top of the world; socially anxious to be sure, apprehensive about being across the country from my parents, worried about uprooting everything that was comfortable and constant in the past; none of this concerned me though, I was confident in myself, young, feeling good, ready to try to not only survive but take on new opportunities full throttle. I was one of 25 students in my entering class receiving the most lucrative merit scholarship, I was wanted, all I had to do was walk down a fairly easy path. My freshman year was not as easy as it might have been on some counts and more successful than I could have imagined in others. I found friends, a lot of them, social interaction that had been unavailable to me in the past, I became a fixture of freshman social life on campus. Finding acceptance that had seemed so impossible to me in the past caused me to neglect a lot of my other responsibilities, I rarely went to class, I used a lot of recreational drugs and alcohol which helped me feel more like the normal kids I wanted so much to be a part of (and was succeeding somewhat,) I didn't get involved in anything on a campus with great opportunities that didn't have to do with partying with my new friends. I limped through my first semester with an A-, a B- and two C-s. Not up to my usual standard, not enough to lose my scholarship although enough to put it's on a contingency probation, I went home wanting to do better the next semester and thrilled yet exhausted from the effort of maintaining this new life.
As the intro foreshadowed, my second semester was a disaster, a lot of my anxiety issues returned worse than before and were no longer handled well by my haphazard regimen of willpower and intoxication. Interacting with people who I considered real friends at this point became a daily struggle, my friends knew that I was withdrawing from social life, rarely attending classes, but couldn't figure out why. I began to spiral really hard due to my anxiety about human interaction, anxiety about how much class I'd missed (an anxiety that would irrationally cause me to panic and not attend more classes as if I could avoid falling as far behind as I had by not acknowledging it.) I had significant health problems midway through the semester (head trauma) that I let go untreated, this in part led to a deep depression, I continued to maintain some semblance of a social life but my classes were ruined and I couldn't bring myself to withdraw from the school and admit to my parents how badly I'd f****d up. I quietly failed all my classes, went home, and didn't tell my parents that I'd been indefinitely suspended until a few weeks before I was to go back.
At that point I wasn't sure that I was ever going to go back to school even though they laid out a very clear way for me to go back, I had to take classes somewhere else, prove I could get through them and apply to be reinstated for the next year... I made it as far as signing up for the classes. I never went to one, I put up a ridiculous charade for my parents of attending but for whatever reason I couldn't make myself go, I was still suffering from PCS, didn't feel the drive to complete anything. I spent most of my time purportedly in class at either the Casino or sleeping in spare bedrooms at various friend's houses. My part-time hobby of advantage gambling warped into a temporary career path. When the time came where I could have applied to return I informed my parents that I would be gambling professionally, they were upset but supportive and I knew they really wouldn't have wanted anything more than for me to find a way back.
I wandered around in this vein for a while, travelling to tournaments, working in whatever capacity that I was capable for my Dad's company in an attempt to at least get training for an alternate career in lieu of education. However, not long into this venture into professional gambling they discovered that my dad had a Stage IV brain tumor, I put everything on hold to be with my parents during his treatment. We moved to an unfamiliar place with a top notch brain cancer unit, moved into a cottage nearby for the duration, my dad had initially successful surgery, battled with the disease for 11 months and ultimately lost, he passed away early this year. I was devastated in a manner that words can't describe. My dad had always been my best friend, my go to, my confidant, the only person who understood the quirks that baffled most , understood me.
I tried to be there for my mom as much as I could but I mostly fell into a deep depression, the only exit to which seemed to be drugs which brought me to either euphoria or oblivion. I hid myself from the world save for brief moments, I lost a lot of hope. During one of my last coherent discussions with my dad he implored me to go back to school, to go for one of the dreams that I used to have, that he hoped I still had. It hasn't been easy but I largely pulled my s**t together, started trying to get back out there, cut out the drugs that were really f*****g with my mental state, and figure out where I was going.
I started trying to do productive things that would advance my working knowledge of industries I was interested in. On a wing and a prayer I went to the college that I had fallen out of grace and sight with so abruptly three years earlier, explained my story to them, asked them to take me back with the understanding that the worst they could say was no. They said yes. I go back in September.
Obviously I am excited to try and get my life moving in a good direction, but questions and doubts plague my return. At a small college with almost no non-traditional students I'm going to spend a lot of time there as someone who is significantly older than pretty much everyone. I have doubts about whether I am sharp as I was then, whether the atrophy of time and drug use has taken the edge which used to make academic achievement effortless when I was younger. I wonder whether the rebound of my anxiety, getting thrown back into the same arena I so spectacularly failed last time will be doable for me.
As I said earlier, I sit here, more mature (I hope,) older, with more perspective; but without the sense of personal confidence that I used to possess or at least pretend at. I know I can do better this time, I just hope that my over-tested mental stability can carry me through.
Not really sure what the point of this was, not sure what advice I'm looking for but God knows I would love some, I just needed to vent somewhere as my anxiety, excitement and insomnia compel the words to come.
23 Aug 2012, 5:26 am
