I can't stand people anymore.
I think some people are uncomfortable with things they don't understand. And rather than trying to understand it is just easier to either ignore the issue or the person. I think there is also a very poor understanding of AS in the general public. And because a lot of people see it primarily as a psychiatric issue, they have the faulty impression that you could stop it if only you tried hard enough.
I do not think it is at all weird for you to want reassurance. I think it is completely normal. It might help you to look for that reassurance in other places, though, because it seems like many of the people you've turned to are unable to offer it. Perhaps you could find out if there are any groups for people with AS on your campus. I imagine there are. Another thing I have found is it seems to be that many people with ADHD tend to have a high degree of understanding of those with AS. So even if there wasn't anything for AS, perhaps looking for a group for people with ADHD would help. I think it would just help you to find a group of people who are not like others, who are aware of it, and who would like to talk about it. I mean, of course you can do that here, but sometimes it is nice to have F2F interactions, too.
But seriously, even the psychologist I know (who said she suspected I've got AS too, but that it might just as well be something else) has stopped talking to me. I've been told it might have been because I emailed her with too many questions (3 emails in 2 months, which I don't think is that much) because she told me I could email her if I had questions. I've been told people don't always mean "email me" or "call me" when they say "email me" or "call me". I makes me really annoyed when people don't say what they mean and mean what they say.
About joining a group for people with AS. I don't think I can do that. I mean, I would feel like a liar or something. I don't know if I have AS and if I don't know for sure if I've got AS I can't go to one of those groups. Do you know what I mean?
The only people who have really tried to understand what I'm going through and the only people who seem to care are you guys here at WP. I've never met someone like-minded "in real life".
EDIT: And I hope that I'm still allowed to read and post things here even if it turns out I don't have AS.
thomas81
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Age: 42
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Location: County Down, Northern Ireland
Maybe a better question to ask would be, what reason do you have to believe that you are NT?
Having never met you i'm not qualified to pass judgement, but if the content of your posts is a reliable guide (stimming, meltdowns, extreme social anxiety) i think its fairly safe to conclude you are on the spectrum. The only thing to deduce is your level of functionality.
If you are still in any doubt, at least sit the aspie quiz if you haven't already done so . It is a fairly scientific and fairly reliable self diagnosis tool.
http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
Having never met you i'm not qualified to pass judgement, but if the content of your posts is a reliable guide (stimming, meltdowns, extreme social anxiety) i think its fairly safe to conclude you are on the spectrum. The only thing to deduce is your level of functionality.
If you are still in any doubt, at least sit the aspie quiz if you haven't already done so . It is a fairly scientific and fairly reliable self diagnosis tool.
http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
There are several reasons to why I think I might be NT:
- I've lived for almost 22 years but no one's ever really thought I have AS.
- I can function in social situations (not all of them, but some of them), I can force myself to socialise and I can make friends. I'm very aware people with AS can do so as well (I'm not ignorant or anything) but my brain tells me if I can function socially (even if it's in a limited sort of way) I don't have AS.
- I'm scared I might be "faking" my problems (unintentionally) and/or being delusional.
Etc.
I've taken the aspie quiz before and it said something like 130 of 200 Aspie points and 89 of 200 NT points, "you're very likely an Aspie". I'm quite sceptical towards online tests though.
Would you be comfortable saying you are not NT, even if you don't have an answer for what you are? That's basically where I have landed, though the diagnostic criteria for ADHD fit me well enough that I can say I have it, even though I don't really think that is what it is. I think realistically, I am a subclinical Aspie, or shadow. Which to me means that I have the traits, just not to the degree that it would warrant a formal diagnosis. I have never come across a group of Aspies who have not welcomed me. And one group in particular welcomed me even when I insisted I was NT when they asked me if I was AS. The thing with labels like AS is that they are man-made descriptors of constructs that are not directly observable. They are only inferrable through behavior. No description may fully explain or describe all objects that belong under that construct. Some will inevitably be missed by the description, but that doesn't mean they don't fit in the construct, if that makes sense.
Can you do that? Sit in the space where you recognize you have atypical wiring and then go from there? I don't think going to a IRL group would be that much different than coming here. I think the people there will all understand how it feels to feel like a misfit and I think most of them, especially if they are functioning high enough to go to college, will have faced their own self doubt and the doubt of others. You are not lying or "something" if you say "Look, I don't know if I have AS or not. What I do know is that socialization is very difficult and stressful for me, so I am looking to find people who will understand where I am coming from."
And, even if you don't get a diagnosis, no one has asked me to stop posting here and I do not have AS
_________________
Mom to 2 exceptional atypical kids
Long BAP lineage
thomas81
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Age: 42
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Location: County Down, Northern Ireland
There are several reasons to why I think I might be NT:
- I've lived for almost 22 years but no one's ever really thought I have AS.
- I can function in social situations (not all of them, but some of them), I can force myself to socialise and I can make friends. I'm very aware people with AS can do so as well (I'm not ignorant or anything) but my brain tells me if I can function socially (even if it's in a limited sort of way) I don't have AS.
- I'm scared I might be "faking" my problems (unintentionally) and/or being delusional.
Etc.
I've taken the aspie quiz before and it said something like 130 of 200 Aspie points and 89 of 200 NT points, "you're very likely an Aspie". I'm quite sceptical towards online tests though.
Your case is almost a carbon copy of mine, and after a 2 year wait i finally recieved a positive ASD diagnosis.
The only difference is I lived for almost 30 years and no one mentioned up to then I might be autistic. The problem is general ignorance in the public and a lack of awareness aboutwhat autism actually is.
Can you do that? Sit in the space where you recognize you have atypical wiring and then go from there? I don't think going to a IRL group would be that much different than coming here. I think the people there will all understand how it feels to feel like a misfit and I think most of them, especially if they are functioning high enough to go to college, will have faced their own self doubt and the doubt of others. You are not lying or "something" if you say "Look, I don't know if I have AS or not. What I do know is that socialization is very difficult and stressful for me, so I am looking to find people who will understand where I am coming from."
And, even if you don't get a diagnosis, no one has asked me to stop posting here and I do not have AS
Unfortunately I'm not comfortable doing that. I feel like if I can't know I'm NT I can't say I'm NT and if I can't know I've got AS I can't say I've got AS. It's probably more likely I'm NT though. Even though I've never felt like I've met people who understand me. I've always felt very different. Do you know what I mean?
The only difference is I lived for almost 30 years and no one mentioned up to then I might be autistic. The problem is general ignorance in the public and a lack of awareness aboutwhat autism actually is.
Also, I forgot to mention I doubt if I've had enough traits as a child.
thomas81
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Also, I forgot to mention I doubt if I've had enough traits as a child.
Snap.
During my assessment it was not determined for example, if i had the associated speech delays. Still got my diagnosis though.
Its worth knowing that with asperger's at least the childhood developmental delays arent always present. My symptoms were very subtle which is why i had no idea until i started going on internet forums and got talking to people about it at the age of 28.
Last edited by thomas81 on 31 Aug 2012, 6:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Okay, seriously! It's 1.10am. The people I'm staying at just got home from somewhere. It's impossible to miss the fact that I was sleeping (you see me when you walk through the front door) but instead of being quiet they were laughing loudly, turning on the lights and now they're standing a couple of meters away from me still talking loudly and laughing. I obviously woke up and instead of being quiet they laughed and said "good morning!". I said "not really" and then they kept asking me things like "what did you do today?" and now they're still freaking talking! WHY are they tormenting me like this? Do people really do these things? I'm getting angry again.
thomas81
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Posts: 5,147
Location: County Down, Northern Ireland
Its the weekend so they are probably assuming that they arent upsetting anyone because no one needs to be up early.
I've noticed at weekends NT's seem to be selfish jackasses around this time of the week when they enter 'party mode'.
During my assessment it was not determined for example, if i had the associated speech delays. Still got my diagnosis though.
Its worth knowing that with asperger's at least the childhood developmental delays arent always present. My symptoms were very subtle which is why i had no idea until i started going on internet forums and got talking to people about it at the age of 28.
These are a few examples of what I was like as a child:
- I started talking when I was 6 months old and I could read when I was 3,5 years.
- I was a very cautious, observant and meek child.
- I always followed the rules and I was like a policeman at home, always busting my siblings when they did something wrong.
- I was "old for my age" and/or "wise beyond my years".
- I participated in "role plays" but I preferred reading, drawing and building with Lego.
- I loved knights and ice-hockey.
- I was never a girly girl and I had always different interests to other girls my age.
- I was bullied in school.
- I was very quiet in school which lead to me getting lower grades than I "deserved" throughout all my school years.
- I liked collecting things and sorting my collections.
- My dad had to teach me how to hug people properly.
- I was socially anxious.
- I liked hanging out with adults and I remember I wanted to grow up quickly because I thought people my age were boring.
Things like that. I've got more examples but I'm too tired to write them down right now.
I've noticed at weekends NT's seem to be selfish jackasses around this time of the week when they enter 'party mode'.
But seriously, how hard can it be? They clearly saw I was asleep. They're sober so they should be able to use their brains properly.
EDIT: I should also mention that when I told my mother about my memories from my childhood she's said that my memories are incorrect and that I base them on feelings rather than facts. That my memories are only memories of how I experienced things but not what reality really looked like. I never talked about my problems so maybe it's not so weird she didn't see them. I don't know. But she makes me question my own memories which makes me even more confused.
thomas81
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Joined: 2 May 2012
Age: 42
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Posts: 5,147
Location: County Down, Northern Ireland
Again, your story doesnt seem that dissimilar to mine.
I was also 'into' sports... I endeavoured to support Manchester United to fit in with my social peers.
I had a longing to be accepted into the herd for acceptance's sake.
I was also bullied at school, I collected soft toys whom i assigned different names and personalities. I actually kept my teddy bears up until the age of about 14, now that i think about it thats the only severe developmental delay i had.
But seriously, how hard can it be? They clearly saw I was asleep.
Ive noticed NT's seem to be less civil and courteous when they are drunk. Or at least those who are able to hide their drunkeness.
Youve got to remember they are also susceptible to peer pressure. At worst they may deliberately be trying to get a rise out of you.
I was also 'into' sports... I endeavoured to support Manchester United to fit in with my social peers.
I had a longing to be accepted into the herd for acceptance's sake.
I was also bullied at school, I collected soft toys whom i assigned different names and personalities. I actually kept my teddy bears up until the age of about 14, now that i think about it thats the only severe developmental delay i had.
I hated sports. Physical Education was the worst. I think I kept my stuffed animals until I was 15 or so.
Ive noticed NT's seem to be less civil and courteous when they are drunk.
They're sober.
thomas81
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Age: 42
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Posts: 5,147
Location: County Down, Northern Ireland
I hated sports. Physical Education was the worst. I think I kept my stuffed animals until I was 15 or so.
.
I also hated sports. I pretended to like them so I could fit in with the crowd and feel less alien.
This was during the early 90's when there was almost no autism awareness. As for the stuffed animals, bear in mind I am male. Its unusual for a teenage boy to collect soft toys.
They're sober.
See the edit to my last post.
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