Making friends as an adult

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Hi,

I'm undiagnosed but I think I'm either an aspie or on the mild side of the spectrum. I'm currently 38, married with kids. I had a small group of friends in high school who I hung out with almost every week. But when I got my first girlfriend (now my wife) I started to drift away from them and spend more time with her. When kids came, it grew even worse. I now see them only once a year or less, and we don't talk on the phone or email. I also have not made any new friends since school, only casual acquaintances at work. I don't have a social life at all. At work functions, I can make small talk but it's an effort and I don't particularly enjoy it.

I don't have a Facebook account since I essentially have no close friends anymore. I don't feel particularly lonely since I have my family, but i think it would be quite embarrassing for them at my funeral when no friends turn up! This is not how a normal adult is supposed to live right?

Should I sign up for a Facebook account? Only 1 person so far has asked me to join, that's how pathetic my social life is. Would I be able to make more friends through Facebook?

My interests are also quite outside the mainstream, which is why I find it hard to connect with people at work. We mostly talk about politics or business. I'm not into sports, don't watch local tv or movies, or listen to local radio. I like music from the sixties and seventies and classical music. I listen to obscure podcasts when I drive. When colleagues talk about a funny commercial or viral YouTube video, I can't contribute. Most recent example is the Olympics - I didn't watch a single minute of it and didn't know what my colleagues were talking about.

I do not think it is healthy not to have a social life outside your family. My husband and I we are very close, we do not have many friends, it is usually just the three of us: our 12 years-old (she is not very social, either), he and me. But sometimes you need someone else. Someone to talk about those things you cannot talk with your partner because HE is part of the problem. I only have two friends I can talk to. My husband has two friends, also. Its not a lot, but is enough.

I think you should find a way to get together with your old friends more often. You already know them and feel good around them, do I do not think you need to make new friends. Just find the way to spend time with them again. I do not think having a Facebook account will help. I have a FB account. I have a lot of "friends" there. But they are not really friends. Some of them I know in real life, but most of them I have never met (those are my FB friends). My daughter also has a FB account with lots of friends and has only 3 friends in real life.

Thanks for your reply. I think the problem is that my old friends have their own lives now, and we've all drifted apart. Many times we've tried arranging get togethers but failed due to conflicting schedules. I thought maybe at least if I had a Facebook account, I could still post on their walls and keep in touch that way. The problem with Facebook is that there are people i'd rather not contact with like some relatives.

One of the reasons I avoided Facebook for so long is to avoid drama like relatives asking me why I don't friend them. But I feel now that maybe Facebook will let me feel not so isolated from society.

Maybe I should join some local clubs that share my interests.

I have the same sort of problem except that i'm not married. I've found joining a club helpful because you see each other often, which helps tremendously with developing friendships faster. I've also discovered that watching one popular show per season helps since it gives me something to use during small talk that others might be interested in. And seeing the commercials for some of the other shows gives me an idea of what people are talking about when they discuss current shows. And since new episodes air weekly we're only talking one hour or 1/2 hour per week (I'm into visual arts so i've been watching "So You Think You Can Dance").

As for facebook, I think everyone has people they don't want to "friend" but it does help keep in touch with people you want to keep up with but constantly have conflicting schedules. I'd recommend it,especially if the people you want to be friends with are on there a lot. Though to keep the family peace you may need to "friend" these relatives so as not to insult them. Though I wouldn't friend anyone who you think might bully you or has some ulterior motive, regardless of whether or not they are a relative.
In my case I didn't joint FB until I joined a local club, mainly because that's how they communicated different events going on in the club. Also, my best friend and I sometimes don't see each other for a few months. Since we're both on FB we comment on each other's posts. This helps us keep in touch with what's going on in each other's lives and keeps us from drifting apart for too long.

Above all I think any friendship requires a certain amount of give or take. Like getting together once a month for the sake of seeing people so the friendship doesn't die, even if you don't feel like seeing them. Or at least calling and talking for a while.

Everyone tells me how hard it is make friends as an adult but as an aspie male who lives alone it's a nightmare. I simply can't sem to meet anyone who is in my life situation. My best luck so far has been to join a Sport and Social Club. It's ridiculously expensive but I have met a wide variety of people. Two in particular are close to friends but one is married and works long hours and the other has a hobby I have zero interest in (single as well and filthy rich). I have met a lot of people who accept my eccentric personality and have even felt comfortable to tell them about Aspergers to which I seem to be treated just fine. The only thing is most of the women are much younger and only there because their boyfriend/fiance/husband is it too and the men are usually either married or much younger (under 21) to which both are almost impossible to relate to. At the very least I have met a few females that I can converse with that can help me in that aspect of life.

My problem is that I do play hockey regularly but I'm a goalie so we are usually seen as oddballs in general (and proud of it!) and fellow goalies are generally either extremely introverted and almost mute (more so than me) or extremely loud and outgoing with little in between, not to mention they are in the other locker room after the game anyway. This summer I promised myself I would try as many new activities as possible and while I still don't have a close friend or partner, I can confidently say I am MUCH closer than I was just a few months ago.

What a strange world we live in. I decided to return to the gym this evening and who should I meet but a co-worker from 10 years ago. To say he was excited and is very eager to get together would be the ultimate understatement. To take a quote from the song I'm listening to "funny how life can turn around in an instant". We have a lot to talk about and while this might not be the one, this is the first time I have ever had someone not only initiate contact but wish to continue contact in a L-O-N-G time! If there is hope for me there is hope for everyone!

Facebook isnt for making friends, its for showing off how many friends you have. Ofcourse, these friends have never met eachother in person, so they're little more than a collection of people to share memes and smalltalk with.

Thoughts on Facebook:

Unless they've changed it, you should be able to hide your friend list (they've made it harder to do this, but I did it. Google and keep trying until you find out how.). Once your friend list is hidden, no more worries about others seeing how few "friends" you have. I only have 10 "friends", but 6 of them are my wife's family (who live out of town), 1 of the wife of a friend, and 3 are semi-close friends. That's it. With my "friends" hidden, though, no embarrassment.

Another thing - don't count on Facebook to automatically make you feel LESS lonely/etc. Sometimes its fun to interact with people on my account, but I also get to watch friends of my friends (who of course have hundreds of friends) all interacting. So I get to watch other people having a huge social life (including with my "friends") while I have almost nothing still. That can be painful sometimes, and sometimes I've withdrawn from Facebook at least for awhile, because of that.

One thing I can never figure out though is HOW people on Facebook get so many "friends". Like Facebook will tell me that "John" is now friends with "Peter" - but who the hell is Peter and how did they decide to "friend" each other? And why do they now care about each other's lives and posts and such? I'm still not understanding how all that works, AT ALL.

More than half my social circle is made up of paid professionals, counselors and my shrink at nearby clinic.

I don't work, so there are no colleagues to (fail to) befriend.

Have one friend in town whom I see once a week,
another friend where I used to live, who I haven't seen for almost 2 years,
and another friend moved away across the country.

Have an SO, but it's LDR so we see each other when we can-
which isn't as regularly as we both would like, but that's how it is for the moment...

Wish I had more social life, but strangers seem untrustworthy and scary to me,
and I don't know how to put up with them long enough to find out which ones I might enjoy (and vice versa).

I've found that websites like Meetup.com help in terms of meeting friends with common interests. If Meetup isn't available in your area, why not try a volunteerism group like the Moose, Elks, or Kiwanis clubs? Around here we also have volunteer groups coordinated around Occupy Wall Street.

I don't exactly agree with most stuff in Occupy but I do support immigrant rights activism, and sometimes participate in stuff relating to that. Like I cook food at Occupy events and Food Not Bombs.

Joining facebook will give you at least a small sense that you are somewhat connected to people. When I first joined all kinds of people came out of the woodwork. People that I was friends with when I was a kid but hadn't seen or heard from since!

I don't socialise much, and have only have a few friends (none of whom I'm especially close to, but they are people I can visit now and again) so being in facebook let's me stay connected.

The flip side to this though, is that it becomes painfully obvious that these are all shallow superficial connections. When you post a status update about something bothering you, very few if any will reply. It's really hard to be authentic, genuine and compassionate online. I saw an update once where the person had written that they had just been diagnosed with cancer and that there was nothing the doctors could do and that they felt so awful they'd be leaving their children behind. The responses were about as compassionate as you'd expect to see if someone announced they had the flu. "I'm sorry to hear that, if you need anything let me know".

Having virtual friends is not the same thing as having real friends. I don't see or talk to most people on facebook, and in a way it makes me feel lonelier when they all post pictures of their amazing weekends and interesting lives - and of course, I'm just on the outside looking in.

Today, where I am with this is coming to understand that my social needs are different than those that society at large might consider "normal". One or two people to chat with on the phone once a week, plus my weekly counseling session, plus chit/chat with store cashiers is plenty for me. Any more than that and I tend to get to caught-up in the social interactions and lose track of my myself.