Does anyone take you seriously?

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...because I find that my family does not.

My most recent frustration comes from the fact that everything seems to be my fault when it comes to my family's oppinion. Even worse, I try my best to understand why they think this and try to figure out what I did wrong, but I never really get it. Worse still, I try and explaine why I did what I did and why I felt the way I felt when I did it and they just brush it off and say something like "You're not stupid, I shouldn't have to explaine this to you." even though I've said over and over that, no, I DON'T f*****g understand and I'm at the end of my rope trying to figure it all out! ...they just don't seem to care about anything other than telling me all the things I've done wrong but when I try to get them to understand MY point of view they just treat me like a silly child that is complaning about grown up stuff (I'm twenty f*****g three).

The most recent example is this: My older sister has a pretty severe drinking problem and before she wasted ten grand going to rehab she asked me one day what I thought of her problem. I skillfully avoided the question and it didn't come up again until a couple weeks later when she called me on it. She got all pissy and said she'd asked me for my honest opinion and wanted to know why I sidestepped the question. So I told her that besides the fact that we both know how I felt about it, because there is only one way you can feel about living with an alcoholic (i.e. not good), I don't think that just because someone asks me for my opinion that it gives them the right to have it. Yeah, you're asking for it but they are still my private thoughts and feelings and I don't think I should have to tell you them just because you asked for it. My dad, who had been listening to this paeticular conversation, said at this point, "Well that's a pretty damn selfish thing to say to someone."

I could only sit there and stare at him. I was totally confused. How could someone not understand that? I couldn't have explained it any clearer. And even if they didn't agree with what I was saying, they should have at least respected the fact that that is how I feel.

Am I way out of line here or does anyone else have this problem with their family? I don't know what to do...I'm starting to resent them all and I don't want to hate my family but I'm just so f*****g exhausted...I've been at this for a long, LONG time, as you all can relate, and no matter what I do, they just don't seem to care about what I have to say. It's like they all gang up on me and talk about me when I'm not around. About how stupid I am, about how I don't get stuff, how I'm mean and inapropriate and how they need to fix me...

Any advice on how you guys have handled similar situations would be GREATLY appriciated.

No one ever does, but I don't give a s**t because their no big deal themselves.

Yes. In fact, seriously seems to be the only way most people take me. I have a reputation as being the person who can solve any problem and destroy any opponent in a debate, so most people choose not to oppose me.

sedods, humans won't take assertiveness from someone who needs them more than they need her. Your best bet is to become as independent from them as you possibly can. I don't mean distanced but independent. Financially, executively and affectively. From experience of a lifetime with your problem, I now know after half a century that's what I should've invested in doing, from age zero. Give it some thought, and if you come to the conclusion that I'm right, don't waste any time, start as soon as possible to build yourself up, up, up. You'll care less what they say and in turn they'll respect you more.

I feel like this happens in my family a lot....I don't get taken seriously. Although I act like a child a lot of the time so I can kind of see why......

Last edited by daydreamer84 on 02 Sep 2012, 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You will probably do not like what I am going to say: your father is right. It is a selfish thing to say. It is selfish to refuse to give someone (who is asking politely) your point of view, and not only denying to give your point of view, but avoiding the subject.

You are right about one thing: that someone asks for something does not mean that you have to give it. You can refuse. But you HAVE to refuse. And by refusing you are being selfish. It is just not appreciated in a civil society, where all depend on one another. Keeping things for yourself, refusing to share with other is selfishness. I do not see the big deal about it. Apparently you just do not like being told the truth. And no, nobody is going to like or respect your selfishness.

Seriously @ llka your comment is strange. If you ask a stupid question that beckons a negative answer, what do you expect?

I can only assume you mean my question, since Iilka didn't ask one. I was asking for advice. If I'd wanted a reply like this one I would have just asked my dad.



I understand where you are coming from, but is it not equally as selfish for someone to ask me to do something I've made clear makes me very uncomfortable? Also, I've spent the last year and a half taking care of my sister. Cleaning up after her, taking her car keys away when she wanted to drive drunk to the store for more booze even though she'd scream and swear and not talk to me for days after. Washing her clothes so she'd have something clean to wear when she actually managed to go to work. Driving her to the hospital several times because she deliberately hurt herself...I've spent a lot of time looking after her and she has never once acknowledged it...she knows I feel negatively about her drinking and I don't understand why making me say it out loud will do anything. It certainly didn't when I finally did tell her how I felt about it.

I have no issue with being told the truth. My issue is that it feels like I have been putting up with a lot of negativity and criticism form my family...and I feel like they expect me to continue putting up with it. The moment I try and defend myself, they attack harder.

That is just one example I happened to choose. I could give you a lot more. Like I spend an entire afternoon cleaning the house and my mom comes over and looks and looks and looks until she finds the thing that I didn't do. When I try and explaine that I didn't get to it that day because I decided to focus on cleaning all this other stuff or that I was planning on doing it tomorrow, she just scoffs and rolls her eyes. And this is MY house, not hers. MINE. If I ever went to her house and did that she'd biff a frying pan at my head. (seriously, she's done it before for less serious stuff).

So I'm not saying I don't have my selfish moments, I am far from perfect. What I don't get is why it's so much worse when I'M selfish. And when I try and point out that everyone, my family included, does things sometimes that aren't nice but that it doesn't mean they are horrible people, they just...tell me how wrong I am until I finally just agree to get them to go away.

Probably it's so much worse when you are selfish because you are too good. When someone puts up with a lot, people expect you will always do. They tend to... abuse you. I watched a very funny French movie a couple of weeks ago. I do not remember the name, but it was about a goody-goody girl abused by everybody around her, that one day decided to stop being good. It was VERY good. Maybe you should try that approach. The first step is ignore their negative/blaming comments. But really ignore them = not caring for them. Do not allow their negative comments to have an effect on you. Maybe they will respect you a little more.

Not until something happens to prove me right, although my employer has come to rely on my opinions more often than others.

The folks at church would not believe me when I told them that their church was vulnerable to theft, until several computers and instruments were stolen while the pastor was leading a weekday conference.

The neighbors would not believe me when I told them that the new people down the road might be prostitutes and/or dealing drugs until the big police raid that blocked off our street for 24 hours.

My relatives would not believe me when I told them that one of their favorite cousins was bullying the younger ones until I showed them the video (yes, it also showed me putting a stop to his abuse).

I don't know ... maybe it's my flat facial expression and lack of arm-waving and screaming that causes them to think I don't know what I'm talking about.

People took me more seriously when I lived alone and I had a full-time job.

Yes, I can identify with some of this stuff. Your family sounds very NT and very much like they take you for granted and take out whatever frustrations they have on you. They do it because it works. You put up with it and the other family members seem to approve of it. People tend not to appreciate something or someone unless they have a reason to - it doesn't just happen automatically. They only appreciate it when it isn't there any more! It's sad, but true. They also take the path of least resistance and only do as much as they have to. If someone else washed my clothes for me I wouldn't bother washing them myself either.

Totally agree with what Moondust said. If you're not independent of your family yet then become independent as soon as you can. If you already are independent then show it! You mentioned that you have your own house and that's a big, big thing.

Weak people like that will take advantage of you as long as you let them. It will only stop if you stop it. They won't. Why would they, even if they could? Some time ago I read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand and what Rearden goes through with his family really helped me to understand how I felt about this. Ayn Rand still describes it much better than I could, though. I highly recommend the book.

Most of the time, I don't even take myself seriously.

My coworkers and people I've met on the internet take me seriously. My family sometimes doesn't.

My family is starting to take me seriously. They're finally starting to take me as I am.

Very much so.