Really Got Fooled

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Please pardon me, but...

<rant>
I know I don't read people well, but I really got slammed recently. Someone I've known for 10 years is turning out to be mostly, almost entirely, it seems, a fraud. Others around me were fooled, too, so I'm not alone. But this isn't the first time I've been lied to in a big way, and my ability to judge character is more seriously in doubt for me than ever before. People who do this take advantage of the extent to which I'm liked and respected in whatever crowd I'm in, so they look good to people who trust me. But I now know I can't trust my own judgement. What am I supposed to do, have somebody else check out all my friends for me? I defended this guy when I thought others were persecuting him unfairly. Now I see how gullible I've been. I won't go into details, but it's a sickening mess. All I can say is that I'm glad to be rid of this guy, now that I know what was really going on.
</rant>

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Wrong Planet...

I'm truly sorry to hear about that. I've been used and taken for a ride by people like that (actually, I literally gave one person rides all the time--that was the only reason she was friendly to me).

You do have at least a couple of real friends, though, right?

Since others around you were fooled too, it doesn't mean you're gullible, since all of those people didn't expect this either. It just means that you were just unfortunate enough to meet him, and that he was just one of those people who people in general think they can trust, but they end up letting you down. I'm so sorry that this guy was such a jerk and did this to you, hopefully he'll at least see the impact of this situation on others and see the error of his ways.

thats me.

Im always the one left holding the bag

Since others were fooled, it looks like it wasn't you, it just means that person did such a good job. You have to be very good at it for anyone to not notice.

My girlfriend is very good to me, so I hope our relationship continues to strengthen through our tough times (of which I've spoken elsewhere). But I tend to have most of my friendships lightly, because of past troubles. In the past, I've lost friendships because I came to a point of being at odds with others and wouldn't have the opinion they told me to or wouldn't do something they said I should do. Refusing to obey when a conflict arose ended each of the few close friendships I had in my 20s. But since my 30s, I've had this new problem of being fooled by people I hang out with. (At least I think it's new.) This is the third time I've discovered it, and it's very unsettling. I may also be looking at the end of another friendship, though I'm not sure yet, because of not doing as I'm told again. I refuse to be dictated to and do things I don't think are the right choice for me, but my friends expect me to be passive, I guess. I feel no need to be in charge, so I guess this makes them think I want them to be in charge. Really, it's just that I don't think anybody has to be dominant and that I'm okay with hanging out and doing whatever people like to do most of the time. Others often come up with more ideas for what to do than I do or ideas that appeal to more people than mine. That's different from wanting others to lord it over me.

Now I'm very distressed, the more I find out about how much is wrong about this guy. I had to keep my head down and concentrate during grocery shopping to keep from hopping up and down tonight. I feel guilty when other people lie, as though I should have to prove the veracity of my statements or pay the consequences. I actually can back up what I say, but I feel all the more need to have the proof ready. This is too weird for me. I don't know how to work with this. It's disturbing my world and driving me to want to hide from everyone. I hope this feeling will get better over time.

I saw a post in another thread that said watching "Lie to Me" can help with reading facial expressions and such. I wonder if Netflix has it. Maybe that's where that poster found so many episodes to watch in a row. Maybe I'll try that. I need to work on this problem. Many people were fooled by this particular guy, but not everyone was. I need to learn what the people who weren't fooled might've known.

I am so sorry you were hurt by a friend you found lying to you. I caught a good friend in a thick lie several years back and that was very difficult because it had been going on for awhile. I finally had to be bold and call her out on it, and she admitted the truth.
It can be hard for me to tell when people are lying, so a few months ago a friend gave me some pointers on it. Mostly all I ever saw before were inconsistencies with details or communication and that's mostly still all I see. Every once in awhile her advice helps.
Lately I have thought several of my friends/acquaintances have been lying to me about something, or at least concealing a truth, and since I rarely talk about my perspective I'm sure they are not aware how it affects me when their behavior shifts from being relatively consistent pattern for years to being suddenly inconsistent. But at least a few people around here might be able to relate to that.
I will check out those movies somehow, and take some time to do some reading.

Some people are impeccable liars and con artists. Most of us (even NTs) have been fooled before. It would be an error to suspect everyone of being the same because most people are not impeccable liars and con artists.

Sorry it happened. I once trusted someone as an "autism expert" because they claimed to be on the spectrum, but they were found out to be a fraud. I trusted their opinion with my own kids. It sucked, but you eventually get over it.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oulq1lncqzU[/youtube]

TheSunAlsoRises

Good video. Thanks. I also took the time to watch the Main Ingredient version taken from an episode of Soul Train. That was worthwhile.

Yeah, I'll get through this one. It probably won't be the last time, but that's life, I guess. The up side is that it was only a friend and not a lover. For my sister, though, that's the tough part. And the fact that he met her through me makes it all the worse for me. He's lied about so many things and clearly has a contempt for women that I never knew about. A boyfriend of one of her friends who met this guy said so, and so did a cop she talked to (long story...) This is a big mess. And I thought for years that his big flaw was that he was too generous and big hearted! But we'll all sort through it. It doesn't look like my sister will suffer any serious, long-term damage - just heartbreak followed by the shock of all this discovery. At least he shouldn't be able to circulate with the same people, getting away with the same things, anymore after this.

Thanks for all the support, everyone!