Kindergartener mainstreamed - do you tell other parents??

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I am curious to know, our daughter started kinder and has now made a friend(per her kinder teacher a girl that we met during orientation - thank goodness I met the mom briefly already so I have a sense of what they are like), my daughter started playing with her.

I reached out via email offering a playdate in the future - some of the other parents(soccer moms) have started initiating convos via the email group so I figured I'd reach out to this mom. They seem very nice and the girls are extremely kind from my own interactions with them when we met, in fact the girl offered to help my daughter with her backpack last week....

My daughter has been shy so that is all that has been exchanged so far, but once/if there is a playdate - do you say anything or wait it out???

My daughter's only friends before got services with her so they had some kind of delay, it wasn't the "mainstream" population of kids/parents - very cool group of people fortunately. But we have moved so now we are truly starting over, in every way. Its good that the schools are great, but I really am confused on this. So many parents have told me they would "never know" my daughter has autism, well she was really little so not enough exposure/interaction to know. Or they were lying who knows...... I have always been upfront but it was a different group of parents before. Her regular preschool I only met three moms and they were great but their kids all had services so it was easy to talk about. The cat was out of the bag because they were very involved in the classroom and my daughter had an aide and OT/PT working with her in the classroom.

Not sure what to do on this.... I am not ashamed of my daughter's autism - I just want to know how any of you have dealt with this - this is pretty new to us so not sure on how to handle it..... I don't want to look like I am hiding anything but also just putting it out there I am not sure who that is to benefit - feel somewhat like its a betrayal to my daughter's privacy.......

I am just lost on this topic, I have read all about it but want to hear what other parents do. And how it has gone.

Thanks!

I think it depends on the situation. If the playdate is at your house then there really isn't needto discuss it. If your dd is going to the other girl's house then an explanation may be in order.

I'm not a mom but maybe I can help.

First,
People will always say "I never would have thought you/your daughter/your son, etc, was autistic." It's because they: a. Don't really understand autism, b. are trying to be nice, c. are lying. Most likely, it's the first. Stereotypes are how people understand the disorder who have nothing invested in it.

Second,
I think it's great that you're trying to expose her to other kids who don't have ASD. But remember that it's ok if your kid has good friends that have it too. I have it, and my best friends either understand it a lot, or have it themselves. It's better to have friends that understand than ones that don't; she'll appreciate this as she gets older, and so will you.

Third,
Tell other people as a last resort. I don't know how many times I have told someone, and they immediately judged me for it. As a rule, be super careful. People aren't as kind as they seem to be. If you yourself don't have ASD, you can probably judge this clearer than those of us who do, so you have an advantage right there.

Last,
My Mom tried to get me to socialize (she didn't know I had ASD - I was diagnosed at 20) as a kid, and it was incredibly hard. Your daughter might avoid it, and that's part of the autism. It doesn't mean don't try, it just means you're up for a challenge. We often enjoy our own little worlds and people don't really penetrate our thoughts. It was that way for me as a kid, and I was a happy kid. Don't force it - that will risk damaging emotions - she needs to learn the soft way that she is different, and how to manage that difference. The hard way just causes a lot of pain.

Hope that helps.

This is a tough one. My son has always been in inclusion and I've always found it strange how secretive the school is about it with the parents of the "typical" children. I've spoken with parents of his classmates who had no clue they were in an inclusion class.

In the beginning I was much more forthright about his diagnosis, but as he got older I started telling only on "need to know" basis, or if they ask which almost never happens. I do this because I don't want to prejudice his playmates and because I want him to learn to advocate for himself when he's ready. He's 8 and I still struggle with this question.

I would never tell them. She must be doing well if she is in a mainstream, public school class and will learn to cope with and participate in society if she is treated normally and thinks of herself as "one of the kids." Even is she realizes she is different, it will help her self-esteem and teach her to function in society. It is not the other parents' business. You can guide them in more subtle ways however. Hint at your daughter's shyness, and comment positively on her quirks. If they think of her as being "disabled" in any way, they will not want the "liability" of having her over at their homes, etc.

It depends on the parent, mainly but I sometimes just say that he is 'socially awkward' but I have been blessed with a seemingly lovely group of mums and have told a few (it came up in conversation, I didn't just blurt it out).
Next year (at school), I will be far more discerning, I think

Thanks so much, I seriously hate how others can be unkind about this.

I am on the spectrum, I have my quirks for sure - didn't get diagnosed till my daughter was diagnosed....... I am treading lightly on what to do....

I already am a little worried because it looks like the mom's are trying to get the kids to meet before kinder(we are afternoon and my daughter has an autism support/social skills class in the morning so she is in school all day every day).... and of course thats never an option:( In her autism support class there are only 6 kids and one is a girl that is older(first grade) and she is only there a small percentage of the time.... so no connection there:( We were really disappointed that her autism summer camp we enrolled her in only had boys - they didn't do inclusion as they said they were - we moved mid summer so it was all we could do. Mydaughter wants to have friends that are girls has told me "I am sick of playing with boys mom"....

My daughter makes amazing eye contact, makes jokes, etc. etc. She has her quirkies but she wants to play and share and all that. She's already asking to have this little girl to come and play with her at our home:) Oh this all makes me want to cry, my daughter is such a sweetheart and I want her to be happy.. Thank goodness she has her equestrian school that she loves already and she lights up and loves to ride(at 5 she blows me away - a total natural!! !!) I love that she has a passion for something and isn't into the "mean girl" activities - there are farms everywhere here and horses - so glad we moved - she was into it before we moved and she is now in paradise I can see a horse/pet in the very near future:)

I am going to a support group thursday to connect with others, doing all I can to be part of the community and navigating everything. Just don't want to blow it for my daughter.

I am so grateful for your honest replies, I know eventually the situation will surface because we don't have my daughter at our base school due to the autism support program(so sucks that we weren't able to get a heads up on that before we committed to a place to live....catch 22) - I am sure the question will come up once the mom asks me where we live..... we don't have "open enrollment" here so its going to come out, I need to win the lottery to buy a house in that neighborhood.

I really have not found people to be unkind. More and more these days when I have occasion to mention DS's autism to someone, they respond with a comment like, "My cousin's child does too" or "our neighbor's kid does too". It is getting so common that while most people are still pretty ignorant about the subtleties of high functioning autism and Asperger's, they have heard about it.

Most parents and peers are kind and receptive when your child is young <9yo, but that often changes in the tween years and beyond. So I think disclosure or not really depends on who needs to know, how much it will help your child and if the label is likely to follow them as they grow older.

My husband didn't like the idea of disclosing our children's dxs widely, so what we mostly did was discuss needs rather than labels. As in "may have trouble with impulse control", or "very shy and may need some extra help mixing with the other children", "or has trouble with loud noises" etc. That way the other parents were prepared, but we maintained our child's privacy. Now that my boys are older, I am really glad we did this, because we are still in the same community and our sons' social skills have grown to the point where they can mix pretty successfully with the nerdier of the NT kids and are accepted as part of the gang. I notice that with some of the other kids whose parents did do full disclosure, there is a definite barrier between them and their peers. Sure the peer group may be kinder at times out of pity or a sense of duty towards the "special" kid than they are to my sons, who don't have a ready explanation for being strange, but when it comes down to really being friends there is that sense that something is "wrong" with the kid with a label and the peer group shies away from them more often than not.

This is definitely one of the trickier questions, and no one answer is going to fit everyone. For us, I am now glad that we disclosed specific needs as appropriate rather than disclosing diagnoses. I think it makes it easier on my sons as tweens/young teens.

[/quote]My husband didn't like the idea of disclosing our children's dxs widely, so what we mostly did was discuss needs rather than labels. As in "may have trouble with impulse control", or "very shy and may need some extra help mixing with the other children", "or has trouble with loud noises" etc. That way the other parents were prepared, but we maintained our child's privacy. Now that my boys are older, I am really glad we did this, because we are still in the same community and our sons' social skills have grown to the point where they can mix pretty successfully with the nerdier of the NT kids and are accepted as part of the gang. I notice that with some of the other kids whose parents did do full disclosure, there is a definite barrier between them and their peers. Sure the peer group may be kinder at times out of pity or a sense of duty towards the "special" kid than they are to my sons, who don't have a ready explanation for being strange, but when it comes down to really being friends there is that sense that something is "wrong" with the kid with a label and the peer group shies away from them more often than not.

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That is what I am thinking, and what I was wondering how it works down the road. Time will tell. Hoping to get my daughter involved with like minded peers and she can have that circle of her own. I pray for her to just have a friend she can spend time with..... that won't push her aside. I had many nights sobbing growing up feeling like I didn't fit in or was the victim of bullying with two loving but clueless parents..... and of course my activities I did well in were the "mean girl" things - I enjoyed the activities but couldn't stand most of the girls socially;) An interesting combo for sure - the non popular cheerleader:)

My one relative that I have seen since we moved back made a comment to me re: one of his children being socially awkward, stated she was a friend of the underdog - then he goes on to say how it "hurt" her socially because she was an outcast from everyone too all the "others"..meaning the cool kids ....... I looked at him and said "wow, your daughter is a sweetheart for befriending that child"..... seriously wanted to throw something at him though for his ignorance.... those are the kids our kids need and we all need more adults like that in this world instead of wanting to be "accepted" by what/who is popular.....

I've only mentioned this to a parent whose 2 kids have social difficulties (I figured she'd know what it meant, and it might reassure her that I would not freak out if her kids acted atypically). But my child with AS can handle, e. g. a 90 minute birthday party with 10-15 other kids, or a playdate at another child's house, without doing anything that would seriously inconvenience the parent hosting such an event. If you know your daughter can too, I'd say there is no need to disclose. If you fear your daughter cannot, ask to be part of the playdate. Simply say your daughter is shy and prefers to have you with her on a first playdate at another friend's house. My NT son invited several kindergarten and first grade friends over whose mothers attended the first visit. I would guess all or most of them were NT kids, so I would guess this will seem a normal request to the moms.

And once you see how your daughter does, you can consider what to do next. If it looks like she really needs you to help her succeed, try to have future play opportunities at home or the playground where you can be around too. But she might just do well if the girl is a good match.

My advice is not to tell other parents unless it comes up in conversation. I am basing this only on my experiences. The reactions from other parents have ranged from never inviting us over again to arguing that my son doesn't have an ASD. The reaction from parents of kids that also happen to have an ASD has been very positive, understanding and supportive.

I talk about my sons issues in the same way as i bring up his food allergies. I dont make an issue of it, but just calmly inform people he is a certain way.