self advocacy for kindergartener for IEP - really confused..

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My daughter's IEP is going to be revised in a few weeks after she has settled in.

The spec ed teacher stated she'd like to have a self advocacy goal put in the IEP.

My daughter is not playing with anyone(she has an "aide" in the class that oversees three autistic children in my daughter's kinder) at kindergarten.

The kinder teacher called me yesterday before class started asking for suggestions on what to do for when she asked my daughter if she wants to play with other kids she tells her "no"....... I then advised the teacher that no does not mean no necessarily and that she is shy/anxious/scared and to take it the next step and ask her if she needs help to try to play with a friend. I asked my daughter if the teacher asked her that yesterday afternoon, she said "yes", and she still responded "no".

My daughter isn't initiating play, that goal is on her IEP, that along with going along with non preferred activities, playing with more than one peer(she got overly attached to a child in her preschool that had selective mutism - the only child that truly she spent time with in the classroom)


I am getting frustrated because my daughter is in the autistic support program in the mornings, and they are "prepped" for kinder to use their skills...... how should staff be involving themselves to help my daughter re: the social aspect??? I know we don't want them dependent on the aide - my daughter can recite what she is "supposed" to do, say hi, etc. etc. etc....... its like math to her. She is at such a young age and I am aware that she can be OK not playing with kids, but then she asks me when her friend Xxxx in class is coming over. I told her that I emailed her mommie but she needs to try and play with her in class if she wants to make a friend.....

I want to know what else honestly can be done? I can tell the spec ed teacher is getting sick of discussing the issue(we have a communication journal) my daughter is peforming really well in the classroom so she isn't having any behavioral issues.

When my daughter comes home and tells me no one plays with her..... I just don't know what else to do if I can for her in dealing with her school.


I am really confused on all of this, for her autistic support class almost seems like its a waste for her - she's in a room with boys(4) and she is missing out on park playdates/etc. already with the girls in school because this class is every morning..... Wondering how much of a benefit this class is and if I should have put her in her base school with an aide and I paid private for social skills groups....

I don't know if I am doing the right thing for her. I am not pushing her to talk to friends etc. etc. but when she tells me that xxx girl waved to her and said hi and she tells me she didn't say hi back or wave back because "I'm too shy" I am thinking .... Where the HELL is the aide that is supposed to support my child to work towards her social goals?????? I just don't get it. I do role playing with my daughter and we talk about examples of what to do with "friends" I have tons of social skills books and she knows all the answers on what to do..... but when it comes to actually doing it I feel like ok aren't these educators supposed to help bridge the gap for my child so she connects???? Where is the practice of all these things that the autism support class is supposed to be teaching her???

We have a back to school night with the autistic support teacher and in another week with the kinder teacher. I just don't know what else to do but the whole "relax" "it takes time" etc. etc. I understand, its a new school year etc. etc. - but I am really concerned when it comes down to it no one is taking the extra step for my child..... its frustrating.



Oh and the mommie isn't responding to my follow up email to set up an actual day(she was quite enthusiastic in the first one)... probably cause of what happened yesterday

My older son is just shy of 12 and is just now becoming able to advocate for himself. He wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers until he was 8 - I have no idea what to recommend as self-advocacy for a child as young as your daughter. When he was younger I encouraged him to be more aware of his emotional state and let someone know if he needed a break. Now we mostly work on the specifics of why he struggles and letting him know that it's ok to admit that he can't write and that he needs help.

To me it does sound like the autistic support class is a waste of time, but pretty much exactly what we experienced in how "social skills" is taught in most schools. My son's "social skills" training consisted of the friendship group, which consisted of 4-5 boys with behavioral and emotional problems and a school counselor. At our first IEP meeting, the well meaning counselor said, "Julian does great in the friendship group. He knows all of the rules, but he can't seem to apply them.......". We added modeling social skills as an accommodation, across the board with all teachers and in all setting, but this request pretty much went ignored except by the SLP.

I have more I wanted to type, but I need to get to sleep. I'll type more tomorrow - we've had a rough couple of days. My younger son is about the same age as your daughter (turns 6 in a couple of months). He qualified as ASD on an evaluation performed by a University genetics study, qualified as ASD on his initial evaluation, but because of his classroom behavior (first in an ASD specific pre-K and now in Kindergarten) is now being disqualified for services. If it doesn't happen in the classroom, apparently it doesn't happen. :/

Do they have to ask her? I don't mean that to sound rude, or to deprive her of any rights, but she sounds like she wants to play and wants friends so I think they should just say something like "c'mon, it's time to find a friend to play with, who are you going to ask to play?" or similar. Then they need to walk her through it each step until they are playing.
Another idea, do they have a buddy program? (ie. older and responsible children who look after the younger ones). At my NT kids school they do this, so the little ones always have a big friend. If they don't do it, could they try to enlist some help? There are always bigger kids (girls especially) who have this nurturing type of personality... could they find some of them who may be willing to help her to negotiate with her little friends until she is confident?
Would love to hear some other suggestions, I just know I'm going to be in this place with my little one. He has no friends at preschool (but wants them), such a gorgeous kid but he doesn't yet know how to initiate play.

Do they REALLY ask her "Do you want to play with the other kids"? If that is the type of language they are using, of course she says no. There are SOOO many things wrong with that approach. I agree with miss-understood. They need to use a better tactic. The teacher or aide needs to arrange the situation so that "Sally" is ready to play with your DD then the teacher/aide should say, "We're going to go play with Sally". What should we do first? Next? And then what? Have her walk through the steps verbally and then help her approach the other child and observe her attempt the steps, providing prompts if needed. I would also agree with your thoughts about the support group, if its all boys, it may not be much good for her. Don't be afraid to make changes when you see that something isn't working! Trust your gut!

I hate when people say "pick a partner."

Assigned partners took all the stress out of it.

I got an update from the special ed teacher(thank god for back to school night).... they are doing facilitated recess with playground buddies for social skills. They just started the program this week..... I am still waiting for my daughter to tell me she made a friend today...... not yet happening but she talks about her "buddies" and what they do together..... she's not playing all alone by herself thank goodness and her speech therapist is trying to arrange the speech group with some kids in the kinder class...... I hope that helps as well.

The school does video modeling of the kids and their social skills, they video tape and do feedback with the kids and whatnot. So I am hoping that this all kicks in a bit for her since her just doing half day/mainstream doesn't offer anything like this. There are respite room/areas for the kids too. This is more than where we came from.... we have another IEP to revise goals in a month so I will get to full on see what is going to happen with that as well. Crossing my fingers that all of this that they are doing helps....