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I will be meeting with the 'Individual Needs Coordinator' from my son's primary school which he is starting next year (January).
I am really anxious! Based on what people have told me and what I have read, this is where the real battle begins for my son's educational wellbeing.
I am expecting them to say all the right things, but down the track, they won't deliver on their promises.
Unfortunately, I am not a 'fighter', for whatever reason, I tend to think that the 'professionals' know best and go with what they say.

I guess what I am asking is, how do I get the balls to fight?

It's your child's future hanging in the balance. Do it for him!

^ exactly!
You are your son's advocate, until there comes the time he can do it for himself. There will come times where there will be disagreements, don't forget you know your son best so it's your job to let them know if you think there is a problem with something. You get the balls by remembering every time that it's about him, getting him what he needs and then trying to do that in the most co-operative and harmonious way. Once you get into the routine of those kinds of meetings, it really comes naturally to want to fight (hopefully in a nice way ) for your kids. GO FOR IT!

I have not mastered this myself, but a lot of it comes from having confidence that you know your child best, and they may be "experts" in the sense of doing this more than you, but you are the expert on your child's strengths and weaknesses, and you know what is needed for your child to progress.

If you have to,m practice what you are going to say, and debate yourself. Try to mentally address anything you think might come up that you will have to counter. If you have practice that will help give you confidence.

Are you able to bring an educational advocate with you to the meeting? That might help you.

I'm not the kind of person who usually speaks up, but I've very slowly become that person. At our first IEP meeting, I went in thinking, "These people are professionals, they'll know what to do and what to suggest, to help my son succeed." That initial team only came up with 2 accommodations (I think) and the classroom struggles continued. I met with an advocate who looked over our IEP (which was incomplete, to the point of illegality) and she coached me how to approach areas that weren't previously addressed by the "professionals" and gave me advice on how to word things, to put everything in writing, that I had to speak up, because it was very unlikely that anyone else would. I joked with her about being a high school drop out (which I am), having to explain stimming to an OT.

I actually went to the teachers themselves, "What can I add as an accommodation to make this work for you." Most were willing to at least give input in areas where Julian was struggling in class - they are supposed to have equal team membership at these meetings but are usually hesitant to ask for much, even if they do know what to ask for. We did have one amazing inclusion teacher come to me, "I'm not supposed to ask for this or even suggest it to you, but this is what I would request....." Here in the states, if I ask for something they can not just deny or not provide it without showing that it's not needed, but the individual teachers/administrators don't always know what to suggest or what is even available.

I don't know if you have anything like this in OZ, but here we have an almost nationwide group called CARD - Center for Autism and Related Disabilities. We have our own clinician, who has a masters degree in special education. Our group here in Florida provides parent/caregiver/teacher support, all for free. This has been one of my primary supports, when dealing with the school system. They can even provide teacher training, if necessary. I've found that very beneficial and empowering, when it comes to these meetings. I feel like someone has my back, so to speak, even though they aren't in the meeting with me.

If you have a hard time speaking up at meetings (I do), write things down and just read it. I usually do this at the beginning, whether they want me to or not - it's easy for them to say, "Well, we're just about out of time, we have another meeting to attend....." or at meetings with teachers, for the teacher to have to leave early and get back to class.

It helps if you have backup. If you have the results of any testing done, bring it along so they can't dismiss what you're saying. And you can bring any advocate - including a grandparent or babysitter, just to support you and back you up.

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, so dealing with the school is beyond difficult for me. I get worked up whenever I even think about having to deal with one of them.

Here's the deal - it doesn't matter what the "experts" think, every single child on the spectrum is different. If they're so clueless to think that they can come in and say "we're going to do X Y & Z" without finding out about your child first, then they're idiots. Keep that in mind. A lot of time you have to - respectfully - talk to them like you would a 3 year old. They need to have things explained over and over again, and you need to talk about the consequences of them not following through and give them tips about how to make things run smoother.

It's easier now for me to "throw my weight around" because I have a reputation for being a "strong advocate." Each year they warn the next teacher to watch out for me because I will be a thorn in their side.

It helps me to be consistant. I follow the law - if they have 10 days to get back to me, I call on day 11, period. If they say something's going to happen with my son and it doesn't, I call them first thing in the morning, like 7:30. If it doesn't get taken care of, I go right up the chain of command. I had to call the superintendent this year. But guess what - it worked.

This is the key: if you are a pain in the butt, eventually the school will give in and do what's right for your child. And then they'll see how well it worked. And then they'll listen to you faster the next time.

I was absolutely terrified at the first meeting I had with the school. But the people there seemed genuinely to want to make things easier for my son and help him to learn. Once you get through that front door, it will be easier. Once you've faced that fear, you'll realize that you can do it.

Just remember why you're doing it, and that you're right to do it. You've sort of got to walk through fire to take on that first meeting. But soon it will be behind you, and you'll have lots to be optimistic about the future.

Good luck.

I don't understand how the title relates to the situation.

I wouldn't start by assuming they'll say the right things but not follow through. If you are lucky to have someone who is really going to work with you, showing that you are easy to work with will actually get you more services long run. Save being mamma bear for when it is needed.

- Know what services you want and why.
- If they are not proposed, ask.
- If you disagree with the reasons, repeat why the services are important.
My line was a simple, "is there anyone here arguing that this would NOT be the best way to educate and support my unique child?" If it was a pure bureaucracy issue, I wanted that to be like pin dropping in the room. Once you get that far, sometimes you'll cave because you decide it isn't worth it, sometimes you won't. We had to battle that once on something that was not going to cost the school one cent, and so my second line was, "does everyone agree that this request would not cost the school or district anything, and is workable within the current school schedule?" Repeating the two sentences a few times, the bureaucrat caved. It was silly, and I had calmly made it obvious. Another time, I caved because I knew that the staffing didn't exist and couldn't exist, and I saw no point in creating walls between myself and the team over something truly out of their control.

I've been told that we got an extraordinary amount of services compared to the average in our district. I rarely felt like I was going into battle, but I did get determined when I knew deep inside what was needed. Determination is an effective attitude, especially when it is backed up by research and, well, simply being right.

It really is important, I think, to not see your child's team as your adversary. At least to start with. If they sense that, you'll get less. They need to feel you are someone they can work with. Not someone they can walk over, but someone they can work with.

If I couldn't have gotten that from my son's team, I'm pretty sure I would have switched school districts. I don't know how to get along with people I simply can't get along with; it is better for me to find those who I can.

But, really, the main thing that makes a difference for me in meetings, that affects how strong I come across, how is much I believe in my position. When I believe in it, I'm unstoppable. So that is what you need most: really be confident in your positions.

You will find the courage because you have to.

I strongly second the idea that you take another person with you to the IEP - someone that will be a powerful advocate for your child. This could be a paid advocate or it could be a close relative or friend. Also, have your son assessed by an independent third party (a private licensed clinical psychologist) and pay for it yourself. Do NOT go with a psychologist picked by the district and paid for by them. Even if this person's assessment is supposedly by a "neutral and objective third party"', if s/he wants return referrals, s/he will not write a true, unbiased report about your child (especially if it goes against what the district wants / claims).

So, it is always better to have the assessment done by someone who is truly neutral and who will be paid by YOU. Also, this way, you will have a true picture of your son's situation and his real strengths & needs. Another thing - if you ever need to go to Due Process, then make sure that the professional who assesses your son is willing and able to testify on his behalf, if required. Far too often, people pay to get their child evaluated only to have the professional refuse to testify because it is "not something that they do". Have this discussion at the very outset before setting up your child's assessment so that you know what you are getting in return for your money.

BTW, although I would expect to go to due process if the district and I could simply not resolve our differences, I would, however, not "lawyer up" at the first instance. You want to give the team the distinct impression that you are willing and able to work with them. Most times, you can reach middle ground. Sometimes, unfortunately, despite trying your best, you won't. Therefore, you should consider hiring an attorney as a very last resort, only after it becomes abundantly clear that the district does not have your son's best interests in mind and is purposefully failing to provide him with necessary services due to budget cuts or whatever. BTW, their budget cuts are not your problem. Your problem / concern is only your own child's well-being.

Stay strong. It does not matter what personality you were born with or have harbored all your life. The only personality that you should have now is an aggressive, outspoken, passionate one that will fight to the death for the your child. You have no choice in the matter, really. I was probably the quietest little mouse as a kid and as a young adult. That was before it became apparent that my child will need a TRex, not a rat, for a mother, if he was to get everything that he needed to not just survive but to overcome his delays and thrive. I am now on the verge of homeschooling, but the district is on notice that they have not heard the last of me -- yet.