Before you knew you had AS...

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Why am I my worst own enemy, when can I fall in love only with the person's personality, when will that ever be good enough. Why is being myself never good enough.

Before I was diagnosed I just found myself odd, as you said, and wondered if other people shared some of my behavioural traits, like hand flapping (stimming) and being reclusive.

I didn't accept my diagnosis, and felt embarrassed by it -- as I was in my adolescence. It hasn't changed anything for me, I'm still the same as I was back then. Reclusive, anxious, socially awkward, and still indulging in the same repetitive and ritualistic behaviour.

I've had bouts of improvement here and there, but they were short-lived, and I always reverted back to how I was. As of recently, I've lost my will to be a part of society. I don't really want to. I don't think I've ever wanted to, really.

I agree with many of the responses that I found here.

I am not yet formally diagnosed with AS, but I'm pretty convinced of it.

Before I heard, for the first time in my life, about the existence of AS only a few weeks ago, I had been feeling that people didn't like me because I was ugly or they could sense some evil personality in me that I wasn't even aware of, though I always meant well. I could always sense other people were somehow uncomfortable around me. Some even showed outright rudeness or even hostility to me and some were laughing about my being treated in that way by some people. And I kept wondering what I did wrong. I am an adult and can get over those things, but they still hurt. In this way I never fitted in anywhere and I always felt like an alien. And the list goes on... I had (and have) very low self-esteem.

But now, knowing a possible explanation for all of those miseries in the past, I feel so relieved. After all I was not a bad or lazy person. I am simply different. Now I don't feel I am to blame for all those unhappy memories. I can stop agonizing about them all. I feel I can start living more positively though I know it's not that simple and I will have to make some effort. I can start leading a better-informed life.

I'm not formally diagnosed with AS but I'm 99% sure. It's a continuing journey, but everything is fitting into place.
Before I was losing so much energy trying to conform, now I am feeling a lot lighter realising that I shouldn't be trying to hide my differences but to accept them.
This forum is so helpful, knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle.