Trying to cope with what I am. Very down.

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Really upset of late, always on the brink of tears.
I'm angry I've spent 2/3rds of my life learning how to function in this bastard of a world only to find I don't really fit in anyway. Now I have to relearn everything. F$%*! !!
I lost it at the dinner table last night in front of my daughter last night. Had to excuse myself and go and sob in the garage like some 4 yr old kid.
This square root equation was going round and round in my head after trying to do an online test.
Then come back in all red eyed and embarressed. I'm supposed to be the rock but I feel like a big blob of jelly.
My first day back at work today, I couldn't go as I didn't sleep last night. I lay there with a blinding headache and couldn't not hear every noise the house made. It was like someone cranked up the volume of the house and local trains.
I took my bike out yesterday and considered briefly riding into the oncoming trucks.
I slept today on and off all day. Yet now I'm just exhausted like I've run some super marathon. My image in the mirror is some old man with bags under his eyes and tired lines creasing his face.
Just had three weeks off work but don't want to go back to the stress and anxiety. But I have to to keep up house payments and pay the bills.
I feel sorry for my partner, she deserves better. She ended up with some semi functioning person who can't carry his own weight.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
Tired, just tired.

I feel down sometimes too. At least you have a partner there to help you cope. You should talk to her about how you feel. Sometimes the problems are bigger in our head than we make them out to be.

What test were you taking? I am very curious.

I think I understand some of what you are going through.

There are times in life where the future looks entirely blank and and you can't see any resolution to the problems you currently face. You can talk to others and they can try to be encouraging and yet nothing seems to fill the emptiness and hopelessness of the days, months and years ahead of you. The worst times I have had in life are when I have not been able to see any hope for my future.

I'm a little younger than you, but I feel I am headed into some of the same dilemmas. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? If I had lived differently in my 20s and 30s would I be better off now? Why wasn't I brave enough to make choices that would have helped me have a better life now? I should have had the courage to pursue dreams that I have since let die.

The only thing I know to do at this point is, even if my dreams aren't as big, I still need to keep doing small things that make the day worth while. I will never be the world renown film maker or photographer I had planned when I was younger, but I can still make little films or take interesting photographs. I won't change the world in any great way. I will likely be forgotten within a few years of my death. But that's the fate of 99.999% of everyone who has ever lived ( give or take a few orders of magnitude)

It can help to embrace the small triumphs in life. Try to set down the burden of trying to solve all your problems at once and instead try to fix one little thing at a time. Pull the weeds from the garden and be satisfied with that one small task for the day. Comfort a friend and recognize that that small act has significance in the course of life. For the moment, don't worry about next month. Just focus on getting through today. And once you've gotten through today, see what you can do about getting through tomorrow.

Maybe some people learn how to navigate through life and then spend the rest of their years on auto-pilot. Clearly that isn't a route that is open to you. But everything you've learned thus far is not a waste... It's just that you still have more to learn.

I have gone through many episodes of reassessment of my life. They can be particularly unpleasant. It's like looking down the barrel of a gun and not knowing what to do to save yourself. It might be helpful to recognize that these stressful times are simply the impetus to push you to make your life better. Things will improve. It won't be easy for a while, but recognize that, with work, you can find your way back to a path in life that gives you satisfaction. You are not a lesser person for struggling with these problems.

And most of all, this is only a temporary condition. Things will get better. It may not feel like it right now, but bad times will pass too.

I hope some of this helps.

I could've written your post myself. Some perspective for ya, there is no going back now is there? Now that the illusion is shattered... I feel the same way you do about being less than a person, for myself, my husband, my parents, all they get is sort of a person. Right now I'm not working and I'm focused on being a homemaker and this is actually easy without the stress of a job. (and fun, my hubby gets pulled pork for dinner tonight, takes 10 hours to make).

There is a bright side to all of this, you can change what you're doing so you can be happy. I feel sometimes like giving up completely, that I'll never get past this point in my life... but I have survived many things, and this too shall pass.

It's especially difficult later on in life when you're "supposed" to have achieved all of this material success and be the rock as you said. Well consider this: you've been the rock, now it's your turn to get support. Your wife and children love you for who you are, Asperger's or not. Learning to cope with this disorder and still be a whole person is my goal, as it should be yours, and I wish you the best in that, thank you for sharing with us.

You don't need to be 'a rock' all the time. You're allowed to get burnt out, frustrated, sad, or upset. Do you tend to get this way often? I'm sure your partner still wants to be with you, and wants to understand what you're going through. Is your job typically stressful, and has it led to/contributed to this?

Bad idea dont bore them with your rantings....atleast my spouse gets irritated with the same sob stories
so i stopped telling him
i bug people on WP

Okay you're right I guess. Never been in a relationship so I would not know. Still I am curious what that test would was.

I would say it depends on your spouse. If memory serves, you are from India and had an arranged marriage. Unfortunately, that isn't always a good idea since the two people may not have otherwise chosen each other due to compatibility issues that their parents may not have foreseen. That may not be the OP's situation though and so it may help to go through these things with their spouse as a way of dealing with it in the open and trying to move forward with their lives. It's not an excuse to stay the same though. It's a chance to try and incorporate the perspective of another person in developing as an individual. They may see things differently and be able to logically explain certain patterns of behavior that an aspie may not see from their perspective. The same applies to you as well. I do not know you or your husband, but what you might want to do is try learning to listen to what he has to say when he gives you a different perspective. If it comes off to him that all you do is complain then he is probably worn out from it. Try taking it from a different direction then and try to be more positive. The change in perspective may well improve your own quality of life and how others perceive you so as to make you more socially acceptable. I am not saying this is easy. I complain about my own loneliness all the time and yes... people around me get tired of it, so I am speaking from experience here.

I totally understand, BrokenBill. I'm about your age, and I've been working since I was 20 years old to get along with the neurotypical world - learning how to talk with them, how to work with them, etc etc. Then the last year or so I've just begun to break down. Depressed all the time. Wanting to die a few times. Being irritable. Making stupid social mistakes because sometimes I just don't have the energy to fake for them all the time. And finally getting to the point where I'm just tired of it.

I've read and been told now several times that lots of times Aspies get to about 50 years old or so and they do just begin to break down. Too tired and anxious for too many years. Wears out your adrenal and other body systems.

But I've also hit where, like you, I'm like "After all that effort for the last 30 years, what have I accomplished???" I can now have people at work, for example, who like me - but they like me from a distance. I rarely get invited to the parties or the lunches and so on. When I do, apparently I don't "do" them right because I never get invited again. So even though I started trying to learn all this stuff because I was lonely, I'm STILL lonely. And in some ways I feel worse off because 30 years ago I had no idea what a social dork I was and how much I wasn't getting. So I didn't feel as bad because I didn't recognize other people having social friends and such, either. But now I'm "advanced" enough to recognize that others have what I still haven't managed to have: a real social life, and all the goodies that come with that.

I have no answer or suggestion for you. I haven't figured out any for myself yet. My boss told me to BE PROUD of who I am, but I find it impossible to feel proud of what's made me isolated and alienated from most of the world around me my whole life, and apparently will always do so.

This is the part that just super-sucks

he was the only one ready to marry me....if i had to search someone for myself i would have ended up being single all my life...
atleast someone was ready to marry me...
i dont care if he doesnt listen, doesnt converse nor seems least interested in knowing about me....because i never found anybody else also who was bothered to do these things not even my parents

I am sorry if I came off as rude. I didn't mean to do so but realize now that perhaps I was a bit too blunt. Sometimes, in trying to balance the equation, I forget about the feelings of the person on the other side when I type out advice. Instead I just write out whatever analysis comes to my head. If I offended you please accept my apology as that was not my intent.

would i have been sucessful in arranged marriage
cant say because in last 9 years there have been tremendous upheaval many relationships breaking up, many mood swings and if it was love marriage the person wouldnt have tolerated it since they just couldnt see my darker side.
i am not angry with you......its more of confusion.

Just an IQ test.

Online IQ test? Dude don't even sweat those. You will always be smarter then those tests can even determine.