A husband who doesn't understand

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So what are you going to do?

I don't think it's wise for you to just determine to do everything perfectly the first time--you are human and you'll only disappoint yourself. Even experienced home-makers aren't perfect at their jobs.

Here's what I recommend. Write down a list of simple tasks. Start with things that are very straightforward. Have a plan for what you will do if you get stuck--you will, eventually, get stuck, so have a plan for what you'll do when that happens; perhaps another simple task you can move to, or a plan for how to get un-stuck, such as writing down the next steps and checking them off a list.

If you set your expectations too high--if you expect perfection right away--you may be disappointed. Please be kind to yourself: When you make headway, take those things as accomplishments in their own right: "I cleaned the dining room table and piled the dishes on the counter next to the sink," not, "I can't finish doing the dishes." Take things slow and don't beat yourself up for what you haven't done. Your husband probably won't notice until you start to make significant progress; but that's okay. Take your time; you've probably been stuck in front of that TV for a while, and you can't hate yourself for not being able to undo that in a day.

Here's something you might try, if you have the cash: Hire a house-cleaning service, just once, to get the house properly clean. Then, make a list of all the things you need to do to keep it clean, and how often you will need to do them. Then use a planner or post a list: For example, you will always pay the bills on the first day of the month; you will always do the laundry on Wednesdays; you will always vacuum the floors on Saturdays. Have a plan for what you will do if you miss a chore: Postpone to the next day? Skip and re-do it the next time you need to do it?

For now, since you'll need to discuss the house-cleaning service idea with your husband, use this time to practice some of the things you will need to know how to do, take note of any gaps in your skills and brainstorm how you'll fill the gaps. It's very important that you accomplish something today--something small, so you don't fail and disappoint yourself. It'll be a great morale booster if you can say, "I did this today." While it may be only a small part of what you need to do, and while your husband may not even notice, it will be a sign to yourself that you can learn to do this job.

In fact, get up and do it right now. No, really. You don't want to get stuck in front of the computer; you'll only stay there all day. I have transition issues myself; I know how it is. Right now I'm stuck and not getting my coffee from the coffee maker, as I should... come to think of it, I'm going to get up and do that right now, myself, before I forget or it gets too irrelevant.

Last edited by Callista on 27 Sep 2012, 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

My husband gets frustrated with me too, but he tries to understand and doesn't give me a hard time. Have you tried breaking the housecleaning up? I clean a room for a bit, and then have a little downtime before beginning again. It's not the most efficient process, but it's much less overwhelming to focus on a bit at a time. Use the television as a reward.

Oh, by the way:

How to Clean a Room

I did a blog post on how to clean a room a while ago and some people have found it helpful. One caution: This method does involve a big pile of junk in the center of the room, so if you don't finish the job, it will look messier than when you started. Try a small room with not much mess in it, if you're going to test this method.

They do tend to want to engulf and devour, like giant amoebas. If anything ever happens to mine, that's it for me. I want to live my own life for a little while, not be a "supporting character" in someone else's.

But as to your problem, OP, does he make some kind of effort not to mess the house up? Can he put away his own laundry and pick up after himself? Just little things like that would probably really help you. My DH is a grown man. He's capable of putting away his own clothes and picking up after himself. He just doesn't often do it.

Have you tried putting some suggestions in writing? Maybe think about a division of labor that would have him take responsibility for some little things like putting his own clothes away and tidying up if he's made a mess in the kitchen or left clutter out on the counters.

I have trouble cleaning around other people's clutter. I'm afraid to throw away little bits of paper that look like trash to me, because I've gotten chewed out for throwing away an important phone number that was scribbled on the back of a receipt. If it's so important, write it in a more important-looking place, for crying out loud!

Not every man is like that and we don't know what her husband is like. She only expressed that he was frustrated about something that seems to me to be justified. Now if he indeed doesn't clean up after himself then that's a different story.

You hit the nail on the head there with your last statement, being told what to do.

Maybe it's the way you're being told what to do. A curse word can be funny and meaningless, expressed in another manner, anger for example, then it holds a different value altogether.

No body should be telling anyone what to do I agree but that isn't the start of the problem.

I totally agree with this. I know that I respond better to something said to me in a friendly, caring manner than something said to me in a demanding or accusatory fashion.

I like cleaning,with a little music on it actually turns out fun unless you are rushed. I clean about 3 times a day and I can't settle down unless it is clean.

I really like Callista's advice, it made me want to get up and go clean my room or something, but I'm at work... Maybe I should focus on work then ? lol

I like cleaning to music, too - and as a matter of fact, this thread inspired me to finally get my room more organized (bed straightened out, stuff off the floor, recyclables taken out). So thank you, OP!

I guess I'm just lazy, but the only thing that motivates me to do cleaning is to keep it from getting too bad!

When I clean like that usually by the end of the day I'm tired and throw everything on the floor. I make the pile on my bed.

I highly recommend this method and use it myself. It really works. It's best to do it when you have the house to yourself for at least a few hours. That pile of stuff in the middle of the room tends to alarm family members who fear that it will stay in the middle of the room. Or, as my husband said, "Ohmigod it looks worse than when you started!". But it is an especially good method for people who have trouble transitioning because it does require you to not transition until you are done.

Last edited by Janissy on 27 Sep 2012, 1:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That only motivates me to hire a housekeeper.