are there any women out there who appreciate direct guys

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Wanderingronin42
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06 Oct 2012, 3:25 pm

Some NT girls find it cute though, the directness.



firefaerie
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06 Oct 2012, 5:21 pm

I have a "creepy" example and this guy is not aspie. Also this is a bit long because I am crap at keeping things SIMPLE so only read if you want to know what "creepy" is for a girl (an example anyway).

My Aspie boyfriend we'll call him Jack for this purporse threw a stress fit and basically cut me out of his life for 4 weeks. Silence, nothing and as he opened the door to his cave again we slowly started seeing each other again but as friends, he said he had a girlfriend and that was that. So I, in the mean time went on dates every now and again with guys.

This one guy I had met at a bar watching a live band, he was friends with the lead singer. We danced a bit and had lots of fun and he asked me for my number which I gave oh and he is 6'4 - I'm 6ft so this was great! I was going on holiday that Monday (we met Wednesday) so he wanted our date to be before I left on holiday rather than after. He texted me over the few days before meeting which was ALOT of texts and they only stopped when I didn't reply and then he'd start up a couple of hours later.

The date was going brilliantly, dinner was great moved on to the bar, watched the band, danced a bit until my Jack started calling. I looked at my phone and there were 7 miscalls.... like what???? I looked up at the date and said I have to take this. I came back and the date had like completely changed. I said, "Sorry it was a friend she..." and his face just became clouded over like thunder and said: "she? Jack?" (he had read the name that came up on my phone.

In that instant I said, um yeh, and he wanted to know who Jack was and why he was contacting me so late at night (it was 10:30pm) I felt like I was being bombarded loads of questions and made to feel like I had done something terribly wrong when in actual fact all I'd done is take my phone out when Jack was ringing and there were 7 miscalls from him.

Me and Jack say Saturday night is the loneliest night for single ppl unless friends are single too so we chose Saturdays to be our meet up night (yes he said he had a gf but go figure) to meet at 10pm to dance/drink etc. I had completely forgotten about Jack in that instant and our arrangement to meet in the bar - I'd forgotten to cancel with him because I'd said I had a date on Saturday I thought he'd realise I couldn't make our usual Saturday night out.

But looking at the 7miscalls for all I knew Jack could have been in hospital, something could have happened to him, I had no idea! I told the date that Jack was a friend and we often met up at 10pm in the town (I live in London, we go out around 10pm here) to have last orders and drinks at a bar that closes at 1am. I explain we are both night owls. The date looks at me in disgust. I feel like I have to apologise so I do and then I realise I'm going into child mode where I'm apologising and trying to make it up to him --- seriously, I'd only met this guy - it was only a first date, it's none of his business who Jack is and why he is calling... this is when it gets creepy.

I say I'm going to go home I'm tired and then he starts to ask am I really going home? Aren't I going to meet Jack? And I say, maybe, but probably not I'm quite tired. We're on the bus and he starts holding my hand and telling me that I'm complicated and he doesnt need complications in his life because his last girlfriend was complicated etc etc .... I back away, when we arrive at the bus station he grabs me, my whole body and starts kissing me and swings me round - as a tall girl we never get swung around because a) we're tall and heavy b) most people are shorter than us. So I'm not used to this and feel very scared... he asks if he can come home with me that he wants to get to know me and everything about me and goes on and on and on and I try to get out of his grip and I say, right I'm going home and he says, are you? Should I follow you to make sure you are going home and not meeting Jack - and then I'm made to do something I would never do on a first date and that's me kiss him and hold him and reassure him that no I'm not going to meet Jack....

He eventually leaves but only after he's made me promise him I meet him for lunch the next day. I walk up to my bus stop and the realisation of what happened freaks me out. I burst into tears and Jack has called 5 more times and is waiting in the bar we normally meet in every Saturday to go dancing. When he hears how upset I am he tells me to come to the bar. I go to the bar and he is waiting, and sweetly has my favourite drink and then wants to know what is wrong. It is actually because of that night that Jack told me the truth that he didn't have a girlfriend - it was all made up - and he couldn't explain why he did it... he ended up sleeping over and the rest is history

But it's horrible to have experienced such a "creepy" thing like that. It sounds so extreme but this guy continued to text and message me every single day I was on holiday until in the end I had to tell him he was seriously creeping me out.



bruinsy33
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06 Oct 2012, 7:34 pm

I hate to generalize but it seems that the majority of Aspie men are direct and honest in all areas EXCEPT dating and romance.I think had I been direct and honest with several women whom I have been interested in ,the experience could have gone another way.



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06 Oct 2012, 9:02 pm

BlueMax wrote:
alien91 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
the phrase creepy is still thrown around too much
yes! its annoying, women use it without a second thought even when its not called for and then wonder why we get offended.

...but if they feel creeped out by someone's uncomfortable behaviour/vibe, they consider it to be "creepy". That's something you want to avoid at all costs, so knowing how to avoid it is a critical life lesson (and not just for dating!)


but i wish women would just relax a bit more



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06 Oct 2012, 9:13 pm

alien91 wrote:
hey everyone, i'm new to this site. my question is are there any women out there who appreciate the directness of a guy with aspergers? my experience has been that they dont, because whenever i'm open and candid about my feelings for them they always seem to run away,even if things were going great beforehand. i notice alot of people my age (early 20s or late teens) enjoy mind games and mystery and subtle flirtation, why is it wrong to be open and just say exactly whats on your mind? when i pursue a girl i always have a serious relationship in mind and i make my intentions known. but it always seems to scare them away. my mom even told me that i should never let a girl know how i feel about her right away, she says i should wait atleast a month or two, but that would torture to me! i need to know where things stand in order to feel secure, i dont want to be spending alot of time with a girl and not know how she feels about me, only to be crushed when it turns out she doesnt feel the same way. can anybody else with aspergers relate to this?


You should not tell a girl of your feelings before you have a chance to get to know her...in fact you should probably not have any feelings beyond physical attraction before you get to know her...because how can you like someone you don't know? So I agree with your mother that you should give it a month or so. This also allows the girl to get to know you.

When I was younger I didn't understand why revealing feelings of attraction for another individual often ended the relationship if they did not reciprocate them. Personally I saw no issue with remaining friends with the other person if they wished. Though after much thought and observation, I believe I've figured out why this occurs.

There are a few reasons.

1. In most instances, the individual with the romantic feelings is not actually capable of being just friends. They continue to harbor feelings of attraction for the other individual and often just lie in wait hoping the other individual will eventually reciprocate.

2. In most instances, the individual with romantic feelings becomes upset when the individual they are attracted to pursues or engages in romantic relationships with others. I

3. In some instances, the individual with romantic feelings may consciously or subconsciously try to manipulate the other person into a relationship, by setting up or trying to engage the other person in situations or dynamics typically only found in romantic relationships. These are non-physical situations of course.

These things represent dishonesty. The individual with romantic feelings has agreed to be a friend but they harbor ulterior motives and feelings unbecoming of friendship.

The individual who was the object of attraction usually breaks off the relationship due to a feeling of stress or awkwardness upon learning of the other person's feelings for them. This avoids the situation above, and also is usually the appropriate thing to do to avoid unintentionally sending mixed signals to the person who is attracted to them.

However if the individual who harbors the feelings of attraction happens to be one of the few individuals in the world who can turn their attraction for another individual off, or who is simply opportunistically attracted to the individual (they will take the chance for a romantic relationship if given one, but are not enamored enough with the person that a romantic relationship with them is a priority) then a friendship might work out.



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06 Oct 2012, 9:13 pm

bruinsy33 wrote:
I hate to generalize but it seems that the majority of Aspie men are direct and honest in all areas EXCEPT dating and romance.I think had I been direct and honest with several women whom I have been interested in ,the experience could have gone another way.


That's a very interesting observation.



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07 Oct 2012, 5:04 pm

I do- I prefer to date Aspie-ish men for this very reason.
I think in many ways, NT M/AS F relationships have an advantage, even over NT/NT relationships, because I think the thinking and communicative styles of Aspergians are more highly-contrasted with (stereo)typically feminine ways of thinking.
Ex: the age-old joke about the "Does this dress make me look fat?" "trap" or question that NT women (supposedly) don't want answered honestly.
When I ask questions, I want to know the answer. There's always a period in my relationships where a man has to/gets to "unlearn" all the adaptations he's had to assume to bridge the normal male/female gap, and after that, I find things are much more harmonious than typical relationships, at least from what I know of them...


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07 Oct 2012, 7:43 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
I do- I prefer to date Aspie-ish men for this very reason.
I think in many ways, NT M/AS F relationships have an advantage, even over NT/NT relationships, because I think the thinking and communicative styles of Aspergians are more highly-contrasted with (stereo)typically feminine ways of thinking.
Ex: the age-old joke about the "Does this dress make me look fat?" "trap" or question that NT women (supposedly) don't want answered honestly.
When I ask questions, I want to know the answer. There's always a period in my relationships where a man has to/gets to "unlearn" all the adaptations he's had to assume to bridge the normal male/female gap, and after that, I find things are much more harmonious than typical relationships, at least from what I know of them...


if only where to meet women like you



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07 Oct 2012, 8:24 pm

Firefaerie; you really can't understand why someone would be upset at you for ending your date to go meet up with an ex? Especially after he caught you lying to him about who it was that was calling you.


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07 Oct 2012, 8:29 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
I do- I prefer to date Aspie-ish men for this very reason.
I think in many ways, NT M/AS F relationships have an advantage, even over NT/NT relationships, because I think the thinking and communicative styles of Aspergians are more highly-contrasted with (stereo)typically feminine ways of thinking.
Ex: the age-old joke about the "Does this dress make me look fat?" "trap" or question that NT women (supposedly) don't want answered honestly.
When I ask questions, I want to know the answer. There's always a period in my relationships where a man has to/gets to "unlearn" all the adaptations he's had to assume to bridge the normal male/female gap, and after that, I find things are much more harmonious than typical relationships, at least from what I know of them...


Interesting. The NT guys I have dated tend to refuse to drop the crap and unlearn it - they prefer to keep it, I suppose it is embedded in their minds of what a "female" is and also gives them an ready made and incorrect excuse when they screw up.


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07 Oct 2012, 9:09 pm

BlueMax wrote:
20 years ago, I remember a female roommate who was able to vocalize what was different about me. She found it refreshing to be around someone who was simply direct and honest....... for a while. After some months, she was getting very annoyed that I said my mind instead of "playing the game" that apparently everyone else in the world plays.


It's called " fun " I call it ?


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07 Oct 2012, 9:12 pm

bruinsy33 wrote:
I hate to generalize but it seems that the majority of Aspie men are direct and honest in all areas EXCEPT dating and romance.I think had I been direct and honest with several women whom I have been interested in ,the experience could have gone another way.


error error does not compute I suspect they just want vagina are their other reasons why aspie men go in to a relationship ?


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07 Oct 2012, 9:28 pm

I think the main reason people play games is that they want an ego boost from getting as many people as possible to like them, while not committing to anything themselves so that they don't get hurt if things don't work right. I think they think that someone who doesn't play the game is stupid/desperate and therefore unattractive.

I am not very optimistic about any of our chances because aspie girls are probably about the only type (apart from 30+ women who have figured out that playing the game is stupid) of woman who would appreciate aspie-male flirting styles, and there are 2-3 times as many aspie guys as girls. The law of supply and demand is against us.



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07 Oct 2012, 9:43 pm

Chronos wrote:
You should not tell a girl of your feelings before you have a chance to get to know her...in fact you should probably not have any feelings beyond physical attraction before you get to know her...because how can you like someone you don't know? So I agree with your mother that you should give it a month or so. This also allows the girl to get to know you.

When I was younger I didn't understand why revealing feelings of attraction for another individual often ended the relationship if they did not reciprocate them. Personally I saw no issue with remaining friends with the other person if they wished. Though after much thought and observation, I believe I've figured out why this occurs.

There are a few reasons.

1. In most instances, the individual with the romantic feelings is not actually capable of being just friends. They continue to harbor feelings of attraction for the other individual and often just lie in wait hoping the other individual will eventually reciprocate.

2. In most instances, the individual with romantic feelings becomes upset when the individual they are attracted to pursues or engages in romantic relationships with others. I

3. In some instances, the individual with romantic feelings may consciously or subconsciously try to manipulate the other person into a relationship, by setting up or trying to engage the other person in situations or dynamics typically only found in romantic relationships. These are non-physical situations of course.

These things represent dishonesty. The individual with romantic feelings has agreed to be a friend but they harbor ulterior motives and feelings unbecoming of friendship.

The individual who was the object of attraction usually breaks off the relationship due to a feeling of stress or awkwardness upon learning of the other person's feelings for them. This avoids the situation above, and also is usually the appropriate thing to do to avoid unintentionally sending mixed signals to the person who is attracted to them.

However if the individual who harbors the feelings of attraction happens to be one of the few individuals in the world who can turn their attraction for another individual off, or who is simply opportunistically attracted to the individual (they will take the chance for a romantic relationship if given one, but are not enamored enough with the person that a romantic relationship with them is a priority) then a friendship might work out.


I think you're right, but I also think if any of the 3 reasons you gave for ending a relationship with somebody apply to a person, then that person is a pathetic child that I don't want to date or to be friends with. I only did that sort of thing the very first time I had romantic attraction to a person that was somewhat reciprocated, and afterwards I figured out how to control my feelings. I think if she had told me what bothered her about my behavior before dumping me, then I could have figured it out without having to be made to feel like s**t by being rejected by a person that I thought would be a life-long friend. I have different female friend that I'm attracted to now and we have been friends for years without any problems. It doesn't take anything but a bit of self control and honesty.

I agree with your first paragraph too, although I always thought that girls assumed the physical attraction when you started flirting and/or dating because they expect you to put so much work into picking her up before you even know anything about them. And then she plays all these games so that you have difficulty learning anything about her.



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08 Oct 2012, 10:59 am

ShamelessGit wrote:
I think the main reason people play games is that they want an ego boost from getting as many people as possible to like them, while not committing to anything themselves so that they don't get hurt if things don't work right. I think they think that someone who doesn't play the game is stupid/desperate and therefore unattractive.

I am not very optimistic about any of our chances because aspie girls are probably about the only type (apart from 30+ women who have figured out that playing the game is stupid) of woman who would appreciate aspie-male flirting styles, and there are 2-3 times as many aspie guys as girls. The law of supply and demand is against us.


if only "game" did not exist



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08 Oct 2012, 3:17 pm

I don't like guys to talk sex/long term romance from the off as I prefer to get to know their personality first. However I dont really do the flirtation mind game thing either. Once we decide we like each others personalities I just prefer to cut the c**p and get straight to it.