Too Tell or Not !.

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Hi,
I'm a 51 yr old male who has recently discovered that I almost certainly have AS. The question is do I tell people about this, not so much my family and one close friend, as they have accepted me for who I am, despite being frequently rebuffed when invited to their social occasions, but what about new acquaintances. My difficulties in making and sustaining friendships, my anxiety and my low self esteem has led me to working long and unsocial hours and becoming a virtual hermit. The realisation that I have AS has left me with a lot of questions, I have decided to test the water and join a few clubs that I have an interest in. Do I mention the AS or not, although I can get by in social situations (my age means I have had to find ways of coping), I am often seen as cold, aloof and unapproachable, this is just the amour that I have adorned in order to cope (My avatar says it all really). Do you think dropping this and telling new people I have As is the best way to go or just lower the shield a bit (if possible)
Your opinions on this would be very helpful

Cheers

Although somewhat younger I am in a similar position to you in that I am part way through the diagnostic process (and I'll eat my hat if I don't get diagnosed with AS). Personally I am going to be telling anyone with whom my symptoms affect my relationship with them e.g. if I realise I am being really withdrawn or aloof I will explain that I do not intend to be mean or ignorant but that these are symptoms of AS. I'll also tell any prospective employers; in the UK they are required by law to interview you if you disclose a disability. I figure anyone who is narrow minded enough to think less of me for something like this is probably somebody I don't want to know anyway.

I'm asking myself these same questions.

I'm leaning toward telling more people rather than fewer.

Two reasons:

1. Those who have known me a long while have already noticed that there's something going on with me, but are puzzled about it (as was I). I think knowing my diagnosis might take away some of the awkwardnessw inherent in that puzzledness. So far, in my few test cases, I've gotten an "Oh. That makes sense." reaction.

2. I can present a pretty glossy NT appearance that comes to some degree from immitating people and giving them back a little bit of themselves. I think I've seriously disconcerted a few potential friends when they've realize that I can't maintain that appearance all of the time and that knowing me is not going to be as gratifying as it seemed at first. Having a framework for understanding how i might differ from some of their other aquaintances from fairly close to the beginning might help.

None of that constitutes actual advice though. I've just had my diagnosis for a few weeks. I have no idea what the long-term results of telling vs not telling might prove to be. Like you. I've become quite solitary over time and breaking out of that pattern even a little bit might be challenging in ways I can't fully anticipate.

I'll just relay my own story and in so doing hopefully you can get sme perspective on your own situation/s.

At this stage, I am drip-feeding people and society concerning my AS status. Its getting towards Christmas and all the financial costs of Christmas, so I am delaying getting a diagnosis. I think that once I have a formal diagnosis I am just going to let people know as and when there is a need. I reckon it will be for the best because there will be no inappropriate expectations placed on me; what you see/hear is what you get.

I am not diagnosed yet but would be extremely surprised if I was not AS. I have been reading books, checking out internet sources, done all the tests and am well and truly in the spectrum.

I mentioned the matter to my mother. At 74 years, she is of the generation and from a social setting where psychological syndromes etc are not spoken of. They carry a stigma. It was possibly a bad mistake to mention it to my mother or it might turn out to be a good thing.

I think that one of the key issues with being AS is being quite poor at judging when it is the right time to tell people things or tell them at all.

I had a very good response from online gaming friends (Runescape). They were quite unphased by the notion and just wanted to know a bit more about it. They weren't too sure if I really am Aspie but then they don't know me well. I don't have friends outside of online gaming.

I have mentioned in confidence that I 'suspected' that I had Aspergers Syndrome to some people at work and they were intrigued. They were quick to point out that I wasn't insane or 'nuts' in their eyes. They seemed to think I was just attention seeking but I might have read too much into that.

I had many of the same thoughts when I first came to my realization about AS. Ultimately, I decided not to share with anyone except my wife due in large part to the uncomfortable attention it would bring to myself. I like being below the radar and just living my life according to the adjustments I've made to help me get along in society. To me, announcing AS would just put a target on my back and lead people to pre-judge based on whatever misconceptions they have about AS. While knowing I have AS has been greatly helpful to me in helping me understand myself, I can see no advantage to bringing it to light. On one level, figuring out I'm an Aspie changed everything while on another level, it changed nothing.

Good luck.

@getbusy: in my opinion this is not a question of "do" or "don't". The rule I've followed so far is "would it improve the relation to the person you think about telling or would it make things even more complicated"?

I've read about people being so happy discovering Asperger's being an explanation for their difficulties, they started telling everybody about it. On the one hand I can understand it but on the other hand, I try to imagine how I would feel if I meet somebody sort of telling me: "Hi my name is John, I'm an Aspie" I'd think he's a little to much into it, like people telling everybody that they are gay or reborn christians or whatever.

Don't get me wrong. Its OK to be gay or christian, but you might think twice if this aspect of your life is relevant to the other person. Otherwise s/he might get the impression, that you perceive yourself being nothing else besides Aspie. I mean: Being Aspie does not make up 100% of yourself. It part of you. But _part_. Getting back to my gay-example: if a guy is telling me he's gay my impression is that he might be overestimating the importance of himself being gay.

In addition: the other person might get the impression, that you expect him/her to be interested in what you consider to be so important. Why does the guy tell me he's gay? Does he want to lay me? Probably not. Does he want to start a conversation on him being gay? Why should he? I'm not discussing my sex life either...

So if (this is my hypothesis) to John Doe "Aspie" is a pidgeonhole close to "gay" or "reborn" or "claustrophobic" or anything that serves the term "being a bit differnt.." I'd be recuctant about telling unless there is a good reason (like you've messed up things with the person unintendedly).

I recently got an official diagnosis of Aspergers. I told a friend of mine and he said I was lying. Said I didn't look ret*d to him. Then said people like that can't dress or feed themselves. I tried to tell him an Aspie diagnosis does not automatically mean someone is ret*d. He insisted I didn't know what I was talking about and that he knew more because he was older than me. I told him to do further research before he opens his mouth again on the subject.

Whatever. I ended the conversation. I can't stand people who supposedly know and love me telling me I am lying about something, anything.
I don't lie. He should know that.

I on the other hand think it's real neat to have an explanation for why I am so weird. I am still me. Being an Aspie does not mean I will be a different person now that I know it. But I will be very careful about who I tell in the future.

I have wondered about this. Received the official word last month and had no particular idea what I had other than depression and um, eccentric personality. I am still getting used to the idea of identifying as such. It has not been an issue thus far. I have no one who would need to know. Family knows. That is all. I suppose I could tell my boss at work, but I worry that disclosing that may not do anything to improve the situation at work and may even make things more difficult. He knows that I know how to do the job efficiently and, if given the choice, would probably choose not to know that information about me. He does not need to know. Not relevant information for him.

So who else? My landlords? They don't gain anything from that knowledge either.

I think I will just stick to family for now with the understanding that it is not a secret and they are at liberty to discuss with others should they so choose. That will be fine.