Are your relatives supportive?

Post Reply New Topic

My husband and I along with our toddler are all in the process of being assessed and diagnosed. This is a very difficult and overwhelming time for us, so we naturally turned to our friends and family for support. Instead of meeting us with open arms, they've responded with hostility. My sisters in law haven't spoken to me in months (after patronizing us with false information about chromosomes and genetics), their mother compared it to the 'over-diagnosis of ADD' and said something about not believing in western medicine, and everyone else stuck their heads in the sand. My closest friend also stopped talking to me months ago. However, my own mother, who is so crazy that I don't want her involved at all, cannot seem to butt out, despite the fact that I asked her over and over again for some space. I'm 99% positive that she's trying to weasel her way into our house so that she can try to cast the devils out of us. That's really the last thing I need right now.

So, we've found ourselves completely alone, and I honestly don't know which feels worse - the stress of what we're dealing with, or knowing that we've been abandoned by our loved ones in our time of need.

I get mainly ambivalence. No crazies like you describe.

We've been at this for 5 years now with our 8yo so we're well past the denial stage. We still get advice but now it's thinly veiled as being "what's best for our 5yo to lead a normal life." Other than offers to take our "normal" kid off our hands - until he misbehaves of course - we hardly even see our relativeso anymore. We shared too many stories that horrified them so unless we meet briefly in neutral territory we're treated as if we're criminals.

Nope. Mainly we get a lot of criticism leveled at us for "permissive" parenting and blamed for any issues our son has. I really try to stay away from them. I don't like people who butt in, and cross boundaries anyway. Anything having to do with our son...I really have no patience.

when the topic of ADHD came up in our house, my mothers reply was "thats for nutcases". funny that really as she has it.

Well, at least I can feel like it's not uncommon to be experiencing this.

We're very seriously considering relocating to a nicer place (we hate where we live in general) with better weather, near the ocean, and no relatives making things even harder for us.

Basically we either have meddlers, deniers, and one we're afraid to even tell. With dd5 starting school her behavior at home has gotten much worse so I feel like I might have to tell "the evil one" (my MIL) next time she visits...

Yes, it seems this is common My family have all been great but my inlaws dont believe us, especially as it is in their family but not recognised. Denial everywhere, I feel as its not in my family Im being accused of making it all up. To them all the Aspie problems are "normal" as they have been living with it all thier lives. Therefore Im seen as barging into the family and pointing the finger accusing everyone of having defective genes, which of course is absolutely not the case. I am just trying to help my daughter who does have probems with it. I expected them to be supportive and be able to give advice but instead Im met with comments like "she just needs a firm hand" etc

I think you just have to choose who you speak to, get connected with other parents in a similar position and only speak to them about it, otherwise it will drive yo mad! This forum is great for advice or even just to share news

I think that is the problem in a nut shell! Its the people who show traits themselves that dont want to admit it, they are in denial.


Edit: No pun intended!

Last edited by ConfusedNewb on 07 Oct 2012, 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wanted to add the funny part being my familys reaction. My dad said "Oh so they have a name for that now?"

He then indicated that my daughter isn't all that different from how I was as a child, something I had suspected. My brother denies that she has it. Funny thing is that one of his children is CLEARLY on the spectrum. He didn't speak until he was 4 and they always passed it off as being due to a bilingual home. He got kicked out of several daycare programs for reasons similar to my daughters dismissal from a preschool. When I visit the kid stims and repeats himself, has meltdowns etc... He's 10 and has no friends, hates eating. He's 5 feet tall and probably weighs 50 lbs, hes thin as a pole. Very distractable. When he was a toddler, my brother and his wife used to have to restrain him and force feed him. He would scream the whole time, it was very disturbing. He's still obsessed with shows and toys that are more appropriate for his 6 year old brother. I tried to say something and my brother shut me down saying "we don't want to medicate our kids" Who said anything about medication?!

My husband did not want to tell his parents about our son's diagnosis because he thought they would equate autism/aspergers with mental retardation and be unable to accept having a grandchild with a disability. They live in another country so we see them pretty infrequently. A year after the diagnosis, they were here for a visit, and my husband finally broke down and told them. We were surprised and pleased about how accepting they turned out to be. (It didn't hurt that MIL is a big fan of Big Bang Theory, and we could describe it as being somewhat like Sheldon.)

I've been lucky with my friends. Most have been reasonably understanding, but if they don't have kids on the spectrum, they don't really get it. ASA meetings and support groups are wonderful because you get to spend time with people with similar experiences. You form bonds with other parents of kids on the spectrum because they know. With family, our usually bounce around between between being oblivious, unwilling to help, accusing us of crappy parenting for his issues when they present themselves, or accusing us of making stuff up and blowing his issues out of proportion when he isn't blowing up.

My wife hasn't talked to her parents in 2 years.

My husband doesn't talk to his parents and one sister (been 6+ years). They couldn't handle our son's energy etc... and made us feel very uncomfortable about it. One fight too many and he gave up. His other sister is supportive, but O/S with her family. My immediate and extended family are great, very accepting and understanding and loving with eldest son (he is severely autistic). My cousin also has a son similar who is well loved and looked after by the greater family. I don't think they really understand about my little boy (4) His autism is much milder and I get the impression that some of the extended family think there is nothing too different about him... you don't have to spend too long with him to see it, but we never spend too long at gatherings as it gets too hectic and they are all more used to the more severe end of the spectrum.
All immediate family are 6+ hours drive away, I think that helps our relationships to be better, we love the time we get to spend together and we support each other (from afar) without being in each other's space. Works for us!

I cut all of my relatives out when they decided that my son is "summat odd". Yes, they are crazy, but that is their problem, not mine. I need lots of support, not crazy talk about how ASD is the scam of the Millennium.

mostly no.

This is what we used to get from my husband's family. I haven't spoken to them in two years. Since then, my daughter has had a diagnosis - 2 years ago, she wasn't even en route to being assessed. They don't even know about the diagnosis. I'm afraid that, if I told them, they'd say it was just an excuse. However, my own family is very supportive. I couldn't ask for better parents.