Female Aspies: Attracting abusive relationships

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Joe90
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08 Oct 2012, 11:23 am

I have an auntie who seems to attract abusive men. She's in her late 40s and still hasn't seemed to learn her lesson. I'm 22 and I'm already wary, and I haven't even had a proper relationship yet. I think she does have Aspie traits though.

I seem to attract abusive friends.


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TheTigress
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08 Oct 2012, 11:48 am

Things like this make me glad I have no interest in dating and relationships.



Last edited by TheTigress on 08 Oct 2012, 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Domisoldo
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08 Oct 2012, 1:55 pm

That's an interesting thread... Most of my relationships had a negative impact on my life... I've been with men that were violent, psychologically, verbally, and even in one case physically... Narcissists and at least one pathological liar... Manipulative... Men with control issues, jealous, or insecure, who would be furious at me because even though I may seem easy to manipulate and control at first, I'm not. I definitely seem to attract this kind of person, and not be able to screen them. I wish I could learn how to do that. The only solution I found is to avoid trouble by trying to remain single, and if I happen to have someone in my life (accidents like frontal collisions happen :lol: ), keep my own household and very few ties, so that I can end it easily if and when it starts to go sour... :roll:



MindWithoutWalls
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08 Oct 2012, 4:17 pm

My older sister, an NT, had an abusive marriage for many years and then, after splitting with him, and while in a vulnerable state, got in a relationship with a lying narcissist. She's so tough otherwise that nobody would've predicted this.

That recent boyfriend was someone I'd been friends with for about a decade without knowing what he was doing and what a fraud he was. She met him through me a couple of years ago, some months after her marriage broke up. But people have told me not to feel bad, because he'd fooled so many people for so many years, which means so many NTs around me. I was still fooled when she met him, or I'd have warned her away.

I've had friendships that were controlling towards me in the end, because I wasn't the pushover people thought I was, so they got pushy or angry or both. I had to get away from those situations. It's one reason why I'm glad I never had a romantic relationship back then. Women, clearly, can be as bad a men in trying to control other women; they just do it differently. And, yes, OJani is quite right to point out that women can abuse men, too. Men can also abuse other men. It can happen even in friendships. Romance complicates it.

My girlfriend, who is probably on the spectrum, is gentle and kind, even though she can sometimes be as clueless towards me as I can sometimes be towards her. We mostly have been able to work things out over the years, and we make a very good team. But I worry that, if something ever happened to her, or to our relationship, I would be unable to attract someone else I could justifiably trust and would, instead, end up alone for the rest of my life. Always before, the ones I liked were taken or just not interested, and the ones that were interested were too scary in some way (such as aggressive) for me to want them. This is very tough. Not all people are bad, but finding a good fit for a relationship - or even a good friendship - can be very difficult.


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Mirror21
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08 Oct 2012, 6:24 pm

Verdandi wrote:
We don't attract abusers. Abusers choose us because they perceive us as easy targets.


Agreed. I have been there many times and my current relationship was headed that direction again. I love my partner and she makes me happy but her lack of understanding makes our verbal encounters almost too painful to tolerate. I think I have always made an easy target and having issues with confrontations makes me seem like I lack conviction and being unable to sustain a job has been even more terrible, considering that I have no family or friends to turn to if I chose to leave.

I did choose to put my foot down and this past week I have taken dedicated time to talk about my problems with her and try to reason the behavior she deems strange and nonsensical. We talked about sensory overload, disorganization of thoughts, executive dysfunction all of it and tho she refuses to accept the ASD title, she seems to understand better that I do not necessarily feel indifferent or callous about things as much as I seem to be unable to convey myself in a discernible manner.

Things seem to be getting back on track, but this time, if they turn back downwards, I am going to a shelter.



Tyazii
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08 Oct 2012, 7:09 pm

Hmm...I've never had a girlfriend. If you think about it, maybe that's why you're attracting abusive relationships. You find it hard to ascertain one in the first place, so you leach on to the first opportunity that presents itself. I, of course, can't speak for for you. Just speculating...



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08 Oct 2012, 7:37 pm

Yeah I attracted abusive parents, an abusive older sister, and many abusive friends.

Its normal for aspies to be abused by NT's....

The only non abusive girlfriends were short term relationships and/or non kiwi women.

One of the worst abusive girlfriends was a therapist hippie councillor, the other an institutionalised catholic crack head who was also heavily medicated..... I called 111 9 times over a one year period because of her. Also had to get a non trespass order.... Her dad has children to 4 women, and her mum is a boozer.... so abuse runs in their family



Last edited by Surfman on 09 Oct 2012, 2:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

pekkla
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09 Oct 2012, 1:06 am

I'm self-diagnosed with AS. I've spent my whole life being attracted to guys who were either unavailable (married) or emotionally distant and didn't really care. I'm now in my 50's and married to a guy who is a narcissist and I am only now realizing how much he has controlled me and my life. He's verbally abusive and has no boundaries--he'd take away my computer if he could get away with it. I'd love to get away but there are children involved. I always felt like he just wasn't that "into me" but that I could change his mind. Now I can see it's that I'm just an easy target because I really am so naive. I can't see past the lines men use. And I'm still insecure.



Yunilimo
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09 Oct 2012, 2:59 am

This is all so depressing it makes me want to cy :cry:

First off, to notice that abuse is just as common in lesbian relationships -- the idea that women have a generally more gentle and understanding nature does not seem to hold true...

Secondly, I am struck by the contradiction that seems to hold for us: on the one hand, we look like easy targets, naive, helpless, but many turn out not to be that easy to manipulate in the end, which infuriates our partners even more... I have never tolerated my partner's verbal abuse when it happened, standing my ground. I think when she physically attacked me Saturday, it was because of bottled up frustrations, over not being able to get me on my knees and break my spirit. This is a good thing in itself -- my independent mind, my rational thinking -- but I wish I had been able to throw her out permanently the first time it happened... it seems I'm so naive as to think that "if only this" or "if only that", things will get sorted and we'll be able to live in harmony. Not a chance, though... People don't change, and if they treat you poorly, it's because it's in them, and it will come out no matter what... just as I can't hide or control all my AS symptoms, no matter how hard I tried to pull on the NT act...



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09 Oct 2012, 5:18 am

Yunilimo wrote:
First off, to notice that abuse is just as common in lesbian relationships -- the idea that women have a generally more gentle and understanding nature does not seem to hold true...


True this. My abuser was also a woman.

Also: Abusive women sometimes lie their way into DV shelters to get at their partners after their partners (abuse targets) leave them. I think that was worse in the past than it is now, as there is greater awareness of abusiveness in same sex relationships. There was a time when this was something that simply wouldn't be acknowledged openly.



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09 Oct 2012, 11:53 am

This pattern of being chosen by controlling people because I give off vibes of being easy to control (when actually the opposite is true about me) happens to me with everyone, not only romantic relationships but also friends. I've been a lot happier since I gave up on humans, for this reason.

Therapists insist that same way as the abusers choose us, we choose abusers, unconsciously, due to childhood trauma. However, if these therapists understood AS in depth, they'd know that I don't choose these people. I end up with them because the non-abusers pass up on me.


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09 Oct 2012, 12:06 pm

Verdandi wrote:
Yunilimo wrote:
First off, to notice that abuse is just as common in lesbian relationships -- the idea that women have a generally more gentle and understanding nature does not seem to hold true...
True this. My abuser was also a woman.
There's a hormonal angle to it, though. Women are just as aggressive, but they tend toward a different style than men do: Relational aggression rather than physical aggression; things like spreading rumors, distancing you from your friends, ruining your reputation, etc. Women are probably also better on average at hurting people verbally. But these are such small tendencies--there are certainly physically aggressive women; just fewer of them.

What I find troubling about the idea that women are not abusive, is that people who are abused by a woman may find it harder to get help--especially if they are male--because of the idea that a female abuser cannot put you in real danger, or that it can't be abuse and has to be just a "normal" feud between a couple. I know that some of the bullies who decided I made a good plaything got away with it mostly because they were female and could put on a very convincing innocence act. In fact, one of them used to get physically violent--and nobody believed it because not only was she a star student and the principal's daughter, she was also ultrafeminine and quite pretty. Beauty ruined by her hateful nature, certainly, but still pretty.


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09 Oct 2012, 12:53 pm

I know I was friends with a drug user for a while. We aren't really friends anymore, but we still talk and Mom still takes us both out to dinner. I think his persistence in wanting to know me was what attracted me to him.


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Verdandi
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10 Oct 2012, 2:32 am

Callista wrote:
There's a hormonal angle to it, though. Women are just as aggressive, but they tend toward a different style than men do: Relational aggression rather than physical aggression; things like spreading rumors, distancing you from your friends, ruining your reputation, etc. Women are probably also better on average at hurting people verbally. But these are such small tendencies--there are certainly physically aggressive women; just fewer of them.


I am not sure about hormonal elements so much as socialization being an issue here.

Quote:
What I find troubling about the idea that women are not abusive, is that people who are abused by a woman may find it harder to get help--especially if they are male--because of the idea that a female abuser cannot put you in real danger, or that it can't be abuse and has to be just a "normal" feud between a couple. I know that some of the bullies who decided I made a good plaything got away with it mostly because they were female and could put on a very convincing innocence act. In fact, one of them used to get physically violent--and nobody believed it because not only was she a star student and the principal's daughter, she was also ultrafeminine and quite pretty. Beauty ruined by her hateful nature, certainly, but still pretty.


I wouldn't say "especially if they are male." For a long time it was practically forbidden to discuss abuse in lesbian relationships, as it wasn't taken seriously at all, and wasn't even believed because "women aren't socialized to be abusive." Plus as I mentioned above how lesbian abusers could infiltrate DV shelters to get at their partners.

I wouldn't say especially either way.



Yunilimo
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10 Oct 2012, 3:17 am

That is horrible, Verdandi, female abuses infiltrating DV shelters :-(

My ex partner is now coming back for more, trying to suck me back in. Lucky my knee still hurts, as a reminder of the physical assault that DID take place. And receiving a strong validation of my AS suspicions by a psychologist specializing in ASD is also immensely helpful. As is this thread. Thank you.