Feeling sad.

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I was going to post this in the haven but changed my mind. People who participate in this forum are old enough to perhaps relate to what I'm saying.

Thirty years ago I had my first real girlfriend; I was at university in England and she was a foreign exchange student, an American girl. We had an intense relationship until she went back to the US; we exchanged telephone calls and letters (no internet in those days) but they slowly dwindled and our lives went separate directions. In another forum this evening someone was talking about the American accent and it reminded me of her. Out of curiosity I typed her name into Google and there on the first page was a link to her memorial page with her photo. She died two years ago in a traffic accident aged 48, apparently she never married or had children. I know we drifted apart thirty years ago but I feel strangely very sad, like a part of me has died too. I still remember holding her, making love to her, laughing and sharing times together. I can still see her smiling face. The memories are still clear. I wonder if my wife would mind if she saw me having a little weep.

I was adopted at birth and never knew my natural parents. My adoption mother died when I was in my twenties. A couple of months ago I got an email from one of my blood relatives who had tracked me down from a post I left on the internet around 15 years ago! We exchanged a number of emails and information. I finally saw photographs of my natural mother. I look a lot like her. Apparently she died twenty years ago, only aged 57 due to complications arising from type 2 diabetes. Ironically a few weeks ago I too have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. It has already caused some nerve damage to various parts of my body and some other problems.

It seems somehow like a corner has been turned in life; the past is gone; people I knew are dying or dead, some I never even got the chance to meet. My own body is starting to fail in various ways; I am having problems regulating my blood sugars and frequently find I'm getting confused or very tired due to low or high blood sugar levels. It is making me forget things and even sluring my speech.

I have been unemployed for the last couple of years and nobody wants to employ someone aged 52 when there are so many younger people available; especially in the IT field. Out of desperation I have even tried to get menial work but "pole emploi" the employment agency even turns me down for that because they give priority to people on benefits. The irony is that because I've not worked here in France long enough I don't qualify for any benefits so on a technicality I can't even apply for those menial jobs either! I can't get any benefits from England because we are resident in France. We can't afford to move back to the UK either - we don't even have the fare for the boat, let alone money to rent somewhere to live! My income is virtually zero and my wife only has a tiny pension. I sell a little of my software on the internet but it is more of a hobby income than a serious financial income. I see nothing happening to change the bleak financial future. The water heater has just broken and we can't afford to replace it so we only have cold water now.

We have not been able to afford to buy any food for the last couple of months, simply so we can put enough money on one side to pay the local tax bill (got to keep those local bureaucrats in employment) so we've spent the last couple of months living on the vegetables I've grown in my garden and the eggs from our few chickens. Sooner or later we'll get a bill we can't pay and by that stage I'll likely be looking longingly at a rope dangling from a tree.

The hopes and dreams of youth have long since gone. There is a feeling of drifting downhill now; winding down to my own demise. Nothing left to look forward to; just living each day as it comes, half hoping it will be my last rather than a prolonged slide into further bodily decay and financial poverty. Sorry, I know I'm being morbid, maybe a little depressed. I just needed to write something, get this off my chest.

Wow, getting old sounds like it sucks.

I read what you wrote, just saw this and decided to give a read. I found it interesting how this people have found you. My family from my homecountry has been finding me on facebook and my mother has been searching and finding her side of the family on there as well, the thing that makes me sad about this is how she always wonders if her mother is still alive since she has not heard from her in a few years. Its very poor where from, it's beautiful,but a lot of people don't get the life we do here, but if they have internet and everything then it's not that bad. I don't know much of their living or anayhting like that. My biological father has also come in touch with me on there also.

I have recently had some problems finanacially it's been the worst yeard for since I have transferred from previous work location to a new place my income went down drastically and has put in danger of losing my home and my marriage, worst thing about it is that theirs to young boys involved which has kept me from moving on. I love them very much and would hurt me if I lost them through a divorce. AllI'm told thouhg is just to expect to lose them and pay up monthly for my son since the other I have never adopted to take my name for my wifes choice and that was fine since I never took my stepfathers name,but see him as my father. One thing that angers me is how I wasn''t fully told of my huge pay decrease untill after I arrived at my new job, the only positive thing is that I'm there for only one more year.
We have food, but we struggle with bills and gas money because we live far from anything. I wans't able to make it into work this morning because I was having phone issues so my ride to work left and didn't have the money to get there. This made me feel worthless and hopeless. Even though these things are happening I try to stay positive and say tommorow will be a better day. Doesen't always means it will though.

TM,

Can your wife still get her pension if you live in the UK? If so, wouldn't it be better to live where you guys have 2 pensions? The boat fare would have to be a loan from somewhere.

Can you teach computers at a community center for people of poor means? Those jobs pay little, but it's something. What about teaching English to immigrants at some community center?

Can you have access to anti-depressants? Lots of bad things happening to you right now, meds might get you through all this. Living somewhere where you have some kind of medical coverage even if you're not working should be your first priority. Some people start dying at our age, it's true, but many, many will live past 100, even 120. The generation after ours will live till 140, according to the experts. At your age, you can still have many years of good health if you take care of yourself.

I'm assuming your wife is not able to work. Can you get some simple jobs not through agencies, so that they don't screen you because you're not on benefits?

If your wife has citizen rights in France, then she should be able to get help from the gov't to fix the heater. You can't spend the winter with only cold water.

I feel you. It's hard to get to be older (like I am too) and not have the security that you assumed you would have. I'm in the situation too. It's scary. There is an inheritance for my husband but I don't even know about that now.

I'm going to PM you about something ok?

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

sorry to hear this Tallyman.

I'm about your age, and trying to figure out what, if anything, the future might hold. I lost my boyfriend 15 years back. Never got over it, gave up trying after a while; but learned to be alone not lonely. You and your wife still have a chance. You are still a team. I wish for you to find/figure out one thing to do which would get you back home again, where you'd have a better chance at taking another step forward.

i'm sorry tallyman i'm roughly your age also and i feel the hard jagged edges of this world closing in on me also. heaven looks awfully good right about now. but hanging is a bad way to go.

Tallyman, I really feel for you in your situation. It might appear like there are no options at all but there often are. It sounds like you need to break the mould entirely and think completely outside the square. Without promoting criminal activity; is there anything you can do such that the authorities are compelled to export you? Hey, what about stowing away on some ship? Or umm, do a Dunkirk evacuation .... Crazy stuff yes, so don't take me seriously except in saying for you to think completely outside of the mould.

On a more realistic note, maybe someone in this forum who lives in the UK and happens to be in France for any reason could at least meet you and talk through the situation. Maybe with a good talk a rational plan can be worked out and with a little help from others you could break out of the situation you are in? After all, what are networks like Wrong Planet for? I am sure it can be for more than chatting.

I am a fair bit younger and not in any immediate difficulty, but its a precarious world economically and my biggest concern is for my kids in the event that I did lose my job. I have thoughts of dropping out because while I am a successful career person it takes its toll on me. The idea of going back to natureis attractive but its when I hear stories like yours that I realise how lucky I am and that despite the troubles I have, I could be a lot worse off.

What keeps me on the road are my responsibilities to others around me. When the kids are older and left home, who knows what might become of me.

Your description was so vivid to me it felt like I lived those years. You should write more.

Thank you everyone for the support and positive words. I'm feeling a lot more happy now. I was quite down that day. There are no easy solutions for the stuff life is throwing at me at the moment, so all I can do is drift forwards for the time being, still trying to find that elusive job and keep my hopes up.