NT crushing hard on a guy who might be an aspie

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I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to ask here. What if they are crushing on each other? I would think that would be good. Hopefully they can get past any barriers/communication issues and get together.

Or are you asking - What if an aspie is crushing on an NT who is crushing on ANOTHER aspie? Then you have a love triangle and nobody wins unless the NT gives up on his/her original crush and considers the other guy/gal.

Or what if the aspie whos crushing on the NT is crushing on the other aspie while the other aspie is crushing on the aspie who is crushing on the NT?

i'm tired of being overlooked on online dating sites

Try to come up with some things to keep the conversations going. My boyfriend emailed me for about 2 months. To be honest the conversations were not interesting at all. Every time he would ask me out I just quit responding. I never said no because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I just wasn't interested. I thought that by saying nothing he would be less hurt and just move on to the next girl. He was attractive, and his profile was nice but when he would email me it was usually something like "waht are you doing?" At that point in the evening I was usually on plentyoffish and watching tv. I am not trying to seem like a jerk, but usually I was talking with a few different men and since they were more conversational I didn't pay a lot of attention to my boyfriend. I wasn't mean, just paid more attention to the others who put forth effort in their conversations. It is a bit of an expectation that the person who annitiates the conversation is the one who should get it going. Then one night the guy who I had broken up with but was still sort of seeing pulled one of his normal stunts (the reason I broke up with him in the first place) and I was just over it. I told myself that as long as I kept the wrong one around I would never be open to find the right one. That night when I logged on he emailed me. I reread his profile again and I lead the discussion. Later that night I gave him my myspace address and we IMed all night. It was then his personality came out and not only did I agree to go out on a date with him but also decided I didn't want to wait until Friday night (this was a Sunday) I ended up meeting him for lunch the next day and totally fell in love with him by the end of that date. I can't tell you what it was.. although I found/find him attractive it was not based on his looks. I just "knew" he was "the one" I have asked him several times why he kept emailing me and he said he wasn't sure. He said the conversations weren't great for him either he just didn't know what else to say to me, but my profile just made him really think I would be a good match for him. It scares me when I think how close I came to never having him.

Look at her profile. Look at what she says, pictures etc.. write down the things that interest you about her based on that and come up with conversations. If you do not want to be overlooked you have to put forth the effort to get noticed. Even if that means stepping outside your comfort zone. I hadn't been overlooking him to be mean.. it was just easier to talk to the guys who put in some effort. I don't remember everything I asked him about when I read his profile it has been 3 years now. But I know he had one picture of himself in a band... What kind of music do you play? How long have you been in this band? How many have you played with? Do you write your own music? When did you learn to play guitar? I didn't write all of that in one message but wanted to give you an idea how from one picture I got many questions.

pisses me off

What exactly?

Are you pissed off because a perfectly great guy was being overlooked? If so why exactly does that piss you off? Do you expect a woman to know through a website that someone is a great guy if based on what she reads he doesn't seem so great or interesting?

Or is it that you have to put forth effort? Why should you be noticed and paid attention to when you don't appear to put forth any effort?

I do realize that AS makes that more difficult for you. But there is plenty of advice on this thread and on others to help you at least make an effort. You don't have to be Aspie to have difficulty in social situations and it is also not an excuse to not make an effort. Based on your posts here it reminds me of those many emails I would get saying "I know you wont answer me back, no one ever does" My first thought was always "dude.. seriously if that is what you are saying then no.. I am sure no one responds. We are looking for dates not work. However, I always did respond (to every email actually) and very nicely pointed out that those types of emails do not entice a woman to respond and gave some ideas like I have posted here. There were actually a number of guys who just needed a little help getting going and then were able to find dates and would email me about them. One guy I kept in touch with for a couple of years. He tried to challenge me at first saying that it wasn't that easy. Together we chose 10 guys who were out of my league and would clearly not be interested in me based on their appearence (there are guys who find me attractive and those who don't... fact.. not big deal) and profile. Most of whom we chose wanted women in their 20's and I was mid 30's. Size "barbie" I was not. They mostly wanted someone with no kids and I had a child. The deal was that I had to send them an email, they had to respond, I would respond and they had to send me one more email. In other words, they had to email back twice. They did not have to ask me out or be interested in me. The point being that if you do it right you can get a response and if you open the communication you at least have a foot in the door. They may not be interested but then again they just might be. ALL ten responded twice some actually more. We had a nice conversation even if there was not a love connection. Two actually asked me out. At the end of one of the dates we agreed there was no chemistry for either of us but we had a fun date. The other was not interested in me after the date. No biggie.. I had lots of dates on those sites and anyone who wants to can as well. I am not saying you have to pretend to be someone you are not but you do have to let people know who you are. You have to get yourself noticed. You can be pissed off all you want about it.. but you have to decide what you really want. Do you really want dates? Or would you rather sit around complaining that no one pays attention to you? Seems by your posts you don't really care about getting dates you just want to complain you don't have any. And clearly that is the fault of every woman out there and has nothing to do with your behavior... or lack of. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. It doesn't seem you realy want a date at all.

i do want a date, a girlfriend, i just hate having to put in the work, effort to get one, girls don't have to put in much social effort

I REALLY don't want to come across as nasty or hateful here... sometimes tone and intention are lost in type...

Is it that you don't want to put in the effort with many women to find the one or you just don't want to put forth any effort at all and hope a great girl will fall in your lap? With the former I can see the frustration.. but trust me.. I am a woman.... and if a women and especially NT's have it easier in your mind you are totally wrong I do not have it easier and I ASSURE you. It is no more difficult but not easier if you take out the one advantage of social difficulties you may have... I am very chatty, a little silly at times (though not immature) I enjoy crafts and my kids and hanging out with friends. I don't like sports or macho garbage. When I like someone weather as a friend or more I tend to do a lot for them and be very intune to their needs... this can come across as clingy or land me users. I have to be sure to talk.. but not too much.. not be too silly, not discuss crafts too much, not put down sports too much, don't be too nice in a way that will come across as clingy.... it most certainly is an effort. THEN when you land a relationship you have even more effort. How do you think I have managed to build a good and loving relationship with an Aspie. It would be effort with an NT too, but I have to figure out how to express myself, help him avoid shut downs, learn his expressions and social comfort levels.... and we are raising a child together. Coming from a very abusive upbringing on his part, not always having facial expressions that go along with what I would expect in a situation and having a child that really needs discipline especially at her age I have to put forth effort. Is he upset when I pop her on the diaper for throwing a drum stick at the tv after just being told not to? Is he upset because I poped her diaper (in other words made a noise but didn't physically hurt her in any way) is he upset she threw the drum stick? When I put her in time out for screaming at the top of her lungs because I won't let her have a cookie before breakfast is he upset that she is in trouble? That she is yelling? That I didn't just give her the cookie? And then there is trying to get him to discipline on some level that he is comfortable with so I am not always the bad guy. Effort. Not wasted effort for sure. I am glad I know he is Aspie and can ask him after I get her redirected .... are you ok with how I handled that? How would you like to address that in the future? Will you please at least take the drumstick away from her and not give it back when she potentially damages the tv. etc.

If you are pissed off at not finding the right one that is what most people feel. But the effort is worth it long term.

If you are pissed that you need to put forth any effort ever... you are going to have a very long lonely life... or end up with someone who has no self esteme. I will go with you just being pissed off about all that effort still not landing you anyone meaningful and for that... I am sorry.. I do hope you find someone who sees you for your great worth.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqHQPUE42_w[/youtube]This what we aspie men are like to NT women. Its no wonder we drive them nuts and they avoid us at all costs! Most of them anyway.

Or what if the NT has a crush on an aspie but the aspie has a crush on another aspie but that aspie has a crush on the nt and another aspie has a crush on the other aspie while that aspie has a crush on that aspie? Im just being silly here hehe

yes, tired of my efforts going unnoticed

It can take a long time before you find that person who appreciates all you do. I think it gets easier as you get older. I know with the guy I dated before my boyfriend my efforts were appreciated. I know that my boyfriend really truly appreciates my efforts and I feel the same way about him. Don't give up. I know it is easy to want to. Find someone you are able to communicate well with. That is really important and be sure to communicate well yourself. Things did not get great for us until I quit thinking I knew what he was thinking or what something meant and started telling him how what he was doing made me feel and asking for him to explain. I had gotten it wrong almost every time, and when I had it right I had the reasons wrong. It is so easy to misread things and good communication is the only key to keeping that from happening. We have had some major issues with our septic system (we rent) and this had a domino effect in our home. (very long explanation that is really not needed) after 22 days everyones schedule was way off and I was the only one able to keep us all from jumping off a bridge. On day 22 after having a disaster at work I walked in to find my son in shut down mode, my boyfriend in melt down and the 2 year old had turned into a whirling dervish (screaming and running and demanding) It was awful. Voices had to be raised and frustration showed in our tone when we spoke. Even with NT/NT this would have lead to a "fight" between the adults and everyone being angry with each other. In the middle of the chaos I stopped and made him look at me. I told him that we are frustrated and this is rediculous but we will get through it. That my voice is raised and my tone is stressed but it is at the situation and not at him (I had to have the same conversation with my son) and that I am not taking his tone or volume as directed at me. We are fine. I will help however I can but that I need "you" to tell me what you need. I tell you this to stress how important it is to find someone you can commuicate your needs and what you are feeling and have them do the same and understand your needs. I am human and not perfect. Then your efforts will be appreciated. I am sure living surrounded by NT's who don't make sense is frustrating to you. Sometimes I get frustrated when my AS guys can't seem to grasp the simple things. This is especially difficult when things are stressful because I could use some help in those times. These types of communications help them to understand my emotions and what they mean without adding more stress trying to figure it out and for me it serves as a reminder that they need a little extra understanding. You may have to be the person who gets the communication started but once you do you will get the response you are looking for. It is very easy to misread an Aspie for an NT just as you find it difficult to read an NT. You may not be as unappreciated as you think... it may just be more of a misunderstanding.

I wish NTs did not dump me because I'm an aspie

If anyone dumps you because your an aspie, then you didn't need to be with them in the first place. When I was younger I was dumped by a guy because he said I was too childish. Well guess what? That's part of me! Yeah I'm silly and can act childish. Oh well like it or leave it. There will be an NT (If that's what you're looking for) out there who will like you, all of you. It's possible... as my name indicates...

I agree! I would not change a single trait even if I could. I do not get any more frustrated with him than I would an NT guy or they would get with me. In all honesty I get less frustrated because I know with my Aspie if he misses something or is not considerate in a particular situation it is not because he simply doesn't care or can't be bothered it is because he missed a cue and if I bring it to his attention he is genuine in his response. I know this is hard to do when you want a relationship so badly but if someone dumps you because you are Aspie they truly are not deserving of all the wonderful traits you have to offer. When My Space was still something people used lol... There were places to write all kinds of things. Mine always said "just kissing frogs and tossing toads" This makes me think of that. I went into each date and each beginning of a relationship expecting to kiss that frog and hope he turned into a prince. There were a lot of toads but I still had faith that one of those frogs would be my prince. I call him "My Perfect Prince" all the time. He tells me "how messed up" he is and I return with "you are MY Perfection" and it is true. These things that are "wrong" with someone who is Aspie, or weird or different.... these are things I truly adore and want in a man. If you meet someone who is not even willing to take a chance and kiss the frog then they are not worth the Prince they would have found.

Hi LoriB,

what did you think about this book? Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships - www.amazon.com




This book seems to be written in a positive way compared to NT women basically telling other women how to get out of a relationship with as AS man, early.