I would rather not exist.

Post Reply New Topic

Is it better to not exist than to exist? I suppose that not existing would give me no feeling of relief, because I wouldn't exist to feel it.

But at least I wouldn't merely be a puppet, a pain collector. I wouldn't be experiencing every moment in pain; making every decision out of desperation.

I feel like this, every day:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c ... gh_002.jpg

I know that none of you know me, but I really have nowhere to turn. I can't even talk to my family, I don't know how.

I was going to type a long post, in the hopes of perhaps enlightening myself; getting out of this. But I do not believe that this would be the case. I don't have the energy to finish. I just don't want to have to care anymore, to feel, to know that I'm hurdling toward multiple oblivions.

Goodbye.

have you tried writing it down then printing it out and handing it to them as I find it allot easier than having to talk about something most of the time...

i know how u feel, and bc of that, i'll be honest and say i dk what advice to give you. life sucks, plain and simple. it seems pointless to go on day after day without any relief from your own personal hell that no one seems to see, much less understand, outside of yourself. and even you may not understand it. i don't understand what i am going through, i just know it hurts, i can't name it, can't define or describe it, it just hurts.

but if you're still here, i will tell you a revelation i came to last night.

i've been listening to all the s**t in my head and letting it control me, more accurately i've let that stuff be me. i've listened to myself try to figure it all out, let that voice of reason go on and on looking for an answer while it is swayed by every emotion that i have, usually a depressed state. i realized last night that all those emotions and all that "talk" in my head is not really me. i can't figure things out, it is not possible, nor do i really want to figure things out. what i want is to go on with life. and life does not live in my head. the hell may be in me but it is not the whole me. so i'm letting it go, i'm going to stop looking for an answer as to y i feel so bad, y things hurt so much. by not looking for a y i can live and take things as they come.

maybe u don't relate to that, but it is a little of me.

i do hope things get better for you. and in answer to you question, i think it is better to exist than not to exist. i've tried to "not exist" before, and when i failed, i was more miserable than before, not bc i failed or bc i still had to exist in my miserable life, but bc i was pissed at myself for giving up. i'm no quitter and not existing equates to not trying anymore. there's something about just going on that is an award in and of itself, in spite of what happens or if things get better or not. it's an achievement to keep on keepin on.

<-- Not really equipped to help as much as i'd like too, sounds like you're having a rough time so i'll just send you some good will.

ps:- One thing that can help when it all gets a bit much... focus on the little things, maybe go outside and look at a tree or something, take the time too imagine what that tree has seen, all the people that passed under it, all the lives that interacted with it, sometimes doing things like that helps me step outside myself for a bit and it can cheer me up. Also make sure you're listening too "always look on the bright side of life" by Monty Python while doing it .

pps:- Good luck and good vibes.

Druidus, almost all of us who are ASpic go through depression. It's mostly cenetered around our lack of ability in making close friendships, or failing at a job. It's what leads a lot of us to self-medicate with alcohol, or drugs. Please read the posts in these forums, and understand you're NOT alone. All of us who post here share our feelings, and we care about each other. Please feel free to send me a message.

Unfortunately,the closest thing to not "being" is death.Unfortunately,No one really knows what happens when we die.What becomes of the "I"?The "I" that is suffering,lonely,sees no point to existence.The "I" who feels more pain then pleasure.(depression blocks the brains ability to feel pleasure but seems to have no difficulty feeling pain or the pain of numbness.)I have spent most of my 43 years in that state.I wondered,even at 5 or 6,what "piece" had been left out of me.The piece that others seemed to have to experience "joy".A lot of people appear to experience "depression" but I felt like "I" was "depression"....(oh,aint I special). I tried learning about "spirituality",because it seemed to give other suffering people relief.I tried to learn about human psychology and spent my share of time in psych. classes,therepy,psych wards,trying anti-depressants.I tried losing myself to alcohol and sex.I destracted myself with boyfriends,books or TV for a few hours of relief,(very counter-productive).The very "concept" of having a future,was as terrifying as someone who was stretched on a rack and told they would be there another 50 years.

After two suicide attempts,a third aborted by police,and ending up in back-brace(lucky to not be paralysed for life....)After drinking myself into 6 months of homelessness and all the fun that entails.....I came to a realization.I had no meaning in my life because I had never created any,other then escape from the worst times of suffering.I decided,that for some reason...something was not going to let me die until I had learned whatever lesson,I needed to learn to evolve past this pain.I made an existential choice to create meaning for myself,as the meanings others had created did not seem to work for me.
I decided to "rebirth" myself.I gave up the darkest things...the sex,punk and death rock music,drinking.I became a child again.I went back to the few times in my life that I didnt dwell in terror....my stuffed animals,biking,rock collecting,books,making art,dumpster diving and thriftstore treasure hunting.I stopped letting the world define what was "good" or "age appropriate".I went back to the woods and explored,I adopted two cats that NEEDED me and would be hurt by my death...that above all else kept me anchored to a commitment to live.I excercised my body with obsessive 30 mile bike rides and Yoga.Mostly,I made a great effort.The whole time I but myself on a time limit.I said.....if this doesnt work,within ten years....I will kill myself,but until then,I will not let myself dwell on thoughts of suicide or the meaninglessness or cruelty of the world.One of the factors of my depression was the over all inhumainity and cruelty of humans.Even the animals I love so much...live on a "kill to live" exestence.So,I decided to try and "be nice".I have worked in social services for the past 16 years.I hate it because it means being in flawed often illogical situations with humans...however,there are people there who are suffering and I can offer them small comforts.I haven't ended world suffering but I have offer small moments of comfort.Thats the most I can do.

I made it past the 10 year mark and decided to stick around another 10 years and the reevaluate.I still have moments but have only about 25% of the suffering I used to have.It has worked for me but I have had to work hard to get this far.I now have a boyfriend(4 years is my longest relationship!),2 cats and two bunnies.They are my life.I keep making small steps to relieve the things in my life that cause me suffering.I stopped "making" myself be social.I stopped making having a boyfriend the center of my life and "stumbled" on one who excepts me as I am.(I would except nothing less).I still have to resolve the "Making money"delima...that is my current goal...to find work that doesnt cause so much stress.But i am a long way from the time of looking for the best tall building to leap from.

I dont know if any of this will make sense to you.It is just information,what you do with it is up to you.Perhaps your relief exists elseware.I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering and that some people have escaped the worst
of it.There is small bits of hope.

I would rather not exist at this moment myself. I think that if I was never born...that would've been the best answer for me a lot of the time because I don't like the idea of ending my life, even though I don't feel as though I should be here.

To choose not to exist and blank out while being alive doesn't help any. I've tried it when I was young and it feels like being a zombie, even though there are no drugs.

If life is chosen and existence is chosen, for me, I need to find my place in it....and find a good friend who will love me the way I am, talk to me, etc....like the song "Lean On Me". I thought I had a friend like that, but things happened. Now I feel really alone. It's not about being around people. I could be around lots of people playing their stupid game, laughing, and pretending to get along, but I don't want that. I feel like I need a real friend to WANT to exist.

Just my thoughts.

Choose life! That's what I do.

If you remain alive, there is always a chance that things will get better.

If you die, there might be no more chances at all.

That's not meant to be 'clever' or 'deep' or anything, it's my own personal belief and it helps me when I feel down.

Depression is most likely to be caused by doubt or insecurity in existential questions. I can relate to feeling overwhelmed by the cruelty in this world, because I have lived through it for 19 years now. I always observed this cruelty in awe, and wondered why. How could anyone find pleasure in watching others suffer? Where does this thrill come from, and why doesn't "do unto others..." make sense to the world. It does to me.
I wrote a thread in the "get to know each other" forum where I described my life from birth to present and how I have struggled through life with no sense of accomplishment as of yet. I have attempted suicide several times by cutting my wrist, bu never managed to cut deep enough. The last time I paniced when I started feeling dizzy.
I havent attempted suicide in two years now because I am no longer living in total agony. The feeling I have today isn't really a feeling anymore. I'm more like this body who lives to feed itself and stay alive. There is no purpose, only emptiness and the gray skies above me.
The few moments of euphoria I experience are short lived, and always have an anxiety attached to them. I never feel peace, never feel pure joy, or love for that matter. Negative feelings however, are prone to bring me down any time.
I haven't given up yet. There must be hope. I am writing an album where these feelings come out as music. I have entitled it "The End Of All Suffering". When I have completed it, my task on this earth is done. Then, I will feel true peace and can finally resign from this life...

I would rather not exist.

Post here. We're always ready to listen. Hey, at least one person has found at least a boyfriend through WP.

Hi Druidus,

Often, when we're down, it helps to talk. It helps us get our thoughts into some kind of order so we can see where we're going. And often it helps too if we talk to others who undesrtand the way we are feeling. A lot of us here have been in some very dark places, so please feel free to open up if you want to.

As sigholdaccountlost says, we're always ready to listen.

Take care,
Starr

Finding potential boyfriends has never been a problem (my social circle consists of geeks- anything female is pursued relentlessly whether it's interested or not), but they're never the guys I like, or they're guys that I could like, but I never know whether they see me as a potential girlfriend or just someone they can sleep with a few times and discard when something better appears. Or they're guys who don't like me as I am but like what they think I could become if I changed according to their wishes. Or the relationship fails when I inevitably f**k it up. I don't usually realise what the problem is until it's too late, and by the time I manage to communicate what's wrong the relationship's dead.

But anyway, I don't think finding a boyfriend would help, it'd just mean I'd make another person miserable, which I don't want to do. I don't think talking about my problems helps either- I've spoken to my parents and all that does is either worries and upsets them or convinces them they need to "train" me. Going home's stressful enough without this. Counsellors are just plain creepy. thankyou very much for your kind offer, but I just don't like talking to people I don't know intimately (in the emotional sense of the word) about the things that cause me problems.

At the end of the day, I just need to get on with my work. Nothing else really matters. All I have are my parents and a few passing friendships. Once my parents die, my work will be all I really have left. I don't want to screw it up.

I'm 19, I've never been in any really meaningful relationships, of mine are mostly one sided. I see a girl that I like, I ask her out. We go out once or twice and usually it ends bad. My favorite was a girl I went out on two dates with. We had a lot in common, we seemed to get along well together and I can't deny that I thought she was cute. 2 dates and she tells me some story about how she cares about me so she explains that the ring she's been wearing ain't just for looks... I was devastated. I really don't know if she liked me or not, maybe it was just in her mind a nice way of ditching me. But I was devastated for quite some time.


On the subject now and by this you can tell I have issues... The only reason I haven't already killed myself is I'm scared of an angry vengeful God who will torture me for all eternity if I decide to kill myself.

I'm thinking about it a lot. The only thing I think keeps me going is that I may be able to meet other people like myself in a AS group. To have close friends. I hear there's some group starting closer to me.

When you feel like this, people always say to reach out to other people. It's that much harder for me because something goes wrong when I do. I've been trying to reach out for so long. I don't know what goes wrong.

My family keeps calling but I don't want to connect with them anymore. They lied to me time and time again, and broke my trust. I DO talk to them on the phone, but I get sick over it. And I think I get nervous talking to them, because my armpits get soaked with sweat. They don't know this. I don't live with my 2 sisters or anyone else in my family.

My sisters really let me down and hurt me. I thought we were close at one time. I need to start new relationships, make a new family out of friends. Things can't go back the way they were with my sisters. I'm always on guard with them and keep my thoughts to myself. I can't talk to my boyfriend cause he's not interested in hearing what I have to say. He zones out when I ask him for help with problems.