Putting my foot down with my parents and sister

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Hi,

For the past two years, I have not spoken with my parents or my sister. I had decided that it was best if we did not speak due to seeming to bring the worst out in each other. When we did talk, however, they seemed to cut our conversations short even if I have not seen them for years at a time or speak to them that often. They would seem to make excuses and blow me off with, "Can I call you later?" Then they never would.

I had also decided not to talk to my parents for a while because they don't seem to be very respectful of your feelings and say whatever they want. They then get other people mad at them and it's the other person's fault. They say, "That person thinks they are better than us." So I decided not to speak with them for those reasons. Especially since I used to retaliate in anger at my mom especially.

For the most part, they have not bothered me which is good. At the same time, they don't seem to get it that I don't want to talk to them right now as I don't care for the interactions. They also seem to try and contact me whenever they seem to want something or when it's important.My mom is also schizophrenic and is paranoid and while my family recognizes it, they seem to act like she is a bad guy for being sick. Yes, she has a very mean mouth on her too.

Anyway-

One of my sisters contacted me today on a messaging system for my dad and explained to me that my dad lost his job several months ago and has not been able to find another one, while mom refuses to look for a job because she does not want to work. This is due to her paranoia and delusions. This is while explaining to me that Dad is having panic attacks all the time. So, she explained to me that Dad wants to talk to me.

Although I feel bad, I really feel like if my dad wanted to talk to me so bad, then he would tired to get my number from my aunt a long time ago. Then he would have called me. So, I feel manipulated like they either want money or sympathy.

So, I wrote to my sister and explained my apologies about Dad not finding a job. I then laid it into her that mom cannot work with her condition as she is not medicated. I then said I would contact them when I felt ready since I was not at this point.



Could I have handled things better when it came to my sister?

It's difficult to say. The problem with family is that we care about them, but if their behaviour is destructive then we need to make sure we look after ourselves too.

I feel for you. My Mom suffers from paranoia too. I want to be there for her, but talking to her hurts. Sometimes she can say things that are quiet cutting and I know she doesn't mean it deep down she cares about me. But her behaviour is so destructive sometimes that I can't cope. My Dad has AS and can be destructive too. Though i'm not sure I blame his as. I have friends with as who don't behave as unreasonably as he does. I want to see them more often, but I feel like for my own sanity I need to keep my distance.

My Mom's delusions at the moment are very elaborate and I don't know whether to believe her or not. But then I don't want to feed the delusion. When she comes over she is full of stories that I don't believe and it upsets me. I don't know how to help her. she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her.

You told your sister things that are true. That your mum can't work as she's not on medication. You told her you are not able to cope with your parents and need space. You also showed empathy for your Dad saying you were sorry he is out of work. I don't know what else you can do.

It's difficult to have parents that you may feel you need to look after. Especially as parents are generally meant to look after you. That can hurt.

Ps i've been wondering what these cute ponies are on people's profile pictures. I've just discovered that they're New style my little pony and I totally love them!

Another thing that bothered me was that my sister tried to boss me around in the spring about calling my grandmother because she had to put the cat down.

My family knows I have a thing with cats. At the same time, I decided against contacting my grandmother as I felt it was a patronizing thing to do. This was since my grandmother does not really seem to take the initiative in wanting to call or write to me either.

Even if you wanted to help your Dad are you in a position to do so?

Would this turn into money lending? Or could you actually help him find a job?

I would think it would be be worth helping on certain conditions. You can't them their situation overwhelm you and drag you down with them.

I really feel like they are contacting me based on wanting something from me rather than wanting to know how I am doing. In terms of my Dad, he never bothered to call up my aunt and ask her for my number and then call me. Instead, it seems to be my sister basically writing me messages in telling me when and where to call people based on their situation.

In terms of helping my parents, we live in two different states which is a couple thousand miles away thanks. I am also not in any state to help them out financially at the moment. Besides, if I gave them money, they would not know how to manage it.

In this case though, I think they are just out looking for sympathy and I am not taking their bait and giving them any foot hold.

As for my Grandmother, she never really seems to bother to call me. The conversations are also one-sided. So when my sister told me to call her based on a cat, it really made my blood boil too.

Could be the one who needs your help with the parents is your sister, that's why she's the one calling.

My sister tried to pressure me when our parents needed help, by threatening to never let me see her kids again. I'm an aspie, so I don't give in to pressure (I had distanced from my parents due to abuse). Which means I never saw my nephews and niece again. Then, out of pity, I took my parents under my care (they were very sick and she had abandoned them). So I got the worst of both worlds - lost the kids and was dumped with the parents.

My sister is one of a kind. She is one of those people who likes to try and act to superior to certain people. I happen to be one of the people she likes to act that way to. She also is one of those people who seems to be very into herself and never asks how I am doing. It's all about her. Not to mention, she whines all the time about how she has everything wrong with her and she can't work or function because she has lupus or Lyme's disease. She changed her story about being sick many times. Then has been known to plagerize other people's things and call them her own ideas. On top of that, my sister blames other people for her problems.


For instance, when she was in college, she was failing and told her professors that it was my Dad's fault because he was not talking to her that she was failing school.

Sometimes people can be afraid to do what is right. The best that you can do is offer your support but establish boundaries where you feel they are necessary and insist that your family respect that.

I don't think that is a good idea.

It's worked for me, to get my father to respect me as an equal.

My dad has a problem with being immature and takes his issues out on other people. He has also appeared to be fairly negative with me about which things I can or cannot do as a career by convincing me that a task may be too difficult. He was cold with me on phone as well whenever we would talk. Yes, I had also put my foot down with him in the past and it was working. That is until I heard from my youngest sister, who I get along with, that he is quite abusive to her. He had been doing this by taking things out on her and falsely of her things she did not do. When I heard about him pulling that stunt., it was the end for me. I don't trust my father after I found out some of the horrible things he said to her.

As for where I stand with him, it is whenever he wants something from me and could not seem to care less about calling me on a regular basis. So I have not talked to them in 2 years and I could not be happier actually. Unless it is a holiday time, I am fine.