How to help when friends take advantage...(sorry, long post)

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I mentioned this in an earlier post, but realized that it's a topic everyone must have to deal with sooner or later, as one effect of poor communication skills is that you are blind to certain things...like lying.

Background: DS's has had a complicated relationship with closest friend in school. They were fast friends in 1st grade, which went on for a couple of years until the bullying started. This friend - who I'll call N - joined the bullies in taunting DS. When the school finally intervened, N stopped. DS made friends with him again.

During 4th grade, DS went back to being taunted by his group of friends, including N. He told me something about N and his other friend kicking him in the hallway. At that point, I decided (since N's Mom and I had a decent relationship) to ask the Mom for help, and relayed what DS had told me. Mom came back later and said that she'd talked to N and punished him for what he admitted to "standing by and doing nothing while the other boy kicked DS." I let it go, although DS had specifically said that N was participating in the kicking.

At that point, DS was diagnosed and decided to disclose his diagnosis to his classmates. Most of the bullying stopped. N stayed his friend.

DS got in trouble at one point for arranging bathroom meetings with N and another friend. When I asked him who came up with the idea (DS does hide in the bathroom at school when things get rough, however, I know it would never have occurred to DS to ask other kids to go with him unless someone gave him the idea.) DS said he was the one who had the idea - and N concurred. DS was blamed.

N comes over to our house on occasion - when he does, he and DS will steal extra candy, will sneak electronic devices up to DS's room where they aren't allowed, and generally will break rules. When caught, N tends to respond that DS didn't explain the rules (I have been very clear about the rules.)

One day, DS sat down with us at dinner and started quoting YouTube videos from one of those sophomoric sites that are basically potty humor and profanity. We asked where he'd heard that and he said that N had told him. I casually mentioned to N's Mom (who I know wouldn't approve, either) that they may want to check their parental controls because DS had learned some language from N. The next time I see Mom, she said that she'd asked N about it, and a neighbor of theirs whose kid "has no parental supervision at all" had quoted the videos to him.

DS came home from N's house the other day and described how they'd been watching these videos on N's IPad. (He wasn't tattling, he was just making conversation - it didn't occur to him that they were doing anything against the rules.)

In other words, I've been worried about N and DS's friendship for a while - until recently, nothing bad came of it, but I have been wary that his default seems to be placing blame on someone else. DS, on the other hand, seems to think that accepting blame is something friends do. A scary combination.

So, what happened that I described earlier: there is a girl, now at another school, who likes DS and whom N likes. This girl gave DS her phone number for texting purposes. We have taught DS that phone conversations can be private if he likes, but since texts can be copied and pasted, they are public and we will review them periodically - and after visiting N, we found an obscene text had been sent to this girl from his phone.

When we confronted DS, his first reaction was "N made me do it!" followed immediately by "No, he didn't - it was my idea and all my fault, he had nothing to do with it!" I called N's Mom (just because when we got the boys phones we had all agreed that obscene texts would not be allowed, and I wanted to warn her that this might have been happening.) N was in the background, and I heard him say "It was DS, I didn't do anything." She later told me he reported that he'd asked DS to text "Hi" and DS had sent a string of obscenities instead.

I called the girl's mother just to make sure she hadn't been scared and was OK and to apologize. Turns out, the girl had been smart enough to give her mother's phone. The mother told me this was the first text she'd received from DS's number, but there was a different number that had been sending her obscene texts for quite some time.

Basically, when I relayed this information, N's Mom asked me to prove it, I put her in touch with the girl's mother and she finally admitted N had done it. I told her I was really, really concerned that it seems N's default is to blame someone else, especially since DS is particularly vulnerable to that. I mentioned that I've brought things to her attention before and this seems to be a pattern of behavior that does not feel safe to me. She responded by saying that DS wasn't perfect, sometimes he was mean to N (which I did not deny, I'm sure it's true) and that maybe they should take a break from each other. I said I agreed, and that's where we left it.

I know I didn't handle that last part well, but that's not really what concerns me. What concerns me is that N and DS still hang out at school, and N is allowing DS to believe that the only thing that happened was DS sending the text. He told DS that he didn't think it was fair that he got punished for the text DS sent. (DS did lose some privileges, including the phone for the time being.) He did not admit to any of the other texting, or that he'd told his mother that he told DS to text "hi."

Thank goodness the texts never reached their destination (even though it was a situation where there was potential for police involvement; the language was quite graphic and I don't think the kids realized it implied a threat.) I'm not really worried about this instance in particular as it has been resolved satisfactorily and DS seems to understand the texting issue.

Problem: I'm worried about DS having a friend who is perfectly willing not only to throw him under the bus, but who is also able to convince him that under the bus is where he belongs. The only suggestions I got from googling this problem was to let kids with AS learn from the school of hard knocks - but DS doesn't even know that N is manipulating him, so he wouldn't connect the dots. I don't think telling him about the other texts and the lying will help, because I don't think he will want to believe me (in part because he doesn't like the idea that he's easily manipulated, and in part because he really depends on this friendship.)

DS does have another friend he sees outside of school. Interestingly, this friend has nearly no parental supervision - because he doesn't need it. He is completely trustworthy and would never, never in a million years put DS through something like this. What I did do is mention that while this sort of problem seems to happen a lot with N, it would never, ever happen with this other friend, and I wondered what that said about friendship.

I do not think autistic kids learn these things easily or well. I look back at things my mom (and dad) warned me about, socially, and I really didn't take them very seriously.

The Marc Brown book on friendship has some things listed about what friends DON'T do, but it is very broad and too young for your child's needs, I think. I do think something other than a social story from mom is what you need. I think often times they need information to come from a non-mom source to take it seriously. Maybe someone could recommend a book for his age group. Seeing what friendship is supposed to be like, in writing, from someone else, and hopefully will give him the confidence to stand up for himself better.

Even NTs bow to social pressure at that age, but a child on the spectrum is really rudderless out there, at that age group, especially.

I see it very positive, that you try to guide your boy in this situations. At some points it seems to me, that you are a little bit too deep into it. I guess (but I am not sure about it) that your son is a teen and i think its important for a teenie too learn social things like "Sometimes other people try to make me do things from which they profit and they are also abele to lie to me. I must not trust everyone. I do not need to be afraid or else, but at least even if i trust someone, i should always think about what I do and not do blindly things others tell me to do."

I think this is a lesson parents can tell you a hundred times, but you dont really understand until you´re into it by yourself. Better he learns it now with not so important things like rude humor videos or stolen sweeties, than later when other people maybe try to make him really criminal things.

I had to laugh about some things you told, because some situations remindet me about myself, when i was around 12-14 years old and lost more and more contact to my classmates, makine me vulnerable to "bad friends". Which ended in stolen candies, sneaking in the room of big brothers of "friends" to get a secret look at their hidden "love.magazines" ^^, or when my parents were visiting my grandparents (Travelling was horror for me and it was only a weekend and a aunt lived just 3 houses away so when it was about short trips they usually left me at home. I also liked it that way intead of traveling around and having my routines disturbed.) my classmates knew that i was alone at home and asked me if we would like to make a "video afternoon". Watching videos or inviting friends I knew I was allowed, so i invited them without arguing. In the late afternoon my aunt come to visit if everything is fine with me and i told her totally without a clue "...that everything is ok. There are some friends here and we are watching videos together. Actually its "The fly" XD..."

I did not know, that i should not watch movies like this at my age, so i didn´t see a bad thing about it, when my classmates asked to make a video day. But when my aunt left and suddenly they all got angry with me, because i told my aunt without knowing of any wrong, that we were watching horror movies i understood that maybe i did not have known that i shouldn´t watch films like this, but my "friends" did know and tried to trick me on purpose.

So generally i think its good, that you try to guide your boy and help to understand this situations. But i would not totally guard him. Doing mistakes as a young one is important to learn from it. Better learning with 12-years at a forbidden horror video afternoon (or stolen sweeties, or some weird humor Youtube videos) that people that call themselves yourself friends can also be selfish and try to trick you and lie to you, even if they are nice to you most at the time, then learning this issues with 18 when friends may try to convince him to steal goods or hide drugs for them and so on. (Classmates of me tried this when i was older.)

I would use the happened situations to make him understand that even friends, who really are nice to you most of the time, sometimes act selfish and try to trick you. Which does not mean that they are always evil, but sometimes you have to say "No" to them and this is not about friends or not friends, but about bad ideas of friends. ^^ But i would not push too much in the actual situations, they seem to me pretty normal mistakes for a teenie. ^^ Thats what this lifetime is for: Doing little mistakes (while guided from your parents to prevent bigger mistakes ) because of things you did not learn until now as a child, so you know how to avoid bigger mistakes as a grown up.

Important for me was, that they are no extremes like "bad people" or "good people" as you know it from cartoons and children television. This is one of the things you have to learn as a teen. For me as a child this situation was very weird, because as long as you believe in this extremes, people that are most of the time nice to you, would be "good people", so i can trust them. And bad people are the ones which are always bad. ^^ So i needed to learn all people are sometimes good and sometimes they are bad, and thats pretty normal. Even parents. ^^ Even the worsest guy can have his good time, and even the niciest guy can turn into an idiot sometimes. So its not about deciding which people are good or bad, but about deciding if what you are going to do yourself next is good or bad. And if you think YOURSELF (not your friends) its bad, dont do it. So its ok if some, most of the time bad guys, need someone to play soccer, because theres nothing bad about soccer if you have fun with it. In the same way its ok to tell a good friend "No", even if this guy is Mr. Nice Guy 364 days a year.

Our sons are very similar in this regard and it is really hard to know what to do. I try to keep a very open dialogue with my son and I do my very best not to punish him for things he self-discloses, no matter what they are. Because I need him to tell me what is happening, because I know it is beyond his current abilities to properly evaluate everything to decide what is best. So, when things come up, we digest them to their minutest detail, then when we can agree on the "facts" of the story, we go over it piece by piece and I tell him exactly how I reason through it. Why certain "facts" matter. Why others do not. Why I choose to combine certain pieces and not others. Run through a few "bad choices"...the ingredients and logic that create them and the possible outcomes.

It is very time consuming. But because he does not pick up on some social things himself, it is the only way I have found to help. I need to help him establish internal...algorithms?...so that he can reason his way through a wider variety of possible scenarios.

Personally? I would tell my son about N's obscene texts and use it as a teaching point that some people are not always truthful and that you need to be on guard with some people, because they would rather watch you take the fall for them than stand up and be a decent human being and do the right thing. I would also weave it in to our family's values of being honest and taking the blame when you have done something wrong, and how not all families have the same values, so you have to be aware that not everyone has the same values and rules that you do. You have to watch their behavior for clues. If you NEVER see someone be honest and take the blame for a wrongdoing, then you are pretty safe in assuming that is not a value taught in that child's home. I would also use it as an example of how some people in our lives are there for doing things with that we both enjoy, but that those people are not always the same as the people in our lives who are there because we share the same values and beliefs. It's OK to have friends who do not share your values and beliefs because you share the same interest--like Pokemon or Minecraft--but you have to remember that when it comes to figuring out what is right and wrong, those are not the friends to turn to.

Granted, all of this is very heavy for kids our sons' ages. But I think of it as pre-teaching and laying the groundwork for the teen years when this stuff REALLY comes into play.

Thank you very much - yes, I spend a lot of time with DS "unpacking" social scenarios. I am going to sit on this one for a bit, because I'm still not sure how to approach it.

My first instinct was to do what you suggested and tell him about N's coverup. However, my second instinct was not to do so - and I'm realizing that is because of the black/white thinking that was mentioned above. I think that is the real problem here, because the rules about texting had been very carefully explained to DS, and he wouldn't have broken them if he didn't value N's friendship and want to make him happy.