It started bad, and it went straight to awful...

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Well, as some of you know I'm in the army. I'm on leave for Christmas, now I'll say that because of a few incidents where I did things I am in the army not allowed to carry a weapon, or be on any weapons ranges. It all started one day I went to the ER and I told them I had no intentions of going back to that hell-hole and may have made vague references to killing people if they sent me back. That was about 7-8 months ago.


I'm on leave for christmas like I said. So I was finally excited about going on leave and seeing a civilian doctor. I don't go to army doctors for social reasons. You see, I basically have to convince the NCO's the people above me that my reason is legitamate. Usually they don't believe me, they tend to believe I'm just trying to get out of work or get an extensive profile (piece of paper) saying that I don't have to do work. If I go regardless of what they think they find extra work for me to do and treat me like **** regardless of what the doctor I see says or does (usually they do almost nothing).


So I'm on leave in CA and you know what? Theres not a doctor within 50 miles who takes Army insurance (I would have broadened the range but at that point it felt useless), there were a few but they are all on their own christmas vacations. They said if I want to I can go to an ER. Yeah right, that will fly in the army where my leaders would rather me go to the ER on the weekend for a small problem then go to sick call on monday but... I don't feel like thats right, what if there is someone whose having an actual emergency?


Rewind, I never said why I wanted to go see a doctor did I? Heres a list of symptoms that have been bugging the hell out of me.

My sensitivity to cold has increased a lot
I lose circulation in my hands doing day to day activities
Tightness in my chest
I wake up in the morning with severe stomache pains
In the past 4 months I've gained 40 pounds doing nothing that is abnormal for me, up until then I maintained the same weight for nearly 3 years
the biggest kicker for me is I can kinda feel my brain going. I feel like my thinking has been severely slowed over the past few months


Now that was before I went on leave. Now that I've finally had a chance to relax I have a plethora of new symptoms. Maybe they were already there I was just too stressed out to notice them. I've got another week and a half before I go back and get to see a doctor. I think I've hypothyroidism, most of the symptoms seem to match.


But I hate it, I hate that when I go back I have to fight for my right to see a doctor knowing that I will later be punished for it. If the new symptoms weren't so much worse, especially the shaking and the dizziness I probably wouldn't be ready to go at all. All they want to do is harass me because I can't be the kind of soldier they want me to be. I want out, I've been recommended by doctors to be chaptered out a few months ago but still they do nothing...


Honestly, I've been contemplating when I get back getting one of those double edged razors and cutting my wrists in front of everybody just to make sure they are aware of the fact I have problems. They really don't take me seriously and they are always joking about how I'm going to gun them down one day. My body is freaking out this past week while I'm trying to stay calm. I just don't understand, what is the right thing to do? A public display of my problems could cause even more problems for me.


I've tried getting admitted to the army mental ward on 3 seperate occasions. The first time I came to the ER and said I was having problems. I may have said if they didn't admit me I "might" kill someone. The second time I told them I had been burning my feet with a cigarette lighter (actually that was because my foot was in extreme pain and burning was the only thing that I could do without seeing a doctor that helped), the third time which was about a month ago, I told them I was seriously contemplating taking my own life. That last time they told me to come back if I decide I'm going to kill myself or after I've made an attempt.


I'm just sick of this, I'm sick of living in a world with no right answers. Truth is such a universal thing that I can take any idea and bend it over to my logic. But I don't know what to do, I feel that the only way to make them take my stuff seriously is if they see me doing these things instead of talking about them.